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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

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August 24, 2005, 7:48 pm CDT

Trouble between mother and daughter

My mother and i have always had a great relationship but last year she announced at the age of 47 she is gay.   Now i am not mad at her for that but she has abbaondoned her kids (my younger brother and sister)  with her ex-husband who she cheated on with her new girlfriend.  And I, being the older sister, feel like she needs to grow up and realiz that her kids are more important that her girlfriend.  And as a result i ahve not talked or seen her since mothers day of this year.  any advise?
 
August 25, 2005, 10:57 am CDT

Anger - filled father

  

     I am courrently living with my parents until I can save the money to buy my own hosue. 

  

     My father is impossible to live with. e is so self-centered. All he cares about is himself.  

  

     My father is also fulled with an anger I have never seen in anyone before. My father mouths off to everyone for any reason. For example, ony night my father heard the neighbourghs slamming their doors to their house. My father waited up for me and when I got up at 4 AM to get ready for work, my father started started mouthing off to me and yelling at me, telling me he could not sleep because the neighbourghs were keeping him up. 

  

  

     That is only one example.....but my fathers anger is out of hand and I can't take it any more. 

 
August 25, 2005, 12:37 pm CDT

Mid life crisis

Quote From: krglenn

My mother and i have always had a great relationship but last year she announced at the age of 47 she is gay.   Now i am not mad at her for that but she has abbaondoned her kids (my younger brother and sister)  with her ex-husband who she cheated on with her new girlfriend.  And I, being the older sister, feel like she needs to grow up and realiz that her kids are more important that her girlfriend.  And as a result i ahve not talked or seen her since mothers day of this year.  any advise?
 The joke is always about a man's buying himself a corvette and running off with his secretary, but women can go through the same craziness. It comes from realizing that you are not happy with the choices you've made in life, and you feel time is running out. However, that does not excuse the behavior, it only sheds light on why she's acting this way.
You don't say how old you are, but I would guess you are taking up the slack in caring for your younger sister and brother? I don't blame you for being uspset.
Have you talked to her at all? I'm sure your parents have had words, but maybe she needs to hear from the kids. Tell her how it feels to be abandoned.
Just remember, this is not your fault. Never was.
 
August 25, 2005, 12:42 pm CDT

Hercules,

Quote From: hercules12

  

     I am courrently living with my parents until I can save the money to buy my own hosue. 

  

     My father is impossible to live with. e is so self-centered. All he cares about is himself.  

  

     My father is also fulled with an anger I have never seen in anyone before. My father mouths off to everyone for any reason. For example, ony night my father heard the neighbourghs slamming their doors to their house. My father waited up for me and when I got up at 4 AM to get ready for work, my father started started mouthing off to me and yelling at me, telling me he could not sleep because the neighbourghs were keeping him up. 

  

  

     That is only one example.....but my fathers anger is out of hand and I can't take it any more. 

Don't let saving money be an excuse. Sometimes peace of mind is priceless. If you really want to buy a house, you'll get there. Sounds like your father needs help. If this is a long-standing condition, I would suggest some kind of anger management. If it's recent, maybe he's having physical problems or something that he's unable to cope with.  You don't mention your mother, if she takes a lot of the abuse, I would get her to take some counseling. Life is too short to live in such pain.
 
August 25, 2005, 2:00 pm CDT

Thanks

Quote From: ritehere

Don't let saving money be an excuse. Sometimes peace of mind is priceless. If you really want to buy a house, you'll get there. Sounds like your father needs help. If this is a long-standing condition, I would suggest some kind of anger management. If it's recent, maybe he's having physical problems or something that he's unable to cope with.  You don't mention your mother, if she takes a lot of the abuse, I would get her to take some counseling. Life is too short to live in such pain.

Thanks for the reply  

   

My mother takes the mental and emotional abuse too. My father has said more than once he wants to walk out on both her and the rest of the family. My father's mental and emotional abuse is so bad that he caused my mother to slip into a mild depresion. My father has always had a bad temper but over the past couple years it has got to the point where it is unbareable. Hopefully within the next couple months I can satrt looking for a place of my own. I know this sounds awefull but when I do leave, I don't want to see my father for a long time...I need a serious break from him and his temper. For some reason he has the attitute that he knows everything and he seems to think the would has to stop and revolve around him. One of these days, this attitute of my fathers will catch up with him and he will be in for a real shock.   

   

Thanks for the reply   

   

And more important, thanks for the support. I appreciate the support.  

 
August 25, 2005, 3:40 pm CDT

Dr Phil says...

Quote From: hercules12

Thanks for the reply  

   

My mother takes the mental and emotional abuse too. My father has said more than once he wants to walk out on both her and the rest of the family. My father's mental and emotional abuse is so bad that he caused my mother to slip into a mild depresion. My father has always had a bad temper but over the past couple years it has got to the point where it is unbareable. Hopefully within the next couple months I can satrt looking for a place of my own. I know this sounds awefull but when I do leave, I don't want to see my father for a long time...I need a serious break from him and his temper. For some reason he has the attitute that he knows everything and he seems to think the would has to stop and revolve around him. One of these days, this attitute of my fathers will catch up with him and he will be in for a real shock.   

   

Thanks for the reply   

   

And more important, thanks for the support. I appreciate the support.  

 We teach others how to treat us. Your father is teaching you how to run away from him. Don't feel guilty about it and don't apologise for it. Parents are supposed to be loving and nurturing, but some are not. That is not your fault. It's only your fault if you follow in his footsteps. If he is that bad, maybe you can give your younger siblings a safe place to land when you get out. Personally, I wouldn't wait too long, I would rent for awhile if I had to.
I had a friend when I was a young adult who left home at 17. She had herself declared an adult and worked parttime after school, while living at a friend's till she graduated. She would take in her mother and younger brother and sister when the father was drinking and beating on them. I never could understand why the mother stayed with him, but she did. We can choose not behave the way we were taught, and we can choose good people to surround us.

 
August 25, 2005, 3:47 pm CDT

Well let me first ask you a question...

Quote From: krglenn

My mother and i have always had a great relationship but last year she announced at the age of 47 she is gay.   Now i am not mad at her for that but she has abbaondoned her kids (my younger brother and sister)  with her ex-husband who she cheated on with her new girlfriend.  And I, being the older sister, feel like she needs to grow up and realiz that her kids are more important that her girlfriend.  And as a result i ahve not talked or seen her since mothers day of this year.  any advise?

Well let me first ask you a question, how much are you willing to listen, if the person is jumping your case? What your mother has done is wrong, but I would suggest you attempt to talk to your mother in a loving way, asking her what her views are on what she has done, and attempt to find "her" take on the situation, and why she feels she doesn't need the contact with her children? 

  

You have only one mother and father in this world, and unless they are abusive in some way, you should attempt to keep contact with them. I would think that your mother loves you and your siblings. It sounds like you have no idea why she has done what she has done, and the reason for that is because you have not shown the concern to find out why. For all you know, she may have felt she could not handle the strain, and removed herself from the situation to prevent her from doing harm to her other children. Unless you can get over this enough to sit down calmly and discuss the matter, who could possibly give advice on what you should do?  

  

Find out the facts, and then think about it, and then rationally decide what you should do next. I would think that ostracizing your mother would not be the answer. I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted. 

 
August 27, 2005, 9:22 am CDT

Hi ritehere

Quote From: ritehere

 We teach others how to treat us. Your father is teaching you how to run away from him. Don't feel guilty about it and don't apologise for it. Parents are supposed to be loving and nurturing, but some are not. That is not your fault. It's only your fault if you follow in his footsteps. If he is that bad, maybe you can give your younger siblings a safe place to land when you get out. Personally, I wouldn't wait too long, I would rent for awhile if I had to.
I had a friend when I was a young adult who left home at 17. She had herself declared an adult and worked parttime after school, while living at a friend's till she graduated. She would take in her mother and younger brother and sister when the father was drinking and beating on them. I never could understand why the mother stayed with him, but she did. We can choose not behave the way we were taught, and we can choose good people to surround us.

Thanks, 

  

You are right, I do not plan to wait too long. Soon I can get away from all the mental and emotioanl abuse of my father. If he only know that by acting this way, he is only pushing our relationship to the point where I no longer want anythinh to do with him. I guess sometimes people only care about them selfes no matter how much they hurt others. But anyway,  wanted to say thanks for being here. The support means so much. Thanks again. 

 
August 29, 2005, 1:08 pm CDT

Coming to terms with my dad after his death

Question.....if he's gone, can I fix it? Not sure if I actually know the answer to this already & want confirmation or what..... But I never had a "great" relationship with my dad to begin with. And to add insult to injury, he was a very tough man to get along with anyway....very harsh! But never the less, we did have some "good times" which I tend to hang on to with a tight fist.....for memory sake. But prior to his death, unknown to me at the time, he had feelings toward me that I was unaware of because he chose not to confront me. Because of those feelings, he cut me out of his will & I found out about it a couple days "after" his death. However, prior to his death (literally days), he was planning to visit me while on a long trip, but never made it. The last time I spoke to him on the phone prior to him leaving for his trip, it was a pleasant conversation & he expressed a lot of excitement about coming. I have often times wondered if he still felt this way (the will) or if he had different feelings when he died but never had the opportunity or forgot (old age) to change the will. So I sit & wonder...........how do I feel about my dad? Do I have unresolved issues with him & can I fix them?
 
August 29, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

RE: Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: tnhorton

Question.....if he's gone, can I fix it? Not sure if I actually know the answer to this already & want confirmation or what..... But I never had a "great" relationship with my dad to begin with. And to add insult to injury, he was a very tough man to get along with anyway....very harsh! But never the less, we did have some "good times" which I tend to hang on to with a tight fist.....for memory sake. But prior to his death, unknown to me at the time, he had feelings toward me that I was unaware of because he chose not to confront me. Because of those feelings, he cut me out of his will & I found out about it a couple days "after" his death. However, prior to his death (literally days), he was planning to visit me while on a long trip, but never made it. The last time I spoke to him on the phone prior to him leaving for his trip, it was a pleasant conversation & he expressed a lot of excitement about coming. I have often times wondered if he still felt this way (the will) or if he had different feelings when he died but never had the opportunity or forgot (old age) to change the will. So I sit & wonder...........how do I feel about my dad? Do I have unresolved issues with him & can I fix them?

Oh, & let me add...... 

  

It's not the "things of his" that bothers me. Reason why I say this is because my sister was his executor of estate & said that he wanted me to have certain things & passed them along to me, as well as a check that I got in the mail. So this is not a material issue. I could care a less about any of that. I mean it was nice to have some of his things, but it is the fact that "he cut me out". It was like saying that he didn't love me anymore, or disowned me as his daughter. Just simply hurt my feelings.  

 
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