Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I am writing this to hopefully find something to help. I am a mother of one and a step mother of two. I have been married for eight years and i see it all falling apart. my husband and i , well we fight a lot. this last time we had a very bad fight and he told me to chose of what i wanted, if i wanted him or not. he trow his wededing band on the table and i was beside myself, was hurt and felt alone at that moment. then not even an hour later he cam to me and said he wants me in his kife and it will all work out. we have fought so much in the last few years that i chould not say anything but i don't know. that is all i know now i am afaid to tell him how i feel b/c i do not want to fight. my heart has grown cold over the years but i still love him. his kids have put me through so much but i am still here but i don't know how to deal whit this hurtful pain he has left me in this last time. 

The other replies you had I felt missed the point.  Yes it does take 2 to tango but smiling sweetly at family dinners with the in-laws when you feel your sister-in-law needs to be told a million home truths is difficult.   

My situation is somewhat different but I'm a few years further down the line than you.  First thing counselling helped.  We went there and said we've been having the same in-law row for 8 years and can't resolve it.  Having the third party in the room stopped us turning the volume up and we started listening to each other's point of view. 

Second thing.  It's difficult for your parents-in-law and others as well.  They have to invite everyone or they will be seen as taking sides and they are dreading an argument breaking out in the middle of their parties. 

Third thing is to manage each situation as it arises.  Work things out before the event.  Generally all you need to do is breeze in say "Hello, anything new since I saw you last?", comment on whatever SIL replies, make an observation about the weather for her to agree with and then excuse yourself to the ladies.  When you return avoid SIL.  You've done your duty.  You've been seen to be pleasant under difficult circumstances.   

I am a 32 YO mom of 3...I just meet my father about 6 months ago or so. I have not seen him since I was 16 and before that I had never seen him. I dont know why I feel the way I feel but See he has 3 other kids with the wife he has now and of course they are all grown now as well. But my father still does not have anything to do with me. He has said he was sorry for never being there while I was growing up but has yet to show to me that he means it. He will do whatever for his other 3 kids but nothing for me. He also will talk to my kids when they call but he never ask them how I am doing or anything like that. He has just met my kids also.I sometimes feel I am being a baby but there is so much more about all of this but really dont think this is the place to air all the dirty laundry.Can someone please tell me why I feel the hate I feel for him and my siblings I do and how to overcome it? 

       Thanks, 

       SAD IN TEXAS 

Hello jaamty.  I was reading through a few posts and I came across yours.  I'm not much on replies, but having read some of the advice you were given, I felt at the very least I had to say something.  He's a jerk just doesn't cut it.  So, here's my two bits on the matter; it probably won't give you a definitive solution to your situation, but at the very least I hope I can give you a little more insight into it.   

First and foremost, you're not alone.   What your daughter and her ex are going through is not unique.  It's actually so common I'm suprised it doesn't have a clinical name, especially given how many times the kids fall into the hole.  I worked for several years as a college counsler, helping the incoming freshman adjust to their new life and deal with various issues that came up.    When it came to relationships, it wasn't uncommon for highschool sweethearts over the summer to swear undying fielty to their beloved, promising to wait for them until the day they graduated.  It also wasn't uncommon for them to get dumped the first week of class because "I don't know what my future holds."  Furthermore, these same sweethearts usually spend the next four years breaking up and getting back together and then breaking up again.  And inevitably, too many people get drawn into the situation and someone somewhere is called a callous, selfish, heartless, cheating -insert word here- brute for doing what they did in such a fashion.  Sound familiar? 

Three things worth looking at here.  One:  Inexperience  These kids wake up one day eighteen years after their birth and are told guess what, they're now responsible for everything in their life despite not having the foggiest on how to handle financial, social, personal, emotional, or any other affair.  For some it takes a few short months, for others well... we all know that old man who still acts like he's 16.  In short, they don't understand consequence expands beyond the immediate limits of a single moment in time.  Two:  Their personality is changing.  Where once mom and dad (or some other authority figure) were the unspoken, absolute authority on all matters in life, suddenly, they are not.  And just as suddenly, the basis for their judgment has been obliterated.  Who am I if mom and dad are not always right?  Three:  Growing up is a seductive affair.  Suddenly, they can do just about anything, but only if they pay for it.  To compensate for all this, they usually dance between clinging to definitive icons of one's stabler youth and obliterating their past completely to make way for the new.  This usually ends up causing more harm than the breakup originally intended to prevent, but then that goes straight back to issue one, doesn't it?  (And yes by the way, they will calm down... later.)   

Now, empathy is not justification, but I highly doubt any of this was done to intentionally cause you and your daughter emotional pain.  He's still that sweet young boy you knew, but you also knew he'd grow up at some point.  I'd worry more if at 25 he acted the same way he did at 15.  So what's my advice?  First, your daughter needs to let him go for now.  They're at the point where it's not a relationship, it's a safety net:  A way of coping with change without actually confronting it.  If this means she can't see him, then don't (and stick to it!).  There's nothing wrong with taking a moment to clear one's head and figure out what they want to do.   Secondly (this one's gonna kill ya), you have to understand you can't fix this for her.  I know, I know, you're her mother and you want nothing more than to jump in and make it all better.  But she needs to come to her own decision on the matter.  This doesn't mean you can't console her or offer her advice, but make sure to give her a respectful distance on the affair.  I'm sure she's genuinely aware of how much this is affecting you too, and that may distract both you and her from the matter at hand:  Does she really want this relationship and all the baggage it entails?  Last thing you want her to do is make a decision that will keep the peace at the price of her happiness.  

I wish I could offer you a more productive answer, but it's all I got.  I hope it helps some.  :)  Good luck and God bless.   

I have a good friend who had an emotionally scarred childhood.  His father abandoned the family when my friend was 11 and then he was sexually abused at age 13 by a 34-year-old woman.  He is now 52 years old and has not spoken to his father in more than 20 years.  At age 25 or so he married a teenager (age 18) whom he got pregnant.  Neither loved each other, but he stuck in the marriage for 25 years for the sake of the 2 kids.  For the first 15 years he was completely faithful, but he came to a point where he was extremely starved for affection and sought it outside the marriage.  He had a string of affairs until one of the women went to his wife in order (she said) to get the 2 of them to seek some help for their marriage and especially for him.  Even though the wife knew he was seeing other women and not stopping him, she took this meeting with the other woman as proof of his infidality and went straight to their kids (who were in their early 20's at the time).  That was 4 years ago and my friend has had no contact with his kids ever since and is devastated.  He kept hoping they would come back.  He has sent numerous emails without a response.  He is unable to call them or even see them as his now ex-wife won't give him their phone numbers or addresses.  She is playing the role of the victim and has completely turned their kids against him.  He has come to a point now where he is so depressed about the loss of his kids, who were the most precious things in his life, that he is seriously considering suicide.  Is there any hope for this family?