Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Hi

We have been separated for over 3 years and have a 6 year old son that lives with her. I recently told my ex that I miss her and our family. It was very emotional for me because it has been building up inside of my for a long time about my feelings. It came from my heart and she was caught off guard and was stunned and confused. She has recently started dating someone and told me she was happy. I did ask her if there was even a slight possibility we could slowly build our life together as a couple I would like to know. If it is over please tell me immediately. She has not closed the door or she has not told me yet.  I also wrote my feelings and thoughts and left her a card a few days ago. I live about 2 hours away and I see our son every weekend so we have always been in contact with each other face to face and verbally. Any thoughts on what I should do or not do? She also said she was glad I shared my thoughts with her and said it was the right thing to do.  

Sometimes it's hard to close our door for our parents since for so many years we've been taught to respect and love them. But there's certain conditions that you'd close your heart and move on with your lives. Mental problems or whatever you called it is something really difficult to deal with. If we're not strong enough, sooner or later we'll be like one of them. I had a bad experience with my husband's family. My husband and his 3 brothers had been raised by a single mother who has mental problems. Now they all grown up and fought each other. The mother knew the problems but still being denial.

She attacked us mentally and my husband couldn't stop her. Finally, we made our decision....we packed our staffs and never look back again. We have 4yo son that need his mom and dad to be healthy mentally. Don't feel guilty....that's absolutely right. We all have choices.

I need some help and some advice on something that's been bothering me for a while now.  About a year ago I got married and that is where this whole mess started.  That day was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life and it has ruined many things.  That was the day I decided to stand up for myself to my new sister-in-law, who has 4 children and believes that everything in her life is more important that anything in anyone else's.  This woman had a mini-meltdown in the middle of my reception after having a fight with our other sister-in-law.  She decided to come and interupt me in the middle of my reception while i was dancing with my guests to cry to me about her fight she just had and how this days was horrible for her she didn't feel well and she needed to go home.  So i told her to stop it and just go then!  She got more upset and i appologized and tried to comfort her, then she made another side comment at me and i told her to leave again... she did finally and we haven't talked since then.  It's been almost a year and I have made many attempts to talk with her and reconcile things so that we can be a family like we were before.  But she refuses to budge and has completely cut me and my husband out of her life and her children.  She refuses to let us see them or anything.  They live about 5 block away from us in a small town and our paths do cross but she hides her children and practically runs the other way.  She tells people i am horribly mean and that i am a bad influence on her children and that i did this to myself.  I have let a lot of the hurtful things she has said to me over this past year go, but I am still attempting to fix this family.  I am going to have a baby in February and would really like my child to know their cousins and know that they do have family out there.  It's just frustrating!!! 

Thanks for reading this, I really want some help or advice. 

If it just sounds like i'm complaining about this woman... let me tell you... i haven't even told you the half of it... if you are interested, i've got more!

You know what they say - you can't choose your family!  I understand your initial efforts to put an end to all of this but since you have received no response from her I really think you need to let go of it.   She obviously has some serious issues and likes chaos and conflicts in her life.  My sister goes through year after year with hr SIL as well and  has finally decided that she is simply not worth the effort anymore, she has more important things to pour her energy into.  You may ask your husband to talk with her but I've got a feeling it won't do any good. 

Stop wasting your time and energy on her and start focusing on the people in your life who are worthy of your attention.

5 years ago on my 30th birthday my husband thought he had caught me messing around with another guy.  Such was not the case.  He let his imagination get the best of him.  He escalated a situation that was very simple into something way crazy.  He packed my things for me and kicked me out for a day.  Then called me begging me back. So I took him back because I loved him then as I do now.  We now have a beautiful 3 yr. old son together and we have been married for 8 and a half yrs.  To this day he still insists that I had an affair(which I did not).  I am not allowed to go out with friends,  I have to call home on all my breaks and lunches,  he doesn't want me sitting with any of my co-workers at lunch or break.  In the last year he has cut me off from my girlfriend across the street. I can in no way contact her or he threatenes divorce.  I absolutely love my job and I never miss a day.  My job is the only outside communication I have with the world. Recently he started working where I do, but on different shifts. So now he sees all the people that I have informed him of.  I have kept him informed of everything that goes on at work so he will never think I am hiding anything. What a good wife...right? or not? Today one of my co-workers was leaving to take a job somewhere else.  All of us on my crew were to go to the bar for a quick drink to say goodbye and keep in touch , yadda yadda yadda, to show our appreciation for having met and worked with this guy.  He has been an inspiration to us all with his weight loss in the last year( he lost 134 lbs since last November...wow!) we are all so proud of him. He is very married and speaks of his lovely wife often. ............long story short, I really wanted to go and had made arrangements and everything and my husband FORBID me to go and said if I did i would be signing my divorce papers by the end of the month.  What do I do to get him to get over the alleged affair he 'thinks' I had? He is making my life absolutely miserable. He has shown me no affection ( hugs and kisses just because) in almost 5 years.  I need this kind of love not just sex.  What can I do to fix this??? 

You've be allowing him to control your every move for 5 years.  He has isolated you from everything and anything that brings joy into your life and you've allowed him to do so.  You've told him countless times that you did not have an affair.  This will never end.  There is absolutely nothing more you could say and do to make him believe you.  You will be living this miseable existance with a man who doesn't trust you until...............  It's definately time to take back your life, you aren't living, you are just existing under his control.  I'd suggest you both get into counseling asap.  If he won't go, you go alone.  If a therapist can't make him realize that his behaviors are unacceptable then you have 2 choices.  To live in prison the rest of your life for a crime you didn't commit or divorce him and start living again.  This isn't a marriage based on love, trust and respect - this is a dysfunctional marriage where two people are essentially living under the same roof in complete misery,

My daughter says what I have done is "Unforgiveable".   I just don't understand how some people can be the way they are.  I was brought up with very clear values regarding respect of elders and feel I have been treated totally like a piece of dirt.  My daughter continues to disrespect me - scream at me, berate me verbally and mentally abuse me.  I feel like I am being used for my money and when my daughter doesn't get what she wants she denies me visitation with my grandchildren.  Now I am not allowed to see the children at all - she says "for the rest of my life.  I have gone out of my way to keep 3 rental income properties going for over 2-1/2 years now.  My son-in-law is 1/2 owner in these properties and has not contributed a single penny.  I am attempting to work out a resolution with a mortgage company to modify the payment - or get it refinanced so that the payment can be more affordable, but I cannot refinance on my own because my expenses are over $5,000 a month more than my income (disability income).  My son-in-law and daughter have, ONCE AGAIN, lied and manipulated me into making two more mortgage payments from my retirement account (I'm on disability due to a severe back injury) They have promised that they would make a payment - NOT HAPPENING.  My daughter said if I paid July they would pay August.  Then my son-in-law said he didn't have enough money to make the August payment - so, once again, I paid it (am I stupid or just naive?).   My son-in-law CLAIMS to have someone interested in buying one of he houses, but will not give me, OR THE REALTOR, any information about these people.  I feel completely violated - I know that no one can control me unless I allow them to, and I continue to fall for their lies and empty promises.  I feel like such a fool.  My son-in-law was supposed to send in his income and expense information to the mortgage company so we could qualify for a "loan modification" to prevent the house from going into foreclosure.  The ONLY reason he is even agreeing to this is because they (my daughter and son-in-law) want to buy a new house and have the kids go to a better school district.  I AGREE WITH THAT.  I would love to see them move to a different school district, however, NOT AT MY EXPENSE ANYMORE.  My son-in-law and daughter live the "high life" and I have been paying for it for far too long.  I am draining my investment accounts and retirement money just to keep the houses going.  My expenses are over $5,000 a month more than my disability income and I cannot qualify on my own for even a refinance.  However, my son-in-law STILL has not sent in his income information to the mortgage company so that we could possibly get a modification.  I JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL THAT I HAVE FALLEN FOR HIS LIES ONCE AGAIN - AND SINCE I MADE TWO MORTGAGE PAYMENTS (totaling $2,200) IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO GET THE MONEY FOR MY MONTHLY EXPENSES.  The mortgage company said that someone named "Marianne" spoke to me on 9/4/07 - NOT TRUE - The only person I spoke to that day was a woman by the name of Annie.  I write down every single person I speak with, their extension, their department, the time I speak with them and what is said in the conversation.  I NEVER SPOKE WITH THAT WOMAN THAT DAY, yet the mortgage company files show that she spoke with ME.  NOT POSSIBLE.  I just feel so betrayed.  I have been called "selfish", a "pathological liar", and a drug addict  by my daughter and son-in-law (I'M 14 YEARS CLEAN & SOBER) and many many more nasty things that I cannot even put on paper, and I cannot take it anymore.  I need to keep reminding myself that after paying almost $100,000 (it has grown from $85,000) that they continue to call me "selfish".  I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, HOWEVER, my daughter gets her nails done every few weeks, her eyebrows waxed, they have taken 6 vacations in the last 1-1/2 years,  remodeled their kitchen, added a patio and new furniture....and the list goes on.  I have had to resort to cashing in change to pay some of my own personal expenses as well as draining my retirement account.  YET I AM THE VILLIAN and THEY WILL NOT LET ME SEE MY GRANDCHILREN.  They are holding them hostage for money and a bigger, better house - and in turn I keep falling for their sob stories of not having enough money to make a mortgage payment for these homes.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  Should I let it go into foreclosure?  Should I keep throwing good money after bad?  Do I continue to allow them to control my thoughts, actions and emotions?  I think it's about time I stood up for myself and put an end to this - BUT THEN I'M THE SELFISH "B____" THAT WON'T ALLOW THEM TO MOVE TO A NEW HOUSE.  Is it my responsibility to support them?  A friend of mine said I should "do the right thing" and pay the mortgages and let them move - I have no problem with them moving - but am I supposed to continue to let them hold me hostage and use the children as pawns to control my actions?  Isn't there something wrong with this picture?  Am I wrong in wanting my son-in-law (who is 32 years old and has a good job as a Financial Advisor) to own up to his commitment and financial responsibility to the investment houses?  OR do I go broke supporting the investments and leave myself with nothing?  Am I being selfish or just taking care of myself?  I'm beginning to question my own self-worth and values because of this.  I don't think it's my responsibility to continue to support my daughter and her husband by making all these payments on my own.  He went into this willingly and aware of what the expenses would be, and it has only been since April that I have begun to ask him to help out financially.  AM I WRONG?  I'm just very confused - AM I BEING SELLFISH OR SHOULD HE BE TAKING ON THE BURDEN ALSO SO I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF?

I think they need to grow up and start acting like adults!! What they are doing is not good example to those kids! The kids being used as a bribing weapon is only going to hurt the kids! Kids are the innocent victims in this whole thing! I know what it's like to pretty much grow up without a grandma! It's not a very pleasant thing! So You should stick your guns, tell them to think of children and don't give in!

If you really believe in your heart that you really didn't do anything wrong, just go on with your life loving him! Keep showing that you're completely faithful! (do that by not doing anything like that again!!) Just show him affection and hopefully he comes around! And if he doesn't.... well you'll have to make that decision whether or not your marriage is worth saving! If you feel it is.. Have you guys tried counseling? It works wonders! Depending on if you're able to of course!