Message Boards

Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 11, 2005, 9:56 pm CDT

You must have really burnt bridges

Quote From: torn2ways

I am a 27 year old mother of two that struggles everyday tring to be happy with the new life i have made for myself and children. When I was nineteen I had a falling out with my parents and brother. I since have seen my mother about three times over the years at local stores and she litterally runs the ohter way like she doesnt even know me. I have seen my dad once I got in line behind him at the grocery store and he turned and talked to my son, so I decided I would let him know he was talking to his grandson. He looked at me with complete shock and said I would of never know it was you, and he walked out the door. My brother recently got married and I wrote him before his big day in hopes we could patch this  up but he has told everyone he is just not ready. My husband says I should shut that chapter of my life because I am not being fair to the family that does want to be in my life.My question is how can eight years not be enough time and is my husband right should I forget where I came from and move on.

To have your parents run from you just seeing you - you must have really done an Class A job in reverse. 

  

How do you repair - you start by writing a letter to them and pour your heart out.  Keep sending this letter as one of them will be opened.  Then take a good look at yourself. 

 
October 12, 2005, 12:35 pm CDT

The main problem is holding grudges

Quote From: renagade

To have your parents run from you just seeing you - you must have really done an Class A job in reverse. 

  

How do you repair - you start by writing a letter to them and pour your heart out.  Keep sending this letter as one of them will be opened.  Then take a good look at yourself. 

Thanks for your reply.The fight between my parents and I was basically because they didnt like the man I moved out of there home with. I basically didnt do what they told me to do so they are still upset after all these years. And the kicker of it all is I was only with the guy about two months after I moved out. I have a very large family and my mom has divided everyone on this issue literally. About half of my family still speak to me the rest wont because they dont want to make my mom mad. (this includes my dad and brother) I have a few family members who have tried to talk to my mom to expain to her its not worth keeping it going and she has grandchildren she is missing out on but she gets very angry and tells them to mind their own business. I am very hurt by her behavior expecially when my kids dont know most of my family any better than they would a stranger walking down the street. When this all began I thought they would come around but now that eight years have went by I begin to fell like maybe we are better off with them not in our life if that is how they want to be. But unfortunally that doesnt make the holidays and special events any easier, knowing that my family and the family members that talk to me are left out of these special days. I just feel like I am getting too old for all the drama and we all need to forgive and forget and try to move foward from today. But like my husband says I cant force it. It is a never ending battle I have with myself constantly. At the end of the day I feel like I am letting my children down because I havent fixed the problems years ago. I think I am going to try writing a letter to see if we can move on.
 
October 12, 2005, 2:43 pm CDT

Mother Chose Boyfriend over Adult Kids

At the age of 25 now, I've been struggling with the divorce of my parents for the past 3 years, when my mother first moved out.  She decided that my father was not fulfilling her needs emotionally and she wanted time to "find herself" as she thought that she sacrificed many years of her life taking care of the kids (me and my brother), and wasn't able to pursue a career (although many times my father offered to put her through college).  She said that she wasn't seeing anyone and just wanted to move out on her own.  My brother and I were supportive at first because my dad always was very controlling when it came to money and spending, and we were both at the ages where we could see that not all relationships work out.  However, within days of her moving out, she was already "entertaining" men at her new place.  On Christmas day that first year she moved out, we didn't see her, she spent the day with some man, and when I called her later that night to ask her where she was, she hung up the phone on me and then shut her phone off.  By March of the next year, she moved back in the house because her relationships weren't working out and she wasn't sure if she wanted to leave my dad.  My dad still loved her and forgave her because he never wanted her to leave in the first place.  He's very much an introvert and sometimes has difficulty showing his feelings.  She stayed for about a month before moving back out again.  This time, my brother didn't want to have anything to do with her.  I tried to stay in touch, but there were still a lot of unresolved feelings.  That year, she came over for Christmas in the morning and then left to spend the rest of the day with the boyfriend at the time.  By 2004, my mother and I were starting to get along a lot better.  I bought a fixer-upper house in September and she came over to help me with it, bringing that current boyfriend along.  I liked him, but unfortunately, he was married and not quite ready to leave.  Christmas 2004 and we had another civil gathering for Christmas (both my dad, mother, brother, and I).  She started a new relationship at the beginning of 2005 and is still with this guy now.  The first time I met him and I immediately disliked him because he was rude-acting and basically insinuated that I shouldn't have bought a fixer-upper house being a single female because that was for a man to do.  I saw more of him and things weren't too bad, although he seemed somewhat judgmental and rude.  Because my finances have been very tight due to the house, an out-of-state wedding for a family member caused me to accept my mother's invite to ride up with them and to share a hotel room with them.  The invite was addressed to my mother and I only, but she chose to include her boyfriend.  My father was also invited to the wedding because my parents were married young and so he practically group up with her family, they had been married for 30 years.  The trip up was not the greatest, but I kept my mouth shut when her boyfriend commented that I was the reason that he didn't have kids.  On the day of the wedding, their was a Lifetime movie on tv while we were getting ready.  One scene had a grandmother wanting her granddaughter to go skinny dipping with her since she had a terminal illness and would be dying shortly.  I declared that I would never go skinny dipping with a grandparent, that I didn't think that it was appropriate.  Her boyfriend told me that I was a cruel, cruel person if I couldn't honor a person's dying request.  My mother was basically agreeing with him.  Then he said that he didn't know where I got it from because I didn't get it from my mother since she was such a warm, friendly person.  He followed up with, he guessed he'd find out when he met my father for the first time that night.  I was very upset, especially since my mother wouldn't tell him that it wasn't appropriate for him to speak to me like that.  I ended up riding back home with my father and brother and haven't spoken on the phone with or seen my mother since.  She has sent me e-mails here and there, but instead of apologizing, she just tells me that her boyfriend was abused as a child and that's why he is the way he is.  I feel that this is a poor excuse.  When we become adults, we choose how we want to act.  I haven't spoken with my mother for over four months.   

  

I am now at the point in my life where I'm considering marriage.  My boyfriend and I have talked about it some, but I'm very scared because of how I saw what I had considered a "perfect marriage" disintegrate right before my eyes.  He has been with me from the onset of my parents' separation.  I can't imagine how my wedding would go, especially since I'm not talking to my mother and since my dad is still very bothered by my mother's leaving him and gets really sad when he's at weddings (and then starts drinking).   

  

Am I acting like an irrational child - angry that I don't have my mother's attention anymore?  Should I try renewing the relationship?  I think that since she's not apologized for the awkward position I was put in with her boyfriend and that she's really made no attempt to get in touch with me, that I should just stay on my own.   Is it right for a child to distance themselves from a parent if the parent never abused them? 

 
October 12, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

sister and her daughter fighting please help

my sister is 60 her daughter is 36 they are fighting using bad words, really hate eachother please help me what can i do to help them i love both of them it is very hard to hear how bad they talk about each other they use to be so close as close as a mother and daughter can get. please i need to help them.
 
October 12, 2005, 7:29 pm CDT

My brother hates me

I don't know what I am going to do! I really love my brother and I think he will hate me forever. Over the past year I have watched my brother's wife dicipline my neice ( who is her step-daughter) in a way I do not approve of. Of course it is not my place to get involved with the dicipline of my brothers children. I do however believe that if I have concerns about a child's well being I should do something regardless of who it is. On more then one occasion I have witnessed my sister-in-law put my niece in the corner for more than 3 hours. She is only 4 years old and I think that is just excessive dicipline and neglect. I tried to talk to both my brother and his wife but they just got defensive and outraged. In the last year, every time I have seen my niece she has been in the corner or asleep. My mother has told me the same thing whenever she has visited their home. My neice is always introuble and diciplined. One time we had a family gathering in the park and of course my neice was again in trouble. My brothers wife made her face a tree and was not allowed to play with anyone and none of our family was permitted to talk to her for the entire family party. I just want her to be treated with love and kindness but I just don't see it. Well today I called Child Protection and told them what I felt. I know that my brother will hate me when they show up at their door to invesigate my complaint. I told my bother that I love him and his daughter and I just want her to be treated fairly. He told me to leave his family alone and hung up on me. I think that will be the last time he will talk to me. Did I do the wrong thing?? What can I do now???? Deep down inside I knew I was going to loose my brother.
 
October 12, 2005, 7:56 pm CDT

husband hates family

My husband cannot stand for me to have anything to do with my family. I have tried for so long to tell hime that I need them just as much as he needs his family. My Daughters don't even know my mother and I have not seen her in over a year and she lives 3 hours away from me. I have tried talking to my husband, writing him, and even ignoring the way he feels. I don't know what else to do. He keeps telling me that the only reason they want me around is to use me to make me think that they do not care anything about me. He thinks that maybe I will get hurt by the things he says and believe them and stop seeing them. I have thought about divorce because this is not the only thing that I have a problem with when it comes to him. He is also very verbally abusive to me. He is a very jealous man over everything. I cannot even go to my neighbors house for more than 30 minutes without him getting mad and it is getting worse everyday. He is a good father, most of the time. I don't want to just walk out. I hate divorces and I don't think that I could bare to see my children hurt when they have to leave their daddy and his family. I also cannot handle having my children away from me when they have to visit him. I cannot sleep without knowing that my children are right there with me. What do I do??? I am at a loss... 
 
October 13, 2005, 7:22 am CDT

Wow...

Quote From: torn2ways

Thanks for your reply.The fight between my parents and I was basically because they didnt like the man I moved out of there home with. I basically didnt do what they told me to do so they are still upset after all these years. And the kicker of it all is I was only with the guy about two months after I moved out. I have a very large family and my mom has divided everyone on this issue literally. About half of my family still speak to me the rest wont because they dont want to make my mom mad. (this includes my dad and brother) I have a few family members who have tried to talk to my mom to expain to her its not worth keeping it going and she has grandchildren she is missing out on but she gets very angry and tells them to mind their own business. I am very hurt by her behavior expecially when my kids dont know most of my family any better than they would a stranger walking down the street. When this all began I thought they would come around but now that eight years have went by I begin to fell like maybe we are better off with them not in our life if that is how they want to be. But unfortunally that doesnt make the holidays and special events any easier, knowing that my family and the family members that talk to me are left out of these special days. I just feel like I am getting too old for all the drama and we all need to forgive and forget and try to move foward from today. But like my husband says I cant force it. It is a never ending battle I have with myself constantly. At the end of the day I feel like I am letting my children down because I havent fixed the problems years ago. I think I am going to try writing a letter to see if we can move on.
 You talk about holding grudges! And talk about your punishment being unequal to the crime! Your parents sound like very controlling people. Make one mistake and you're cut out of the family forever! Have they led exemplary lives? Have they never made mistakes in judgement?

Are you really sure you want your children to learn anything from these stern, unforgiving, "cut your nose off to spite your own face" type of people? I'm not sure your family knows what real love is, and I think if it were me, I'd cut my losses and go on with a clear conscience. One day they may wake up, or not. But like your husband says, it's up to them.
 
October 13, 2005, 7:51 am CDT

To meagain30

 It's sad that your parents divorce is affecting you this way. But you are not your mother. Your fiance is not your father. Your relationship is not their relationship. Some personal counseling would help you to get clarity on your emotions over this, and then some couple counseling with your fiance before the wedding would be a good thing too.

Now, as to your mother. It sounds to me like she is very vulnerable right now. It appears that she is basing her self worth on the opinion of others, men in particular. The fact that she is going through so many in so short a time, and not choosing well, points to a low opinion of herself. Now for  the bad news, I think her current boyfriend sounds manipulative and abusive. Of course, I only have your words describing him, so I could be wrong, but... If she seems to be cutting you off, it could be isolation tactics on his part. Your mother sounds like she needs help, and fast. If she's not ready to accept that, there's not much you can do though. Sometimes when we are at our ugliest, it's the time we need help the most. She may not know how to ask for help or understanding.
 
October 13, 2005, 7:58 am CDT

Get a tape recorder.

Quote From: abcforn9

my sister is 60 her daughter is 36 they are fighting using bad words, really hate eachother please help me what can i do to help them i love both of them it is very hard to hear how bad they talk about each other they use to be so close as close as a mother and daughter can get. please i need to help them.
 If they behave this way in front of you, tape them being ugly to each other, without them knowing, if possible. Then after they have cooled down, let them listen. Tell them that you love them both and it's tearing you up listening to them saying things they will remember the rest of their lives. Like the old saying, "pictures don't lie," we seldom actually hear what we sound like, but others do.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
 
October 13, 2005, 8:03 am CDT

You did the right thing.

Quote From: steffani4

I don't know what I am going to do! I really love my brother and I think he will hate me forever. Over the past year I have watched my brother's wife dicipline my neice ( who is her step-daughter) in a way I do not approve of. Of course it is not my place to get involved with the dicipline of my brothers children. I do however believe that if I have concerns about a child's well being I should do something regardless of who it is. On more then one occasion I have witnessed my sister-in-law put my niece in the corner for more than 3 hours. She is only 4 years old and I think that is just excessive dicipline and neglect. I tried to talk to both my brother and his wife but they just got defensive and outraged. In the last year, every time I have seen my niece she has been in the corner or asleep. My mother has told me the same thing whenever she has visited their home. My neice is always introuble and diciplined. One time we had a family gathering in the park and of course my neice was again in trouble. My brothers wife made her face a tree and was not allowed to play with anyone and none of our family was permitted to talk to her for the entire family party. I just want her to be treated with love and kindness but I just don't see it. Well today I called Child Protection and told them what I felt. I know that my brother will hate me when they show up at their door to invesigate my complaint. I told my bother that I love him and his daughter and I just want her to be treated fairly. He told me to leave his family alone and hung up on me. I think that will be the last time he will talk to me. Did I do the wrong thing?? What can I do now???? Deep down inside I knew I was going to loose my brother.
 Often times doing the right thing does not make us popular. At 4 years old, time out should be limited to 4 minutes! If your mother feels the same way about this, you two should talk to your brother and SIL. There is some serious child abuse going on here, and the fact that the child's own father is putting up with it is disturbing to say the least. I take it you two weren't raised that way, so he knows better.

Children are defenseless and completely dependent on us adults. You did the right thing. Your brother and SIL need counseling and parenting classes. Being a step-parent is a difficult task, but you DO NOT take your frustrations out on the child. If she didn't like the child, why did she marry the father? And why would your brother marry her if she didn't like his child? It's a package deal.
 
First | Prev | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | Next | Last