My "Upset, confised, bewildered" Diary
Hello,
The whole mess started a year ago (for me anyway, that
I know of). My mother and father had been married 61 years, and have 10
children. My father passed away last January, he was 91, my mother has been
diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. I'm #8 child. My sister who is Maureen #3
is in her mid 50's and she is unmarried. About a year or two before my dad
passed away my sister #3 moved back home to take care of my mother and father.
That was kind-of a family agreement. We knew my mother had to have someone
there at all times, my father was already 89, we did not think he would be
capable of taking care of my mother(the kind of care she really needs, go to
the doctor, etc.) My brother Tony #7 lives at home (he is also unmarried and in his
early 50's also) but he works a lot and cannot be there all the time. So anyway,
as I said, it was a, somewhat, family agreement. We also agreed to pay her the
time she takes care of my mother. She makes my parents breakfast, lunch, and
diner, that is it! Anytime my mother had to go to the doctor, one of the other
children had to take her, even though the majority of us do not live near them
and most of us work. We still had to find the time and to come whenever my
sister #3 wanted to go away. Anyway, the whole mess really started for me a
year ago. My sister #3 had to go away on business (she has a travel agency, she
works out of the house, it is online only), a group of hers goes on a cruise
every year and she will go along. So my sister #10 went down for a few days, my
brother#2 went down for one night (the most he has ever done, he would rather
pay someone to take his share of caring for my mother than have to do it
himself), then my sister #1 and I went down for the remaining few days. Well,
before this happened, my sister #3 wanted everyone to make a ‘family calendar’
of the time of year they intend to come down and watch mom so she can ‘get away’.
A few of the others questioned that because we would always be there when she
needed,so why was she insisting on a 'family calender'. I even proposed the question directly to my sister #3. I said I think it
is better that you just tell us when you want to do something, and we always
come. She told me that she thought it was unfair to me because I was always the
one that would offer the most. And she knows she can always count on me. Well my brother #5 questioned her and she got
very upset. Is all he did was say (as I did) that it would be better if she let
us know when she needed someone. He lives in Baltimore, but he has been here a
few times to help (more than my oldest brother who lives about 30 minutes
away). She got VERY mad about him actually questioning her(and he was never mean or anything
like that, just simple question). And
she said she was going to start taking the money that we agreed to pay her. I
started thinking about it, she lives at my mothers house, she pays no rent, no
electricity, no phone, no internet. Her gas, food and toiletries are even paid
for by my mother. They had even put the car in my sisters name, so the car
really belongs to her. Now my mothers income has been cut almost in half since
my father passed away, so she really can not afford this. She also pays
yard maintenance, and to have the house exterminated for bugs monthly. Therefore,
I thought that was a little much from my sister. She has always been a very
dramatic person, and my father has helped her out sooo many times. She use to
live at my parents house about 4 years before this and once again paid NOTHING.
Anyway when my sister #1 and I went down to take care of my mother; when we got
there we mentioned this to my brother #7(the one that also lives there) was livid.
He and sister #3 have had many arguments in the past, and do not really get
along. Before we went down, my brother (#5) had told Shawn to check mom’s bank
account, and in the past Rosie (#4)-, who is a very opinionated person)has many
times had my brother Tony and Mike check on the bank account, because she did
not trust Maureen at all. So my sister #1 and I started looking at my mothers
bank account and we also knew my father had put my sister on his American express
account, so she had a card as well. We also tried to find the American express
bill to see what she has put on there. We were unable to find the bill, we
found out that she was having the bill emailed to her. I then checked the
account online and found that there was a lot of activity from my sister. We
also found that whenever she went to the store she used the ATM card and always
took out cash. My brother got more livid every minute, he was going to confront
her as soon as she got home. My sister and I did not think that was a good
idea, he has a bad temper and can get very mad and make things worse. So we
talked him out of it and another brother #9 was going to talk to her about
that. Well, that never happened, brother #9 has no backbone and chickened out. A few days later, my brother #7 confronted sister
#3 and they got into a huge argument, she packed a bag said she was leaving for good,
got into my mothers car, that is actually hers know, and left. Not telling
anyone where she was going or, when she was returning. She also knew Tony (#7) had to go back to work
and would have to go to work the next day, she did not care. My brother called
another brother #9, because he lives the closest(about 30 minutes), and he would not answer the
phone. He then called my oldest brother #2, and that brother said “What are you
going to do about it?” not offering to help at all, which is not surprising.
Then he once again called brother #9 and that brother said “Your problem, deal
with it”, and then hung up. So Tony (#7) called my sister #1,(who lives near
me, about 2 hours away) and she and her husband got right in their car and went
down to watch my mother. When they got down there, nobody had heard from
Maureen(#3) yet, so nobody knew when she was returning. My sister Shawn(#1) and
her husband decided to bring my mother back to their house until Maureen
returned. My brother Mike(#5) and I were talking in the phone after this
happened and we thought the best thing was to have my mother move in with me. I
am married and we have one son, but we have an extra room and I could take care
of her. Now, the reason we decided that was because we thought that everyone
would agree this would be the best thing for right now. Thinking back to when
my father first passed away, there was email going between family members
(especially my sister Rosie(#4)) about selling my mother house and moving her
and Maureen up closer to myself Patty(sister #10) and Shawn, we all live near each other. Well, as I said before, my mothers income had dropped a
lot and everyone was in agreement that she could not afford to buy a house
until the one down there had been sold. So there was discussion about renting
up here. So I actually believed her moving up here with me was the right answer
for know, and I thought everyone would agree. Well, was I wrong! Everyone was VERY
upset I did that. Poor Maureen, how could I do that to her? I was doing nothing
to her, it was not a good situation for my mother to be in and they knew we had
to sell her house. So what did I do wrong? I also got the care needed for my
mother, taking her to a Neurologist, general practitioner, day care at least once a
week. Making her get out of bed and walk (to get some exercise). I never asked
for help from anyone. My oldest sister
Shawn(#1), was a terrific help along with her husband. My brother Mike (#5) was
also terrific, moral support, he lives in Baltimore, so he is not able to be
here to help, which is fine, I understand. No body else did a thing! They were
all very mad that I actually had mom move in with me. When she was with
Maureen, everyone was talking about having her go to day care, get some exercise.
She wasn’t even getting her the correct care she needed, she was not having
anyone come in and take care of my mother, give her a bath, change her… The
worst part (actually there are so many I’m not sure which is worse), when my
mother was with me, I never asked to be paid for anything except reimbursement
for medicine and any special items I may have had to buy for her. I was also
having someone come in and give my mother a bath and wash her hair, so I was
reimbursed for that. Anyway, my mother was paying all the bills to her house, electricity,
mortgage, exterminator, yard maintenance, cable tv, phone, internet… while my
sister Maureen and Tony lived there and continued to pay nothing. Not one
person saw anything wrong with that except my sister Shawn(#1) and my brother
Mike (#5). But before this happened Rosie(the opinionated one in California)
and others(including Maureen)would complain a lot about Tony not paying
anything, but now it is fine. I had been going to Alzheimer’s support group once a
week, and everyone in the group finally talked me into taking my mother back
home, it was too hard on me with all that was going on. So, I did take her back home after 5 months.
My sister Shawn and I go down and take our mother out to lunch, we try once a
month. Another thing that really got me,
at Christmas, Shawn, her husband, Mike, My husband and myself all went down to
see our mother. They all had taken EVERY single picture of Shawn, her husband
and their son out of the house. That got me very upset, seeing the true colors again. I thought how dare
them, Shawn is their oldest daughter. It showed me their immaturity and hypocrisy
again. Well it has been a year, my son has joined the army, not one of them has
asked about him at all. Maureen, myself and my husband, all lived together when I
had my son. Maureen would always say, “Ollie has a special place in my heart”.
My son use to call her mom 2. The others would always say how they love
Ollie(my son). A year has gone by, he graduated high school, got his eagle
scout, joined the army, and not one of them sent him any kind of card or even
asked where he is and how he is doing. They know his email and our address,
even his cell phone. No invitation for Fourth of July party they have every
year, no invitation for Thanksgiving, no invitation to the Christmas party they
have every year, nothing at all for Christmas. The other thing, they do not let
us see anything concerning my mothers finances, and they do not let us now what
is going on with my mother. Maureen did tell us that a woman comes in twice a
week to bath my mother, and a general practitioner comes to the house to see
her (how often, I do not know). She does not take her to a Neurologist, and my mother lies in bed all day. We have no idea what money she has left, and how much she is
paying for everything. I do not even think any of them know. I do not believe
any of them are watching the bank account, so Maureen can do as she pleases. I
do know that Maureen is still using the AX card (which she has a few thousand dollars, and she has an ATM card. Whenever
she goes to the store she always gets money out and I really believe she is using
that money to pay her AX bill. They all can go ahead and support
Maureen all they want, but I will not. She has hurt me very much, along with
all the others. I have always tried to help all of them whenever I could, I
have never lied to any of them. Every one of them have said at one time or
another, either, Maureen lies, Maureen exaggerates, Maureen bends the truth. I
have NEVER lied to ANY of them. It has been a year and I think about this at
least twice a day, and I get angrier and angrier each time. I am just so amazed
they are doing this and can’t see that they are doing wrong. My mother should
be the main one they should be thinking about, but yet it is Maureen. They have
to know my mother lies in bed all day, they have to know she barely ever gets
out of the house, they have to know she isn’t seeing a Neurologist. And there
is nothing my sister Shawn, my brother Mike or I could do, the youngest has
power of attorney and she is so brain washed by Rosie and Maureen, she only
sees black where we are concerned. I also get very upset that not one of them
have ever asked about my son and how he is. I don’t know what to do, or even if
there is anything to do.
Thanks for listening,
Very Confused
