Message Boards
Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
August 13, 2008, 8:48 pm PDT
 Quote From: lilsteph101 hey, so here goes im 16 and my two sisters and i moved in with my mother almost 8 years ago. i haven't spoken to my father because he has some kind of problem with my two sisters and i and i think its because i thinks we chose my mother over him witch isn't the case. i really want to have my father back into my life but its really hard to get him to listen to me and i don't even no where he is living or if he even has a phone anymore. we moved in with my mom becasue he use to beat my sisters and it got really bad to, he pushed my older sister down the basement stairs before, and also lit her hair on fire, and i remember when me an my other sister got up for school one day and she went passed his girlfriend at the time and she pushed her on the way but she didn't mean it and she told her sorry and his girlfriend in said it was fine. and i came down the steps and saw my father punching my sister in the arms, chest, head, back anywhere he possbily could i quess and then he grabed her up and throw her on to the floor, into the wall, and also she told me and my mother that while this was happening she had 2 black outs while he was throwing her around and hitting her. it was so sad and scary to A) see my sister that upset and bit up and B)to see a father do that to his own child for someone who wasn't even family. hes also called my sister a slut, count, the b word, and hes also called my mother a count as well. i never really got called anything or beatin because i was to young and my sister got me out before he could do anything like that. i know that people say i shouldn't forgive him and stuff but everyone devrse another chance, and i'm not saying i'm going to forget but i'm welling to forgive him if hes welling to work with me to gt back the father and child relationship we once had.
what should i do to find, talk to him dr. phil? I know exactly what you are going through. I am 22, and when I was a young kid, I would get beaten up all time by my biological father. He also attempted to kill me several times. When I was ten, I was adopted by my step dad and I was able to move far away from my biological dad. I havent seen him since the adoption. I spoke to him once and he hasnt changed. The advice I would give you is that you need to seek a counselor to help you out with the issues of your father. They can help give you ideas on how to approach him. Has your father ever denied hurting your sister? If he denies it, I would watch out. Also you need to make sure that he has changed and isnt abusive anymore. If you do intend on meeting him and having a relationship, I would first have someone go with you just in case he tries to start something. Thank goodness that he hasnt hurt you but if he hasnt changed and you go by yourself, there is a chance that maybe he will do something bad to you so I wouldnt give him the opportunity to do so. Sorry that your sister got abused by him, I feel her pain. I hope things work out for you. |
|
|
August 18, 2008, 8:50 pm PDT
My 26 year old son began to act unlike himself.
He was dating a girl and came home repeating everything she said..mimicking her. It seemed as though he was losing his personality in favor of her personality.
My son was normally on the quiet side and easy going. He was a good son, a good student and well respected by his family, friends and people of our community.
One day I began to notice that every time I sat in the same room with him he would get up and leave the room and often he would not look at his father and I during dinner.
He was going to a gym to work out. He developed bad acne, complained about sore knees which he claimed was my fault because he said he felt forced to play hockey when he was younger. His feet were swollen for a while.
He began to walk around the house like a robot. He wasn't himself. I know he lost his feelings for us because he told me so. He lost all his previous interests. He was only focused on his girl. I used to wonder if she was drugging him as he seemed fine when he was not in her company.
Things escalated after he became engaged. His girlfriend stopped talking to us. My son lived at home for another year until he got married. It was a year of hell. My son had many angry outbursts and became violent. He could not be reasoned with. I would have kicked him out but I was not sure if he was on drugs or ill. He spent the year at home accusing us of anything and everything. I felt that he was trying to get kicked out of the house but we didn't give in. I spent the whole year trying to keep the family together and trying to get his girlfriend to come back over to our house. All of our efforts failed. he and his girlfriend were both manipulative. She seemed like she had some kind of control over him that was unnatural. He seemed more like a slave and she was his master and he obeyed her at all costs. My son could not think for himself.
My son walked right out of our lives after he got married. His wedding was a nighmare. After everything we did for him he did not even acknowledge us during the reception and his wife and her family went on and on about how happy they were to finally have a son after 4 girls in their family. His wife is oriental. My son seemed very pleased to be in their family. My son took us out of the wedding pictures and had the video man delete every member of his family from the wedding video. My son's wedding seemed more like a kidnapping than a wedding.
After he was married he began to hang up when we telephoned and stopped replying to emails. He completely shut the door on his entire family and past friends. We tried to go over and make amends but he telephoned the police on us each time we went over and tells the police we are bothering him. He put a restraining order on us at one point because we had gone over 3 times in the same month begging him to attend his sisters wedding. He did not attend.
My son did not attend his grandfathers funeral. It is so sad as he was close to him.
My son and his wife now have 2 boys which we have never seen. He named them after his wife's surname which is unlike him as he used to say that if a girl didn't want his name then she didn't want him either.
I went to his house and asked him if we could see the children and my son told me that I could not see them because I might molest them. I was shocked and asked him if he had ever been abused or molested. I could see the wheels spinning in his head as he had to think about it and then replied. NO; but he didn't connect the the dots.
My son acts like his wife. He talks like her and does anything she wants him too without any concern to how his actions affect anyone else.
It his been 8 years now and I stopped trying, but I do send flowers or a fruit basket on Christmas, Easter and his birthday, other than that I notify him of family deaths and births by email to which he never responds.
I ran into my son a couple months ago while shopping. When he saw me the expression on his face was of utter disgust.
My son used to tell everyone what a great family he had. My life is full of anguish. If anyone has any advice I would be very happy to try another approach.
|
|
|
August 19, 2008, 8:25 pm PDT
I don't even know if I'm writing this in the right area, but I'll go ahead anyway. Almost every child knows whether or not they're the favourite with a particular parent. I know im not the favourite with my mother, despite what she may say. I feel like I put in the most effort with her, and i get no acknowledgement in return. My brother couldn't give a hoot about spending time with my mother and despite all that she acts like he's God's gift to the world, in her eyes he can do no wrong. I go out of my way to take her out with my bf and I, just to get her out of the house and to establish a relationship between the two of them, and as she said today "you don't do sh*t for me". Im currently suffering from depression and an anxiety disorder and needless to say, this didn't go down well with me. I just walked off to my room and burst out sobbing. Having been on holidays, I put in a lot of effort to bring back a gift for her and my father, just to let them know that I was thinking about them while I was away. I dont know why, despite all my efforts, I still get treated in this way. I think its hugely unfair to treat your child this way, but hey, at least I know what NOT to do when I have children of my own one day.. |
|
|
August 20, 2008, 4:00 am PDT
Quote From: afmedic39 I need some advice on how to start a conversation with my mom, or even if I should. She told another family member that she wants me to apologize to her, but I don't want the conversation to end up in an argument. I really think she should apologize to me for what she said. Please give me your advice. My sister, her husband, and children are visiting (staying with my mom during vacation) and I haven't seen them yet, due to my mother and I not speaking, and I want to see her and her family before their vacation is finished, and most of all, try to get on speaking terms with my mom again, and find out why it's so easy for her to never want to see me again. I don't know what she told my sister, but another family member said my sister wonders why I haven't come to visit her at my Mom's house yet. I don't want to start a " he said, she said thing" and get my sister in the middle of it. My mom has put me in that position before, and it worried my sister greatly. Here's what happened, please give me your best advice: About a month ago, my mom and I went out shopping together, and to do some errands. She drove her van, I was the only passenger. (I am 39 years old, married, by the way). We drove into the Wal Mart parking lot, and the space she wanted to park in was partially obstructed by a guy standing outside of an SUV with the door wide open. As my mom started pulling in, he seen her, and started closing his door, but still stood there, talking with the driver of the Black SUV. She said something about not wanting to get her van hit by their door, she didn't want black paint on her light colored van. She told me to watch to make sure we wouldn't hit them, or vice versa. (The black SUV was on my side/passenger side. What was happening, was that this SUV had a couple of guys in it, with 1 and a few seconds later another guy(s) standing around it, they were talking with the people inside. We were in an isle very close to the store, maybe 4 or 5 cars in. As I was looking to make sure we didn't hit his door, the guy standing partially closed the driver side door, with the driver sitting in the seat. (Kinda like closing himself in, so my mom could fit in the space). We sat much higher than the SUV, and it was close, but we fit in. Our windows were up, and I told my mom that the guy in the driver seat was measuring some type of drugs out on his lap. I guess that's why the other guy standing stood real close., Then, another guy came up to the SUV on the other side, I don't know where he came from, another car, or out of the store. The point is, that this wasn't a big deal, really, yeah, it's bad to be doing illegal drugs in a public place, but I just said I might tell someone in Wal-Mart. These guys could've been a little smarter, and met at home to do their thing. I've seen this happen before, young people dealing drugs in a store parking lot. Where we live, it's not suspicious that way. In other words, if people did this in an empty, out of the way place, they would really stand out to police or whoever. My husband and I seen this happen a few times at our local gas station, right across the street from this Wal Mart. Anyhow, when my Mom turned off the van, she said, "We aren't going to get out until they leave, because I don't want black paint on my light colored van." She was afraid that they would run into her when they pulled out because it was such a tight squeeze in that parking area, plus the 2 guys standing right outside the SUV. So we sat there a minute or two, and I said, "Mom, I don't think they're going to leave anytime soon, they're doing their little drug deal." At this time, the driver was still sitting in his seat, engine OFF, and the guy standing outside his door had opened up the door a little bit more, but was facing the driver, partially blocking the sight of what they were doing, and another guy on the other side of the vehicle, standing / waiting outside of the vehicle. So, my Mom says that she's going to change parking spaces, she didn't want to go into the store and maybe have them pull out and bang up her van. So she pulled out then, and parked behind where we were, just a couple of spaces down. I told her that I thought the management of the store should be told that there's some guys doing there drug measuring/drug deal, whatever, so close to the store where there's family's, kids, babies, and old ladies going inside, walking right by them. So we went into the store, I told my Mom I'd meet her. (She was going one way, I the other, to different parts of the store.) I went up to a store employee, asked her if there was someone I should tell about what we seen, cause the drug guys were right in front of an outside store camera. She was busy, I waited a bit, not more than 1 minute, finally I told her I had to go get my shopping done, and told her basically what I had seen. She couldn't find a manager right at that moment, for she was watching the do it yourself registers. I knew that what my mom was getting at the store was going to take much more time than I, so I got what I needed, and on the way to the registers, I hear my name called over the loud speaker of Wal Mart, "*** ******, please meet your party at the car" I was really shocked, because I thought, gosh, mom can't be done shopping and thru the checkout already, we'd only been in the store less than 10 minutes. So I rushed thru the checkout, went out the door, walked up to my mom's van, and there she was, motor running, half backed out of the parking spot. What ran thru my mind was that maybe someone called her on her cell, maybe my grandma was sick, or something really bad happened. She rolled down the window a bit, and I was trying to tell her I needed to put my merchandise in the back door of the van ( I bought one of those big plastic boxes), and here she was, half pulled out, cars trying to get by, me trying to put my box in the van. I got inside, and she was madder than hell at me. Little to my knowledge, after we separated in the store, she started worrying about those drug guys outside, and worried that maybe I had called the police on them or that Wal Mart employees had confronted them, and she was scared that they would know it was me to told on them, because they seen me, and scared they would follow us and do something to us. She told me that she changed her mind about shopping in the store, due to me saying I was going to tell on them, and she just wanted to get the heck out of there. She told me that when she came out of the store, they guys got in their SUV and drove around the parking lot twice and left. She took that as a threat. I questioned her: Did the police show up? NO. Did store employees confront them? NO. Did they say something to my mom? NO Did they act hostile in any way? NO. But the fact that they drove around the whole big Wal Mart parking lot twice, scared her. Little did she know, was that I don't even know if the management at Wal Mart got the message. And if they did, they might've just marked the time on their cameras to see if they could get a license plate or see what they guys were doing inside of their car. It was really obvious, theses guys weren't shy about their drugs being out in the open, anyway. They probably deserved to be arrested for being so obvious, a worse crime than the drugs they had on them! My mom told me to never do that again, that she doesn't want some drug addicts following her home and slitting her throat! (Big assumption) She said she doesn't want to be mixed up with drug dealers. She was afraid they would somehow find out where she lives and come and do something to her house or car. (We were shopping 20 miles from the town we both live in). I was kind of stunned, because these guys were nowhere around. She kept speeding a little, and there were hardly any other cars on that stretch of highway. She was saying things like she didn't want the cops at her house. This started out the argument then. Although I only really mildly argued with her for 2 or 3 minutes, because I realized then I needed to calm her down and try to ease her worries. When we were at the arguing state, I told her that I didn't even think the message got through to any kind of authorities and that I really didn't think the guys got busted, and that we didn't see any cops, and that we didn't see those guys behind us, they weren't chasing us, and I doubt if they would call the cops themselves and say, 2 ladies seen us dealing drugs, and told on us, will you go arrest them? Then, when I realized that she was not calming down, I had to put aside my argument of what's right and wrong, what's I would do versus what she would do, and I tried to tell her she was being overly worried. I think that's when she really got mad at me. She said that they would really think we seen what they were doing, and that we SHOULDN'T have changed parking spaces. I said, I wasn't driving, you were, and you were the one who sat there and waited to see if they would go inside before us or leave so that you could make sure they didn't get black paint on your light colored van. I said something to her, like, "Okay, what if they would have pulled out and dinged your van with their black SUV, what would've you had done, or said to them, if you're this scared of them?. Her actions, I think, would have made them more suspicious than anything I did. They had no idea that I told my mom i seen what they were doing, and I didn't stare. And furthermore, they were the ones sitting there in broad daylight with a scale and ziploc baggies and drugs, right in front of the whole parking lot. I tried to calm her down, and defend myself, but she kept saying "You seen them, and they know you seen them, so they might come after you, and you are in MY van, with Me, and I don't want to be dragged into any situation with any kind of drug dealers." That quote wasn't exact, but pretty much. I kept showing her, look, they aren't behind us, they aren't going to try to track us down, the highlight of their day isn't going to be running home go get on the Internet trying to find out who we are, I'm sure they didn't get our license plate, etc etc etc. These weren't guys doing a multi-million dollar drug deal in the Wal Mart parking lot. They were 20 something dudes with lots of tats, just selling their dope. That's probably why they drove around the parking lot. They probably park separately, the 2 guys walk up to the dealers' car, then he gives them a lift back to theirs on the other side of the parking lot. My mom told me that she doesn't get involved when she sees things like that, and she didn't ever want me to call the cops or get into any kind of situation like that when I am with her. She said to me, "Would you do that if you were with your husband or sister?" I said yeah, sure. She was mad, because she felt I was putting her in danger by SAYING to her that I was going to report them. BUT, I NEVER really did get to report them, no cops came, nobody heard or seen me talking to the Wal Mart employee, and those guys probably don't have any idea of what me or my mom look like, they were busy doing their own little thing. It really wasn't a big deal, my goodness just a few guys doing their thing, I'm not against all illegal activity, especially in with the way healthcare is in this country. I was confused as to how mad she was, and I felt badly that she kept acting like she didn't want me in her van. We were a good 6 miles away on a stretch of highway that doesn't have much traffic by then, and she was acting as if she was hurrying to get me back to my house to drop me off in the next town, the next county, mind you. So I told her, okay, I won't do anything like that again when I'm with you. But I was still a bit frazzled that she was so darn mad at me, like I had yelled out to the world and to those guys, "Hey, I'm going to tell on you!!!!!" I didn't act that way, or stare at them, or make a big deal, nothing. If anyone made if obvious that we knew something bad about them, she did, by sitting there, then changing parking spots, then announcing my whole name over the speaker at the store, then being in such a hurry to get out of there she was half pulled out while I was putting my merchandise in the van. Then she said, "My life is screwed up enough without you causing trouble like this, they seen you, they seen you." I told her that I couldn't help it if they seen me, because she TOLD me to look to make sure we fit into the parking space without hitting the guy standing there or his door. So, I said to her, "So you don't want to be seen with me, your own daughter, because a few unimportant guys trading drugs or whatever know that I MIGHT'VE seen what they were doing?" And she said yes. I said, "HOW Could I have not seen them? I didn't know what I was going to see when we pulled into that parking spot" She said I shouldn't have been looking, but she asked me to look to make sure. This started getting real personal, and I asked her again, that if some situation came up, where I was a witness to something bad, would she avoid me due to the fact that someone might be after me? I didn't like her answer, it hurt my feelings. And when she said ...her life was already screwed up enough......I said what? you have a good job, a nice house, your health, our family has good health, you have nice grandchildren, what is screwed up about your life? She got really mad at me, and I said, "Mom, this thing with the guys in the parking lots is NOTHING to worry about, they don't care what we seen, they have no idea that I said to you that I was going to tell Wal Mart on them, so what's wrong, are you trying to find a reason to be mad at me, what's going on, what's happening?" At this point, I was not going to argue with her any longer about this silly situation. I felt that she made a mountain out of a molehill, we were not in any danger, and she wanted to continue arguing about it, and got even more mad because I wouldn't continue to argument. I made if very clear to her that I would never do anything like that again around her, but that didn't stop her wanting to argue. I even tried to make a light joke out of it, but she continued to want to argue. This argument became more about something else, something other than the guys at Wal Mart. It was so very silly, really. I tried to stop talking about it, tried to apologize, tried to change the subject, but she wanted to argue. I learned a long time ago that it's best to not argue with my Mom, even if I think I'm right. But I also learned in the past, and I'll never forget, the first time I would NOT argue with her, it made her more mad that I wouldn't participate. So I got out of her van at stop light near a gas station, and told her I didn't want to argue anymore, so I'm removing myself from the situation. She never came back, to try to pick me up, I called my grandmother for a ride home, and when I got home there was a message on my answering machine from my Mom, It said, and this is a quote exactly, " ***** (my name), I don't know if Mom (meaning her mother) told you or not, but I don't ever want to talk to you again, or I don't ever want to see you again for the rest of my damn life, do you hear me?!!! I could only think to myself, that I don't think there is ANYTHING my son could do, to make me say that to him. I never have stomach or gastrointestinal problems, but I was diagnosed a couple of nights ago in the ER, after being taken by ambulance, with a bleeding ulcer. I still don't know if I believe it, I'm a pretty healthy person, I've worked in healthcare all of my life, and also in the military. Advice, anyone? Also, I haven't called my sister, who is only a couple of miles away from me at my mother's house, because I don't want to involve her. Years ago, when my Mom and I or someone else in my family had arguments, my mom would get on the phone to my sister, over 1,000 miles away, and tell her the whole story, then I, or whoever else it concerned, would call my sister, tell her their side, so I am not, and have not, talked to my sister about this situation. My sister told me a long time ago, that it upsets her when she has to hear about silly arguments between our family members when she's so far away. I know that my mom probably called my sister the minute she got home and ranted all about it. But I did not. Now, I hear that my sister is wondering why I haven't contacted her while she's visiting our state. (Usually, I see her every single day she's here). But I'm going to leave it up to her, she knows my number, where I live, and she can call. I know that if I was to contact her, while she's at my mom's, it could potentially cause a big problem, and I don't want to ruin their vacation. Oh, and by the way, before this whole thing started with my mom and I, 3 family members noticed that my mom has been in a very bad mood about the last 3 or 4 months. She was telling my grandmother that she'd better not get sick, because she won't "quit her job to care for her". I'm thinking that maybe I'll never speak to my mother again just for saying something awful like that to her own mother. My grandmother is a great and caring mother and grandmother. I somehow think that I'm the one who should be mad at my Mom, not the other way around. What do you think? Is your Mom going threw Metapause? Maybe that has something to do with how she is acting. I know when My mom went threw it she was just aweful to be around or talk too. It does something to your hormones that makes you crazy.. Angry and just nasty. This seems a bit crazy and she seems very nervous about what you had seen. Paranoid. Sorry about all that. Something is going on with her. More than what happened that day. Good Luck and Let us know how it all works out. |
|
|
August 20, 2008, 2:32 pm PDT
It would take a long time to explain everything, but I will give it a shot!
I have a big family 10 children, my parents have been gone a long time, over 10 years. One of my older brothers has passed, so that leaves 3 older and 2 younger. brothers I have 3 sisters and 11 nephews & 3 nieces. I get together with some of my younger brother & sisters, but not all of them.
Seems our problems started when we were very young and to get to the root of it, it was my mother letting my older brothers watch the younger ones. I was too young to know anything about what was going on, but now do. It seems that a couple of my older brothers were fondling, molesting my oldest sisters. Of coarse I have only heard this second hand and came after the oldest brother, was working someplace and was being accused of inappropriate behavior with a female co worker.
It seems my oldest sister is fueling the fire of the family breakup and some of the history is sketchy, as too whether this older brother had a chance to come clean? I think there was a point where he had this chance and took the road of denial and have made my youngest brother very angry, which is not helping.
I have try to get them all together, but seems too much water under the bridge for some? The sad part is that it was not handle properly when it should have and rape and molestation has a way of being hidden away in the background. It is sad that the same sort of thing happened to my now ex wife and has also caused us to be divorced.
There is some anger in me due to males that do this sort of thing to others, with out any regard to how it will effect them, later in life.
I guess if one thing came out of this, it would put things at peace with my self and realize that things like this happen and some how I can move on !
|
|
|
August 24, 2008, 8:23 pm PDT
Quote From: doridoridori I think that you need to find out why this is the way the relationship is going with you and your daughter and her family. There has got to be a reason for this. Is she avoiding you for reasons that she knows you wont like about things that are going on in her life ect ect??? Do you express your feelings that mite upset her because maybe there is nothing she can do at this point or what ever? Or is it the way your relationship has always been? It sounds like there is some reason why she is not comming around you both. This does not sound right and maybe you can try an talk with her alone if you can get her too with out the mother- in- law around. I know my family does not like to be around my husbands family because they know things that have happend over the years and cant stand them and the way they are. I have decided to drop my husbands side from my life as well and will never put my family in that situation again either. There has to be a reason? I know this does not help but I wish you luck and I would just try and talk with her and explain nicely that it is hurtful to you and your husband her parents the way she is treating you both. You love her and her husband and children and you would like a bit more time in there lives. See what you can find out and write again soon and good luck.. It is unusual for a daughter to behave this way toward her family. It is usually the other way around but I do know of one other case where the daughter did this. Is your daughter insecure? It is unusual about an ultimatum, and the stronger person belittling them and making them feel like a loser and a child for needing their mother. I think it could be manipulation but I don't know her. Could drugs be involved? Has she lost her feelings. Could it be depression? Keep trying, and you might want to try to be extra kind to her husband if he is calling the shots. Whatever you say, your daughter will share with him, so be careful. Hang in there, she will be around when she needs you. |
|
|
August 25, 2008, 1:53 pm PDT
Quote From: mlshumak ONearly two years agio my two daughters in-law started telling each other thing that I had supposedly said about the other. They were twisting things I said and making things look bad. My husband and I talked to both our sons (one is 45 and the other 30) and they both agreed that it was all baloney, but they felt they had to stand behind their wives. The oldest son had been married for 14 years when the youngest got married. My first daughter-in-law could not stand his choice of a wife and would not hardly be decent to her. I tried to act as a mediator and that mad e matters worse. Then for about two years everything went along smoothly. Then my mother died and I guess they decided to band together against me. The youngest daughter in law told me that I didn't like her because she stole my baby boy. Then she told me that my mother liked her better than me. I told her that she was not playing teenage friend games...she is messing with family. My husband and I tried to set up counseling for the whole family and we would pay for it. The sons were all for it, but the daughters-in-law would not have anything to do with it. It wound up with just the two of us going and being told that until they were ready to work things out, out hands are tied. The youngest daughter-in-law lies every time she opens her mouth. She and my son and the two year old daughter are now living with her parents because they are so far in debt. My son has come home and lived with us twice during their four year marriage at his wifes request. They were so financially burdoned that we helped get them back on their feet even though she was not speaking and would not allow hin to bring the baby over here. He moved back to his house and within a few months they were behind again on payments and had to sell their house. She is a REal Estate salesman and ;put it on the market. The same week she went out and bought a new BMW SUV. How do you ever repair a family that has been torn apart by lies and the persons respionsible are not willing to mend the relationship and go on.? I am a daughter in law of a troubled parent. I have been married for 16 yrs. The biggest problem I have found with my mother in law is that she insist on judging not just me but every daughter in law she has had. My husband has a sister in law that clearly has issues with everyone in her husbands family and my mother in law on added to our problems. I hope that as a future mother in law myself that I never judge my son's wife and can accept the fact that he will be the head of his household. If my son will allow his wife to disrepect any member of his family, it is he that I will blame and hold accountable. I have never disrepected my mother in law but I have been disrepected by her. I trust my husband to deal with his own family the best he can and he will keep his mother straight, that is not my roll as a daughter in law. Take your family to church and be an example for them. Trust that they make their own decisions in life and don't be so quik to point the finger at anyone other than your own child. I bet your sons did gladly agree with everything that you arranged so that they didn't have to take any heat from both sides. You are the one they are looking to for guidance dispite what they may say or do. Take the high road as a mom and bring your family together. It is the best decision you will ever make. Make your daughter in laws feel like the most loved dauther in laws in the world, just as you would want their parents to treat you kids. You can mend this relationship and it is up to you as the mom to get your sons together and hold them accountable. If everyone could be as forgiving to others as they are their own children, there would be no problems. They are your daughters now and should be treated as such. Give each one the benefit of doubt and show a little trust, it will go a long way. It isn't your place to get into their finances. If they are willing to go into debt they need to get themselves out. Let your son deal with his own issues with his wife, but give positive advice if asked. He evidently didn't have a problem with her new SUV or he would have made her take it back for the sake of their marriage. Your son needs to be a man and take responsability for his home. If there are touchy issues, put boundaries around the subject to protect your relationship. If your son's married them, they must be worth loving. A mothers love is to be unconditional. |
|
|
August 25, 2008, 2:18 pm PDT
Quote From: doridoridori Is your Mom going threw Metapause? Maybe that has something to do with how she is acting. I know when My mom went threw it she was just aweful to be around or talk too. It does something to your hormones that makes you crazy.. Angry and just nasty. This seems a bit crazy and she seems very nervous about what you had seen. Paranoid. Sorry about all that. Something is going on with her. More than what happened that day. Good Luck and Let us know how it all works out. I think you should just apologize to your mom and the reason I feel this way is because, you went into the store without even asking or considering how your mother felt about it. Your mother should have told you if she were uncomfortable in the first place instead of just running out like a maniac. The fact is she is your mom and perhaps you should ask her in the future how she feels about your intentions prior to you doing anything that involves her. A mom generally don't just look to start a confilct with her child and she sounds really scared in this situation. I think you did the right thing and as a mom myself, I would have gone with you and stood there to support you but I am not your mom and don't know how she feels about these issues. I truly feel that your mom was terrified and that feeling does cause other emotions like anger to follow. If you feel that you were truly doing the right thing and I think you were, then tell your mom that but apologize for not asking her feelings and dong something that freightened her. Just be aware when you are with mom to consider asking her how she feels when a decision affects her. Hope this helps, let me know how it goes. |
|
|
August 26, 2008, 6:50 pm PDT
I just needed to know something.. my dad he hasnt paid child support in a while like 6 months.. which equals out to about 13,000. So he owns that too my mom. well tonight my mom told me that shes serving my dad with papers for not paying. okay? and i know he needs to pay. but my mom says if he doesn't pay right away then he'll go to jail. the thing i was wondering is, they wouldn't do that right the court system they wouldn't just through him in jail they'd give him some sort of time to come up with this money, right? and if he couldn't pay how long would it be, the sentence?... i know he needs to pay, but i just don't want to see my dad in jail. if you could help me, if you know please tell me. thanks. |
|
|
September 2, 2008, 8:37 pm PDT
Hi my name is Denise, I am from Australia, yes we get Dr Phil here!! He's loved everywhere.Even down under. My family has been recovering from alcoholism for 10 years. I have six children and have gone through hell to keep our family together and well. I think the most important lesson for me to learn was Alcoholism is a disease based in denial. I am not an alcoholic, will never understand what it takes for someone to have an illness that makes them hurt themselves. But living through the effects of alcoholism on me and my children, I have learned what to do to take care of myself and even to find happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I have retrained my attitudes towards my children's, fathers SICKNESS into a sickness not a moral issue. Which does not mean I am a door mat!! It means, if I understand the problem, I know what Ive got to work with. My family has not only turned active alcoholism into my family fully having sobriety, and serenity, but what we have achieved I could never have dreamed would ever happen. All that needed to happen was for me as the mother of our household to take responsibility for myself, learn about the disease, change my attitudes and keep the focus on myself. This worked for my family, ALCOHOLISM ISN'T GOING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART. Thanks Dr Phil and Robyn, in what you have done to bring awareness to this world. Denise |
|
