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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

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September 22, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

First of all you are focusing your anger in the wrong place!

Quote From: lonelylady

MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED FOR 45 YRS AND A SISTER IN LAW ON MY HUSBANDS SIDE GOT INVOLVED WITH MY DAD AND CAUSED THEIR MARRIED TO END IN DIVORCE THIS HAS WENT ON FOR 4 YEARS NOW AND IS STILL GOING ON I LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN AND SEE IT DAILY I HAVE A HARD TIME FORGIVING HER AND DON'T KNOW IF I EVER CAN IT CAUSES PROBLEMS IN MY OWN MARRIAGE CAUSE THIS IS MY HUSBANDS BROTHERS WIFE HOW CAN I EXPECT MY HUSBAND TO CHOOSE ME OVER HIS BROTHER IT HAS CAUSED MANY PROBLEMS AT FAMILY HOLIDAYS AND FUCTIONS CAUSE I DON'T CARE TO BE AROUND HER MY FAMILY CAN NEVER FORGIVE HER WE CAN NOT HAVE ANYTHING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO INVITE HER ANY SUGGESTIONS ?????????? 

First of all you are focusing your anger in the wrong place! Unless your father was raped by this woman, HE is the one that broke his marriage vows, not this woman. Why you are not  blaming your father for his infidelity is beyond me! IT is your father that has caused the problems that will effect your holiday functions, and he is responsible for it. He had the choice and should have thought of the repercussions for HIS actions. Now your family has to live with HIS infidelity. 

  

Why should your husband choose a side. Both people who cared more for their animal instincts rather than their human compassion's are wrong, and the only side anyone should be choosing, should be your mothers as well as your brother-in-laws. I hope this helps. Good luck! 

 
September 24, 2005, 9:45 am CDT

How can i help my daughter when i c an't help myself va

Ok i've never done this before but i'm hoping there is someone out there that can give me some advice or there thoughts on this matter.  My daughter is 21 and her ex-boyfriend is 22.  They have been together since they were 15 and 16.  Looking back I would have never let her get so involved at such a young age, I guess I never really expected them to be together for 4 1/2 years.  The problems in their relationship started after high school and i think my daughter was starting to mature faster and she realized she was not happy with the way her boyfriend was treating her, she is outgoing and a people person, he's not very people friendly.  He never took her anywhere, just sit at our house or his, he didn't want her around his friends, he's very jealous and possive.    She told him she needed to take a break and told him exactly what the problems were between them as she saw it.  That was almost a year ago, but in that year they still saw each other occasionally and talked on the phone everyday, even getting back together 2 times, but he usually went back to his old way in a very short time.  But over this summer he seemed like he waw starting to understand where she was coming from and he would tell her all the time he loves her and will never give up on them and that she is the only one for him, he needs her, so after a summer of this she was finally convinced he was worth giving it another try to see if they could work things out.  She is in school for med. assistant right near our home, he went to comm. college for 2 years and now in college (about 30 minute) drive from our house.  He told her they would be together almost every weekend.  Now here lies the problem,  he was moving into his apartment which he shares with 4 other guys, one being his best friend on a thursday morning.  That tuesday they decided to make a go of it, talked about how they need to communicate better, etc.  Somehow when thursday came and he was moved into his apartment and she was going to come visit he suddenly told her he didn't want to see her, and why should they get back together right when he's goin to school.  How does love or someone change their mind about loving someone in just 2 days.  She feels that he lied to her all summer and was just using her when he didn't have anyone, now that he's in college and has his own place there are so many other options and girls that he doesn't need her anymore.  I am devasted also, cuz I took this boy into my home and treated him like one of my sons, he was so close to the family and she to his, he went everywhere with us even on vacations.  I can't understand why he is doing this, he doesn't even seem like the same person to me.  How do i help my daugher when i'm having trouble coping with this myself.  Should she forget about him and move on or should she wait around for him.   At this time he only wants to be friends and she said she can't do that after all the years they had together, she doesn't want to see him with anyone else, it would be to hard for her.  He also likes to drink alot, and he knows it bothers my daughter, so while at college he could drink all he wants and she not know about it.  I just don't know what to think.   Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks
 
September 24, 2005, 4:49 pm CDT

He Doesn't Care!!!!!

Quote From: jaamty2

Ok i've never done this before but i'm hoping there is someone out there that can give me some advice or there thoughts on this matter.  My daughter is 21 and her ex-boyfriend is 22.  They have been together since they were 15 and 16.  Looking back I would have never let her get so involved at such a young age, I guess I never really expected them to be together for 4 1/2 years.  The problems in their relationship started after high school and i think my daughter was starting to mature faster and she realized she was not happy with the way her boyfriend was treating her, she is outgoing and a people person, he's not very people friendly.  He never took her anywhere, just sit at our house or his, he didn't want her around his friends, he's very jealous and possive.    She told him she needed to take a break and told him exactly what the problems were between them as she saw it.  That was almost a year ago, but in that year they still saw each other occasionally and talked on the phone everyday, even getting back together 2 times, but he usually went back to his old way in a very short time.  But over this summer he seemed like he waw starting to understand where she was coming from and he would tell her all the time he loves her and will never give up on them and that she is the only one for him, he needs her, so after a summer of this she was finally convinced he was worth giving it another try to see if they could work things out.  She is in school for med. assistant right near our home, he went to comm. college for 2 years and now in college (about 30 minute) drive from our house.  He told her they would be together almost every weekend.  Now here lies the problem,  he was moving into his apartment which he shares with 4 other guys, one being his best friend on a thursday morning.  That tuesday they decided to make a go of it, talked about how they need to communicate better, etc.  Somehow when thursday came and he was moved into his apartment and she was going to come visit he suddenly told her he didn't want to see her, and why should they get back together right when he's goin to school.  How does love or someone change their mind about loving someone in just 2 days.  She feels that he lied to her all summer and was just using her when he didn't have anyone, now that he's in college and has his own place there are so many other options and girls that he doesn't need her anymore.  I am devasted also, cuz I took this boy into my home and treated him like one of my sons, he was so close to the family and she to his, he went everywhere with us even on vacations.  I can't understand why he is doing this, he doesn't even seem like the same person to me.  How do i help my daugher when i'm having trouble coping with this myself.  Should she forget about him and move on or should she wait around for him.   At this time he only wants to be friends and she said she can't do that after all the years they had together, she doesn't want to see him with anyone else, it would be to hard for her.  He also likes to drink alot, and he knows it bothers my daughter, so while at college he could drink all he wants and she not know about it.  I just don't know what to think.   Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks
I have a daughter that age and if some guy lead her on like that I would be upset also.  He wants to FOOL Around and is afraid of being FOUND OUT!!!  That is what most guys want to do in college.  I also have a son too.  It is PARTY TIME for him and his friends and I would if I were your daughter, DROP HIM LIKE A STONE!!!!!!  She definitely doesn't need a drinker either.  I know it is hard to see your daughter hurt and you also, but I would much rather be over with it now, than her get involved over her head and end up really hurt.  He doesn't Drink and Drive, does he?  I hope not.   Have her concentrate on school, and I would bet she will meet another guy who will appreciate the fact that she is going to college and trying to make a life for herself.  I am sure she is bright and pretty and she needs to move on.  She is much too young to wait around for some guy who is only thinking of Himself.  Take Care and Good Luck, Inbetween
 
September 24, 2005, 8:37 pm CDT

Selfish boy

Quote From: jaamty2

Ok i've never done this before but i'm hoping there is someone out there that can give me some advice or there thoughts on this matter.  My daughter is 21 and her ex-boyfriend is 22.  They have been together since they were 15 and 16.  Looking back I would have never let her get so involved at such a young age, I guess I never really expected them to be together for 4 1/2 years.  The problems in their relationship started after high school and i think my daughter was starting to mature faster and she realized she was not happy with the way her boyfriend was treating her, she is outgoing and a people person, he's not very people friendly.  He never took her anywhere, just sit at our house or his, he didn't want her around his friends, he's very jealous and possive.    She told him she needed to take a break and told him exactly what the problems were between them as she saw it.  That was almost a year ago, but in that year they still saw each other occasionally and talked on the phone everyday, even getting back together 2 times, but he usually went back to his old way in a very short time.  But over this summer he seemed like he waw starting to understand where she was coming from and he would tell her all the time he loves her and will never give up on them and that she is the only one for him, he needs her, so after a summer of this she was finally convinced he was worth giving it another try to see if they could work things out.  She is in school for med. assistant right near our home, he went to comm. college for 2 years and now in college (about 30 minute) drive from our house.  He told her they would be together almost every weekend.  Now here lies the problem,  he was moving into his apartment which he shares with 4 other guys, one being his best friend on a thursday morning.  That tuesday they decided to make a go of it, talked about how they need to communicate better, etc.  Somehow when thursday came and he was moved into his apartment and she was going to come visit he suddenly told her he didn't want to see her, and why should they get back together right when he's goin to school.  How does love or someone change their mind about loving someone in just 2 days.  She feels that he lied to her all summer and was just using her when he didn't have anyone, now that he's in college and has his own place there are so many other options and girls that he doesn't need her anymore.  I am devasted also, cuz I took this boy into my home and treated him like one of my sons, he was so close to the family and she to his, he went everywhere with us even on vacations.  I can't understand why he is doing this, he doesn't even seem like the same person to me.  How do i help my daugher when i'm having trouble coping with this myself.  Should she forget about him and move on or should she wait around for him.   At this time he only wants to be friends and she said she can't do that after all the years they had together, she doesn't want to see him with anyone else, it would be to hard for her.  He also likes to drink alot, and he knows it bothers my daughter, so while at college he could drink all he wants and she not know about it.  I just don't know what to think.   Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks
This guy isn't worth waiting around for! Your daughter is right, it would be too painful for her to see him with some other woman. Yes, he probably will be drinking and partying every weekend, out with other girls, etc., but thats his own choice to make now. He's a free man.. Maybe he did use your daughter, but maybe he didn't, maybe he's just an immature young man who doesn't know from one day to the next what he wants in life. When he comes crying back to your daughter, urge her to say "NO" to him. Don't give him the chance to break her heart again. It sounds like she had alot of reservations about getting back together with him anyway, its best that he broke it off before much more time went on. As much as this hurts now, it could have been worse if more time went on. Encourage your daughter to get out and meet new people. Life is too short to cry for too long about this one loser. This was a learning experience for your daughter, and for you, too. I wish you both the best!! Remember this: "living well is the best revenge"!
 
September 27, 2005, 4:36 pm CDT

Gut reaction

Quote From: jaamty2

Ok i've never done this before but i'm hoping there is someone out there that can give me some advice or there thoughts on this matter.  My daughter is 21 and her ex-boyfriend is 22.  They have been together since they were 15 and 16.  Looking back I would have never let her get so involved at such a young age, I guess I never really expected them to be together for 4 1/2 years.  The problems in their relationship started after high school and i think my daughter was starting to mature faster and she realized she was not happy with the way her boyfriend was treating her, she is outgoing and a people person, he's not very people friendly.  He never took her anywhere, just sit at our house or his, he didn't want her around his friends, he's very jealous and possive.    She told him she needed to take a break and told him exactly what the problems were between them as she saw it.  That was almost a year ago, but in that year they still saw each other occasionally and talked on the phone everyday, even getting back together 2 times, but he usually went back to his old way in a very short time.  But over this summer he seemed like he waw starting to understand where she was coming from and he would tell her all the time he loves her and will never give up on them and that she is the only one for him, he needs her, so after a summer of this she was finally convinced he was worth giving it another try to see if they could work things out.  She is in school for med. assistant right near our home, he went to comm. college for 2 years and now in college (about 30 minute) drive from our house.  He told her they would be together almost every weekend.  Now here lies the problem,  he was moving into his apartment which he shares with 4 other guys, one being his best friend on a thursday morning.  That tuesday they decided to make a go of it, talked about how they need to communicate better, etc.  Somehow when thursday came and he was moved into his apartment and she was going to come visit he suddenly told her he didn't want to see her, and why should they get back together right when he's goin to school.  How does love or someone change their mind about loving someone in just 2 days.  She feels that he lied to her all summer and was just using her when he didn't have anyone, now that he's in college and has his own place there are so many other options and girls that he doesn't need her anymore.  I am devasted also, cuz I took this boy into my home and treated him like one of my sons, he was so close to the family and she to his, he went everywhere with us even on vacations.  I can't understand why he is doing this, he doesn't even seem like the same person to me.  How do i help my daugher when i'm having trouble coping with this myself.  Should she forget about him and move on or should she wait around for him.   At this time he only wants to be friends and she said she can't do that after all the years they had together, she doesn't want to see him with anyone else, it would be to hard for her.  He also likes to drink alot, and he knows it bothers my daughter, so while at college he could drink all he wants and she not know about it.  I just don't know what to think.   Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks
 Your daughter obviously has some feelings yet for this guy, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. If the reason she broke it off in the first place was because he seemed immature and they were just too different to keep going, she will remember this and get over it. It really is between them and there's not much you can do about it. I know it's hard to watch your kids go through heartache though.
There's the possibility that he got back together with her just to dump her, to let her know how it felt. You know the kid better than I do, but its been known to happen. It's painful, but it can be a good lesson for future relationships: don't break up with someone lightly, and when you do, mean it.
 
September 28, 2005, 10:40 am CDT

please help me, I desperately Need advice

I am a 21 year old young woman in my 4th year of university and working 30 hours a week. I am a member of a power cheerleading team and volunteer as a cheerleading coach for junior high aged kids. My friends find me to be very loving, kind, sharing and a good person. This is quite the contrast from how my father and step-mother seem to feel about me. My mother and father were divorced when I was 3 years old b/c of my mothers infidelity. I grew up splitting time between living with my mother and stepfather, and father and stepmother. When I was growing up My parents alwayss considered me a good kid who was smart and weet and talented. I have always had an extremem love for my father but never doubted he expected alot from me. In my last year of high school, I met a young man who was half black. We simply sat next to each other in a class but we soon had feelings for eachother. My father had told me before if I was ever to bring a black guy home it would break his heart. I never intended on doing this but I could not deny the feelings I had for Justin. Justin was aware of the way my father felt and I did not tell him about my relationship. After about 5 or 6 months, we decided the relationship could not move any further with my being untruthful to my father. However, we still had very strong feelings for eachother and continued to speak to eachother and occasionally see eachother. I tried to talk to my father, hinting that i do not share his racial beliefs and just the thought of me being with a black guy sent him in an uproar, stating "his parents would overturn in their graves" and "he would hate me for the rest of my life". I told my stepmother about Justin and she sais we had to keep this from my father unless I was going to marry Justin. I do not plan on being married for probably another 5 years. I want to start my career and I want to be able to live my life. I don't want to lie to my father but I feel i can justify it because I think he is wrong. I just don't know what to do, this has been going on for over 3 years. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my father but this situation causes me the inibility to confide in him, seek advice, even respect him.  I feel when i was a child he could love me b/c i was innocent and young, but now that I am grown up I remind him of my mother and I think he resents me for that. I don't know why I should give up justin who loves me, makes me feel good, accepts who I am for my father who makes me feel worthless. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks 

 
September 28, 2005, 5:17 pm CDT

Tell your father.

Quote From: kgawdunyk

I am a 21 year old young woman in my 4th year of university and working 30 hours a week. I am a member of a power cheerleading team and volunteer as a cheerleading coach for junior high aged kids. My friends find me to be very loving, kind, sharing and a good person. This is quite the contrast from how my father and step-mother seem to feel about me. My mother and father were divorced when I was 3 years old b/c of my mothers infidelity. I grew up splitting time between living with my mother and stepfather, and father and stepmother. When I was growing up My parents alwayss considered me a good kid who was smart and weet and talented. I have always had an extremem love for my father but never doubted he expected alot from me. In my last year of high school, I met a young man who was half black. We simply sat next to each other in a class but we soon had feelings for eachother. My father had told me before if I was ever to bring a black guy home it would break his heart. I never intended on doing this but I could not deny the feelings I had for Justin. Justin was aware of the way my father felt and I did not tell him about my relationship. After about 5 or 6 months, we decided the relationship could not move any further with my being untruthful to my father. However, we still had very strong feelings for eachother and continued to speak to eachother and occasionally see eachother. I tried to talk to my father, hinting that i do not share his racial beliefs and just the thought of me being with a black guy sent him in an uproar, stating "his parents would overturn in their graves" and "he would hate me for the rest of my life". I told my stepmother about Justin and she sais we had to keep this from my father unless I was going to marry Justin. I do not plan on being married for probably another 5 years. I want to start my career and I want to be able to live my life. I don't want to lie to my father but I feel i can justify it because I think he is wrong. I just don't know what to do, this has been going on for over 3 years. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my father but this situation causes me the inibility to confide in him, seek advice, even respect him.  I feel when i was a child he could love me b/c i was innocent and young, but now that I am grown up I remind him of my mother and I think he resents me for that. I don't know why I should give up justin who loves me, makes me feel good, accepts who I am for my father who makes me feel worthless. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks 

 If you had told him a year, or two years ago, he would be that much further along in the acceptance process. If you do end up marrying Justin it will be much better to have your fathers blessing and attendance than his shock and anger. And his acceptance will take time.
My Dad took each of my and my siblings spouces-to-be aside before the wedding and assured them, "You're marrying my daughter (or son), not me and Mama." Each one of them said how good that made them feel, and comfortable with the in-laws from day one.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide.
 
October 4, 2005, 2:31 am CDT

How do I 'win' my children back

Two years ago my husband and I had to go abroad for 4 months and for 1 month out of that time my kids stayed back in our hometown with friends. They have become very close to the other family since then and it has evolved to the point where they spend every weekend with them lately. They've just returned from the school holidays that they spent with them at the coast. I know I shouldn't have let the all-weekend visiting and sleepovers get so out of hand. The other family is financially much better off than we are so I suppose being there is more fun because they are always going to restaurants and doing adventurous things. My problem is that these people's values are completely different to our own family's. Money gets thrown around like it has no value and I can see the way it's changing my children. My boys are 13 and 10. We've now laid down some ground rules about only sleeping out 2 nights a month. The kids feel they are being punished, and I'm sure they think home is a prison. I feel very much in the middle of my husbands expectations and that of my children. Does anyone have some advice for me?
 
October 4, 2005, 6:50 am CDT

You did say

Quote From: mallymoo

Two years ago my husband and I had to go abroad for 4 months and for 1 month out of that time my kids stayed back in our hometown with friends. They have become very close to the other family since then and it has evolved to the point where they spend every weekend with them lately. They've just returned from the school holidays that they spent with them at the coast. I know I shouldn't have let the all-weekend visiting and sleepovers get so out of hand. The other family is financially much better off than we are so I suppose being there is more fun because they are always going to restaurants and doing adventurous things. My problem is that these people's values are completely different to our own family's. Money gets thrown around like it has no value and I can see the way it's changing my children. My boys are 13 and 10. We've now laid down some ground rules about only sleeping out 2 nights a month. The kids feel they are being punished, and I'm sure they think home is a prison. I feel very much in the middle of my husbands expectations and that of my children. Does anyone have some advice for me?

that you and your husband are the parents right?  If that is the case then start laying down the law, and remember what Phil has said - theyr'e going to scream and yell, and test you.  Your their parents and not their friends.  Remember also what he has said - kids need security and a safe place to fall, and no that they are loved. 

  

Come on 'Get hep to the jive'.  Be parents!!! 

 
October 5, 2005, 4:41 pm CDT

Witnessing a breaking relationship.

I'm an 18 year old male and I live with my parents. I'm beginning to see strains in their relationship. They're fighting more often than they have in the past; in the past two weeks they've fought at least twice. Just tonight they had another argument. This time it was about my Father's family, my Mother feeling like they don't treat her well, and many other issues I find extremely childish including getting the wrong kind of donuts. 

  

Me and my Mother have had a strained relationship in the past and I feel an automatic bias against her whenever they argue. I can't help but feel that she takes things too seriously and is too willing to hurt the people that love her just to be right. Though I know my Father has his faults too, I don't feel that he is doing things on purpose, and that my Mother is too quick to be insulted. 

  

I feel helpless; I want to step in and do something but I've done it before and it's only made things worse or aimed hostility in my direction. If they divorced, I know that our lives would fall apart. My Father is the only person working in the household. My Mother is disabled and can't do physical work, and I have ongoing identification problems keeping me from getting a job. If they divorced, at least one person in the family would be left to the streets. 

  

I don't know what I should do. We can't afford counceling or therapy, and I'm terrified at what will happen if I both don't step in or do step in. 

 
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