Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I would love to get some perspective.  My husband doesn't get along with his father. There are many reasons for this, mostly dating back to the way his father treated him when he was young --his father was very hard on him and hard on his mother, cheated on his mother and eventually left her for another woman, who he is married to now. He wasn't abusive, but my husband felt that he wasn't a good role model and just really doesn't like his father or his wife. For the last 10+ years, my husband has had almost no contact with his father, except for family weddings or funerals, where they are civil, but have no relationship other than that. (They live in different states, so avoidance is not too difficult) Also, I know my husband resents that his father has never accepted responsibilty or apologized to his children for the way he treated them as children or for cheating on their mother, or anything.

I have been married to my husband a few years and am not sure what my place should be in this situation.  My father in law does not put us in the middle (I have minimal relationship with him, because he has never really reached out, probably for fear of being shut out by my husband). However, I will say that he is not a bad person -- I think he just wants everything to be okay and doesn't understand that he needs to approach his children honestly and earnestly, accept responsibility for his past misgivings, etc.

Anyway, I know that there are times when he wants to start a relationship with my husband --either to go out to dinner or invite us to a family party. My husband would not want to go. He claims that he doesn't like or respect him or really want anything to do with him.

However, what should my place be in this situation? Should I accept these invitiations, or do I risk alienating my husband? When we have children, should they not be able to see their grandparents? This is somewhat of an ethical question ---is it my place to push a relationship between he and his dad?

 Is it my job to stress forgiveness, since our children will never know their grandfather? And I know that one day when his father is no longer on this earth, my husband may regret that they never had a relationship. Would love some perspective..

How do you explain to your child(ren) why they can not visit with thier Grandparents?

Here is the story.. I gave birth to a beautiful son 19 years ago... His father chose not to be there. No we were not married, nor really dating...Just sorta got together and I became with child.. I gave him a choice to be in his life or not... well he chose to be there for a time... Then He decided to get married when our son was 2yrs old.  After he married he told me he made a mistake ...I told him he was the only one who could fix that. He chose to stay with her. ... He would sneak over to see us from time to time.. She was very much against him seein his son..  I never bothered her unlike her..She would show up at my place of work.. I worked in a public place.. Anyways.. He always told me that his parents did not want anything to do with us, since we never married... since then he has gone on to have 3 more children... 3years ago my beautiful mom passed away... a year later I was in a funky mood..I sent a pic and a little information to his parents just to let them know that thier grandson was growing into a fine young man.. low and behold.. they had no idea that they had a grandson.. his sister knew and had been trying to find him for a while.. not knowing we lived a mile from their parents and that thier grandson was going to graduate from the same school as his father... well now that he is in his grandparents lives..his father will not let the other 3 grandchildren come to visit.. he now lives in Florida...The 3 children have no idea they have a big brother..yea this is the story... Because of something good for my son..his younger sisters and younger brother do not get to see grandma and grandpa anymore.Please Help!!!!

Listen, you cant save the world- you have no control over what choices this man makes! He is cutting off his nose to spite his face- he is making a terrible decision, and the only people who will suffer from the decision is his precious children; you dont have an ounce of control over that decision. Your only responsibility is to your son. You cant go back in time, but if you could, would you take this all back? Just curious.

This is very hard for me to come here and talk about but I really do not know what I should do.My daughter is 27 years old and has been married for 8 years now.I love and adore my son-in-law like one of my very own kids.This summer my daughter decided to have an affair with a man that is my age.She's still living with her husband.I begged her if she was not still in love with her husband to please leave him before she started seeing someone else.Well she didn't listen to me and now I'm stuck in the middle knowing what she is doing.It kills me knowing what she is doing behind her husbands back.My daughter resently told my 19 year old son about the affair she's having and now my son is feeling guilty know what's going on.I feel I can't turn my back on my daughter and tell her husband.I'm almost sure it would end their relationship.Her husband has been so good to her.She says he's changed over the years.I agree with her but he only changed because of her.She is a very self centered person.Thinking only of herself.The new man in her family is married with two kids.His wife has recently found out about his affair.I know it's just a matter of time before my daughters husband finds out what is going on.I don't want him to hate me and my son for not telling him what is going on.What am I suppose to do? I honestly don't have a clue.I've told my daughter to leave her husband if she is not happy with him but she said she doesn't want to give up her security she has with him.She won't make a move until this other man leaves his wife.Even though his wife has found out about them seeing one another he continues to see my daughter.

Do any of you have any advise to offer? 

There are way too many variables in the situation to give you a pat answer; however, you should attempt to slowly enhance, or improve the relationship, so that the main thing, what is better for the children, can wind up being the main concern for you and your grown children.  

I have dealt with a situation similar to what you are going through, and everyone told me to not rock the boat,  by having a chance of losing any contact with my granddaughter. I chose to confront, and take that risk, otherwise, I felt, I would have to be at the mercy of my daughter, the rest of my granddaughter's childhood,  and by then without a relationship with my granddaughter, she would probably not have the interest in having contact with me. 

It kind of worked out for me. I have more time with my granddaughter, but my daughter in the beginning, did threaten me with not seeing my granddaughter. She eventually need my help and came to me with conditions I did not feel was within my ability to live with, so I refused, and she finally came around. I feel I was lucky, and it could have totally gone the other way. 

You just have to use your judgment, know how they may act, and if things get worse, give them time to cool down, and rethink things, and they may, as my daughter did,  come around. If not,  some states have grandparents laws, at least I think they still exist, and then you could consider that. 

One of my concerns is why both of your children are having the same reaction? Maybe you need to do some introspection, and see if there are things you may need to change as far as your behavior, as these children are THEIRS to raise, and you can suggest, but Mom and Dad, have the last word, and accept it.  You may not agree with their parenting skills, but unless any real harm is coming to the children, you may want to stay clear of that subject.  

My daughter is not raising my granddaughter the way I would like, but my granddaughter is well adjusted, so something is going  right. 

I hope this helps. Good luck, and please keep us posted, as I am sure there are plenty out here with situations close, and would love to know how you handle it, as well as the outcome. 

I am sorry your daughter has put you and your son in the middle of this however it really is not your place to tell her husband.  That is her job.  Eventually her husband will find out and she will suffer the consequences.  The only thing I wouldn't do is allow her to use you or your son as her alibi.  Tell her she is on her own and you will not cover up for her.  When the roof falls down on her head, and it will,  that you will not be there for her to pick up the pieces.  She obviously thinks she knows it all and will learn a really hard life lesson here. 

As you know all people change, but to go outside of your marriage instead of working in your marriage deserves no sympathy.  At 27 she has a lot of growing up to do.

I would like to share this and would like to know what your thoughts are on the matter.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years   now, we have 4 children, 3 of my kids belong to a previous marriage, and 1 is my husband and mine, if that makes sense. We have not spoken to "HIS" parents for over 2 years due to a family fall out,  until recently due to a funeral. My husbands POP died, NOW, his mum, my MIL was not even going to tell him that his pop had died, she was going to deny him knowing.Lucky a caring family friend let him know. To try cut a long story short, the fall out was because my MIL would not back out of our relationship, she had to be in control, and I was never good enough, she expected us to "ATTEND" every family get together and got the hump really bad if we didnt, it was impossible to keep her happy, we have a life to you know, my husband and I hardly ever get anytime alone, and when we tried, she wanted our time to be with them... My husband went over there and had it out with her, told her to give us some space, stop expecting so much of us, things we couldnt live up too, well she got the hump about that and didnt talk to us for over 2 weeks at that time, blamed me for the fall out, saying I TOOK her son and grandson away from them, I was totally in shock about it all, I use to cry all the time from the stress with her.. My husbands dad rang asking why we were ignoring them. Then my husband  really got annoyed and said it was "MUM" She got angry because I told her to back off..

Well that was the beginning of world war 3..They didnt like what we had said, or how we felt, it was there way or the high way. So here we are until recently with NO CONTACT until now, until the funeral. Anyway Hubby went, was very emotional for him..His mum and dad were still stand offish. His Dad said to him after the funeral, "WILL YOU RING YOUR MOTHER" My husband said, will MUM ring and  talk with my wife ( me) and his dad said "NO" thats not going to happen, so my husband said, WELL, then things are NOT going to change, he said My Wife and I come as a package, NOT just me.. Thas what my hubby said..I was so proud of him, I know hes hurting over all of this..

Why does she have to be like this, so stubborn, un-caring, is she going to let another death in the family wake her up.. Iv posted this becuase i ask myself, SHALL I make the first move, but its NOT what she wants, she only wants her SON and her GRANDSON in her life..Thats it, no me...

You know This is my Hubby, and my family too..She doesnt care about how she is hurting everyone..I just wanted to share this anyway..Whats your thoughts on it?????

What should we do????

I agree with you 100% about everything you wrote.Now when things do fall apart how do I explain to my son-in-law about me knowing the whole time about what was going on?

Thanks for replying!