Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I'm new here and I normally don't post things like this on a Message Board but today as I sat here crying yet again over what has happened to my family, Dr. Phil popped into my head so here I am.

 

My middle son (21 yrs) has been dating a girl for a year. At first she seemed nice and they appeared to be having fun, falling in love and happy so we accpeted her with open arms. They both attend university in different towns and didn't get to spend a lot of time together over the school year. At the beginning of the summer she started practically living in our home. Over the past few months we have gotten to know her and I have seen things I don't like. She lies and manipulates and she controls my son. She is critical of people and says some pretty nasty and hurtful things. She has alienated my youngest son by the things she has said to him. I have suspected for a while that she has been reading my emails. It came to light last week that she in fact has been reading them and told my son about one in which I mentioned to my other son's girlfriend that i wish this one would help more around the house and would stop being so clingy with my son. I expressed fear for his safety because she has been acting unstable lately.  As I said I suspected she was reading them but to have it confirmed was shocking. I told my son i thought we needed to clear the air and requested a "meeting" with her so we could talk. We met in  public place and she proceeded to "attack" me verbally and said some nasty things to me. I ended up leaving and calling my husband to come and get me and I then called my eldest son and told him that about the emails and said that we have to fix this or our family would be pulled apart. He got very angry that this girl had treated me the way she had and emailed her to tell her what he thought. She showed the email to my middle son who proceeded to email his brother and say nasty, horrible vile things..things I had no idea he was capable of saying. Both brothers have now said they want nothing to do with each other. My youngest son is caught in the middle but is hurt and angry because of the way both he and I have been treated so he is not speaking to his brother or the girl either. My midle son has left home and is living at her house now. He goes back to school in two weeks and I'm afraid that once he goes back he'll never come home. I should also mention that this girl has been telling people private things about our family and people have come to me with concerns. She said her goal was to drive a wedge between my son and his brother. She also told a friend of mine that she can't afford birth control anymore and is going off it and not telling my son.

 

My husband and I have been through a lot this year..with his bad health and him not being able to work we have almost lost our home and our finances are a mess. I have been under so much stress and I am coming into this situation with very little strength left. I feel battered and bruised and I feel like my family has been pulled apart.. The one thing that I have always been able to count on is my family...we have pulled together and got through so much over the years but now it feels as if the one thing i could count on is no longer there.

 

I don't know what to do and how to carry on....has anyone out there gone through anything similar? What did you do? Any words of wisdom?

 

Thank you in advance..sorry this is so long!

Hello

I live in a war that I called Home !! Everythins is going wrong..Everybody in my family is heading wrong.

I have a real problems not one problem. I don't know where I start but all I know that I'm tired of all of this. I'm 19 years old and I have 2 brothers(29 - 25) and 2 sisters(26 - 9). everyone is having a problem with the other. My biggest brother(29 years old - Not Married) doesn't get along with my dad they fight all the time about everything. And the 2 brothers are hating eachother so much. they all live with us but they don't talk to eachother for 9 monthes and sometime they get in a fight!! can you emagin, that. My other brother(25) don't talk to anyone but Mom and Dad and the younger sister we all don't know why!!

And my Mom and Dad are not doing good with the eathother too. Everyday they arguing about everything. My father is almost alone. He is setting on his office downstares all the day watching the stock market 24 hours. He is playing with our money that we don't have alot of it. We were have 100,000 $ and we needed so bad. the boys want to get married but they can't 'coz there's not enough money to do that, and they don't have cars too, in our home there's so many things that need to be repaired, we need to buy things for us me and my mother. and now all the 100.000 $ are gone !! where ?? we don't know but most of it in the FXCM (The Stocks Market). He's losing all the money that we have and we can't say anything to him unless if we want trouble. because of that we all feel that we don't like our father so much. He have a good heart but we feel that he's living alone. When we need some money he gets angry and says that he does not have money so we hardly ask for something important. But for him everything is change, he have a BMW car and a 2 watches one cost 1000 $ and the other cost 4000 $ and a Mobile cost 1000 $ and a shoes with 200 $ and alot of other things that we don't have. Everything is okey for him but it is not for us.

He was very hard with my oldest brother when he was a kid beat him and yell at him. he grow up hating my father untill now. He says he does not want to live with him if he have enough money to leave and all of this because of my dad.!!

Untill now we can't buy what we want but my dad is playing with the money and keep losing it. And when we talk to him about it he yell at us and say that is not our biseness and it's all his money.

Mom now not talking to him alot and not setting with him because their past is another long story. When they are not talking to eachother he says that he would be in a better life if he married to any other women and she says the same thing. It hurts me so much but they don't what I'm going through coz i don't show it and I don't want to.And every time I try to fix it between the two of them each one say "why are you worrey ?? everything is okey we are like this for along time, stay out of this" But I can't !! They are my parents.

And alot of other things. It hurts me when I see any other family lives happily and loving eachother and we are not. I'm really tired of this and don't know what to do.

Sometimes I think about marrige just to get out of there. I don't know what to do..

WHAT SHOULD I DO ????!!!

I NEED HELP.

I can see where this would be a very stressful situation.  You don't mention why you are all still living at home. I am especially concerned about the siblings who are in their 20's.  Do they have jobs?  It might be time for them to consider moving out and living on their own. It would certainly be more peaceful and give them independence from a domineering father. I wish you all the best - you can't change your parents, but you can be responsible for your own life.  

 I haven't walked in your shoes, but I have had a child who seems to think I'm an idiot much of the time!  I haven't always approved of the friends she chooses, but I have learned that if I object, it only makes them more attractive and me more of a dummy.  It's hard to restrain yourself and hope and pray they will come to their senses. You can only pray that your son will see this girl for what she is. As things are now, your objections will only make him defend her more.  Don't you wonder sometimes how we manage to live this long and know nothing, yet teenagers are willing to take advice from the first person they meet on the street??  It's puzzling.

Hi again.

 

It's really a stressful situation. Yes we all together unless my bigger sister she got married and living her own home. And we are in a small town where would my brothers go. They do have jobs but with a little salary they can't depend on it to leave. And even that moving out don't solve the problemes between them. I want them to have a relationships with eachother. My biggest brother don't talk to my dad and to my brother. My other brother don't talk to me or my 2 sisters and brother. Mom is rarly talk to Dad.

All this beside my issues and my Mom's.

Maybe I can't change anything.. But maybe I can too. Why not !! But I can't do this alone.

I think they all need to set together and talk about everything is going on but no body is listening to me.

And father losing all our money when we can't say or do anything is making things worse between all of us.

And I'm really upset me when I see how my brother and father dealind with eachother. My brother feels that he doesn't have a father to count on him and turn to him whenever he needs him. And the worst part that he feels that my father loves my other brother more. And he really does.

I don't care about my own life coz it doesn't matter more than the other things going on.

I have so much more to say but everytime I think about it I cry. I'm writhing now with my tears on my eyes.

I'm burning inside and I don't know where to turn to get out all what I carrey inside me.

 

Thank you for your concerned.. I really need somebody to understand and lead me.

I am sorry you feel responsible for all your family. You cant change any member of your family., they have to do that. The only person you can change is yourself and the way you think. You are the most important person in your life. You stated you are 19. Are you still in school? Do you have a religious person you can talk to? Is counseling available in your town. Do you have books available to you?

I see you are saudi. I dont know what  your living arrangements are but this seems like a lot of grown people in one household. Do you have libaries available to you. I suggest you get some of Dr phils self help books that will help you take care of your self. Dr Phil has a lot of information on this web site. I wish I could help you more. Take care of yourself. Can you talk to your parents and tell them how you feel?

Keep me posted .

Rose Mary

Hi Guys,

I'm not sure where to start so here goes, I'm 33 years old and my parents just celebrated their 34th Wedding anniversary in June.  2 weeks ago i was informed my father is having an affair with a woman he met at work (apparently it's only been going on for a month!!?? - he's only been with this company for 7 months so i know it's no longer than that). To say the least everyone is shocked especially my mum - she says there were no signs and they seemed happy, and yes as far as everyone was concerned they were happy.  My dad says he's fallen out of love with mum (yes i know this can happen - but there were no signs of this!!)..

I'm very worried about mum. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a form of stomach cancer and at the time had her whole stomach and some of her esophagus, she has up until now been coping with this extremely well, they used part of her large intestine and joined it  to her esophagus in the shape of a "y" so as she could eat normally.  Well at the moment she's not eating (understandable) but if she doesnt eat the "tube" can make her ill - not sure exactly what happens but i've been told it's not good. I live a good 12 hour car drive from her, she's just gone home tonight after staying for 3 nights to "get away". I have 3 children and im sure they lifted her spirits. I've just been talking with her on the phone ( and my brother who lives about 15mins drive from her) and she's back to square one again in regards to the pain and sadness she's feeling.

 

I'm at a loss, i dont know what to do. .i only wish i could take the pain away from her.  I'm tired and emotionally drained because i was being "brave" when she was here and although im feeling my own pain in regards to what my dad's done i put it aside while she was here.  I just dont understand why he's doing this.  He and i used to talk on the phone several nights per week and i thought we were close but i have not heard from him - I guess he's feeling ashamed.. I dont know - I went over to their house the day after I found out (stayed 5 days then mum came over to me here after i'd been home a day). while i was there i cried to him, yelled at him (even swore at him) and pleaded with him to think about what he's doing.  He wants to sell the house they own - all those years of struggling to acheive what they have now is out the window. Mum doesnt want to leave the house and i dont blame her.

 

Im sorry if im rambling but as i said Im at a loss I dont know how to help mum, and already it's having an effect on my own marriage - i seem to be getting cranky with my husband and i cant help it.

 

Oh i forgot to point out that my dad had an affair some 22 years ago with my mum's best friend (at the time) but he came back, and i struggle in my own relationship in regards to trusting my partners (this is my second marriage - first husband turned out to be a womanising creep!). If anyone can help please do.

 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. My father had a few affairs over his 40 year marriage to my mother. They divorced a few years ago and he married the last woman he had an affair with. My mum is happily married now too. It was tough going through it at the time. I have three kids too and I found supporting my mum through it all very draining emotionally and physically.  I felt helpless but did what I could which I think is all you can really do. I listened a lot...the long distance bills were incredible!  You will all come through this..it will just take time to heal wounds and work things through. Sorry I can't be of more help..I just wanted you to know I understand your pain.

My mother and I have always had a relationship until a couple of months ago.  She thinks I don't spend enough time with her since i have been married.  She and I have not spoke since our last arguement 3 months ago.  She called to let me know she wants to repair our relationship but she wants nothing to do with my husband.  She will not come to our house and he is not welcome at theirs.  I feel like if she wants to repair the relationship she needs to with both of us not just me.  Is it wrong of me not to want a relationship with her unless she accepts my whole family?

   Hi, I have never done anything close to this before. But right now I am willing to try just about anything. I just turned 20 years old yesterday. Again none of my family wanted to spend time with me. The reason for this is becuase since I was 16 I have been trying to find my father. He went to jail when i was 7 for malesting me for 6 years. That alone ruined any relationship that i could have had with my family becuase from the way the say to me it was my fault. The reason that they now want nothing to do with me is becuase they dont understand why it is that I want to see my dad or should I say meet. My mother waited until she was 37 to finally meet her dad and se is 41 now. I dont want to wait that long because i see how it messed up her life and i dotn want the same for me. I want to meet him and ask him all sorts of questions. I want to get to knwo the man he is today. it has been 14 years now since i have seen or heard from him and i am ready to end this pain that i feel everytime that i think about it. I want closure from that part of my life. I want to let him know that even after everything that happened and all the crap i got from my family that I want to forgive him and move on with my life. I have not had a proper relationship with a man because of this. Growing up I was made to feel like the reason that it happened to me was cause it was my fault. I am ready to put it behind me and let him know that i have never once stopped thinking about him. I really need this in my life becuase maybe once i forgive my father I can finally forgive my mom for not believeing me when i told her it was going on and for saying it was my fault. I dont know how else to find him. I have even gone as far as hiring  a private detective. PLEASE HELP ME!!!