Quote From: elima4 Hello, I have a really confusing problem, and it actually is more than one with the majority of my family. But I will sart with, what I believe is what really started this. I am #8 of ten children, my father just passed away in January, he was 91. My mother and father had been married 61 years and still madly in love. My mother is 84 and was diagnosed with Alheimer's, and she is living with myself, my husband and our son, who is 18.
Well the whole thing started(I think) back in April. One of my sisters #3 and my brother #7 live in my parents house. Well back in April, they had a really big fight(about money) and my sister(#3) walked out and said she was leaving for good. My brother had to go back to work and my mother could not be left alone. He called 2 of my brothers who live closer to him than anyone else. They both would do nothing and said "it is your problem, deal with it". He then called another sister(#1) who lives near me. Her and her husband immediately went down to my mothers house. Since nobody was sure when my sister(#3) would return, they decided to bring my mother to their house. Let me backup a little, when my father passed away all of us knew we had to sell my parents home. We had been discussing for months what to do. We new my mother could not be there when we showed the house, and we knew she could not afford to rent or buy another house while that one was on the market. So, I said "I have an extra room, move mom in here with me". Well that seemed to get everyone else VERY upset. The only ones that talk to me are my sister(#1), and a brother(#4) who lives in Baltimore. Things keep getting worse, none of the other 7 in my family are talking to the three of us. I have no idea what I did, since nobody is talking to us, they won't tell me anything. I do know some of them have told lies about me to the others, so I guess that is why some of them are mad at me. They have never tried to find out the truth, or the other side of the story, they just immediately believed everything the others told them.
Now, with all of that happening(and their is more, but for now that is a good start and the basic problem that started everything) none of the others have called my mother since May(mothers day). I did have to go out of town, so I did send out an e-mail and after quite a few weeks the others said they would take my mother for 1 1/2 weeks, that was the end of July. So they actually did talk to my mother at that time, and I guess in their eyes, that makes them never calling my mother ok.
The other thing that really bothers me, is from the beginning nobody, except sister(#1) and brother(#4) have ever called me or helped me in anyway.
I'm really confused and hurt, I have no idea what I really did. So I am butting this story out to see if I could get an outside opinion to tell me what it is I really did becuase I have no idea.
It could be your willingness to help you mom in her time of need triggered some guilt complexes in the others because they are not as willing or able to help their mom so readily. It really has nothing to do with your per say other than the fact that it hurts your feelings, and is leaving you bewildered at what you did wrong. Well, hun you are feeling bewildered because in reality you did nothing wrong. You can not feel responsible for your siblings feelings, they have to take ownership of their feelings, not you. Pretty much your priority right now is the well being of you, your mom and your family.
Caring for an elderly parent who has memory loss is seriously not an easy thing to do! It is stressful and emotionaly and physically draining.
I am wondering what lies were told about you, and by which siblings. That really seems a petty thing for them to do, but if they can point fingers at someone else, it is likley to take the heat of off them.
As for sister number 1 and 4 be sure to let them know how much you appreciate their help and are grateful for the coming together to support each other through this very dificult time.
As for the other children, simply let them know that as the children of your mother they have every right to invest time, and what ever support they can offer to your mom. Let them know it is not about you, but your mom, and that you are sure they all want what is best for her.
As for the lies, when you do speak to the others, let them know that there has been a misunderstanding, or garbling of facts, and although your feelings were hurt, you are more interested in mending the diferences and moving on to a place were you can all rally together in this dificult time, as family is important to you. If a sibling continues to lie about you, simply let them know that you know they are speading falsehoods about you, but you do not understand why they feel this need to hurt you in that way, and you are open to talking about it to try and reconcile. If they choose to continue spreading lies, you can calmly let the others know that you have tried to be open with this sibling and come together in the spirit of compassion and reconciliation, however, it seems they really want to hurt you, and you can not make amends for a real hurt or percived hurt, if you do not know what it is.
It is time to put the ball back in this siblings court, if they choose not to give you or themselves an opportunity to reconcile, then at least the others will know that you have made the attempt, and that it is entirley up to the other individual.
It s really hard to play victim, if the person you percive as the victimizer is sincerly wanting to make amends hey? In any event even if the others still choose to side with the sibling that has this vendetta, it will not matter you can rest easy knowing you were able, willing and sincerly wanting to come together and make amneds and reconcile the diferences.
Be open with the others and encourage them their time with you mom and thier input on what is best for your mom, take care of yourself and your family.
I really do wish you peae and serenity, and hope that your siblings can come to a place were they see the need to band together, rather than tear apart.
Hugs
Tammy
