Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

         I could use some help. About 7 years ago, I divorced my husband after 22 years because I could no longer endure his abusive nature. I felt at last, that it was best to distance myself from him both for my children's sake (20, 19, 16, 15, & 13 at the time), as well as mine. I am sure that there are some folks out there who understand the environment of some Christian churches. My chilren and I were cast out, and abandoned by almost everyone we knew at the time. My ex husband is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type, but most people did not know that. Anyway, since then, my children and I have had a very difficult time, especially financially. I did not forsee all the issues that we were going to end up dealing with, issues that stemmed from the abuse that my ex-husband doled out to each of us. Now my oldest daughter has stopped speaking to me, without feeling any obligation of explaining to me how I have offended her. I have tried every way I can to apologize, ask forgiveness for mistakes made, etc. However, to no avail. It has been about a year since she stopped speaking to me. I also have an old friend of 25 years, my children's Aunt, who has also stopped speaking to me without feeling any obligation to tell me why. I know that my daughter has contact with my friend/her Aunt. I have tried to resolve whatever is wrong, but again to no avail. I just want my kids and I to be a family again. I want to be able to talk to my friend. As I live with my sons, it seems as if we have been cut off by other family members. What can I do to resolve things so that I can have my ids and I being a family again? There are of course other problems that work into the fabric above, which I did not mention here, because it would just make things to involved to understand. I would appreciate any input. Thank you for everyone's time. Lorna

I grew up not knowing my biological father, he and my mother divorced when I was 2 and he never attempted to make contact or pay child support while I was growing up.  I spoke to him once when I was newly married and felt he was trying to place blame on my mother, after that I had no interest in talking to him again.  He has 4 children from his 2nd wife, who he divorced like 15 yrs ago.  I grew up knowing of these children and have always been curious about them.

This last May the oldest daughter found me and we spoke on the phone for the first time!  We have since e-mailed and texted each other and I recently have done the same with the youngest sister.  I would really like to have a relationship with them but I am worried that my dislike for our biological father might taint a possibly wonderful sister relationship.  Can I have a good relationship with my sisters, without having to have one with my father?  We are hoping to meet this next summer.

We have all had difficult childhoods, sadly my sisters were far worse than mine.  I believe my father is to balme for the bad things that happened to them, due to his irresponsibilty as a parent and a human being.

If it's any consolation you know you did the right thing.  My family split doesn't involve violence but I have thought about the issues surrounding family breakdown for some years.  My conclusion is that you have a duty as a human being before you have a duty to family.  Unfortunately many people believe family comes before individuals within the family.  Those people would have your niece kicked rather than bring an objective outside agency into the picture which might prevent any future assaults on her. 

From my own experience I suspect the situation is not going to improve whatever you do.  However you might send a letter to your sister and her husband, your brother and your parents.  (Send it to all three so that your sister and her husband can't misrepresent it to your brother and your parents.  That's a favourite trick they might try)  Say you are sorry about the current situation, that you acted as you did because you could not see what your sister and her husband were doing to make sure and that you acted as you did you couldn't see what was being done about the situation your niece was facing.  Apologise to your sister and husband for not trusting them to do the best for their daughter.  (Thu is gives them the pound of flesh they require in terms of an apology whilst not conceding they have the right to kick your niece and not have the police called.)  Then offer to attend family counselling/mediation with them in order to mend the fences. 

As I said I doubt this will get you anywhere so your defence from now on needs to be that you acted as you did because your sister wouldn't tell you want she was doing to handle the situation.  If only you'd known they were starting counselling or something you wouldn't have made the call. 

   A little over a year ago I found an entry in my daughters journal of some inappropriate touching by my sisters husband. My sister was informed of this and she confronted her husband about it. He denied it of course. We kept it quiet from the rest of the family, and tried to move on. She stayed with her husband and possably believed him. I let it go to avoid any stress on my sister. She was early in a pregnancy. My daughter would not talk about  what happened to her. She just wanted it to go away.

  About two months ago a friend of hers told her about an incident with her grandfather,and how it went to court and he is not allowed anywhere near her. My daughter opened up the whole story that happened to her and how it got stopped. Her friend took the story to her mother who then called CPS. It is now being investigated with possible charges against my sisters husband. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what is going to happen or when. My sister has been told about it and wants answers I can't give her. I am not withholding anything from her. I just don't know the answers. I've noticed that the rest of the family wont talk to me anymore.

  I know it isn't supposed to be about me or my feelings. Its to protect my daughter and to help her through this. And I am there for her. Possibly smothering her. But I don't know who to trust anymore. I have no one to talk to to help me be stong and I feel like I'm falling apart. Like I failed to protect her. Like I'm hurting my sister beyond forgiveness. We have always been a close family. But  the holidays are coming and I feel too ashamed to show my face. I don't know what to say to anyone. My world has gotten so small.

I worry about the backlash from all this and how it affects my kids. They should not suffer the loss of such a close family due to some idiot.

  I know how hard it is to talk to people about what happened because I was a victim also as a child. I still find it very hard. The words just don't want to come out and I just close up. I know how my daughter feels only to a point. Mine where strangers. Hers is still in the family. I was able to get away from them. She can't.

I previously posted about recently speaking to my step-sibling(s) for the 1st time (I'll copy it here too).  Now one of my biggest fears has happened...my oldest step-sister desperatly wants me to have a relationship with our father, which I don't really care to do.  I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel towards him because it might hurt our new relationship.  I'm sure he's changed and matured over the years but that doesn't change the past.  Growing up I never received a phone call, birthday card, christmas card or support from my father.  My mother had to be on welfare to support me, she also suffers from schizophrenia so I ended up living with my grandparents by the time I was 6 or 7 yrs old.  I always felt like he didn't want me or love me but I didn't know why.  To me he was a sperm donar and nothing more.  He finally paid the child support in my late teens, so my mother & the state received the money.  Then the one time that I did speak to him on the phone when I was 19, I felt like he was placing blame on my mother and acted like he didn't want to tell me everything that had gone on.  I'm an adult now, so lay it all out on the table or keep your mouth shut.  So now I don't know what to do...HELP!

This is my prior posting:

I grew up not knowing my biological father, he and my mother divorced when I was 2 and he never attempted to make contact or pay child support while I was growing up.  I spoke to him once when I was newly married and felt he was trying to place blame on my mother, after that I had no interest in talking to him again.  He has 4 children from his 2nd wife, who he divorced like 15 yrs ago.  I grew up knowing of these children and have always been curious about them.

This last May the oldest daughter found me and we spoke on the phone for the first time!  We have since e-mailed and texted each other and I recently have done the same with the youngest sister.  I would really like to have a relationship with them but I am worried that my dislike for our biological father might taint a possibly wonderful sister relationship.  Can I have a good relationship with my sisters, without having to have one with my father?  We are hoping to meet this next summer.

We have all had difficult childhoods, sadly my sisters were far worse than mine.  I believe my father is to balme for the bad things that happened to them, due to his irresponsibilty as a parent and a human being.

I don't understand. I told her I don't understand and she snubs me, like I am playing dumb. I don't remember things very well and she can't understand why. We haven't spoken to each other for 2 years. She lives not a half a mile from me. She has even turned her children against me. They are 21 and 18 years.

She used to refer to her dad as her 'sperm donor'. Now, she has his picture on her MySpace page, and calls him dad. But I am now the 'witch', and not worth speaking to.

I have always been there for her and her kids. When I lived in Wisconsin and was married. My husband and I were always helping her out financially. We offered to sell them a car, which I took to her. She never could  make a payment, so my husband finally just signed the car over to her so he wouldn't be in danger of getting sued if she had an accident.

She needed a new mattress, so we sent her $800.00 so she could buy a decent set. I never minded as, she is my daughter.

When my husband died of lung cancer, she begged me to move back to Nebraska. She said she needed her mom. Tim and I owned a house there. I sold my house and bought one near her, in the same development. I continued to help her out with whatever she and the kids needed. She would get upset at times because my daughter at home, 22 years her junior, would frustrate me. My eldest daughter would fuss about her younger half sister having things she never had. She would never come right out and say that but she would make snide comments about how I should "take her spoiled little butt out of private school and put her in public".It just made me feel like she just couldn't stand it because her little sister had more than she ever had . I was glad I was able to give my youngest a good religious education. Thanks to my last husband, I was able to live a better life than what I had in my previous marriage.

I met someone that I was close to but didn't have a romantic relationship with, a couple of years ago.  My eldest daughter didn't know whether she liked him or not. 

She was having a hysterectomy and her girlfriend and I were chatting in the waiting room.  I don't remember how it came up but I mentioned that my daughter had been divorced and then remarried the same man. (they have been married for a total of 21 years) I thought her friend knew that she had been divorced. Afterall, they are best friends, have been for four years or so. My daughter had a kiniption. I told her I was so sorry, that I opened my mouth. From then on, she snubbed me. She booted her little sister and I off of her myspace page. Her sister was hurt, she didn't do anything to hurt her big sis. So little sis gathered up all the cards and letters that big sis had sent to her and put them in a large envelope, and mailed them to her. This was all little sis' idea.  One evening, we decided to go out and it was dark outside, it had snowed. I noticed that there was all kinds of shredded paper that had been strewn down our driveway. My friend and I stopped to pick up the papers. I noticed the handwriting on the shredded mess. She had torn up all the cards and letters and threw them out on my driveway. I thought, 'how mature !'

I emailed her and told her if that is the way she wanted to act then she wasn't welcome at my house. My friend, (who no longer is my friend) emailed her and told her he would call the cops if she ever showed up at my house.. I told him that was not true. What a jerk he was. But she never would talk to me again and I would send messages to her saying that I would always love her and those kids.

That I would always be there for them no matter what.  Gradually, the kids chose to snub me as well.

They never would come to see me very often, and if they did, their dad would make sure they didn't stay long.

So, you see, I don't understand why I am the bad guy,