Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

You've be allowing him to control your every move for 5 years.  He has isolated you from everything and anything that brings joy into your life and you've allowed him to do so.  You've told him countless times that you did not have an affair.  This will never end.  There is absolutely nothing more you could say and do to make him believe you.  You will be living this miseable existance with a man who doesn't trust you until...............  It's definately time to take back your life, you aren't living, you are just existing under his control.  I'd suggest you both get into counseling asap.  If he won't go, you go alone.  If a therapist can't make him realize that his behaviors are unacceptable then you have 2 choices.  To live in prison the rest of your life for a crime you didn't commit or divorce him and start living again.  This isn't a marriage based on love, trust and respect - this is a dysfunctional marriage where two people are essentially living under the same roof in complete misery,

My daughter says what I have done is "Unforgiveable".   I just don't understand how some people can be the way they are.  I was brought up with very clear values regarding respect of elders and feel I have been treated totally like a piece of dirt.  My daughter continues to disrespect me - scream at me, berate me verbally and mentally abuse me.  I feel like I am being used for my money and when my daughter doesn't get what she wants she denies me visitation with my grandchildren.  Now I am not allowed to see the children at all - she says "for the rest of my life.  I have gone out of my way to keep 3 rental income properties going for over 2-1/2 years now.  My son-in-law is 1/2 owner in these properties and has not contributed a single penny.  I am attempting to work out a resolution with a mortgage company to modify the payment - or get it refinanced so that the payment can be more affordable, but I cannot refinance on my own because my expenses are over $5,000 a month more than my income (disability income).  My son-in-law and daughter have, ONCE AGAIN, lied and manipulated me into making two more mortgage payments from my retirement account (I'm on disability due to a severe back injury) They have promised that they would make a payment - NOT HAPPENING.  My daughter said if I paid July they would pay August.  Then my son-in-law said he didn't have enough money to make the August payment - so, once again, I paid it (am I stupid or just naive?).   My son-in-law CLAIMS to have someone interested in buying one of he houses, but will not give me, OR THE REALTOR, any information about these people.  I feel completely violated - I know that no one can control me unless I allow them to, and I continue to fall for their lies and empty promises.  I feel like such a fool.  My son-in-law was supposed to send in his income and expense information to the mortgage company so we could qualify for a "loan modification" to prevent the house from going into foreclosure.  The ONLY reason he is even agreeing to this is because they (my daughter and son-in-law) want to buy a new house and have the kids go to a better school district.  I AGREE WITH THAT.  I would love to see them move to a different school district, however, NOT AT MY EXPENSE ANYMORE.  My son-in-law and daughter live the "high life" and I have been paying for it for far too long.  I am draining my investment accounts and retirement money just to keep the houses going.  My expenses are over $5,000 a month more than my disability income and I cannot qualify on my own for even a refinance.  However, my son-in-law STILL has not sent in his income information to the mortgage company so that we could possibly get a modification.  I JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL THAT I HAVE FALLEN FOR HIS LIES ONCE AGAIN - AND SINCE I MADE TWO MORTGAGE PAYMENTS (totaling $2,200) IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO GET THE MONEY FOR MY MONTHLY EXPENSES.  The mortgage company said that someone named "Marianne" spoke to me on 9/4/07 - NOT TRUE - The only person I spoke to that day was a woman by the name of Annie.  I write down every single person I speak with, their extension, their department, the time I speak with them and what is said in the conversation.  I NEVER SPOKE WITH THAT WOMAN THAT DAY, yet the mortgage company files show that she spoke with ME.  NOT POSSIBLE.  I just feel so betrayed.  I have been called "selfish", a "pathological liar", and a drug addict  by my daughter and son-in-law (I'M 14 YEARS CLEAN & SOBER) and many many more nasty things that I cannot even put on paper, and I cannot take it anymore.  I need to keep reminding myself that after paying almost $100,000 (it has grown from $85,000) that they continue to call me "selfish".  I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, HOWEVER, my daughter gets her nails done every few weeks, her eyebrows waxed, they have taken 6 vacations in the last 1-1/2 years,  remodeled their kitchen, added a patio and new furniture....and the list goes on.  I have had to resort to cashing in change to pay some of my own personal expenses as well as draining my retirement account.  YET I AM THE VILLIAN and THEY WILL NOT LET ME SEE MY GRANDCHILREN.  They are holding them hostage for money and a bigger, better house - and in turn I keep falling for their sob stories of not having enough money to make a mortgage payment for these homes.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  Should I let it go into foreclosure?  Should I keep throwing good money after bad?  Do I continue to allow them to control my thoughts, actions and emotions?  I think it's about time I stood up for myself and put an end to this - BUT THEN I'M THE SELFISH "B____" THAT WON'T ALLOW THEM TO MOVE TO A NEW HOUSE.  Is it my responsibility to support them?  A friend of mine said I should "do the right thing" and pay the mortgages and let them move - I have no problem with them moving - but am I supposed to continue to let them hold me hostage and use the children as pawns to control my actions?  Isn't there something wrong with this picture?  Am I wrong in wanting my son-in-law (who is 32 years old and has a good job as a Financial Advisor) to own up to his commitment and financial responsibility to the investment houses?  OR do I go broke supporting the investments and leave myself with nothing?  Am I being selfish or just taking care of myself?  I'm beginning to question my own self-worth and values because of this.  I don't think it's my responsibility to continue to support my daughter and her husband by making all these payments on my own.  He went into this willingly and aware of what the expenses would be, and it has only been since April that I have begun to ask him to help out financially.  AM I WRONG?  I'm just very confused - AM I BEING SELLFISH OR SHOULD HE BE TAKING ON THE BURDEN ALSO SO I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF?

I think they need to grow up and start acting like adults!! What they are doing is not good example to those kids! The kids being used as a bribing weapon is only going to hurt the kids! Kids are the innocent victims in this whole thing! I know what it's like to pretty much grow up without a grandma! It's not a very pleasant thing! So You should stick your guns, tell them to think of children and don't give in!

If you really believe in your heart that you really didn't do anything wrong, just go on with your life loving him! Keep showing that you're completely faithful! (do that by not doing anything like that again!!) Just show him affection and hopefully he comes around! And if he doesn't.... well you'll have to make that decision whether or not your marriage is worth saving! If you feel it is.. Have you guys tried counseling? It works wonders! Depending on if you're able to of course!

I really appreciate your affirmation that I'm doing the right thing.  They really had be beginning to believe their lies were true.  I agree - THEY NEED TO GROW UP.  It was also reaffirmed to me today when I called the mortgage company to find out what other information they needed to modifiy the loan and they said that they had never received ANY INFORMATION AT ALL FROM MY SON-IN-LAW.  I don't know what his motives are, but I (being a mother) AM concerned for my daughter.  No matter how much she bad mouths me, she is still my child, and I am really concerned because I feel my son-in-law is lieing to her and conning her as much as he is me.  That's the worst part of it all.  I know that he's keeping her just as sick as he wants her to be so he can control her.  I do fear for her, but she believes every word he says and nothing I can say will change that.  I guess I just need to keep praying for her to gain clarity and hopefully at some point she will see the real truth.  Thanks again, I will stick to my guns and hold true to my beliefs.  As hard as it may be, and no matter what happens, I WILL always be there for my daughter should she need me.  My best to you and your family.  Maybe someday I will see my grandchildren again.  It really is a travisty what they are doing to the children - but I cannot do anything to change it - just keep praying my granddaughter doesn't forget me.  It's really hearbreaking.

At this point, you’ve done enough. It is really sad and sick that your daughter and her husband are using their children to get you to do what they want, and my advice to you is to not be controlled by them anymore. I know it is difficult, because you love your grandchildren; but what about YOU? Are you willing to be a slave to your daughter and son in law for the rest of your life? It isn’t like they will take you in when you have no money left; you will be out on the street! Someday, your grandchildren will seek you out and you will have a loving relationship with them again. They will come to know how their parents work- you know that old saying, ‘what comes around, goes around.’
You said that if you don’t continue to pay these joint bills, they will say that you are a selfish b*** etc., etc… but think about it; don’t they already say those things to you? It isn’t going to magically change because you pay again when the bills come due. They are simply expecting you to keep paying! These are narcissistic, selfish people that you are dealing with; nothing you do will ever be ‘right’ or good enough. It is time for you to do what is right for YOU; put yourself first, because no one else is going to do that. If this means allowing the house to go into foreclosure, then so be it. Yes, it is too bad, it is very sad- but you can’t carry this burden all on your own. I wish you the best!!

Oh my goodness, how can you live like this everyday? Do you feel isolated and cut off from the world? I was in a marriage where my husband kept me isolated and cut off from the world, it happened so gradual that I didn’t even really notice at the time. He also drove off any friendships that I had; calling the girlfriends that I hung out with ‘whores’ and other terrible names, inferring that if I was to hang out with them, that I was a ‘whore,’ too. He convinced me that my family was terrible and that they were trying to set me up for failure; he totally convinced me that false was true and true was false! It was crazy; he was so paranoid and scared that I would leave him; he actually made his own worst fear come true. Like you, I thought that as long as I was faithful and ‘proved’ myself to him, he would come around, and he would eventually have trust and faith in me. It never happened; instead, what happened was his paranoia got worse. He would threaten to divorce me so much that I actually began to wish he really would! Long story short, our marriage ended. We tried counseling, but after the session, he was convinced that the therapist was out to ‘get’ him. (she gave no indication that she didn’t like him!) I think that there are many men like this out there in the world, they are very insecure; your husband doesn’t believe that he is enough for you, and there is nothing you can ever do that will ‘prove’ otherwise to him. Are you willing to tolerate this for the rest of your life? A healthy relationship/marriage is a balance of everything that fulfills you both; that means you both should have outside activities/hobbies/friends that bring you happiness or a sense of accomplishment. Your marriage can’t be everything. You ask what can you do to fix this; perhaps professional counseling would be a good place to start. If your husband won’t go, I urge you to go by yourself, for yourself. You have to start looking out for YOU, because you are important and your happiness matters! I wish you the best.

There's some people you just can't resolve things with.My mother has controlled me all of my life until 12

years ago when I met my husband.I made bad decisions as a teen due to her drinking and physical abuse,and ended up with 3 kids by the age of 21.Because of situations that my mother created,I ended up having a nervous breakdown and she ended up with custody of my kids.

In the last 12 years,she has done anything and everything you can think of to destroy my relationship with my husband and kids.She has kept the kids from seeing me for months at a time,while telling them I just dont want to see them.She tells all of them their lucky to live with her because I am a drug addicted whore.FYI the only drugs I take are to deal with the stress she has created in my life,and they are all prescribed.She has called childrens aid on me several times over the years,alledging that myself and my husband were beating them,starving them,locking them in their room for hours(their bedroom door hasnt got a lock on it,never has),and everytime childrens aid has been to my house they found the allegations untrue,and most recently she managed to get my husband charged with abuse against the children.Now if someone out here can tell me even ONE good reason to even speak to her again I'd luv to hear it.I now cant see my kids at all,except my oldest,who is old enough by law to do what she wants.My position now is that my mother doesnt exist.I dont associate with anyone that even knows her.And guess what??My life? One helluva lot better since i dont have to deal with her toxicity on a daily basis.The bottom line is this...Dr. Phil is right,some people are just too toxic to have in your life,you dont always have to repair a relationship.

My brother has hated me for many years. I don't know when it began or what I did. He has also isolated himself from our sister. I've dealt with it, just trying to accept that not all people will love us. The problem is, I love him and now he's dying. I went to the hospital to see him and he nor his wife would speak to me.

He was born with emotional problems, and has been difficult to deal with our whole lives. We are all in our fifties. Mom favored him, as he was her problem child and she ran what we call, interference for him.

My heart is breaking because he has been sent home from the hospital to die. He has liver cancer that has spread to his lungs and brain. The doctors cannot help him and now it's just a matter of time. I've never lost anyone who I have loved but has hated me. My sister and I can talk about it because she feels the same way. I don't know if I should continue to reach out to him and his wife, even though they want nothing to do with me. I don't even know if I should attend his funeral.

I have been making attempts for my parents sake but he has let me know that he wants nothing to do with me. I keep hitting myself on the head with that hammer to try to keep this painful situation from severely affecting my parents, but if it weren't for them I would leave him alone and let him die in peace with his hatred. Any help will be greatly appreciated.