Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I don't think you sounded condescending, but were just stating a fact.  It is true that I was (and am) wallowing in self-pity over this, and I needed to hear it from someone else.  I do feel hurt over this whole situation, but wonder if self-pity is ever justified, and how can you get over it? 

  

Regarding counseling, we live too far apart to go to counseling together.   

  

Both my son and daughter never gave me any major problems at all when they were growing up.  They are wonderful people who are both contributing members of society.  But today I have no family to speak of and  I'm getting a complex over it, wondering why, as I've always tried to treat people the way I would want to be treated.  They're both married, and I never poked my nose in their business as Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond would do. 

  

The trouble seemed to begin over 4 yrs. ago, when my siblings did some rotten things to me and my elderly mother.  They took over her estate after I had been the sole caregiver for 9 yrs.   They didn't even wait for her to die to greedily grab what they wanted and to seize her house & possessions.  When I went away for a much-needed rest, which I never got, they took my mother to a shyster lawyer where they forced her to sign papers that gave my sister the power of attorney, and proceeded to lock me out of the house.  (My own house was 3 states away.)  They put mother in a nursing home, took what they wanted, sold her house, and robbed me of my inheritance and slandered me to justify their actions.      

  

So...I'm estranged from my 3 siblings, their children, my relatives that believed the lies my siblings spread about me.  I am on disability and will never be able to work again due to the results of the stress they caused.  They cost me my reputation, my career, my inheritance, my health and the relationships I had for a lifetime.  What's more, they have shown no remorse at all for their actions and have done nothing to make things right..  

  

Though my daughter agrees that what they did was terrible and nasty, she still keeps in touch with them.  She says she doesn't feel she is being disloyal to me, because she never mentions my name when she writes to them.    She says (& falsely presumes) I'm choosing to remain bitter, but says she has chosen to forgive them.  In my heart I have forgiven them, but  to act as if nothing happened, not holding them accountable, is wrong.      Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.  They are people who are greedy and who have mistreated me all of my life.  I 

  

On top of everything else, the nightmare continued.  My DIL, who has always been very insecure due to being overweight,  began to act paranoid, and today has withdrawn from ALL of her friends, church family, and her siblings, and even moved to another state to get away from everybody.  She had seen a psychologist who advised her to cut off ties with anyone who gives her grief.  We had always gotten along, so her actions puzzle me to this day.  My son, wanting to support her in whatever she does, hasn't talked to me in over two years, as well.  I told him that I would never do anything to come between him and his wife, so I just wait and pray that the situation will eventually improve.   

  

I never in a million years would have thought my children and I would be alienated, as we'd always been close up until the time my siblings did their dirty deeds.    It was like a door was opened to divide us all.    

  

Thanks for the reply. I have heard alot of stories just like mine and I can't believe people can be so mean. I'm happy to hear you have moved on and I wish you the best. It's so sad that people have to go through so much pain in relationships, it makes us stronger though. I'm getting better every day. Thanks again!!

i am really torn.  my husband and i were divorced November 16 -- i still don't know why.  he just turned 40 on the 10th of december.  he said when we first talked about it that i didn't make him feel important .  i feel it was his last job -- he was always talking about how bad it was and  how stressful and that no matter what he did it was wrong and he never got appreciated.  i think that he fact that he worked for two millionaires and was never shown any appreciation.  he made the comment once that he was just a paycheck to the family.  i tried the best i could making him feel important but still he went for the divorce.  no separation just the divorce.  i am lost -- he wants us to remain friends and i am so frustrated.  i still love him and would do anything to get us back together.  is it normal to feel this lost and hurt?  i try not to be up set around our two boys.  they just get worried about me.  he was always a good husband and a great father and i never thought the divorce would be finalized.  i feel like i have had a death in the family.    any advice?? 

It is very normal to feel the way you are feeling after what you've gone through.  I feel so badly for you, because I know from personal experience how you must be feeling.    My ex wanted us to be friends, too, after our divorce, but it wasn't going to work as long as he had his girlfriend, too.     

  

Is there someone else in your husband's life?  To leave and ask for a divorce, instead of a separation makes it sound like he has someone else, and I know that has to hurt.  My ex-husband went for a younger someone who still had braces on her teeth.   Perhaps your (ex)husband's going "middle-aged crazy."  In any case, I know you're going to make it if you just hang in there.  My life right now is so much better than when I was with my ex.   It was extremely rough right after the divorce, but eventually things leveled out and the hurt became nothing more than a dull ache.  You will survive, and you will make it!!!  Keep a positive attitude, take care of those two precious children of yours, never speak ill of their father, and don't ever use them to get back at their dad.   

  

God bless and keep you, and grant you peace in the midst of your storm. 

On August first, 2001, it felt like my world, as I knew it, had ended. My mother died that evening around six o'clock. My life was her. i did everything with her. We spent most of our time talking on the phone, all day. I was scared to death to have children, but my mom convinced me that she would help me every step of the way. So through her, my husband and I had 2 boys. My husband at the time, worked alot of hours, on the night shift. I often relied on my mom for company, mental support, and general help with raising my children. It was like we were a team, raising my boys together! I loved it and so did she. 

Then the dreaded day came, when ovarion cancer ended her life. What was I going to do without my best friend? How would I raise my boys without her? I was terrified! For the next few weeks, after her funeral, I had alot of time to think and reflect on everything. I had seen Dr. Phil on Oprah and remembered him saying that you need to fix yourself before you can be there for anyone else. So that was what I had started to do. At first, it was alot of reflecting into my past, being bullied as a child by teachers and students. Then in my late teens, it were a couple of employers. Around the time that we moved into our new home, I bought the book, "Self Matters". I read it cover to cover, and followed through on it. I was able to finally let my past go of all the hurt and anger. I could feel my "inner-self" coming to life.  

Then it was time to work on my marriage, that had been weak from the start. Feeling the power from my "inner-self", gave me the strength and courage that I needed to step up to the plate and notify my husband that we would either have to work on our marriage together, or end it. I was shocked! I thought he would have walked out that door for sure! But instead, he pleaded with me to do counseling with him. And you know something?.. The inner-self is amazing! I never knew that I could get what I wanted if I just believed in myself first! Anyway, my husband and I went through counseling for a little over a year when our counselor graduated us! We have been out of counseling now for a year and a half, and we are doing beautifully. I fell in love with my husband in a way that I had never felt before. My life was really turning around for me, and it was all because of me. I was being my own hero! I can sit here and honestly tell you that I lov myself and am proud of who I've become. 

Now had all that said, I still have one more opsticle to get around in order to be the kind of wife, mother, and self that I want to be in my life. My father. he has criticised me all my life for this or that. then after my mom past away, it got worse. After I worked on me. I decided to confront my father about this issue of mental and psycological abuse. I even bought him the Dr. Phil "relationship Rescue" book for him to read. (My husband and I had read it for our counseling, and since it had worked so wonderful in our marriage, I thought maybe it would help for my father and I as well.) My father set the book on the couch and said to me that he didn't have time to read because he was busy trying to get himself a life now. He said that he'd done so much counseling with my mom, that he felt like he was now an "expert". I was so shocked! Here I had come over to his house, let my wall completely down, and for him just to hurt me again! I didn't let it bring my innerself down though, now I knew that he was the one with the problem, and that for me coming forward to try and do something about it made me a stronger person.  

Time went on, and the cycle continued, until about 2 weeks ago. My inner self decided that it had had enough of the abuse! My dad wanted me to go out to lunch with him. I told him that I had some chores to do firt, then I would call him when I was done. I also told him that it would be around 1:00pm. He calls me back at 12:30pm asking me if I was ready to eat yet. I told him that It would deffentley be at 1:00pm. Well, that wasn't good enough for him! Before we hung up, he had a few nasty comments to say to me, about how incaring I was of his needs and so fourth. that phome call was last week, and I still have not heard from him! I remember hearing Dr. Phil say that time is too preciuos to waste, and I know all about that having losing my mom already, but how do you fix a relationship, when the other person doesn't feel like their's anything wrong in the first place? He feels that I'm making all this up to get attention, or that I'm just taking things too personally. I'm so frustrated! But at the sametime, I'm not going to let him abuse me like that anymore! Iknow that I deserve better for me. I'm a wonderful person, daughter, wife, and (hopefully) good mother, to my boys. If he or anyone else can't see that in me, then that's their problem not mine. I'm not going to waste my time! I am hoping that there is a way to fix my relationship with my dad though. I don't want him to die with all this unfinshed business! 

So as you can see, tha't why I'm feeling like an orphan. It's a pretty lonesome feeling. Any thoughts, or suggestions you have, I would love to hear! 

Thanks for listening! 

  

This is my first time here, and I'm posting requesting advice I guess on what to do... this could be long.. so I apologize in advance. 

This is about my relationship with my Dad.  We had always been close... When my parents first separated, I was in the process of moving out of the house.  I ended up never actually being on my own (with my boyfriend, who is now my husband)  as Dad needed somewhere to go, so we let him stay with us.  Those first few years, he never contributed financially other than buying dinner every now and then.  My dad is a long distance truck driver, so sometimes wasnt there much, and other times would be there quite a bit.  We recently learned he told everyone he knew, and his side of the family that he was supporting us.  That obviously upset me, but I let it slide.   He's done a lot of things like that over the years to make himself look the hero, but I've never paid much attention to it.  

The big problem happened about a year ago.  

My husband ran into bigtime financial difficulties.  We had purchased a van, and Dad co-signed on it.   All in the span of 4months, we had to stay with in-laws for 2wks, as our hydro at the farm we rented was turned off as we could not afford to pay the bill, we got caught up, and were able to move back home.  The bills at the farm were monsterous, and we just couldnt manage everything.. and to be honest we werent very good at managing our money.  The van got reposessed. I had to take taxi's back and forth to work, which cost a lot as I worked in a different town than we lived.  I had access to Dad's bank account, and he had told me if we need anything, borrow it, and pay it back.  I did just that, but like everything else, it got out of control.   I ended up "borrowing" almost $1500 over a few months, and was unable to pay it back.  I lied to him about taking the money.  I told him I didnt.  He started an investigation into the bank, thinking identity fraud, and I finally fessed up.  I  dont know what I thought, maybe that he wouldnt find out that it was me.   I dont know. 

    He forgave me, but still holds it against me, which I dont blame him for, as I still beat myself up about it every day.  We tried to make arrangements with the bank to pay off the $9000 left owing on the van, but they wouldnt, it was all or nothing.  After a lot of deliberation, we claimed bankruptsy a few months ago.  We were told by the trustee my Dad would probably NOT be affected by this, but it turns out he was.  I just found out this weekend that the bank has gone after my Dad.   My Mom told me this, as apparently everyone knows about it but me.  I guess they came after him a few months ago.  Dad and I have not seen each other or spoken in almost a year.   

   Dad had a heart attack the summer that the "borrowing" money happened.  About 1 month after it went down.  I completely blame myself for his heart attack.  My mom and husband get angry that I do this, as Dad is overweight, and a heavy smoker.  But I still believe the extra stress caused it.  

  

I've heard from my sister and mom that Dad has stopped taking his heart medication and his diabetic medication because "he can't afford it".  I blame myself for this too.  I cannot believe that I would have done something so horrible to affect him the way I have.  

I believe I am a different person now, than I was when this happened.  I have post-traumatic-stress-disorder, I have for years.  I'm now on a whopping dose of effexor to control the stress / depression etc.  When all this was going down, I was incredibly suicidal.  I only pulled it together because I have 2 young children.  Thank God, I was able to do that.   I look back and say how stupid I was, but I still cannot forgive myself, and I dont think I'm worthy of forgiveness. 

  

The big issue, is its only a few weeks from Christmas.  I've heard Dad is very lonely, still in the truck, and now not taking his meds.  I'm worried that we will go by Christmas, and his health will deteriorate and I wont even be able to go to the hospital or worse case scenario the funeral as the whole family hates me for what I've done. 

  

I want to call my Dad, tell him that I just found out about the bank coming after him.   Tell him how sorry I am, and how much I love him.  I want to tell him I've changed, and I'm better now.  I want to tell him that I want him to take his meds,  that  i want my kids to see their grandpa for Christmas. 

But, I'm scared.  I know he's mad at me... why wouldnt he be?  But, how can I possibly just up and call him, and ask him to have a relationship with me again?   My Mom tells me I should call him, as his daughters are the most important thing to him, that he's a very forgiving man, and that he loves us no matter what.  

But, still, I'm scared.  I know just hearing his voice, I will fall apart, and become a blubbering idiot.  I want to have a relationship with my dad again, but How can we?  How can we get past everything I've done?   

Please I need advice on what to do.  Do I call, Do I not call?  What do I say?  How can I get past this?  I think I'm a terrible person.  Everyone I know, says I"m not, that I made horrible choices at a terrible time in my life.  I've changed, but how can I ask Dad to forgive me, when i dont feel that I'm worthy of his forgiveness? 

  

Please help...  

thank you 

signed, 

What do I do? 

I think I'm a terrible person. 

  

Hi there. I'm new here myself. Infact my message is right under yours.  

I want you to know something right now! you should'nt even hesitate! Don't ever wait to tell someone something that you feel needs to be said! You wouldn't want him to leave this earth not knowing would you?... I know all about being scared. 2 years ago I had to confront my father on our relationship troubles. I was scared to death! But I stepped up anyway, because it was just something I knew that I needed to do. I first put myself in his shoes. I thought about, what would I do if one of my children was feeling like an outsider to our family?... You bet all the money in the world that I'd want to know about it! 

It was very scarey for me to do all the same. But I did it anyway, and even though the outcome wasn't as good as I had hoped, I said what I needed to say, and knowing that I tried was comfort for me. Remember, you are not responsible for other people and how they take things. He might even need time to let everything that you have to say sink in. But know this, for you the relief of just being said, and knowing you tried, will be worth it. that way you have been acountable with your own life's track. Good Luck! Now Go Call Him!             Best Wishes,      voyles 

Once again, good Luck!  voyles9699.

My advice to you is not to call... instead, you should send him a holiday card with a letter, telling him how you feel.  

But before you do that, you need to sort out some things. Why don't you feel worthy of forgiveness? Why do you shoulder all of the blame for this mess, when your husband also had a hand in making the debt? Also, you admit that you were under extreme stress when this was going on, and you now wish you didn't do what you did. If you are truly remorseful, you deserve to be forgiven. If you aren't sorry at all, if you are glad that you did this, then you don't deserve to be forgiven. Is that how you really feel? I dont think so.  

Sometimes in life, we get stuck in a self-defeating rut. We do things that are wrong, we make bad decisions and wrong choices; then, when we realize what we've done, we have two choices... one is to admit what you did was wrong, that you are sorry, that you know how much pain and hurt you've caused, and now you want to restart a relationship, OR, the second choice is to keep wallowing in self-pity, to keep thinking every day about how bad of a person you are, and how you don't deserve to be forgiven, and how terrible you always will be forever. Which choice are you going to make? 

I hope for your sake, and for your children's and husband's sake, that you choose the first option. You can move forward and have a happy, healthy relationship with your father. Its not just you who deserves that, but so do your children. Best wishes!! 

I can understand why you feel like an orphan. It sounds like you have truly made wonderful improvements in your life, and you did this all for YOU, thats so great! I know it would feel so awesome to see your father enjoy the strong inner self that you have for yourself, but he can't have that unless he wants it for himself. When he critisizes you for this and for that, what he is really saying/thinking is that HE is the one who isn't good enough. Since you've read Dr. Phil's books (so have I) you know that when people are unhapply and unhealthy emotionaly, they will reflect how they feel about themselves onto other people. This is what your father has done to you during your whole life, but now you are recovered and you are enjoying a good life, and there is probably a peice of him that needs you to be miserable like him. Its a kind of misery that goes very deep. He has a deep-seated dislike for himself, most likely going all the way back into his own childhood. Again, these are things that you can't fix for him, because you can't change other people, the only thing that you can do is change your reaction to them. Examine the past few negative interactions with your dad; what did you say or do that might have contributed to repeating the cycle of abuse? Imagine that you could go back and have that phone conversation with him right now, what could you have done or said that would have kept your dignity intact and could have made him realize that you won't be pushed around by him? (considering that there is anything different you could have done)  

I wish you the best. Know in your heart that you have come a long way, and that the only person's happiness that you can control is your own. If someone else doesn't want to be happy, its a choice they have made... Your father doesn't enjoy being happy, but it doesn't mean he has to drag you down with him.