Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

I've read a few messages that could have been written by me and it saddens me that it can get to the point that a daughter refuses to allow you to share her life or that of your grandchildren.  My problem is a disrespectful, demeaning, rude husband to my daughter (I deny him as a son-in-law now).  My daughter felt she had to side with him when I told him to treat me better and it became nastier than I would have imagined possible from a girl I raised to be kind and forgiving.  I've begged him to meet with me to find a middle ground that will give both of us our dignity, but he tells me I'm not worth his time.  I've begged my daughter to choose better over bitter, but she tells me I am a psychotic, pathetic, disgusting, hateful lonely old woman.  I've written asking for mediation and for their conditions under which I would be allowed to see my grandkids.  They don't answer.   My bond with my granddaughter was established and was a close bond.  She no longer asks about me because this began when she was 3 and now she's just 6, which is a LONG time in a little life.  I don't know my grandson...he was 2 months old when this began and will turn 3 in February.  I considered trying for access legally, but my daughter informed me she would poison the kids against me and I would lose her forever.  After much thought, I decided that one adult had to be thinking of the best interest of the children, and that this adult couldn't bear to cause trauma to those little people by being selfish in my desire to know them and thereby permitting pain to come to them by their mother just to hurt me.   

  

My son sided with my daughter for a year, when my other grandson was just born, but he is back in my life now and I babysit frequently and have established a loving bond with my grandson.  All I can do is hope that my contact with my son and his child (children if there are more) will cause my other grandkids to question their parents.  How could Grandma be such a monster (as my daughter called me) and be allowed to babysit their cousin?  My lasting hope is that one day my grandkids search me out for the truth.  I've bagged my letters to their parents, the things my granddaughter used here when she was 3 and keep them to show the kids Grandma did care.  I also have trust accounts that I hope will show them they were always in my thoughts.  This heartache will never go away.  Never!  I am so disappointed in my daughter and so shocked by her cruelty.  I would like to blame the fact that she's bi-polar, and point to the fact that she's been nasty before to excuse her, but this is beyond excuses.  I'm lost about what to do. 

I re-read my message and thought I'd mention that I begged her husband and her to forgive her father and give a lesson on forgiveness to my granddaughter.  They did.  I ended our marriage when I was pregnant with my son to save my kids from violence and alcohol and drugs.  According to my daughter, this hasn't earned her my respect and is called "reaching" and "demanding".  It tears me apart that the man who beat me is allowed to be Grandpa and look after our grandkids.  It tears me apart that my daughter tells me I'm not needed because she has replaced me with her Dad's girlfriend.  This woman is beautiful inside and out and I'm grateful that my grandkids are loved by her, but she isn't me and is getting all the benefits I'm being denied and that hurts terribly.  It tears me apart that the trauma I went through in deciding to end a marriage pregnant with a 4 yr. old counts for nothing.

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...

I think I better start this by saying that for several years I was in a similar position to yours as the naughty sister-in-law who dared to comment on some extremely nasty behaviour from my BIL and his wife but as Dr Phil says there's 2 sides to every pancake.  I still am in that position but I no longer try to mend the fences.  The silver lining is I'm beginning to come up smelling of roses and BIL and wifey are slowly becoming seen as the troublesome ones. 

  

Your first message said you told your son-in-law he had to treat you better.  I suspect a lot of suppressed anger was vented in that statement and that you hurt him.   His hurt may have been long overdue but that is not the issue.  He's reacted to being hurt and told what to do by someone with no authority over him by cutting contact.  He has the right to do that and your daughter has the right to keep the peace in her marriage by choosing to side with him.  The rows that your grandchildren would endure while he came to terms with your daughter maintaining contact with you would not be in their best interest.   

  

I suspect the original things your son-in-law did that caused you to speak out have long been forgotten.  You are now the bad guy in your daughter's eyes because of  the number of times you have tried to mend things.  Each letter, tearful 'phone call etc caused drama in her house and each time it happened the origin of the dispute got a little more forgotten.    

  

A more tactful approach, if you one day do get to mend fences with your daughter,  would be to say  "I know you're stressed but that remark hurt and crossed a few personal boundaries.  I'll go home now and visit again when things are calmer." 

  

Your ex-husband is not the man you divorced - his partner is evidence for that - and your daughter's forgiveness of him didn't happen in the short term.   However having been through a difficult period in his own life he might help you through this.  Take a card round to his house with a short message written in it asking if it would be alright for you to send the children cards and gifts 3 or 4 times a year.  Let your ex read it and ask him if he will seal it and take it round next time he goes.  The worst that can happen is he says no.      

Hello Cutie, 

  

One step at a time here.  Firstly, as a parent, your job is to protect your child from any percievable harm.  If, (I stress IF ) you genuinely feel knowing or having a relationship with any individual is not the best thing for her, it is your job to draw the line.  Father or no, you're the parent right now, you're her protector, you're the decision maker.  This means you need to consider whether or not you want him to have contact with her, whether he wants contact with her, and whether there is a need in your child for this connection, or merely a fantasy she's trying to flesh out with any available pallet.  Everything else is fluff.   

  

Now, that clarification aside, do I think you should tell your daughter the truth?  Yes.  Regardless of whether or not you allow contact.  Parents seem to forget how truly intelligent and perceptive their children are (your daughter knows darn good and well something is up and is probably looking for an answer).  However, it's not a question of what you say to her, it's how you say it.  There's a huge difference between  "Your daddy is a bad man and in prison," and "Your daddy did some bad things and is saying he's sorry the way adult people do."  Simply telling your daughter her parents make mistakes is not earth shattering news.  Say a curse word around her and see how quick she corrects you :).  But showing her how to treat those mistakes is.   

  

It's not an impossible task you've set yourself to Cutie, just a difficult one that requires some serious consideration.  In the end, I have no doubt you will make the choice you feel is absolutely best for your daughter, come hell or high water.   

     I am not really good at this, but I don't really know what to do. 

About four years ago my dad sued my mom for custody and won.  I won't go into the nasty details because its pointless.  My dad married a woman when I was nine years old and from the beginning we did not get along.  When I moved in with dad after the court case I knew our relationship would be messy at first.  Unfortunately, it became gradually more and more violent.  She began to literally beat me up.  About nine months ago, she hit me for the last time.  I walked out of the house and have never gone back. 

     I still love my dad every much.  But his wife tore him and I apart and we can't seem to find the right place for our relationship anymore.  I left my younger sister when I left the house and our relationship has suffered greatly as well. 

     I don't know how to make things right or if I should even attempt to try. 

I think of this whole thing as being three seperate problems my mom, dad, and brother. You are absolutely right after thinking about the letter thing I have decieded that would only become another heartache to add to many more before.My mom is the "ring leader" of the whole thing she is a very very controling person and my dad and brother have just basically done what they are told over all these years. Now by no means am I saying they don't have to take responsibility for their own actions, I guess since I know how she operates I can understand where they are coming from. I however did write my brother a letter and I do feel eventually we will repair our relationship. He has let family know that he misses me dearly but is not ready for a relationship because I broke his heart when I left. So in the mean time I sit and wait. I am not real sure how fair that is to me but too be very honest I miss my big brother horribly. So it becomes a cost I make myself pay. With my mom I honestly think I have given up on the idea of us ever having a relationship. For 19 years I was her "shadow" and then all this happened and now its like I never existed and never will again in her eyes. She has went soooo far as to tell me through family that I was not to be at my grandmothers funeral or she would have me arrested. With my dad I know that there isnt a need to waste the ink to write a letter because she would probably never give it to him, and he just does what she tells him to anyway. But with my dad he has told family friends that he does have a relationship with me but my mom doesnt know, which is completely untrue; but it makes me wonder if maybe he doesnt agree with my mom and truely does want a relationship with me. I guess my biggest problem is I feel like I am letting my kids down for not having this worked out years ago, because my mom also has aunts and uncles, cousins and even grandparents not talking to me. So therefore my kids know very few members of my family. Then there are days I think that if that is how they want to be we are better off. Unfortunately the emotional part is not a switch I can shut off. And no matter how bad I want to wake up from this Nighmare I cant. I have just come to a point in my life I feel like the whole thing was childish and I am getting too old to still be paying the price for teenage decisions. I am going to  take your advice and send a christmas card because after all she cant have me arrested for a christmas card. Thanks for the advice

Dear Nanalana,  I have been in your situation and I know how frustrating it can be.  Your Son-in-Law stating that "you are not worth his time" Is a Big sign of Disrespect and I would have nothing to do with him or your daughter until someone apologized.  That is ridiculous that he feels he can do just that.  Family is Family and for some reason nowadays, kids are not as grown up as they need to be.  I would not put up with that kind of disrespect and would not go over there, send presents, send cards or anything else, if that is the way they choose to treat you.  You teach them how to treat you, and if you do not want to be disrespected, then break of f  the contact, until they come to you.  I know it is hard, but I hope they come to their senses!!!!!!!

 Well, it is too late now. My aunt died the day after I came here. She had a massive heart attack they said. I went to the funeral today and now my dear husband has no problem with me seeing anyone in my family anymore...Well at least until this blows over. I told him that I would see my family anytime and anywhere that I chose to see them and if he did not like it then tough...Thanks for the replies.