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November 16, 2005, 4:54 pm PST

I understand your distress!

Quote From: mamaw7_7

My son's wife moved out last night. I was hopping they could work things out. We talked with them Thursday night like she asked but she still moved out. She moved in with her mom. I believe her mom has a lot to do with her moving out. She is divorced and remarried and I think she has encouraged her to leave. I was raised you do everything you can to stay together work it out. It seems most of their problems are MONEY. As always when couples are young. But I know they have a few other problems but I think if my son would wake up and see and fix a few things as well as she could fix a few things they could work this out I just know they could. They have a baby together I told them everything isn't about them anymore! They have more at stake than just peddy stuff. This is the only time we have ever said anything to them about what is going on with them. My son thinks I have betrayed him and I'm on her side. I told him there is no sides but the baby's!! And that I wasn't going to burn any bridges with her. And he shouldn't as well. I don't want to loose my 1st grand baby. I am going to stay as close to that baby as I can. I don't know what to do to help them anymore. Other than say both of you grow up!!! They are 23yrs and 20yrs old. Only been married 8 months and have this wonderful baby WHY can't they see past their own faces????? I don't want them to get a divorce I love them both!! I told her no matter what happens we love her and will be here for her she is part of our family now no matter what!!

Thank you for any help in this area, Sad Mamaw7_7

This is a sad situation, but as long as no divorce papers are filed there is still hope. If SHE is the one who asked you to talk with them, it sounds like she is trying to work this out. It's possible she was hoping for some sign from your son, that obviously wasn't forthcoming. Maybe she hopes that moving out will shock him into "waking up" like you mentioned. Sometimes people need a very loud wake up call to get through to them. Maybe your son is one of these people. Since your son thinks you betrayed him, I would hazard a guess that this is the case.

I'm not demeaning your son, but in order to straighten things out, everybody has to get real about what is going on. If your son needs some help in how to be a good husband and father, maybe you can steer him that way. And maybe the DIL needs some help with conflict resolution. See if you can get them into some counseling.

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ritehere

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November 16, 2005, 5:07 pm PST

Correspondance

Quote From: mjzion

My father and I always had a great relationship. I was "daddy's little girl" forever. The first guy I seriously dated my dad had no real problems with. After I broke up with this guy I started dating my husband. My husband and I have a great relationship. I am happier with him than I have ever been. My problem is my dad has hated him from the moment they met. My dad cannot stand and will not accept the fact that he has a child from a previous relationship. My stepson lives with us full time and I treat him as my own. The rest of my family treats him wonderfully as well. The last time I spoke to my dad was when I told him i was getting married. My grandfather walked me down the aisle. It still kills me to think about that. My fathers birthday was recently and my husband and I drove the 700 miles to see him. I went by the house and gave him a birthday gift. He wouldn't say anything. I told him to call us and left the number of the hotel we were staying so we could go to dinner. He never called. My whole family went out to dinner that night except us. I recently found out I was pregnant with our first child. This would be my dad's first grandchild. My mom told him about the baby and he only had negative things to say. (I know my mom gave me the "nice" version) I still have not heard from him at all. It is so sad to me that my baby might not ever know his grandfather and my dad might not ever see his grandchild. I also worry about my moms relationship with this baby. I know how much she wants a grandchild but I am very against my child being treated differently than my stepchild. I have talked to my mom about this and she understands. I know she would never purposely treat the children differently but I worry she may try to make me feel guilty about letting just the baby come to visit her. Is there anything I can do to fix things with my dad (besides leaving my husband)?

Write your dad a letter and tell him EXACTLY the way you feel. And I would get very detailed about the way you've felt at every incident where he has made it known that he disapproves. When you are finished telling him how hurt you are by HIS behavior, explain your stance. Again, be very detailed when you explain that you have a family now, and that they are your first priority as it should be. You love your step-son like he is your own and intend to raise both of your children as if they are both yours. When you are finished stating your position tell him that the ball is in his court now. You have tried everything you know to get past this, and if he wants to be part of your family he is welcome, but not at the expense of your family now. Then just let it go. If your mother tries to make you feel guilty about your stance, then she is no better than your father. They cannot make you feel guilty about their selfish, reprehensible behavior unless you let them.

You are doing the right thing here, children deserve all the love they can get and if a few self-centered and backward adults can't bend their minds around that, shame on them.

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ritehere

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November 16, 2005, 5:18 pm PST

Conditional love.

Quote From: lisadh

Hello! I'll try to make this brief. I am the middle child and only daughter. My brothers and I, with our families (three grandchildren) live very close to my mother and her husband (he has no children of his own). They are business owners which dictates alot of their time, however I am fairly atuned to the vibes I am getting. I recently began trying to get more envolved with my mother through her business and would love us to bond and someday maybe own the small business. The rebonding with my mother is the most important of the two. I explained my interest in the business and how I could volunteer my time, but not full-time since there is not pay involved and I work 40-45 hrs week in my career (nursing) and I have a child to raise. She seemed interested, we talked made long term plans, then I made a mistake and got to close. We went to lunch and I let my enthusiam for the business shine too much and my comments about my career be alittle negative. Now when I call once a week (prior to me seeking a reconnection with my mother phone calls were every couple a weeks, a month if I initiated the call), she is cold, avoidant and distance. Over the course of 15 years living this close to her we have gone as mother and daughter shopping once that I remember and has lunch a few times. Any other times we are together are holidays and birthdays.

Ok.. alittle more history-my mother married my step-father when I was 15, with in a span of 3 years I was married and moved out, my younger brother was sent to private school out of state and my older brother moved out. All three of us have had no monetary or emotional support in over 15 years. I am still married to my husband (he and I both have college degrees, careers, and adore our child) My older brother (1st married, owns two businesses, great kids) My younger brother is messed up with diagnosed mental problems but adores his mother and longs to spend time with her.

Her latest comment that I am having a hard time overcoming and need help with is "you love your children but you don't have to like them"

Here's my thoughts she loves us but avoids us like we have a communicable disease, my older brother has taken the hints and has stated he will not try to communicate or maintain the relationship. I think I need to do the same for my self preservation. I have had many disappointments in my life and can't keep up with her conditional love.

Comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I'm so sorry for you that your mother seems not to want to be involved with you or your brothers. With a comment like "you love your children but you don't have to like them" between you, I hope she never needs help and has to ask for it.

I would be honest with her. I'd say something like I'm sorry you don't like the idea of working together. I rather liked getting the chance to know you better, but if that's not in the cards, good luck. See what she says. Just remember, you don't have to be like her even if she is your mother. You can be whatever you choose to be with your kids. Personally, I feel sorry for your mother, life can get awfully lonely if you burn too many bridges.

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papaham

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November 17, 2005, 7:06 am PST

Failing Marriage

I am kinda of new at this. I usually am giving computer advice, not asking for marriage/family advice but I need help. My wife and I have been together for about 7 years. We are both young, she's 25 and I'm 29. 3 years ago we lost our daughter and a year later our son was born. Around 6 weeks ago she told me that she loved me but not romantically and that we should separate while she figures out what she wants. From there things have gone downhill. We are still living together but I am in the spare bedroom. And for the first time since this started I broke down and check the calls coming in on her cell phone since she is not taking calls on the house line anymore. I was told that if I can turn around 180 degrees from where I am right now that she would consider taking me back. I do know that I have issues expressing myself and at times it shows up to her as anger. I have also lost my self respect and self worth since when our daughter died, I left school to support us. She has told me that she is not happy and that is why she has changed college programs 3 times and that she doesn't feel I love her. I love her so much that I cannot function well at school and since she will not talk to me home doesn't feel like home. I have never stop from doing anything from trips to the Dominican Republic to going to work or school to partying with her friends at the bar. I have started seeing a marriage councillor on my own but she thinks that she can find happiness in another man's arms and I was happy when I knew that I was looking after my family. Now I don't have a family other then my son and I am no good to him as I am right now. Any advice other then go to a lawyer would be nice. All my friends are telling me to go to court and finish destroying what is left of my marriage and relationship. Something that none of us need.

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ritehere

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November 17, 2005, 1:27 pm PST

I'm so sorry for your loss...

Quote From: papaham

I am kinda of new at this. I usually am giving computer advice, not asking for marriage/family advice but I need help. My wife and I have been together for about 7 years. We are both young, she's 25 and I'm 29. 3 years ago we lost our daughter and a year later our son was born. Around 6 weeks ago she told me that she loved me but not romantically and that we should separate while she figures out what she wants. From there things have gone downhill. We are still living together but I am in the spare bedroom. And for the first time since this started I broke down and check the calls coming in on her cell phone since she is not taking calls on the house line anymore. I was told that if I can turn around 180 degrees from where I am right now that she would consider taking me back. I do know that I have issues expressing myself and at times it shows up to her as anger. I have also lost my self respect and self worth since when our daughter died, I left school to support us. She has told me that she is not happy and that is why she has changed college programs 3 times and that she doesn't feel I love her. I love her so much that I cannot function well at school and since she will not talk to me home doesn't feel like home. I have never stop from doing anything from trips to the Dominican Republic to going to work or school to partying with her friends at the bar. I have started seeing a marriage councillor on my own but she thinks that she can find happiness in another man's arms and I was happy when I knew that I was looking after my family. Now I don't have a family other then my son and I am no good to him as I am right now. Any advice other then go to a lawyer would be nice. All my friends are telling me to go to court and finish destroying what is left of my marriage and relationship. Something that none of us need.

We're not supposed to outlive our children, and this kind of a loss can take a very long time to heal. Did you and your wife get any grief counseling at the time? Your wife may be still suffering from that, and you too. I would try to get her to take some personal counseling, and yourself as well. It's possible that your son is "paying" for emotions that he doesn't deserve since you two had him only a year after you lost your daughter. Grief can do awful things to us, especially if we don't let them run their natural course.

You might want to try posting on the grief board too, someone there might have better advice than I do. Best wishes to you and your family.

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papaham

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November 17, 2005, 3:41 pm PST

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

We're not supposed to outlive our children, and this kind of a loss can take a very long time to heal. Did you and your wife get any grief counseling at the time? Your wife may be still suffering from that, and you too. I would try to get her to take some personal counseling, and yourself as well. It's possible that your son is "paying" for emotions that he doesn't deserve since you two had him only a year after you lost your daughter. Grief can do awful things to us, especially if we don't let them run their natural course.

You might want to try posting on the grief board too, someone there might have better advice than I do. Best wishes to you and your family.

She did a little but I never since I was trying to be strong for her. I took back into roleplaying, something that I did in high school but thought I grew out of. I did talk to a professor of mine about it though. He is still helping me from time to time even now that I am out of college. My wife ended up using the internet and being part of a support group online. I have met a couple of these people and made a great bond with them but have always sent my messages through my wife. Now all I get is silence. I know my son can not replace my daughter and I don't expect him too. But as for my marriage, he is suffering over some unresolved issues and lack of communication that has developed. I am willing to try but she keeps saying that I either change or get out. I am changing but I don't feel fast enough or in the right direction. And I am afraid that I will either be too late or become my father who means well but is not a nice guy.

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late4u61

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November 17, 2005, 4:48 pm PST

Need Advice about My Daugther

Hello I'm writing to see if I can get some out side advice I have a big problem with my only Daughter and her boyfriend, His something I have not dealt with yet he doesn't not care how my Daughter and my 31/2 month granddaughter lives he has pits bulls that are not very friendly and he thinks that funny we all meaning my husband and my other two boys and there wife's have talk to them both about how dangers the dogs are with a baby in the house. The Male dog keeps attacking my Daughter and they beat the dog to try and get him to stop but that don't help either I have ask her and him many times to get rid of the dogs before she or the baby gets hurt. he the boyfriend thinks we are all stupid and he don't care what we say he going to do what ever he want to do. It won't bother so some if the baby was not involved into this, but she is I very very worried about her because they don't take care of her in the right way anyway other two Daughter-in-laws have gone over there and told her My Daughter if she don't start taking care of the baby in the right way they we are going to have he taking away from you both, He threaten to do something to the other girls my daughter-in_laws that was acting on my behalf because they didn't want me to be able to see my granddaughter so I would late least keep a eye on her. they live like pigs my Daughter was not raised that way at all. I don't understand why she has fallen so far down and don't care about nothing any more and the more I try to talk to her the more problems that we have I'm thinking about taking the baby away so she can get the help she needs to find her self again but I don't know because I don't think taking the baby way will help I just don't know what to do any more now that my Daughters-in Law have acted on my behalf with my daughter they are not allowed to go in the house any more because they told my daughter that they was going to take her baby away if she didn't change things she cleaned up the house Little bit at least there's no more dog poop all over the floor to where you can't walk any where and the baby is getting bath more but she still isn't get her dressed, or playing with her the baby can't even roll over she can't get on the floor and play because of the dogs. and they won't do anything about the dogs because he thinks the dogs are cool and he likes the thought of us benign cared of the dogs because they will bite us or attack us then they are told to. I want to help my daughter out but I don't know what to do any more i have tried everything I can think of besides the law coming in and taking the baby away and if that happens I have to get custody of the baby sense its my granddaughter. Please can any body give me some advice on what to do Please Help me I'm at my wits end with this one. Thank you.

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papaham

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November 18, 2005, 10:58 am PST

Boy some wake up call

Well today I went to councilling to deal with my failing marriage and got a good look at some of my actions. I have been unintentionally emotionally abusing my wife. I guess I was too busy trying not to become my father that I have become him anyways. I try to make my presence bigger in a fight and I embaress her without meaning to. I just hope that I can make some real big changes over the next month to win her heart back. I am not perfect by far but between this and the lost of our daughter I have started to become what I feared most.

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WereRabbit

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November 18, 2005, 5:51 pm PST

I hate to Say it!!!

Quote From: late4u61

Hello I'm writing to see if I can get some out side advice I have a big problem with my only Daughter and her boyfriend, His something I have not dealt with yet he doesn't not care how my Daughter and my 31/2 month granddaughter lives he has pits bulls that are not very friendly and he thinks that funny we all meaning my husband and my other two boys and there wife's have talk to them both about how dangers the dogs are with a baby in the house. The Male dog keeps attacking my Daughter and they beat the dog to try and get him to stop but that don't help either I have ask her and him many times to get rid of the dogs before she or the baby gets hurt. he the boyfriend thinks we are all stupid and he don't care what we say he going to do what ever he want to do. It won't bother so some if the baby was not involved into this, but she is I very very worried about her because they don't take care of her in the right way anyway other two Daughter-in-laws have gone over there and told her My Daughter if she don't start taking care of the baby in the right way they we are going to have he taking away from you both, He threaten to do something to the other girls my daughter-in_laws that was acting on my behalf because they didn't want me to be able to see my granddaughter so I would late least keep a eye on her. they live like pigs my Daughter was not raised that way at all. I don't understand why she has fallen so far down and don't care about nothing any more and the more I try to talk to her the more problems that we have I'm thinking about taking the baby away so she can get the help she needs to find her self again but I don't know because I don't think taking the baby way will help I just don't know what to do any more now that my Daughters-in Law have acted on my behalf with my daughter they are not allowed to go in the house any more because they told my daughter that they was going to take her baby away if she didn't change things she cleaned up the house Little bit at least there's no more dog poop all over the floor to where you can't walk any where and the baby is getting bath more but she still isn't get her dressed, or playing with her the baby can't even roll over she can't get on the floor and play because of the dogs. and they won't do anything about the dogs because he thinks the dogs are cool and he likes the thought of us benign cared of the dogs because they will bite us or attack us then they are told to. I want to help my daughter out but I don't know what to do any more i have tried everything I can think of besides the law coming in and taking the baby away and if that happens I have to get custody of the baby sense its my granddaughter. Please can any body give me some advice on what to do Please Help me I'm at my wits end with this one. Thank you.

I would call Children's Serivces and have them visit the house......Pit Bulls in alot of cities now, are against the law to have within city limits, and I bet you he does not have licenses for those dogs........Hitting any dog, and especially a pit bull, is deadly..........the dog has learned to fear people......and can become a threat when the dog gets scared/////////What is the boyfriend doing with these dogs??? Are they being taught to fight???? I would call your local Animal Shelter in the area and find out if Pit Bulls are legal there!!!! I totally agree with you and under the conditions, since the parents don't have their daughters best interests at heart, then grandma can.........If something should happen to that baby, I know I would never forgive myself, if I was in your position...I hope I helped and Good Luck

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snitonson

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November 19, 2005, 3:40 pm PST

Repairing relationship with teen son

My relationship with my 15 year old son, which was never great is now very tense and stressed. This turn for the worse occurred when I got angry with my son for throwing some boxes on the floor and called the police to my home for a domestic disturbance.It was the first time I ever called the police and in retrospect I never should have called because I was already angry with myself for some personal issues I was dealing with.

In summary ,this police visit ended up with implications that have caused my wife and I to deal with a rude, angry, rebellious son. This occurred because the police when talking to my son asked about a comment I had made previously that he had been arrested for smoking pot. They asked if they could search his room for drugs. My son pleaded with me to not let police to search. Not thinking of all implications I agreed to search his room. They found pot and to my surprise 2 methodone pills ( a controlled substance).My son was arrested and taken to police station.

This arrest led to charges being filed against my son in Juvenile court and this mess will end up with him having to take periodic drug tests and meeting with probation officier. My son is extremely angry with me and calls me a snitch because I allowed police search. Since this incident he is extremely rude, discourteous and verbally abusive to me . I have apoligized to him for calling the police in first place, but he says I betrayed him and that I am a snitch. This happened 4 months ago and he vows not change his behavior until his probation is over. He never has taken any responsibility for having the drugs.

Any comments/suggestions on how to make situation better. My wife and I are very stressed out as well as being concerned about son's drug use.

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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I understand your distress!

Correspondance

Conditional love.

Failing Marriage

I'm so sorry for your loss...

Thank you

Need Advice about My Daugther

Boy some wake up call

I hate to Say it!!!

Repairing relationship with teen son