Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Good to here from you again, yeah I do find the depression board slower at times.  I'm glad to see you slept also, I did sleep all night because of the meds, so glad in a way.  For the pain I'll wait to see if I really need to go to the doctors because I don't have the money at the moment to pay for a sitter and gas money for the driver.  I get bored pretty quick also that's why I check out different boards every day.  To take them to the bus it's on the next street over, because where I am is a dead end sortof they pick them up on the next street about a 2 min walk. 

My day is going ok, I went to see my therapist, very good session he even recommended a good nutritionist that gives a course.  It would help me food wise.  I don't usually eat weird foods, but I did the rapid start program of dr. phil and the food that was on there, ouch Some of it even the cashier didn't know what to look for.  I did eat everything I could find that was on the menus, well except for tea and coffee no one can convince to drink those. 

Well I better going to the post office it's a good 20 min walk one way, I'll be back in time for lunch. 

See you later, big smiles & hugs 

nancy 

My husbands ex and money the money that we spend towards his daughter are tearing up my marriage.   

My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have two daughters of our own, 3 and 1 years old.  He has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship.  My entire marriage has dealt with this nightmare situation.  Two years before we were married, his ex left him, took the child, and married another man.  He barely saw his daughter for two years.  He tried to get the courts involved but did not have enough money to get a good lawyer.  In 1999, we filed a petition against the ex and began formal visitation and child support.  We are being beld dry financially because of this situation - between lawyers bills and retroactive support 6 years ago, lawyers bills now, child support over the last 6 years, medical expenses for the child, visitation commuting expenses, and our own expenses on top of everything (what we spend when she is with us and her percent of our household expenses, etc...).  During the whole time, the mother was a nightmare.  She called our house excessively, refused to do her half of the visitation commuting, changed the visitation schedule all the time, complained and yelled at my husband, said bad things about us, and basically shut out my husband from all decision making regarding his daughter.  Basically we were an ATM machine and that was it.  About 6 months ago, she did something that made us decide to take a stand.  She then took us back to court and we just spent the last 6 months fighting her.  She actually lost on most of the big issues and justice went our way on a lot of things.  However, this was not cheap.  Our child support is now $132 per week, we have paid about $7,000 in lawyers bills, and we still have one more hearing, we paid $600 in arrearge support, and are continuing to pay for half unreimbursed medical expenses.  We just got a packet of medical receipts from her that cost us $100.     

Everybody knows that money stresses marriages.  Nobody ever has enough.  We have typical stresses financially, such as caring for our own two children who need child care while we work.  So, the money surrounding this custody issue is just adding fuel to the fire.  All of this has caused me to resent my husband, his ex, their daughter, and the world in general.  I believe that the laws of Illinois are totally unfair to the non-custodial parent.  We are so tight financially, yet we have to send $132 per week to care for a child where her mother has 3 other children (thereby reducing the children's expenses proportionately), where her mother's husband makes good money, where the child is away from them 25% of the time (thereby reducing some of their expenses).  There is no way that the mother needs this much money from us.  We are basically supporting a child who does not live with us and for whom we have no say about anything.  My husband tries to get involved in decision making, but the mother shuts him out or digs in her heals.  It is not worth the fight.  I have read in so many websites that the first family shouldn't suffer for the second, which is why in Illinois child support is not reduced when the non-custodial parents have other children.  However, my question always is - why should the second family suffer so much for the first?  I also know that everybody says that I knew what I was getting into when I married him; however, my answer is that you never know what you are getting into.  If I had known that I would have to deal with all of this to this extent, I may not have married him in the first place.   

All of this is tearing up my family.  It's not just the money - it is the stress of dealing with the ex and the situation, while trying to be a parent to his daughter.  My husband and I are fighting all the time, there is tension everytime his daughter is with us, my relationship with his daughter is going south, and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I am not the mother I should be to my two kids and not the wife that I should be.  I am to the point where I don't even like to be around my husband, let alone have sex.  I have even thought about divorce, but I know that I don't want to do that to him or my children.  I know that I do love my husband and I want to be a happier person and I want a happier marriage.  I just don't know how to get past all of the anger, frustration and resentment involved in this situation.   

hi there, you seem to pissed at your husband for having to take care of his child.  Put yourself in her shoes, if you guys separate are you saying you will let him go and marry off someone else have kids with her and not ask him to help out for your kids.  When he had that child with her he decided to pay for her needs, as he did when he had kids with you. 

The ex on the other hand should not be involved with you if it just creates tension, as you should not be involved with his needs towards her and their daughter.  All I can say is put yourself in her shoes, you have him, but she has his daughter and he needs to keep his end of the bargain when they conceived that girl.  Her new hubby is not that girls real dad it's not his responsibility it is your husbands, if you had kids with someone else would you make your husband pay everything for them? 

I have been married almost 16 years . My husbands extramarrietal flings has resulted in a child born a year ago August. I chose to stay due to my vows and love for my husband and family. This was all new to me, finding out was after the fact, and all infedelity has stopped. I can't get past not knowing things . I have never met the women, she lives in the same town, another nightmare. We are not in the same circles etc since her family are migrate workers ( not knocking them). Just trying to explain why it's not likely we meet. 

My husband has remained responsible, financially and trying to get to know his son. I can't get past sarcasim and hurtful comments. i want to know all and i don;t know why. I know my husband loves me and our 4 children but my self-esteem is shot. I'm not overweight, or ugly or even un-pleasant but I feel ugly and I know this hurts my husband to always bring things up. We go to dinner, movies etc and I always ruin it. I need some help or advice...anyone with ideas on this? 

every time I write or see your name I can't help but sing, sea shells by the sea shore, lol 

yeah the pain is still there but it's less nauseating today.  How are you doing today?  Hope to here from you soon.  Oh I have a question I noticed on the other board you said your doing a puz3d, how long does it usually take to make it.   I'm asking because my son wants me to help him build a pirate ship puzz 3D wondering how much time I should block out to help him. 

Did you watch the show today, can you imagine sleeping that way I am kinda glad I don't sleep much. 

nancy 

Uou know i thought that too when i decided to use this user.LOLI'm glad i cheered you up.I'm so sorry you still in pain hun.The puzzles the are 3-D take time yes because your make a whole structure with them it depends on how many pieces and the pic it self.If you have alot of one color its harder..I did one and it has the ocean and beach.I guess thats why i called me sea_shells.I love to collect the shells and pretty glass as well.The show today no i didn't get to watch.My daughter has this exact thing going on and she says that Dr phil says stress can play alot into it.She got some info i guess to help her .She just wakes with this imaginary person in bed and don't know who it is.Or she will see things on the wall thats not there she said .So i was hoping the show was something she can get some info on this. Talk soon Nancy have a good night 

 I'm not sure if my relationship is broken yet, but i really want to try and prevent that from happening.  As you can see from the previous post my so was hurt in an accident, and is in the process of driving me nuts.  Mainly becouse I keep getting triggered from some of his actions, or I could could just be reacting to what he's doing.  Hopefully someone can help me out here. 

My so spends a great deal of time sleeping,during the day (medication, healing, avoidance,ect)   therefore he is up really late usually on the computer.  Now generally I wouldn't have a problem with this, but lately ( well for the last three months or so,)   I get this thight clamp around my chest, my stomache starts to roll, I feel like being sick ( now medicated myself, waiting to see if it works)  everytime he goes online to talk with his friends.  Now let me put this in my perspective, (hopefully, someone can point his out to me)  Our children (baby-preschooler) wake in the morning around 7, my b/f is asleep on the couch, ( that's where he has been sleeping) he will wake up around 10:00 as were getting ready to go out the door to the babysitters, and work.  I will work until 7:30 that night.  My parents will pick up the children on their way home from work, and take them to our house for a while to see their dad, ( if he's awake- quite often he's asleep-avoiding my mom) then they take them to their house, feed them and I pick them up around 8, take them home, give them a bath, put them to bed, ( bad habit- but to see them, they stay up until 9-9:30) around 9:30 b/f and I will have supper, by 10 he's on the computer to talk to his mom, and cousin, and her friend, and even his ex girlfriend.  I give up and go to bed around 12.  Some one please tell me what to do. 

Now I need to take this a step further.  I didn't feel like this until just after the crisis of the accident, and the bulk of everything landed on my shoulders.  I have noticed that it is only when he is talking to someone, and needs to downsize for whatever reason, he won't talk if I come over.  And he is certainly not talking to me.  I think I'm going crazy to be honest, between everything with my b/f, and my in laws, and my step son to be- if they would just let the kid live where he wants half the stress would be gone, but I don't know, I don't know what to do  any more, I don't know what to do, what to think, or how to feel.  I know my b/f is hiding on the computer, easy to aviod everything there, and I know he's bored at home, but i don't have that option, I'm tired and frustrated, and feel very alone, and unloved right now, I know he loves me, but he is avoiding me I guess.   I'm sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest, now if only I could get it all off i'd be set.