Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Well this is so irronic, my daughter is 17 years old and was dating a 15 year old, well actually they have been dating since she was 14 and he was 12 years old, pretty crazy hey and this is coming from a Mom.  My best advise it be open and honest with your parents.  I knew my daughter was seeing a younger guy and I didnt exactly agree but I knew that she would figure things out on her own eventually.  I think its better to be honest then to keep secrets.  I think in the end they will be okay with it.  We as parents dont like to see someone who we think isnt good enough but have to trust that we have raised our children well enough to figure things out on there own.  My daughter was with her boyfriend for almost two years and he just recently broke it off with her after almost  two years together, she is heart broken and I think she is better off with out him but I am here for her when she needs me, we talk about it. I hope and pray that things work out for you but like I said I think you should talk to your parents and tell them how you feel.  Let them know exactly what you said in this letter, tell them that you want to have a open and honest relationship with them and tell them how you feel about your friend, I think it will be okay if you are honest, lying only causes trouble and unecessary pain. 

From another Mom 

Ya know there is something to be said for repairing broken relationships.  Sometimes they just are beyond repair.  I too have a mother who cannot accept responsibility for her actions.  I was molested as a child by one of her many boyfriends for many years.  She will not take responisiblity for her part in it all.  For years this woman had control over me and my older brother.  When I became and adult I seen what she was doing and broke away from her.  It was hard but it needed to be done so that I wouldnt be relying on her and vice versa,  I too have ownership in all that happened except the molestation.  I let her have control of my life.  About two weeks ago I started talking to her via E-mail.  I have learned boundaries for my life.  I know that she will begin at some point crossing those boundaries and I will have to back away from her again.  I dont have a normal relationship with her.  But I had to learn where I could and couldnt allow her in.  My brother however will not speak to her over actions she took in his life.   

I DO NOT like the remarks that Dr Phil makes about how what if this person died ect because it makes the person pulling away feel bad.  What if that person really is a bad person and you decide to stay away.  I have forgiven.  But I am not stupid enough to jump in head first in a relationship I know is toxic.   

My family is pretty upscale.  I guess I'm considered the "misfit" because I'm 38 yrs old, divorced with 3 children, and only working part-time as a dental assistant /office assistant. 

Unfortunatly I dated a "loser" about 2-1/2 yrs ago who got me pregnant then assaulted me so I had him arrested.  My mother wanted me to give my now 1-1/2 yr old daughter up for adoption, but I refused.  My baby is now the light of my life.  Anyhow, last year my mother also helped my 9 yr old son's father gain full custody of my son.  She fabricated a bunch of lies on her statement such as "she hangs out with criminals", "kids clothes are dirty", and such.  These were all straight out lies!  Well, I couldnt afford another long court battle so I finally gave up and let my son live with his dad. 

I hated my mom for doing this.  She painted a picture of me living like "trailer-trash" to my whole family.  The only time I really saw them was on holidays.  Everyone sent me and my children holiday cards thoughout the year, and they pretend like nothing ever happened.  I never told them my side of the story, I never stick up for myself because the dont listen to a word I say.  So I just ignore them.  Last Thanksgiving I took my son skiing instead of celebrating with my parents and family.  I just couldn't forgive or forget what my mom did.  

Well, here's the delema... 

My mom asked what sizes the kids wear and said Christmas this year will be at Uncle Pat & Aunt Vickys.  She expects me  and my kids to be there. 

Most of my family is the "fakey-rehearsed" type.  You almost think they're trying out for an Oscar award just to greet someone.  I really dont want to go, but my 14 yr old son wants to celebrate there since it's the only family we really know.  I dont really have much of a relationship with my dad's side of the family because my dad was hospitalized for being crazy when I was growing up.  My mother is a perfectionist and very judgemental.  I just want to be left alone but my 9-yr old wants a Christmas.  He said he only wants to go if I go too.  My 14 yr old son and my baby have no other family.  They dont see their dads.   

What do I do?  Can this be fixed?  I feel to hurt to pretend nothing ever happened, yet I want good Christmas memories for my children.   

Miss Represented 

Same thing happened to me.  My son's dad tried almost every year for 9 years to gain full custody.  His wife couldnt get pregnant and our son is adorable so they called CPS all the time with false allegations, then CPS made several investigations, it was almost a annual holiday.  Ok, trying not to be funny, but they photocopied "Called CPS" several times on there court statments which didnt have anything behind it, but looked bad for me since there were so many of them. 

You're not alone, and Child Protective Services knows this.  Just let them know what's going on. 

I feel like I should get ivolved, simply because I'm the grownup here... and I love them both so much.  

Dad and Brother have had troubles for a long time, ever since my parents got divorced and we (kids & Mom) moved to a far off state. Dad was never good at keeping in contact or sending regular child support, creating real tension between us and him. I'm considerably older than my bro, and moved back to Dad's state at 18 yrs old. Since then (I'm 35 now), we have hashed out lots of that old stuff and grown to be pretty good friends as adults. My brother moved back to our state when he turned 18, as well. Although we don't live very close to Dad, we have been in the same state since then...  

But, Dad is still terrible at staying in touch... rarely visits (more like never) or calls, still misses birthdays and holidays, no calls or gifts. And, although it still bugs me, I've just grown to accept it. That's just Dad, he has faults but I love him. I would rather have a relationship with him even though he's lame... I'm just not angry like I used to be. So, Dad and I are now in regular contact mostly via email and the web. 

Not so for my brother. I didn't realize this until recently... but they apparently haven't been in contact for over a year. Rediculous. I know it's just because our Dad hasn't tried very hard... and once some time has passed he is a big baby about it, worried about getting in trouble. On the other side, I know my Brother thinks it's all Dad's fault and responsibility as the lame-o parent. Really, I see it as a two way street at this point... we are all adults now. 

The real problem here is that my brother is getting married in May and I heard from our Mom that he might not invite Dad at all. This is huge. We don't have a dramatic family at all, it's not a soap opera or anything... this is a big deal, to not invite a core family member to a wedding. And I'm really worried about it. 

What's odd is that when they DO talk, they get along great... their personalities are so similar it's eerie. So, it's not like dad would show up and there would be a big fight. Most likely it would be a fun time for all. But, my fear is either 1) Dad won't get invited  or 2) he gets invited and doesn't show up due to some 'unavoidable' reason (like everything else). Either way, there will be serious long-term damage to this relationship. 

My question is... what should I do? I really want to get into this before the wedding. And while it would be easy to stay out of it, I just can't watch them both sever an already ailing relationship. I have thought of sending one email to both of them... or maybe seperate ones. I'm not sure what to say... and what if they ignore me? What if I just upset them more?  

 I'm having a hard time here... please help! 

are you kidding me dr. phil???????????? 

reach out????? i did and like millions you are left as you said ISOLATED!!! 

i am now on an 80 acre farm ALONE....... because I reached out!! 

i sought lawyers, priests, doctors, specialists, psychiatrists... NADA!!!!!! 

you seem the only one with a brain!!!!!!! 

you are right about time and healing!!!! 

what my husband caused me to suffer is not healing 

i heard many scenarios of what I lived on your show!! 

- he never talked to me when i was pregnant
- he forced me to wait on him when i was pregnant and tired(i have a handicap porone to fatigue) .. he never even came with me to the doctor's office when Iaccidentally spilled a pot of boiling water on my 9th month big abdomen
- he suggested i abort 2 out of my 3 children
- he raced the car when i was getting out and i fell to the ground
- he locked me out of the house at 20 below zero F* 

that's just the beginning!!
- one of my 3 kids was born with my handicap
- he told her to use a scooter was making her look like a handicapped...... i got it for her so she could be careful due to bad posture stop the progression of a scoliosis 

- for my oldest, he threw a wrench at his head missing it by an inch... 

- for my other son, he got him to go live with him and when i met up with this son later, my ex had had him live in abasment and had not even bought him a pair of shoes....... 

i have sought help..... and decided i am best alone...... but i love life.. was a pilote teacher for a children's treatment center, became an ethnologist with a world class folklorist (a french canadian brother Grimm)... i did so many good things..... but i was made scapegoat... my pain was too grreat and i lost listening ears...... 

I AM GOING CRAZY DR. PHIL without my kids!!!! both my parents came from families of 13 kids...... i had 3 despite doctor's warnings..... and when they went to live with him he had me banned from even getting reports about them...... 

i guess my psyche s still grasping for a drop of that milk of human kindness.... 

i know you get so much mail.......... oh well......... i gave it another try thinking you might miraculously restore communication with my kids........ why else was i even created!!! 

i have twin boy grand-children.......... i am not allowed to see them... somehow my husband spread the word i was a schizoid or something.... lol i never heard voice etc. ...... montrous lie to take control!!
dr phil........ why do monsters get to be so powerful!!! 

I NEED YOU TO HELP SOOOOO BAD!!!!!, MY KIDS AND G-KIDS DESERVBE TO HAVE A LOVING FANTASTIC PERSON LIKE ME....... STEP ASIDE MONSTER!!!!!!! 

I'm hoping someone can give me advice. I'm 28 and have never met my bio-father. When my mom was pregnant with me, she and my father broke up. They weren't married and had my brother. A parternity test was taken for my brother and father. Turns out my brother wasn't his. My mom may have been pregnant when they got together, but she has also proven herself to be a cheater...so I don't know what happened there. But that's not my business really.  

Anyways, because of that test, my father does not believe I'm his and no paternity test was taken with/for me. I didn't find any of the previous info out until I was 15 and kept my knowledge of it from my mom until I was 20. My mom raised my brother and I to think we had the same father. My brother's has his last name (I don't) and his middle name is my father's first name. Needless to say I was devasted to discover all this at 15.  

I've tried contacting my father via his mother twice. Once when I was 15, when I found out about all this, and again when I was 23. His mother was not nice. Not that I blame her really. I can only imagine how I would react if I was in her shoes. But part of me feels like I should be given the opprotunity for a paternity test. I don't want anything from him except enough DNA to take the test and family medical history from that side. I don't want money. I don't even want a relationship with him. There is nothing that could return to me what I've lost in my life....growing up with a father. 

I harbor alot of resentment towards my mom. She lied to me growing up about this and about other things regarding my father. She always told me that he was a monster who beat her. Once so bad while she was pregnant with me that she almost lost me. I have since had those claims nullified by a long time family friend, who also was friend's with my father. (By the way, the family friend has NO doubts that I'm my fathers' child.) I've confronted my mom with all that I've found out from this friend and she has admitted to lying about it....but not all of it. My problem is that I can't seem to "get over" this. I still want the partenity test. I want to forgive...I mean truly forgive my mom. I'm pretty sure I'll never get the test. But I would like to "hear" advice anyone has about how to truly forgive my mom, or at least start the process of forgiving.