Quote From: jenoc99A really big problem that you have right now is that because of your fear of being without your husband, he is the one with all the power in this relationship. I know that you are fearfull, I know it is scary... but why does he get to have all of the power in your relationship? He can just leave when he feels like it, and blame it on you.. he can just come back when he feels like it.. and then leave again.. or have affairs.. and all because you are a housewife? Even at age 49, you can get job skills, it is never too late!! Don't sell yourself short! I'm totally serious. There are resources out there for women entering or re-entering the work force, and there is financial assistance for education, too- I know because after leaving an abusive marriage I also had to get on my own feet. It was very scary and difficult, but now, its 10 years later and I feel so much better having my personal integrity, and I am the only one who tells me how to feel, no man has power over me to make me feel bad about myself, and its a great feeling. I know that if I could do it, anyone can, because I was very brainwashed as I think you are, too. When he treats you badly, its because he knows that he can. I think he might straighten up if you were to give him some tough love-- if you were to ignore him for awhile he might come around.. you know that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"... it might be true in your case. Perhaps if you seem to be getting on with life by making yoursself busy on a daily basis, he might suddenly come to see he isn't the center of your world and he will get insecure and come running home!! Not that its healthy to continue this dysfunctional cycle... but I'm just saying, some men are like that!!
Joani, please know that you've got to care for yourself and love YOU! I wish you well.
I read what you said , and I have to agree on some things , he does have a majority of the power in this relationship, and that is wayyyyyyyyy unfair, and yes I am terrified to have to enter the workforce at age 49, Seems like I will have to do that in June again anyways as the school I am working for
(a private Christian school ) is closing in June possibly for good..nothing I can do about that...
so things are going from bad to worse on the job front , and Troy is not in a hurry to do anything to change the way things are in our relationship , good things he is doing are that he is buying us a couch for our home.. ordered it and it is due in two weeks . he is still paying my utilites and car payments and insurance... we have no house payment.
I am in the process of removing the clutter in our home, started with removing unused clothes, both his and mine, got five big trash bags full of clothes for the animal shelter (they were the only place taking clothes that day ) and I filled two recycling paper bags full of stuff from Troys file cabinet.. mostly information on products we used to sell and computers and suppliers etc .. I have permission to also get rid of all the old tech manuals and some of the other stuff in his office... then I move to my office... I also have to clean out our closet of boxes and miscellaneous stuff sometime soon ...
I must say that I am feeling really used... we have been married for 18 years going on 19 and we had made the clutter mess together, yet I have to be the one to get rid of it all.. That is sooooooo not fair...
In the early years of our marriage , I took care of his mother when she lived at our home she has alzheimers disease, is 94 now and in a nursing home.. our girls are mostly grown up only the youngest is still home and it is like I have been used for when he needed me, but now that his Mom is in the nursing home and the kids are nearly grown he has no use for me?????
I guess I am venting here.. Forgive me.. I have tried to be a good wife catered to his needs as much as I could kept the house and kids well, spent frugally not recklessly... drove older cars for years when needed and just this past in october of 04 I finally got my first new car, and that was due to being in an accident that totaled my other car over a year before we replaced it with the new one..
Now that he is working a decent job that pays fair , and he has a company car for work, travels alot for work though, he moves out on us (us being our 16 year old daughter and me and the dog) ...
One thing he did say was that someday we may have a mortgage together, that sounds like he is thinking in the future.. right now our home is paid for ..
Joani Orr
