Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Obviously you need to be careful on how you handle this.  This can certainly happen again so you need to do something to turn it around.  For starters, your daughter was 100% wrong in taking your grandchildren away from you - you know that but she obviously doesn't which is really a shame.  A mother should be treated with the ut most respect and love in my opinion. 

She obviously is swayed easily by her boyfriend.  With that said, as much as you want to - bite your tongue and never say anything bad about him.  Ask her if she needs help with planning the wedding, get involved only if she wants you to.  Kill the a&^hole with kindness and put the past to rest.  Help out with the granskids, offer to babysit, try to form some kind of relationship with him.

Does this go against everything I believe - absolutely.  But it is not fair that the children are being used as pawns in this relationship so somebody needs to be the hero and unfortunately it has to be you.  I'm sorry you are even being put in this position but I can't think of anything else you can do to try to stay in the lives of you daughter and granchildren aside from family counseling but I'm sure he wouldn't go for that!

  I would like to thank sandy0914 for the quick response and kind words.  They were badly needed right then.  I felt immediate relief upon reading the response.  Partly because I didn't feel so guilty about my demeanor in their company and partly because I think I desperately needed to get if off my chest.  I think I needed to get it out into the open and confront my feelings about this head on finally.  I think I've accepted how it is now.  I think it's fair to say that for a long while I've thought that they didn't like my mother, and in turn me, and now I believe it to be true so I can move on.  I don't need to let it prey on me any longer.  I don't have to feel like the victim anymore.  The anvil has been lifted off my chest!

  As for talking to my mom about it I think I will keep this to myself...I don't want to "stir the pot" so to speak and be the cause of any more discord in the family.  How my mother originally handled the confrontation with my step-sister is unknown to me since she has never mentioned it to me either.  I can only imagine that she might have felt  humiliated and embarrassed, and I don't want to bring that back up for her.  She doesn't know that I know what my step-sister said to her.  Mom can be a bit 'prickly' at times and she appears to be fairly civil with my step-sister and completely un-aware that my demeanor has changed drastically over the last few years, so maybe it's best to leave it be.  Water under the bridge, so to speak.  With help I've taken some positive steps to closing the book on it and shelving it forever.

Thank-you again,

T.

British Columbia, CANADA

Sorry if this offends anyone but anymore, I absolutely hate my older daughter! (she's an adult in her mid 20's).  For years, she's been downright cruel, saying things to me that are rude, insensitive, cruel, nasty, etc.  I'd get angry but then forgive her and move on.  It had gotten to a point over the past two years where we went through periods of not speaking to each other because she would say and do numerous cruel things.  I told her if that's how she wants to act towards me, then I really don't want a relationship with her.  After a few months of not speaking, I would always feel bad and tell myself "Well, she's my daughter....." and I'd give in and call her.  Two years ago, she told me that she fully intended on turning my entire family against me, and wouldn't stop until she ruined my life.  I asked her why, and she laughed and said it was because I "suck" as a mother, and because I "deserve" it.  I was a single mother most of my life, raising three children, and did the best that I could, treated them well, and in the 90's went back to school and became an RN.  

I recently found out from two family members and also one of her friends, that she has told them that she has made it her goal to ruin my life, that I'm a horrible person.  She was calling all of them daily, telling them things to try and make them angry at me, and make them hate me (they told me this specifically).  One family member that she was calling daily, told her that if that's the only reason she's calling, to stop calling from now on.   Now she doesn't discuss me with that family member anymore.  However, the other family member did turn against me as instructed (a very passive minded person).  She has caused problems between me and ever member of my family over the years (she's super manipulative, and very good at it).  It got to the point (when I found out she was calling everyone, and also when a huge incident occured, that I stopped talking to her yet again last March.  I wrote her a letter and told her that as an adult, she is responsible for her behavior, and if she is going to continue doing this to me, I don't want a relationship with her at all anymore, and I am "done" dealing with these issues with her.  I had totally had it.  I was totally frustrated with her desire to "ruin my life", and "turn the family against" me.  I know she's my daughter, but as I had told her....you can only kick a dog so many times, before it "bites you"...ie: stops letting itself be kicked.  I was to that point in March.  I was "done", and stopped talking to her entirely.  Then it got worse.

She attempted to turn my father against me initially.  He didn't actually turn against me, but everytime he would talk to her on the phone, for the rest of that day, he would be very angry  at me, very rude to me, and he didn't know why---she had been indirectly and manipulately telling him things (I actually heard her one day when I was visiting him....the volume on my father's phone is set very loud since he's hard of hearing).  She turned my younger daughter against me.  My younger daughter and I use to have a good relationship....we barely speak now, because my younger daughter makes sarcastic comments to me all the time....comments that I can "hear" my older daughter behind every word spoken (words my younger daughter doesn't normally say on her own....she only speaks like this after talking to my older daughter).  My son refuses to listen to her thank God.  She also use to make negative comments about me to my husband right in front of me (he's not her father...we've been married almost ten years).  He finally told her to stop, and refused to listen to her....but she did try for months!

Now.....I just recently found out that now my brother won't speak to me because of my daughter.  He and I have always had a good relationship....never any problems between us.  But suddenly now, he won't speak to me, because I won't speak to my daughter.  Even though I've done nothing to him.  I've never even been given the opportunity to "defend" my position.  He has no idea what she's done to me I'm sure...but I've called, emailed, left messages...and he tells my father he deletes everything without listening/reading.   He would never tolerate a family member treating him the way she treats me, yet he now won't speak to me because I won't speak to my daughter.  My daughter has told me years ago (while laughing) that she and my brother have "long conversations" about me, and how "psychotic" I am.  (I'm definitely not psychotic....she got that word from being in and out of psychiatric hospitals as a teenager....she has major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, OCD, and anxiety disorder...yet my brother will take her word, and not even give me a chance to speak).  When she was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, the psychiatrists told me that she has a very distorted view of reality.

Obviously she's accomplishing her "goal in life" as she puts it, to turn my family against me.  My father has always raised me to believe that you can only trust your family, rely on your family, depend on your family.....and ONLY your family.  Well....that was all a lie obviously, because it is my family that has turned on me!  Now, just hearing her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  There has been so much damage done at this point, that I don't know if this can ever be repaired! You know.....I miss my daughter....the little girl that I raised.  I actually "mourn" the loss of that little girl.  This girl is so vindictive and hateful now, that I don't even know her anymore, and I cannot stand the person she has become!!!  My son has told me that she will never, ever apologize....that she says she has "nothing to apologize for".  What now????

Hate is a very strong word and I don't truly believe that you hate her, you dislike her and her behavior.  She obviously is mentally unstable and hopefully she is on medication to help her deal with her disorders.  I am not in your shoes and have never encountered this problem and I really feel for you.   What is really sad is that your family has turned against you knowing that she has issues which were confirmed by a doctor.   I would contact her physician and maybe he can adjust her meds as they are obviously not working.  For now, I think you need to let her go with the hopes that her physician can help her get back into reality if that is even possible.

Your younger daughter I certainly would not give up on.  She has been greatly influenced by her sister and so has your brother. 

All I can suggest is to get into counseling with a really good therpist who can help you diminish your anger towards a daughter that is mentally disabled.  Maybe a therapist can point you in the rigt direction or give you ideas as to how to emotionally deal with this and to help you repair the relationships that your daughter has ruined.

I have threatened on several occasions to resort to this hoping it would shock my family into addressing the problems that exists within our family.  I wish I could say the problems are the result of the deaths of our parents.  Unfortunately, the problems intensified with the death of our father in 1996.  They were perpetuated more by our mother, in my opinion, and have essentially  spiraled downward since her death in 2003.  Most of the siblings do not see our speak to each other.  They have all but divided into mini-camps but we all share and protect the same ugly, dark secrets that has all but destroed the familial relationships.  I have lived out of state since 1981 but thought it was important to foster a relationship with my family for my two, now adult daughters.  But for the benefit of knowing their grandparents, I have wasted so much time, money, energy, and emotion on "visits" home that were most often than not nightmares.  Needless to say, I am the "black sheep", a designation courtesy of my mother and enforced by most of my siblings.  I don't say that maliciously.  My only brother , a career criminal, is finally  serving a life sentence in prison after holding this family hostage almost his entire life.  Mothers and their sons.  One of my  adult nephews put a gun to his mothers head in a fir of rage.  Though we all know about it, we are forbidden to discuss it, he has never been confronted by any of the family, and his mother will fly into a shreiking rage if anyone treats him other than the "golden child" she pretends him to be.  My brother and at least three of my nephews are women beaters.  My brother physically abused our mother and father.  My siblings in their city did little or nothing.  Gotta keep the secret, keep up appearances.  Of course me and my big mouth, I get ostracized because I try to confront it and want to take action.  We don't talk about or try to intervene as a family when someone becomes addicted to drugs.  We are sworn to a secrecy that's ridiculous because everybody knows anyway, everybody.  One of my drug-addicted nieces recently lost custody of her 4 year old son.  Everybody knows about it, we never talk about.  We never intervened as a family because we all keep the secret.  Of course, me and my big mouth, I get ostracized by the family because I try ti intervene long distance.  Can't be a viable part of the family long distance, they say.  Two of my nieces that I know for sure have been molested by males close to their mothers.  Silence, no action, no healing, no accountability!  This is only the beginning.  I know I'm posting this on the messageboard and perhaps Dr. Phil and/or his staff will never view it but if there was ever a family who needed his intervention, this si certainly one.  One of the elements that makes this saga so unique, it has all occurred while everyone's running around trying to be the church ladies, evangelists, prima donnas ( oh, they're called divas now), and the favored one.  I've been a part of it too.  But rest assured...the worst thing I have done is a drop in the bucket, (wrong, nonetheless) compared to what has transpired within this family, and it was thirty years ago.  But that's the secret revelation on which my family is united. Reveal it to my daughters who were not even created until more than a decade after

my mistake.  I'm pretty confident my mother told them years ago in one of her regular ostracizings of me.  Oh, by the way, my daughters are 22 and 23 years old. I know my daughters  don't do drugs, may have a an occasional glass of wine.  One is in her third year of medical school.  And though not married, the other is mother to my beautiful 18 month old grandson, gainfully employed and has been since graduation from high school, and is in college part-time.  We can't celebrate that with the family.  If they misinterpret it as smug or anything like that, we get ostracized from the family.  We need to try to make this situation better.  Now that are parents are gone, I fear we won't even show up for one another's funerals. I don't know if angrier with them for being weak and delusional about keeping up a facade or with myself for not getting in their face about all this madness because they may ostracize my daughters and me more than we already are.

I would love to get some perspective.  My husband doesn't get along with his father. There are many reasons for this, mostly dating back to the way his father treated him when he was young --his father was very hard on him and hard on his mother, cheated on his mother and eventually left her for another woman, who he is married to now. He wasn't abusive, but my husband felt that he wasn't a good role model and just really doesn't like his father or his wife. For the last 10+ years, my husband has had almost no contact with his father, except for family weddings or funerals, where they are civil, but have no relationship other than that. (They live in different states, so avoidance is not too difficult) Also, I know my husband resents that his father has never accepted responsibilty or apologized to his children for the way he treated them as children or for cheating on their mother, or anything.

I have been married to my husband a few years and am not sure what my place should be in this situation.  My father in law does not put us in the middle (I have minimal relationship with him, because he has never really reached out, probably for fear of being shut out by my husband). However, I will say that he is not a bad person -- I think he just wants everything to be okay and doesn't understand that he needs to approach his children honestly and earnestly, accept responsibility for his past misgivings, etc.

Anyway, I know that there are times when he wants to start a relationship with my husband --either to go out to dinner or invite us to a family party. My husband would not want to go. He claims that he doesn't like or respect him or really want anything to do with him.

However, what should my place be in this situation? Should I accept these invitiations, or do I risk alienating my husband? When we have children, should they not be able to see their grandparents? This is somewhat of an ethical question ---is it my place to push a relationship between he and his dad?

 Is it my job to stress forgiveness, since our children will never know their grandfather? And I know that one day when his father is no longer on this earth, my husband may regret that they never had a relationship. Would love some perspective..

How do you explain to your child(ren) why they can not visit with thier Grandparents?

Here is the story.. I gave birth to a beautiful son 19 years ago... His father chose not to be there. No we were not married, nor really dating...Just sorta got together and I became with child.. I gave him a choice to be in his life or not... well he chose to be there for a time... Then He decided to get married when our son was 2yrs old.  After he married he told me he made a mistake ...I told him he was the only one who could fix that. He chose to stay with her. ... He would sneak over to see us from time to time.. She was very much against him seein his son..  I never bothered her unlike her..She would show up at my place of work.. I worked in a public place.. Anyways.. He always told me that his parents did not want anything to do with us, since we never married... since then he has gone on to have 3 more children... 3years ago my beautiful mom passed away... a year later I was in a funky mood..I sent a pic and a little information to his parents just to let them know that thier grandson was growing into a fine young man.. low and behold.. they had no idea that they had a grandson.. his sister knew and had been trying to find him for a while.. not knowing we lived a mile from their parents and that thier grandson was going to graduate from the same school as his father... well now that he is in his grandparents lives..his father will not let the other 3 grandchildren come to visit.. he now lives in Florida...The 3 children have no idea they have a big brother..yea this is the story... Because of something good for my son..his younger sisters and younger brother do not get to see grandma and grandpa anymore.Please Help!!!!

Your husband knows his father better than you and has probably given a great deal of thought to the situation over the years.  Find a time to discuss your concerns - the possible regrets, the wish for your children to have a large extended family, your impression that his father would like a good relationship - but be prepared to understand that your husband has decided that moving on from a difficult childhood is best achieved by putting a distance between him and his father.