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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

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August 29, 2005, 3:44 pm CDT

I kind of know how you are feeling...

Quote From: tnhorton

Oh, & let me add...... 

  

It's not the "things of his" that bothers me. Reason why I say this is because my sister was his executor of estate & said that he wanted me to have certain things & passed them along to me, as well as a check that I got in the mail. So this is not a material issue. I could care a less about any of that. I mean it was nice to have some of his things, but it is the fact that "he cut me out". It was like saying that he didn't love me anymore, or disowned me as his daughter. Just simply hurt my feelings.  

I kind of know how you are feeling, as I had a rocky relationship with my father as well. My father was extremely abusive towards me, in fact I would say it bordered on torture at times. The difference is that I was able to have a relationship with my father the last three years of his life.     

     

My father showed such a difference between my brother and I , that it was like my brother was his only child. In the later years, my father did apologize to me, without explanation, for the way he treated me while I was growing up. He often said, in his later years, that he always felt it would be my brother that would be taking care of him in the later years. When my father became ill, (asbestosis and pneumonia) my brother didn't ever call him, and in fact my father passed without having contact with my brother.    

     

Unlike your father, to everyone else that knew my father, he was one of the kindest, mildest, gentlest person they knew. In fact to a few people I later shared how my father had treated me while growing up, some found it difficult to believe, while others refuse to believe it, as they could not comprehend such behavior from this man. This kind of magnified how he treated me, as to everyone else he was so kind.    

     

With all the poor treatment I received from this man, I direct my focus on those good times I did have with him. Although I was a grown man, I was like a child at finally receiving the love I always wanted from this man.    

     

I think you need to do the very thing you mentioned in your post. I think you need to focus on the good memories you do have with him. Even though your relationship was estranged, he was attempting to repair the relationship, he just was not able to finish the journey, because death took him before he was able to complete it.    

     

I don't know you, nor your father, but I am a father of a daughter that I have a rocky relationship with at the present time. Even though I have great problems with the lack of respect my daughter shows me, and I at times am hard towards my daughter, I assure you, it is not because I don't love my daughter. Even though I am aware of not having the closeness with my daughter I would love to have, I realize that my actions are nothing more than  my feeble attempt to protect myself from being hurt by her, more than anything else.    

     

The way your describe your father, I would venture to say, he probably had difficulty in expressing his emotions, and like I do at times with my own daughter, his lashing out at you, had more to do with his fear of being hurt, than not loving you. I think deep down you know that his actions just prior to him passing was his way of attempting to repair the relationship he had with you. A will, written at a time when he was hurt and angry, has nothing to do with his feelings towards you at the end.    

     

You can't un-ring a bell, and you can't bring back the dead, but you can keep your focus on the good memories you do have of your father,  and at the same time,  know in your heart of hearts that if time had permitted, your relationship would have grown to be that special relationship you so wanted with your father. I think partly you would just like some sort of validation that your father did in fact love you.     

     

I can only speak as a father that loves his daughter so very much, but at the same time can't always put aside my fear of being hurt long enough to cherish the time I can spend with my daughter. I think your father did love you. At this point in time, again, all you can do is cherish the good memories you do have with your father. Keep your focus on that, as well as know that he was attempting to rekindle that relationship he did have with you when those good memories you DO have, were fresh.    

     

I don't know if this will help. IT may be more ramblings than an answer, but I will tell you this, your post has opened my own eyes, and given me fodder for ensuring my daughter does not have to some time down the road, question the very things you are having to deal with at the present. Good luck, and may you rest assured that time we are not promised was the only thing that stood in the way of your dream, as well as his coming to past   

 
August 29, 2005, 5:01 pm CDT

Juballl

 Your reply brought a tear to my eye. Isn't it funny how sometimes posting can help you, maybe even more than the person you're replying to?
 
August 30, 2005, 12:10 pm CDT

Thanks for your concerns, and yes, I think posting on these boards are helpful for both....

Quote From: ritehere

 Your reply brought a tear to my eye. Isn't it funny how sometimes posting can help you, maybe even more than the person you're replying to?
Thanks for your concerns, and yes, I think posting on these boards are helpful for both the one posting for advice, and the one offering it. In this case, as I am sure in many others, it helped to see some insight in my own life. Sometimes for all of us, it is easier to see something in someone else's life, than if we are only looking at our on.
 
September 4, 2005, 7:28 pm CDT

just want to talk

  • I am just having one of those days when I feel alone.  My daughter is at her friends for the night.  My husband and his son are out-of-town and I am tired.  I miss my parents and my younger sister, just had my 45th birthday, lost my job after 2 1/2 years, found another one the same day, that is actually better.  It is raining outside and I'm feeling low.  I don't know why but I just wanted to say it so I could feel better.  I'm not sure it helped, but I know it could not hurt. 
 
September 7, 2005, 11:55 am CDT

similar but different

I am 30 and have been trying to work it out with the mother of my children and it seems to go good until her family hers that we are talking or anything then they start yelling and screaming at her and telling her that we will never work,  AND THEN THEY THREATEN HER THAT IF SHE COMES BACK TOME THEN THEY WILL DISOWN HER AND OUR CHILDREN. Then she goes into one of her rage states and calls me at work or where ever i am and starts yelling at me about everything and she will not talk to me for a day or 2 then we are ok and we kinda start up were we left off but his has to stop and i have told her i will never ask her to choose. with out just leaving everything alone and walking away can some one help me
 
September 8, 2005, 7:29 am CDT

Good intentions

Quote From: kcgoodson

I am 30 and have been trying to work it out with the mother of my children and it seems to go good until her family hers that we are talking or anything then they start yelling and screaming at her and telling her that we will never work,  AND THEN THEY THREATEN HER THAT IF SHE COMES BACK TOME THEN THEY WILL DISOWN HER AND OUR CHILDREN. Then she goes into one of her rage states and calls me at work or where ever i am and starts yelling at me about everything and she will not talk to me for a day or 2 then we are ok and we kinda start up were we left off but his has to stop and i have told her i will never ask her to choose. with out just leaving everything alone and walking away can some one help me
 Sounds like your heart is in the right place. What everybody needs to keep in mind in a divorce situation is the welfare of the kids, and sadly that doesn't always happen. People too often get entrenched in the petty back-biting, revenge, and character assassination with the children caught in the cross-fire.
Have you considered getting some counseling? Ideally, if you could get the ex and the kids to go with you it would be the best of all worlds. Even if you can't get her to go, and go by yourself, you could get some fresh, outside, perspective on the situation, and some new ways to approach it maybe. We can't control how others are going to act, we can only change and control ourselves, and influence them.
 
September 8, 2005, 11:24 am CDT

Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: johnster

Is this the right place to look for advice on step-parenting?  My wife has a 14 year old daughter that is sweet, talented and smart . . . but spoiled, according to my estimations.  I have big problems dealing with this.  It makes me mad when she doesn't act like I expect her to, yet I don't want to put any bad ideas in my wife's head about having a bad relationship with her daughter.  The daughter often seems distant towards me when we're alone, and somewhat more loving when her mom's around.  I don't know what is normal for teenagers behavior.  I have no children of my own.  We could go days without speaking to each other.  She does her thing and I do mine.  Thank goodness I work nights and don't have to be around them in the evenings.  I sometimes leave for work early so I don't have to be around her.  I want to be a loving dad to her, but just don't like her much.  I'd like to change my attitude towards her and have a happy home life.  any advise is welcome.

Johnster, step-parenting is simply tough. I am blessed (to have been a step child, a step mother, and now deal with my daughter and her step father) in that I have so many points of view that others have not seen or experienced.  What comes up first for me is to thank you for not only being a step parent, but to have sought out help as so many would not bother.   

  

The responses I have read are wonderful. Don't give up and keep trying to let her know it's ok for you two to be friendly.  If you two really do not like each other, I wonder if lightly approaching the subject, "Let's agree we don't like each other right now, but let's keep it light and ease the tension?" would help.  Make sure you include a grin in that conversation... 

  

Keep in mind that if you had a step son, you would be facing different issues. My daughter can be more comfortable at her father's house where she naturally hugs her dad and easily hug her step mother than she can hug her step father here at our house. Many issues get in the way for most daughters to be naturally demonstrative with step fathers, from the fear of any misunderstandings (sexual abuse runs rampant in the news) to feeling disloyal to their real father if the company of a step father is truly enjoyed.  

  

Beware of your expectations, too. They are YOUR expectations. My daughter is also 'spoiled' much to my new partner's dislike, but he has learned it is best to address issues quietly to me, or not at all. We have all learned to do the best we can, and keep working to make all our relationships better, instead of throwing in the towel.  

  

Hope this helped. Wishing you luck, understanding, patience and endurance. 

 
September 8, 2005, 6:10 pm CDT

Well it does sound like you are okay, and I think we all find times....

Quote From: imokayme2

  • I am just having one of those days when I feel alone.  My daughter is at her friends for the night.  My husband and his son are out-of-town and I am tired.  I miss my parents and my younger sister, just had my 45th birthday, lost my job after 2 1/2 years, found another one the same day, that is actually better.  It is raining outside and I'm feeling low.  I don't know why but I just wanted to say it so I could feel better.  I'm not sure it helped, but I know it could not hurt. 
Well it does sound like you are  okay, and I think we all find times we all feel alone. It is great we have an avenue to express this, and I think it is those times we feel alone, that helps us appreciate the people we do have in our lives that fill up those voids we would have without them. Thanks for sharing
 
September 9, 2005, 7:10 am CDT

Fearing the end...

I lie to most all the time to my hubby.  About us...he's a 30 year old, stay at home dad of 4.  I'm 23, and I work a full time job and pt job to pay the bills (not making nearly enough money).  He asks when we are going to get ahead, and in my denial and fear of upsetting him, i always tell him what he wants to hear...this month huni.  I'm tired of seeing us nothing but depressed.  I cheer us up by telling him, we'll have a car soon, we'll have extra money soon.  I see that he knows i'm lying now, but how to tell him that i'm just bullsh*tting him, so that he remains happy.  I've done this from the beginning of our relationship.  I thought I could do it all, but I just can't.  I work in a commission based job during the day, in which i do not see my commissions, because they are going toward obtaining a business.  I get a base rate of $10, but with prices the way they are these days, that's like minimum wage.  I also work a pt job making $7.30, but i only get a few hours so the checks aren't really worth the time i miss from my family.  I just want to be straight forward with him, but i know it will bring us down!  If i keep lying I may lose him...What can i do?
 
September 9, 2005, 10:39 am CDT

Honorable intentions, but......

Quote From: mommyto4

I lie to most all the time to my hubby.  About us...he's a 30 year old, stay at home dad of 4.  I'm 23, and I work a full time job and pt job to pay the bills (not making nearly enough money).  He asks when we are going to get ahead, and in my denial and fear of upsetting him, i always tell him what he wants to hear...this month huni.  I'm tired of seeing us nothing but depressed.  I cheer us up by telling him, we'll have a car soon, we'll have extra money soon.  I see that he knows i'm lying now, but how to tell him that i'm just bullsh*tting him, so that he remains happy.  I've done this from the beginning of our relationship.  I thought I could do it all, but I just can't.  I work in a commission based job during the day, in which i do not see my commissions, because they are going toward obtaining a business.  I get a base rate of $10, but with prices the way they are these days, that's like minimum wage.  I also work a pt job making $7.30, but i only get a few hours so the checks aren't really worth the time i miss from my family.  I just want to be straight forward with him, but i know it will bring us down!  If i keep lying I may lose him...What can i do?

You need to ask yourself some serious questions: Why is it up to you to make everyone else happy? What makes YOU happy? Why do you have to do this all by yourself? Why would you "lose him" (your words) by being honest... after all, these are only facts you are speaking of, for example, the wages that you earn. Why would he leave you about that... you can't make the wage higher, thats out of your control! Be honest with yourself. There are solutions to your situation, you've got to open up your minds, both of you, in order to pull through these hard times. 

Its honorable that your husband is a stay at home father. Is it possible that he could get a second shift job that pays more then your second shift job, this way you can be home more and he can get out more? His depression isn't only due to lack of money, its also due to lack of connection/contact with other people out in the world. Having a job, even a part time one, can help fulfill that need. It will give you time to be home with your children, there are things that they need from you that they can't get from dad. No child can get all their needs met from one parent.  

This must be very difficult for you, its obvious that you feel torn, but you don't need to do this to yourself. There is no need to be a martyr. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in life, and you do not deserve to live with these feelings of doom all the time! No wonder you are depressed. You need to be gentle with yourself. You can't do it all!  

Just one more interesting fact: Women only make 70% of what men make (or in your case, could make) out in the working force... that means it is more profitable for your husband to work instead of you, and you guys could get out of your financial trouble sooner rather then later, or maybe never, with you working for the wages that you are making. 

 
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