Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Hi again and thank you for the post.I did enjoy Valentines Day with my hubby.I hope you got to enjoy your love day as well.LOL Thanks again.!!

 I am a 26 year old mother and wife. I was raised by my mother along with my brother. My father was in a severe car accident when I was 6 years old. Due to the brain damage that my father suffered my mother was advised by dr's that my father could and probably would wake up one day and kill all of us. So my mother packed us up and left my father without him knowing. I was 7 almost 8 at this time (august 1987).  My father did not take this well and we had to live basically on the run for about 2-3 years after being in florida. My father would threaten to kill my mom and/or kidnapp us if he found us. We lived in fear but my mother stayed strong and protected us as any parent would do.

Here is my problem today. I have not seen my father in almost 20years (or anyone in his family). My brain has blocked all of my memories of them before the night of the accident. Somehow my heart remembers the good times and the love that I left behind. My brain and my heart are on two different paths. Because I love my father with all of my heart. But my brain says I should not. My fathers crash was because he was drunk and high on drugs and drag racing. So I blame him for everything. I know he was an addict and had tried to stop several times and couldn't. But there was a time that he was not an addict. At that point he made a willing choice to start habits that could become addicting. Leading to many other choices in his life during the addiction. In my mind my father chose to loose me. My father chose to not be my "daddy" anymore. My father chose to take the most sacred bond that a little girl has "father/daughter bond" being "daddy's little girl" away from me. My father chose to break my heart to unrepairable extent. On the other hand my mother risk her life to care for my brother and myself. She has never chose to hurt me like my father did. She became both my mother and father.

Now that i am 26 years old I have a lot of unanswered questions. I am completely consumed with feelings of emptiness that only my father can fill. However I am aware that he passed away on 2-5-2001 ( i found this on an online search for him a few years ago). I did get a chance to speak to him one time in 1999. But I chose not to continue a relationship with him. He never did give me an answer to why he did the things he did. Nor did he ever say that he was sorry.  My mom and brother were not excited about my phone call to him. SO I decided not to pursue the relationship. I figured that I had lived without him for so long why hurt the people that actually cared about me to try to have him in my life. The loss of my mother and brother was not worth gaining my father in my eyes. So I told myself and others that i did not speak to him again because wanted him to hurt like I did for so long.

Now I really need answers. I think that if I can find away to put closure to this chapter in my life. I can be a better person, a better wife and mother. I want to find other family members of mine on hs side and just see what I can find out. I want to know where he is burried and go visit. i have questions that I need answered. But I do not want to hurt my mother or brother. But I feel like I do not know half of who I am. I was tought to be proud of your name. It is the one thing that people can not take from you. It goes right along with pride. But as I grow older and more proud of my name it hurts more and more because I really do not know what my name stands for.

I have lived this long without this info and I would rather live hurting and not knowing than to hurt my mom and brother just to know. I am not guarenteed that if I do get answers I will no longer hurt. So is it worth it? Do I let my father disrupt my family again? Or will I be making bad choices like him?

Advice please.

today was horrible, after weeks of asking had he talked to her or recieved or made a phone call, the answer was no. I found out today that this was all to spare my feelings and endless questions about the past. 

  

I don't understand how we can move on if he chooses not to confront it. I do hassel him and asks a lot of questions but I feel as his wife and partner I should have that right. I do want to get to know the child (18 mo old) but my husaband insisits my actions prove me to be unstable about it. Im unstable becuase I can't move on.... He's made it clear he's having a relationship with his son, so shouldn't we work it out visitations ect. Our kids know now. The town doesn't but Im sure some do. It's humiliating however I want to move past all this. I spent to much time building this marriage to end it. What do I do now....?? anyone. 

  

Married 16years, 4 children, husband had brief affair ended in child being concieved, he made the commitment to stay , I too but what's next?? 

  

I grew up an only child, but had one cousin I was extremely close to. Her and I have been unsepaerable until Sept of 2005.  I was extremely up set and hurt by what she did to me.  She had decided to start hanging out with my ex alot and they actually started to date.  He is just not an ordinary ex boyfriend, but my ex husband!  My ex husband and I have 2 children together, we were also married for 6 years.  My children love her and I thought well if they end up together wont that affect my children all of asudden mommies cousin isnt her cousin but daddies new woman! I miss her terribly.  I have tried to call her and make up and tell her I can look past everything that has happened but I cant.  Should I be upset and keep letting this bother me?  Should I call her and let her know that she is important to me and I want her in my life.  Or should I wait for her to come around?  What to do! 

This is a long story, but I promise it is worth every minute of your time. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother would hit me in the face, tell me she hated me and couldn't wait to get me out of her home.I was subjected to sexual abuse by her leaving me alone with her bi sexual boyfriend, I was subjected to physical abuse by her now x husband, I ended up in the juvenile court system and on every psychiatric drug known to man, I attempted suicide over 100 times. Not all were serious, but a few were. My mother would throw me out and then call the police and report me as a runaway to have me arrested.I lived on the streets of Dayton Ohio as a teen. I eventually ended up in a foster home. While all of this was going on I began writing to a boy who was in juvenile prison. My mother knew I was writing him and didn't care. I wrote to him for a year and a half. I was even allowed to go visit him in prison with his mother. The emotional attatchment created with all of the pain in the home was one that I fear will never go away.The day he got out my mother said I was no longer allowed to have any contact with him.I'm sure you can imagine what that was like. I met him at the bus stop with his mother the day he was released I concieved a child. This is where the IMPORTANT part of the story comes in. Turns out my mom was right about the boy, what she was wrong about was allowing me to write an inmate for a year and a half in the first place. So I ended up back at home with my mom. Pregnant at 16. When my baby was born I fell in love instantly. I knew I was going to be the best mother and she was all that I cared about.
My mother kept harrassing me, accusing me of not feeding her, or bathing her enough. She would come home from work and say there are still the same ammount of bottles in the refrigerator as there were when I left. Well that was because each time I fed Lindsay I made a new Bottle so that the refrigerator would always be stocked.I bathed her 1 time every 2 days with sponge baths in between. That is what they told me to do in the hospital. I was doing everything right but she was determined to drive me away. One day I got a visit from child protective services. They said mom had called them and that they were opening a case. This scared me so bad I didn't know what to do. Soon after my mom began throwing me out again. What was I supposed to do take my baby on the street?My mom would say it doesn't matter you might as well leave her here they will eventually take her from you and give her to me. You are too young to raise a child. I believed every word she said to the point that I left and only came to visit Lindsay. Eventually that too became too painful to bear.My mom seemed to really love her and be doing better with her than she ever did with me. So I thought maybe God gave me Lindsay to give my mom a second chance. I ended up signing papers so that my mom could adopt her. 2 years ago I found out that my mom was begining to do the same things to Lindsay that she did to me, and that Lindsay was starting to show some of the same behavior problems that I did. My mom seems to think its all genetic, denying any responsibility. My mom told me she had hit Lindsay in the face "a little too hard" .Lindsay would call me crying after mom would have hit her or told her things like "I hate you" or "you make me sick" "you are ruining my life"etc... I knew things were going just the way they did with me. Now I find out that mom has pressed charges on Lindsay, has her on probation and has had her in juvenile detention.I guess mom never thought that when you abuse a child they might eventually fight back.So now she has her hands full. I could sit back and smile and say she's getting hers now, but the person who is getting hurt the most is Lindsay.
Another element of this story is I have 4 children other than Lindsay and they are all upset by this. Their Grandmother has turned her back on them too. They had been expressing their feelings to me about their sister having been taken away from me, and I told them the best way to deal with their feelings would be to write their grandmother a letter. So they did. Maybe I did the wrong thing by mailing the letters but I felt she needed to know. I called my mother the other day because my oldest daughter was having her 10th birthday and she was asking I wonder if Nanna will call to wish me a happy birthday? My mom got very angry and said that the last time she heard from her grandchildren she got hate mail so she no longer wants to have anything to do with them. Please help my family Dr Phil! If you don't I fear the worse for Lindsay. She is already saying suicidal things and her life is going to be destroyed by my mother if she doesn't get help.

My mother and I are very different people, but throughout the years we managed to stay very close...Not any more.  

We have had some ups and downs and now we don't even talk.  I have heard from some of my Aunts that she is very depressed, but she seems to refuse any help.  I contacted her once and told her I would go to counseling with her and try to get a workable relationship going, but she just didn't think she wanted to fit it into her schedule.  She is a very controlling mother and seems to run off a that everything in her life is an emergency and her way is the only way.  I guess if she cannot control me with guilt I just don't fit in her life anymore:(.... 

I am very concerned about her...we have suicide and lots of depression in our blood line...She seems to live in her drama and I don't think there is any more I can do.  I just hurt, because I feel as though I'm without a mother now. 

Any ideas or experiences to share?  Thank you 

Your mother was very wrong by her behavior. It is a shame she had to be that way. My question to you is, you say you have your other 4 children with you, why not turn your mother in to Child Protective Services since she is abusing your other child and YOU try to get your child back? Just because your mother adopted your child does not mean she cant be taken from your mom due to abuse. You can even ask CPS to put the child with a relative, which would be you and you would have her back where she belongs. You know how your mom did you, so dont sit back and let her do the same thing to your child. Take action now, and stop this cycle of abuse created by your mother. Good Luck and be strong. You may not have had alot say so when you were a child living with your mom, but now you are an adult and you have just as much say so as your mom.

About 2 years ago due to a miscommuntication with another family member, we stopped talking to my MIL.  My husband does not seem to mind this.  He has never been close to his mother.  His dad passed away years ago, so that is not an issue.  However, that is not the way I was raised.  I would like to try to mend this, but I am not sure where to start.  I was thinking of sending a mothers day card in the mail.  She could always throw it out if she chooses.  My husband says don't bother, its much better this way.

Glad to hear from you also.  I have been so out of it, not posting much too much on my mind and don't know how to talk about it.  I hope everything is okay with you.  Did you have a nice valentine.  Mine was cute, I made a special supper for the boys, and we made a homemade ice cream cake, because my youngest is allergic to eggs so no real cake.  they made me cute valentines.  It was nice.  no man to share it with but that's okay. 

  

take care 

  

nancy 

Listen to your husband. He knows his mother better than you do. If he feels it is better this way, then believe him. You may open a door to disaster if you try to mend things with his mother. OR, wait until your husband is ready to open that door. There is a reason why your husband feels this way. I know, my husband is the same way with his mother. I refused to listen to him in the beginning, and I thought the same as you, but boy was I wrong. I later found out the reasons. By letting his mother into our lives, almost cost us our marriage. My husband was definately right about this decision.