Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Hello, Here's my story, My fiancee ( 21) and I (24) recently just split up on Sunday. I came home from work and found a note on the couch and her engagement ring. She had some of her things moved out and most of our sons belongings whom is only 15 months old.  I tried to talk to her about hope for us and our family again but she says she doesn't want to talk about it unless it involves our son, which is confusing to me because if we talk about us getting back together that would be involving our son, right? The thing is I want for her to know that I'm not just telling her nice things to get her back in my life I honestly feel like this is bad for our son and I honestly realize my mistakes, just hope it isn't too late for us. In my opinion our problems started worsening whrn she took a promotion to a store manager and she was away longer, the hours were different and it was an hour's drive each way. I'm hoping that the stress from the new job plus dealing with my nonsense and a young child was just to much at one time. I'll admit it I could have been a nicer man if I didn't let jealousy get the best of me. By that I mean like when she'd come home from work usually around 9 or 9:30 at night she'd call her mom or her friends and talk about her day to them and I felt like I just didn't matter so I would say nasty comments to her, and I know I was wrong by doing that I just mistakenly thought that would work in the fact that she would talk to me instead. I just felt so left out, like I wasn't needed anymore you know.  I didn't know how else to go about her talking to me so I became defensive.  I can honestly say that I realize the areas of concern for me to make a relationship work but is it too late? I'm willing to go to counseling and get professional help for my attitude because I just really want my family to be together again, even though it was only a small family of three it was a family and I planned on keeping it together. I'm honestly not dealing well with the situation though, I haven't really eaten any solds in 3 days, just juice and vitamins which isn't good but I have no appetite at all. She told me she had to do what was good for our son but I can't see this being good for him at all. We never really fought in front of him, I never cheated on her, or never hit her, I was just very rude from my standpoint, I'm sure her's is different. If anyone has any advice at all please post it or send me an email at shapansky99@yahoo.com , I'm willing to do what it takes to make things right again, I don't know of any other 24 yr old guys watching Dr. Phil on a regular basis but I feel like he will have the answer to my problems. I really still love her and want for us to be together again, for us and for our son, I just don't know what else to do.  

  

Thanks for your time,  

  

Sincerely, 

  

Justin Shapansky and our son Kyler 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 I know exactly what you're talking about, he put you in a bad spot. But the thing is, if you show weakness, or a tendency to let it slide because you are at a disadvantage, he will use that hesitation. He may not do it concsiously, but it will be filed away somewhere in his brain that he "got away with it" once.  I know it seems a cold way to view it, but once a man starts down this path, it takes a VERY strong wake up call from a very strong willed woman to bring him around. Men understand strength and heirarchy much better than they understand leniency and forgiveness. If you want your husband to come back, you have to play hardball. And be willing to show him that you will dump his sorry carcass if he doesn't want to be married on the terms that you married him for. Haul your kids back home 1000 miles if that's what it takes. He will have to explain to everyone what happened. Put him on the hotseat, he's the one who started this, not you.

 

Hello, Here's my story, My fiancee ( 21) and I (24) recently just split up on Sunday. I came home from work and found a note on the couch and her engagement ring. She had some of her things moved out and most of our sons belongings whom is only 15 months old.  I tried to talk to her about hope for us and our family again but she says she doesn't want to talk about it unless it involves our son, which is confusing to me because if we talk about us getting back together that would be involving our son, right? The thing is I want for her to know that I'm not just telling her nice things to get her back in my life I honestly feel like this is bad for our son and I honestly realize my mistakes, just hope it isn't too late for us. In my opinion our problems started worsening whrn she took a promotion to a store manager and she was away longer, the hours were different and it was an hour's drive each way. I'm trying to convince myself  that the stress from the new job plus dealing with my nonsense and a young child was just to much at one time. I'll admit it I could have been a nicer man if I didn't let jealousy get the best of me. Like for example  when she'd come home from work usually around 9 or 9:30 at night she'd call her mom or her friends and talk about her day to them and I felt like I just didn't matter so I would say nasty comments to her, and I know I was wrong by doing that I just mistakenly thought that would work in the fact that she would talk to me instead.  I just felt so left out, like I wasn't needed anymore you know.  I didn't know how else to go about her talking to me so I became defensive.  I can honestly say that I realize the areas of concern for me to make a relationship work but is it too late? I'm willing to go to counseling and get professional help for my attitude because I just really want my family to be together again, even though it was only a small family of three it was a family and I planned on keeping it together. I'm honestly not dealing well with the situation though, I haven't really eaten any solids in 3 days, just juice and vitamins which isn't good but I have no appetite at all. She told me she had to do what was good for our son but I can't see this being good for him at all. We never really fought in front of him, I never cheated on her, or never hit her, I was just very rude from my standpoint, I'm sure her's is different. If anyone has any advice at all please post it or send me an email at shapansky99@yahoo.com , I'm willing to do what it takes to make things right again, I don't know of any other 24 yr old guys watching Dr. Phil on a regular basis but I feel like he will have the answer to my problems. I really still love her and want for us to be together again, for us and for our son, I just don't know what else to do.   

   

Thanks for your time,   

   

Sincerely,  

   

Justin Shapansky and our son Kyler  

We are reading the book together after Dr. Phils show the other day on this very subject.  What we have decided for now is that he is moving out with his son.. but just a few blocks away.  I think that separation from the stresses will help everyone involved.  I think it really hit home when Dr. Phil said that a step parent going in with the attitude that they are going to rule over the step kids WON'T work, hit us both!  We love each other soooo much it's crazy.  The only solution that we could come up with is that we will all just live apart but still be together.  The two older boys (one his, one mine) just refuse to participate in this family.  Many would view it as that "they" have won by having my man and I live apart, however, I view it as a win win.  We will not have the tension in our households daily and we will also have the freedom to love our kids more because we are not stressed out!  The way it was going, I only could see that I was being caught in the middle and if it continued.. I would not only lose my relationship with my man,,, but would also lose the relationship I have with my son.   If you have any other suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.... you or anyone else for that matter.  I realized after watching the show.... that we are sooooooooooo not alone in this issue.  Oddly enough, that was refreshing. 

  

First let me say, that it's refreshing to see a 24 year old guy watching Dr. Phil.  In my opinion, for what it's worth, I think that she needs time.  Don't  rush back into a situation that hasn't been resolved.  I know all too well how difficult it is to try to resolve something when the other party doesn't want any part of it.  I have also been the other party.  Do what is right for you!  Take care of you!  Be all that YOU can be for YOURSELF.  If you aren't loving yourself, you can't have the strength to truely love someone else (including your son).  I've learned this from many many challenges in my life.  The more I have stepped back and taken care of ME, the more I was able to see things in a different light and see my part in the problems.  I'm sure you feel empty and alone and defeated, just know that YOU matter!  Often times when you work on yourself, your partner will notice the change and see things in themselves that need work on without you saying a word.   

I go to councelling for many issues that I have had and still have with relationships.  I come away with a better understanding of what makes me tick and how to move forward.  I can only suggest that you try to not change for someone else, but instead change for yourself.  One thing I've learned in relationships is that it's not 50/50... it's 100/100.  There are too many times that your partner can not be at their best and when you only are committed to be 50%... the relationship has an emotional debt that is hard to recover from.  I have in the past wanted my partner to be better, and from what I can tell, your fiance wants you to be better.  The lesson I have learned is not to have the better partner.. it's to be the better partner.   

Your love for your son is a bond that will hold through ages.  There is nothing stronger in my opinion as the love for your child, however, don't use that as a bargaining tool.  Yes, everone wants the perfect family, the white picket fence.. yadda yadda... it just doesn't happen.  If relationships were easy... why is there divorce?  I hope that some of what I have said helps.  I'm just speaking from experience... and ohhhh the experience I've had!!!  lol.... I am going through major challenges in my own relationship right now and feel like no matter how hard I try to make things right, I still get knocked down.   Be there for your son but be there for YOURSELF.  And for God sake... start eating!  Physically you need strength to get through your emotional hard time. 

  

Wow you must have been through some stuff yourself, you have alot of good advice.  I really appreciate it.  I know what your saying about the wake up call, once they know they can get away with it, it just seems to continue.  I am not really that strong willed women, getting there but not there as of yet.  I am trying very hard to play hardball, something I have never done.  Never thought I would have too.  Oh he is on the hotseat already.  Ya he started this, you are absolutely right and only he can repair it, thats if he wants too.  Anyway just wanted to say thank you for your insight I really do appreciate it.  Have a good day. 

  

Sincerely, 

Your northern Friend 

For about 3 months now my kids have been mad at me and my husband. Me and my husband went to visit and was staying in a motel for their convenience. Our grandson had a crying spell outside at the neighbor's house. The lady came running to tell my Daughter about his condition. He scared her to death crying so . She had never seen a child cry like this. So, to cut the story short, my husband made the comment in front of a friend that"parents sometimes have to get on the same page while raiseing your kids" My son-in-law got upset and we left for a while we left thinking things  would get better. But it did not!!! When we came back my daufghter was very upset and blamed my husband for saying that and he tried to talk to her and she kicked us out of her house. Then  later she got mad at me for saying things about the situation and told me not to return and I could not see my grandsons ever again. I have tried to contact her and she stays mad. We can not settle this problem. What do I do? Nothing?

I have recently left my fiance' after 5 years together. I am very confused and depressed over this. My future husband hates my 20 year old son. This is also why we never married. We have been engaged for over 2 years. I refused to marry him until this was resolved, which obviously never happened! I love my fiance' very much but I love my childern more. I also have a 14 year old son. He has 2 boys that lived with us. They are about the same age as my sons. I got along great with his kids. My fiance' was very mean to my oldest son. He would call him names and he always complained about my son. He acted like he was jealous of my relationship with my son. My son never talked back and he was always very nice to my fiance'. My fiance' got along better with my youngest son but I'm afraid he would eventually treat him the same way. It was horrible to hear my fiance' call my son names and I have left before because of this. I always came back because he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. He did get better at calling him names but he always had something bad to say about my son. He said I was sick because I always hug my children. He said at a certain age people stop showing affection like that. I disagree. I came from a family that always showed affection. His family never shows affection. They never hug each other and I think it's sad. Of course he is raising his own children the same way. I think it was refreshing for his children because I would show them affection. We went to a counselor and the counselor agreed with me so my finace' didn't want to go back. I left my fiance' because of all this. I am living with my sister and I have very little furniture because we gave it to charities when I moved in with him. I am 40 years old and I've decided to go back to college and finish my education. I quit college because he was so jealous of people I met at school. He was even jealous of my doctor! I didn't go to the doctor unless I had to because it always caused a fight. So it wasn't just my son he was jealous over. I never cheated on him so this behavior was not appropriate. Has anyone gone through this type of relationship? Did I do the right thing? My children are happy and they know how much I love them. My oldest son lives on his own but my youngest lives with me. My youngest is worried I will go back again. I feel really quilty because I have gone back before. I hate to see my youngest son worry about this. I keep reassuring him that we are not going anywhere. Although, I am looking for my own place. I hate starting over again at age 40 but it's refreashing not having all that stress in my life. I would love to hear other stories like mine and the outcomes of those relationships.

You might be feeling quilty but you'll may have your son around for alot longer. Did you know about your son's drug problem? You may have saved his life. Maybe you can get him the help he needs now. I'm guessing he's acted the way he has because of the drugs. You never know what other kinds of drugs he was taking. You, as a parent, need to take control of him now before it's too late. Start seaching his room yourself. Sometimes we can't be friends with our kids, we have to be someone they might not like. Your son will understand when he is older and has his own children. I know this from experience. You don't want to feel quilty because you've lost your son because of drugs.

thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hear what you are saying