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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

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October 13, 2005, 8:17 am CDT

Do you see the pattern emerging?

Quote From: talk2ksims

My husband cannot stand for me to have anything to do with my family. I have tried for so long to tell hime that I need them just as much as he needs his family. My Daughters don't even know my mother and I have not seen her in over a year and she lives 3 hours away from me. I have tried talking to my husband, writing him, and even ignoring the way he feels. I don't know what else to do. He keeps telling me that the only reason they want me around is to use me to make me think that they do not care anything about me. He thinks that maybe I will get hurt by the things he says and believe them and stop seeing them. I have thought about divorce because this is not the only thing that I have a problem with when it comes to him. He is also very verbally abusive to me. He is a very jealous man over everything. I cannot even go to my neighbors house for more than 30 minutes without him getting mad and it is getting worse everyday. He is a good father, most of the time. I don't want to just walk out. I hate divorces and I don't think that I could bare to see my children hurt when they have to leave their daddy and his family. I also cannot handle having my children away from me when they have to visit him. I cannot sleep without knowing that my children are right there with me. What do I do??? I am at a loss... 
 Your husband is controlling you and isolating you. I think you know this. It will only get worse. Get help, call your parents to come get you if you have to. And if it comes to that, you know exactly how much control your husband has taken. There are many numbers to call and services available. You both need counseling. It would probably be in your best interest to get some private counseling and be separated for awhile. Then, if he is willing and goes for private counseling also, you can seek couples counseling to see if this relationship is for you. It's imperative that you have private counseling first though. Your thinking process was not strong enough to keep you out of this mess to begin with, it's still not up to the task of resisting him. Only you know how vindictive he's capable of being, so when you leave, take with you any personal items you may need, and your children. Get legal help for protection and advice. Don't suffer in silence and don't wish for it to go away, because it won't . This is your challenge in life, for you and for your children, act fast.
 
October 13, 2005, 1:04 pm CDT

Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: ritehere

 Your husband is controlling you and isolating you. I think you know this. It will only get worse. Get help, call your parents to come get you if you have to. And if it comes to that, you know exactly how much control your husband has taken. There are many numbers to call and services available. You both need counseling. It would probably be in your best interest to get some private counseling and be separated for awhile. Then, if he is willing and goes for private counseling also, you can seek couples counseling to see if this relationship is for you. It's imperative that you have private counseling first though. Your thinking process was not strong enough to keep you out of this mess to begin with, it's still not up to the task of resisting him. Only you know how vindictive he's capable of being, so when you leave, take with you any personal items you may need, and your children. Get legal help for protection and advice. Don't suffer in silence and don't wish for it to go away, because it won't . This is your challenge in life, for you and for your children, act fast.
 I know he is controlling me but I was hoping that he would change. I know that people say that all the time but he is only bad about that. I know that he will not go to counseling because he does not think that anything is wrong with our relationship. I don't know what to do. Today my aunt called and she has had a heart attack again and we are soooooooo close. She practically raised me. I don't know what I would do without her. The doctor said that she was on the verge of a massive heart attack, that only 40% of her heart was pumping, and that she has an enlarged heart as well. I have not seen her in a while and was thinking about going to see her this weekend but I am afraid to tell him because he will get mad and I know that. To make things worse I got home and his mother and I got into a huge fight. She said that she understood why my husband does not want me to see my family because gas is so high right now and most of them live at least 30 minutes away. When I mentioned leaving she said that she tried to run me off for the first 6 months of our relationship and I would not go and now that I have kids I want to leave. That is such a mean thing to bring up now after 11 years. I am having such a bad day and then I come home and she is screaming like something crazy. I just don't know how much more I can put up with. I want to save my marriage so badly. I love him so much. I don't believe that divorce should be the first thing that you run to when things get rough. I just wish I knew where to start. I thought about telling him when and when he could not see his family but I know that is wrong on my part and I would never stoop that low. I cannot afford to go to counseling either. I don't know what else to do. I am so depressed.
 
October 13, 2005, 4:21 pm CDT

You must act.

Quote From: talk2ksims

 I know he is controlling me but I was hoping that he would change. I know that people say that all the time but he is only bad about that. I know that he will not go to counseling because he does not think that anything is wrong with our relationship. I don't know what to do. Today my aunt called and she has had a heart attack again and we are soooooooo close. She practically raised me. I don't know what I would do without her. The doctor said that she was on the verge of a massive heart attack, that only 40% of her heart was pumping, and that she has an enlarged heart as well. I have not seen her in a while and was thinking about going to see her this weekend but I am afraid to tell him because he will get mad and I know that. To make things worse I got home and his mother and I got into a huge fight. She said that she understood why my husband does not want me to see my family because gas is so high right now and most of them live at least 30 minutes away. When I mentioned leaving she said that she tried to run me off for the first 6 months of our relationship and I would not go and now that I have kids I want to leave. That is such a mean thing to bring up now after 11 years. I am having such a bad day and then I come home and she is screaming like something crazy. I just don't know how much more I can put up with. I want to save my marriage so badly. I love him so much. I don't believe that divorce should be the first thing that you run to when things get rough. I just wish I knew where to start. I thought about telling him when and when he could not see his family but I know that is wrong on my part and I would never stoop that low. I cannot afford to go to counseling either. I don't know what else to do. I am so depressed.
 I didn't say you had to divorce, but I DO think you need to separate so that YOU can get the help and support that you need.
Like Dr Phil says, "What is your marriage costing you, and is it worth the price?" You are being made to pay for the privilege of his abuse and his mother's abuse, and the horrible lessons your children are learning from this abuse, with your family and those you love. You're even afraid to see a beloved aunt that is in a serious health condition. This is not normal, loving behavior and you know it. Your fear is understandable, but nothing will change for you until you make the first move. Call your family, call social services, call the police, call someone.

My heart goes out to you, but all I have are my words.
 
October 14, 2005, 4:53 pm CDT

Bottom Line

Quote From: talk2ksims

 I know he is controlling me but I was hoping that he would change. I know that people say that all the time but he is only bad about that. I know that he will not go to counseling because he does not think that anything is wrong with our relationship. I don't know what to do. Today my aunt called and she has had a heart attack again and we are soooooooo close. She practically raised me. I don't know what I would do without her. The doctor said that she was on the verge of a massive heart attack, that only 40% of her heart was pumping, and that she has an enlarged heart as well. I have not seen her in a while and was thinking about going to see her this weekend but I am afraid to tell him because he will get mad and I know that. To make things worse I got home and his mother and I got into a huge fight. She said that she understood why my husband does not want me to see my family because gas is so high right now and most of them live at least 30 minutes away. When I mentioned leaving she said that she tried to run me off for the first 6 months of our relationship and I would not go and now that I have kids I want to leave. That is such a mean thing to bring up now after 11 years. I am having such a bad day and then I come home and she is screaming like something crazy. I just don't know how much more I can put up with. I want to save my marriage so badly. I love him so much. I don't believe that divorce should be the first thing that you run to when things get rough. I just wish I knew where to start. I thought about telling him when and when he could not see his family but I know that is wrong on my part and I would never stoop that low. I cannot afford to go to counseling either. I don't know what else to do. I am so depressed.

I doubt your aunt is capable of doing anything but think of her own mortality at the moment.  There is no logical reason for you not to see her.  Why are you married to a man who has a problem with you sick visiting?   

  

Your aunt obviously went beyond the call of duty for you when you were young.  The type of husband every woman should have is one who respects things like that and makes every effort for her to repay kindness when others are in need.   

  

Even if you haven't the courage to get up, take the kids and visit your aunt you should at least send her a card with a long hand written message and flowers. 

 
October 14, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

Card christmas and birthdays

Quote From: torn2ways

Thanks for your reply.The fight between my parents and I was basically because they didnt like the man I moved out of there home with. I basically didnt do what they told me to do so they are still upset after all these years. And the kicker of it all is I was only with the guy about two months after I moved out. I have a very large family and my mom has divided everyone on this issue literally. About half of my family still speak to me the rest wont because they dont want to make my mom mad. (this includes my dad and brother) I have a few family members who have tried to talk to my mom to expain to her its not worth keeping it going and she has grandchildren she is missing out on but she gets very angry and tells them to mind their own business. I am very hurt by her behavior expecially when my kids dont know most of my family any better than they would a stranger walking down the street. When this all began I thought they would come around but now that eight years have went by I begin to fell like maybe we are better off with them not in our life if that is how they want to be. But unfortunally that doesnt make the holidays and special events any easier, knowing that my family and the family members that talk to me are left out of these special days. I just feel like I am getting too old for all the drama and we all need to forgive and forget and try to move foward from today. But like my husband says I cant force it. It is a never ending battle I have with myself constantly. At the end of the day I feel like I am letting my children down because I havent fixed the problems years ago. I think I am going to try writing a letter to see if we can move on.

It sounds to me as if people you and your parents respect have said all the right things to heal this breach.  I wouldn't pour my heart out in a letter.  It would hurt too much if I never got a reply.  I'd start sending a card every christmas and birthday signed by you, your sensible sounding husband and your children.   

  

One day you may get a glorious surprise and they will contact you but until then you are doing Dr Phil's bare minimum to move on.   

 
October 14, 2005, 5:29 pm CDT

Gosh ! I'm replying to everything tonight!

Quote From: meagain30

At the age of 25 now, I've been struggling with the divorce of my parents for the past 3 years, when my mother first moved out.  She decided that my father was not fulfilling her needs emotionally and she wanted time to "find herself" as she thought that she sacrificed many years of her life taking care of the kids (me and my brother), and wasn't able to pursue a career (although many times my father offered to put her through college).  She said that she wasn't seeing anyone and just wanted to move out on her own.  My brother and I were supportive at first because my dad always was very controlling when it came to money and spending, and we were both at the ages where we could see that not all relationships work out.  However, within days of her moving out, she was already "entertaining" men at her new place.  On Christmas day that first year she moved out, we didn't see her, she spent the day with some man, and when I called her later that night to ask her where she was, she hung up the phone on me and then shut her phone off.  By March of the next year, she moved back in the house because her relationships weren't working out and she wasn't sure if she wanted to leave my dad.  My dad still loved her and forgave her because he never wanted her to leave in the first place.  He's very much an introvert and sometimes has difficulty showing his feelings.  She stayed for about a month before moving back out again.  This time, my brother didn't want to have anything to do with her.  I tried to stay in touch, but there were still a lot of unresolved feelings.  That year, she came over for Christmas in the morning and then left to spend the rest of the day with the boyfriend at the time.  By 2004, my mother and I were starting to get along a lot better.  I bought a fixer-upper house in September and she came over to help me with it, bringing that current boyfriend along.  I liked him, but unfortunately, he was married and not quite ready to leave.  Christmas 2004 and we had another civil gathering for Christmas (both my dad, mother, brother, and I).  She started a new relationship at the beginning of 2005 and is still with this guy now.  The first time I met him and I immediately disliked him because he was rude-acting and basically insinuated that I shouldn't have bought a fixer-upper house being a single female because that was for a man to do.  I saw more of him and things weren't too bad, although he seemed somewhat judgmental and rude.  Because my finances have been very tight due to the house, an out-of-state wedding for a family member caused me to accept my mother's invite to ride up with them and to share a hotel room with them.  The invite was addressed to my mother and I only, but she chose to include her boyfriend.  My father was also invited to the wedding because my parents were married young and so he practically group up with her family, they had been married for 30 years.  The trip up was not the greatest, but I kept my mouth shut when her boyfriend commented that I was the reason that he didn't have kids.  On the day of the wedding, their was a Lifetime movie on tv while we were getting ready.  One scene had a grandmother wanting her granddaughter to go skinny dipping with her since she had a terminal illness and would be dying shortly.  I declared that I would never go skinny dipping with a grandparent, that I didn't think that it was appropriate.  Her boyfriend told me that I was a cruel, cruel person if I couldn't honor a person's dying request.  My mother was basically agreeing with him.  Then he said that he didn't know where I got it from because I didn't get it from my mother since she was such a warm, friendly person.  He followed up with, he guessed he'd find out when he met my father for the first time that night.  I was very upset, especially since my mother wouldn't tell him that it wasn't appropriate for him to speak to me like that.  I ended up riding back home with my father and brother and haven't spoken on the phone with or seen my mother since.  She has sent me e-mails here and there, but instead of apologizing, she just tells me that her boyfriend was abused as a child and that's why he is the way he is.  I feel that this is a poor excuse.  When we become adults, we choose how we want to act.  I haven't spoken with my mother for over four months.   

  

I am now at the point in my life where I'm considering marriage.  My boyfriend and I have talked about it some, but I'm very scared because of how I saw what I had considered a "perfect marriage" disintegrate right before my eyes.  He has been with me from the onset of my parents' separation.  I can't imagine how my wedding would go, especially since I'm not talking to my mother and since my dad is still very bothered by my mother's leaving him and gets really sad when he's at weddings (and then starts drinking).   

  

Am I acting like an irrational child - angry that I don't have my mother's attention anymore?  Should I try renewing the relationship?  I think that since she's not apologized for the awkward position I was put in with her boyfriend and that she's really made no attempt to get in touch with me, that I should just stay on my own.   Is it right for a child to distance themselves from a parent if the parent never abused them? 

My husband's family is difficult to say the least but I've a lovely idea for a cocktail party wedding which it would be too controlling to suggest when my boys marry, if they do, and it's too late now to have a daughter. 

  

Guests arrive at 4.30pm for tea, coffee and biscuits and a 5.00pm ceremony.  After the ceremony the photographs are taken to a background of interesting alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks and tiny sandwiches and cakes.   

  

Father of the bride gets up on the bandstand and gives his speech to start off a disco.  Around 7.30 the bride and groom stop the disco and say their piece and direct everyone to a proper buffet.  Best man is up on the bandstand is introduce the live band at 8pm.  In the unlikely event your mother and her new boyfriend (He'll have to come unless she sees the light!!) want to speak they can do it at the next disco/band swop. 

  

Your mother is experimenting with different values to those she passed on to you.  Have some sympathy for what she's doing to her future  - she married young and probably didn't do anything stupid beforehand.  I've just finished - exam today - a course on systems thinking and could debate either side of the film argument until the cows come home.  It's an ethical dilemma in system thinking speak.   

 
October 14, 2005, 5:43 pm CDT

You have my support

Quote From: steffani4

I don't know what I am going to do! I really love my brother and I think he will hate me forever. Over the past year I have watched my brother's wife dicipline my neice ( who is her step-daughter) in a way I do not approve of. Of course it is not my place to get involved with the dicipline of my brothers children. I do however believe that if I have concerns about a child's well being I should do something regardless of who it is. On more then one occasion I have witnessed my sister-in-law put my niece in the corner for more than 3 hours. She is only 4 years old and I think that is just excessive dicipline and neglect. I tried to talk to both my brother and his wife but they just got defensive and outraged. In the last year, every time I have seen my niece she has been in the corner or asleep. My mother has told me the same thing whenever she has visited their home. My neice is always introuble and diciplined. One time we had a family gathering in the park and of course my neice was again in trouble. My brothers wife made her face a tree and was not allowed to play with anyone and none of our family was permitted to talk to her for the entire family party. I just want her to be treated with love and kindness but I just don't see it. Well today I called Child Protection and told them what I felt. I know that my brother will hate me when they show up at their door to invesigate my complaint. I told my bother that I love him and his daughter and I just want her to be treated fairly. He told me to leave his family alone and hung up on me. I think that will be the last time he will talk to me. Did I do the wrong thing?? What can I do now???? Deep down inside I knew I was going to loose my brother.
As the mother of a 4 year old I think what you have described is so excessive its stunning and I don't have a model child.  As someone who is involved in the situation there was no way you could have improved or solved it.  You called in the professionals.  Right decision all the way in my view.  Their behaviour gave you a choice - watch abuse and collude or call Child Protection.   
 
October 15, 2005, 6:17 pm CDT

Mom's new man

My mom's been widowed now for 9 years.  Three years ago she meet a man she and my dad knew when they were young.  They were friends and socialized with each other over the years.  Now this man is divorced and my mom is a widow.  They started dating and rekindled their relationship.  This was ok with me, my mom was lonely and living alone and he was nice and friendly.  Then things got serious, he moved in with her.  This is the same woman who shot daggers at me when I even though about dating and interacting with boyfriends.  She is living with this man, my kids say Mom, grandmother living with a man and she is not married to him.  My mother is 70 and her man is 71.  I hate him, he's not my father, if I even start to like him because he's good for my mom., I get angry at myself.  I'm betraying my father, I love him, and miss him.  This man is not welcome in my home,  so my mother does not visit us as often, this upset my children who want to see their grandmother.  They think their grandmother loves this man more then them.  I want my mother attention too.  She travels with him, spends all her time with him.  Holidays with him.  I want my mother back, I have already lost my dad.  I need her in my life.  How do I get her to kick him to the curb?  I know my mother deserves to be happy again, but not at the cost of losing my and my family.  This man is not going to be in my life or my children's life.  Tell me what to do  

 
October 15, 2005, 8:24 pm CDT

Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: violet56

My mom's been widowed now for 9 years.  Three years ago she meet a man she and my dad knew when they were young.  They were friends and socialized with each other over the years.  Now this man is divorced and my mom is a widow.  They started dating and rekindled their relationship.  This was ok with me, my mom was lonely and living alone and he was nice and friendly.  Then things got serious, he moved in with her.  This is the same woman who shot daggers at me when I even though about dating and interacting with boyfriends.  She is living with this man, my kids say Mom, grandmother living with a man and she is not married to him.  My mother is 70 and her man is 71.  I hate him, he's not my father, if I even start to like him because he's good for my mom., I get angry at myself.  I'm betraying my father, I love him, and miss him.  This man is not welcome in my home,  so my mother does not visit us as often, this upset my children who want to see their grandmother.  They think their grandmother loves this man more then them.  I want my mother attention too.  She travels with him, spends all her time with him.  Holidays with him.  I want my mother back, I have already lost my dad.  I need her in my life.  How do I get her to kick him to the curb?  I know my mother deserves to be happy again, but not at the cost of losing my and my family.  This man is not going to be in my life or my children's life.  Tell me what to do  

Children should come first.  But you should be mature enough to understand that your mom already raised you and stood by you when you needed her.  Let her be happy.  Once you do this you will be happier yourself and your mom will come around. Believe me, she loves you just give her time.  Look at her age and his.  It is really scary to be alone.  I can honestly say that that is one thing people, because of their human nature, don't like to be alone.  Are you willing to travel with her? Are you willing to give up your time, your space, everything to acompany her and be there for her?  If you are then tell her. But if you can't, because you have a life, understand her.  She's all you have left and the relationship you have with her  now is what you will remember forever.  Let her live her life.
 
October 15, 2005, 9:44 pm CDT

thanks l see your point

Quote From: benavides

Children should come first.  But you should be mature enough to understand that your mom already raised you and stood by you when you needed her.  Let her be happy.  Once you do this you will be happier yourself and your mom will come around. Believe me, she loves you just give her time.  Look at her age and his.  It is really scary to be alone.  I can honestly say that that is one thing people, because of their human nature, don't like to be alone.  Are you willing to travel with her? Are you willing to give up your time, your space, everything to acompany her and be there for her?  If you are then tell her. But if you can't, because you have a life, understand her.  She's all you have left and the relationship you have with her  now is what you will remember forever.  Let her live her life.
i know what your saying and in my head I know you are right.  He's good to her and they share so much in common.  I am happy for her, her friends are all happy for her, that she found love again.  I know its me.  I have meant with my mother and explained my point of view.  I found out she resented me for getting pregnant soon after my father died.  Leaving her to grieve alone.  I never knew she felt that way, I am glad I talked to her.  She has a right to live again, to enjoy life again, I get that. I really am happy for her.  But my grief is still here, it hurts to see them together, thats why we see my mom without him being around.  I know I need to let my father go.    It is so hard, I miss him so much and see this man with my mother only reminds that my dad is gone forever.  Thank you for your comments, I will work on my relationship with both of them.
 
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