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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Number of Replies: 489
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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August 10, 2008, 3:38 pm CDT

what to do?

the story is long to get the full picture.the start was so,so.I am Latvian he is Irish,but that not the case.we have 3 year old daughter and I have 19 y old son living with us.My boyfriend Patrick is good worker and we we live together 4 years.no communications(very little as good morning and how was your day) in family,he refuses take showers,can go to bed with dirty feet and smelly body,dont wear underwear,no romance at all,wery narrow knwledge of world around eccept his work and a bit of local history.likes old buildings and nature.no help at home at all,i mean it.when moved in house all (even floors i put myself when i was 7 months pregnant)i have done everything-paint,furnishing,design etc.for last 2 years i bearly cope to live like that,but he dont talk.He can sit and listen in silence,after that asking quetion about the problem i just gave ansvers,so he didnt listen at all.he makes me tea and all material support is his house too,i dont have anything.I am in panik and dont know what to do,because i cant leave him -i have nowheare to go,child needs a daddy,she likes him.my son ignores Patrick,i'm in between 2 fires.Patrick dont drink and dont smoke.I smoke but that never was an issue,so i dont smoke in the house.he works 12 hours a day and i bearly see him.I buy closes in secondhand shops becose he says he cant afford to shop.i do my own closes as well.4 years we have no normal bathroom-there is kitchen sink in it.according all that i became nerve wreck and givin out on every step.i dont have sex drive tovards him anymore.I dont know how to save the family and I dont know how to live with him,if at all.
 
August 10, 2008, 3:45 pm CDT

P.S. to what to do?

i have no relations ,and his family never was friendly.I cant get friendly with them,cos my Patrick dont recignise fathers,mothers days,birthdays are just exuse to talk with his brothers about their things,Christmas is sinonym to pack the belly.May be somebody have similar experience and have some advice how to cope with life like that.
 
August 21, 2008, 8:38 am CDT

Dysfunctional family

I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started.

This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids.

The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I  have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function.  This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life.  This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing?

 
August 23, 2008, 9:49 am CDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: lily45

I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started.

This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids.

The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I  have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function.  This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life.  This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing?

The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in.  You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.

 

Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.

 

Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.

 

We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.

 

Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.

 

Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.

 

Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)

 

Take care of you,

~Ami

 

 
August 26, 2008, 10:49 am CDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: mewjag

The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in.  You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.

 

Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.

 

Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.

 

We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.

 

Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.

 

Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.

 

Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)

 

Take care of you,

Ami

 

Thanks. It has also really put a strain on my relationship with my husband. He has made the decision that the kids are to not be in her car at all until he feels comfortable with her and the decisions she makes. There has been no apology and everyone has just brushed it under the rug. He is constantly stressed and really wants nothing to with the family if she is going to be around, because it always ends up people questioning our decision(even though they agree) and us looking like very bad people. He doesn't have the patience like I do and somehow he will be the target should anything go wrong. It is my family so I want to be there, but also don't want to deal with the stress that is always associated with it.

She also allowed our 7 year old daughter to sit in the front seat after we said that she was not allowed, she wanted to leave her at home while she ran with our oldest to the store, so now we do not trust that she will abide by the rules we have set for them. When my oldest told her that we do not allowed that, she told her that when they are with her, they abide by her rules which I find so wrong. This all happened the following day after the drinking and driving with the children and I think she did it to spite us, because she was angry. So now we(husband is very solid on this issue) have decided that if that is the way she is going to be, then we will take control of our children and not allow them to go places with her. I know it is going to cause a huge uproar amongst the family and we are going to look like very mean, unfair people.

For the past 4 months, I have not been in to see my family because I know what will happen when the issue comes up and it is very stressful. I don't want another huge blow-up in front of the children and I know if it gets tense, my husband is going to lose it. We both are very tired of having to go through this and feel this way about the situation. Everyone else just accepts it and hides from it. 

 
August 27, 2008, 8:06 am CDT

same here

Quote From: lily45

I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started.

This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids.

The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I  have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function.  This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life.  This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing?

I did the same thing.  My parents would side with my sister everytime.  They would tell me that I was the problem because I over react.  We haven't seen them for 16 months now. I won't allow them to put the kids in danger.  i won't fight with them,  The kids come first.  PERIOD.  My sister hasn't stepped up.  The kids are doing so much better since they aren't around them.  My daughter had a 96.7 GPA and my son lost 50 pounds.  I tell them if they want to see the family I will let them but they say they have no interest.  I was vvery traumatic for them and with the help of counselling they are almost different kids.  Do what is best for the kids and you can't go wrong.  My siser is still trying to make problems by spreading rumors.  Keep strong.
 
September 7, 2008, 6:06 pm CDT

I hit my sister for hitting her kids....

I am at a crossroads here...I got into a physical confrontation with my sister because I was tired of keeping quiet whenever she hit or mistreated her kids. I don't know what came over me but I had had enough. I was telling our mother about what had happpened and she cursed at me and one thing led to another. We had never behaved in this way before. Needless to say we have had a falling out and hardly speak to each other. My parents blame me for it all and even confronted me, while drinking, that I hated my sister and demanded that 'you hate your sister and you don't love her..'. I was left with my jaw open and hurt feelings. I need to know if I was wrong. I would have defended her kids from anyone else who was hurting them including their own mother. I need some input....Thanks! 
 
September 24, 2008, 11:45 am CDT

family

Quote From: mewjag

The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in.  You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.

 

Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.

 

Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.

 

We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.

 

Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.

 

Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.

 

Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)

 

Take care of you,

Ami

 

i lived in with an alcoholic birthparent, what u did was right for standing up to her and helping the kids, at least they know there is someone out there to help protect them, people that drink get along with people that drink, if you don't drink then u will always be an outsider and think about it do you want to be like them and have people talk about u behind your back cause that is what is going on. Igrew up in the situation not good.......
 
September 27, 2008, 9:29 am CDT

pregnant sister won't move without loser boyfriend

Hello, my 21 year old sister is pregnant. She does not have a stable home. I offered to let her live with me, but she refuses to come without her boyfriend. He is a loser with no job. Sometimes when they argue he grabs her by the arm, leaving bruises. What do I do? I desperatly want her and the baby to live with me but her boyfriend is trouble and she won't come without him. Help 
 
October 10, 2008, 11:08 am CDT

I am to Blame

This is a life story about my daughter, who is now 21. She is currently engaged to a young man of 22 and their wedding date is 05/09/09. Since their engagement, my daughter has discussed with me her frustrations of her "fiance" being lazy with finding a job, since his current job was to expire on 10/09/08. She has told me that he is looking for a job but can't find the right one, either the pay is not good enough, or companies just aren't hiring. He is in a band and has been for several years. So, now I have been told, mind you, through the grapevine that he and his band are leaving in two weeks and will be gone for 3 weeks to tour. I of course had immediate concern, so I contacted my daughter, who in turn assured me that this is happening and she is HAPPY about it! For five years now, since she began a relationship with this boy, her dad and I have been the ones to blame for everything in her life. She had a wonderful life and this included being a competitive figure skater with tons of opportunities..but once this boy entered her life, she did not want to skate anymore, of course her and his answer is, SHE did not like it anymore..hm wonder why? But, that again was our fault, that we made her skate! How about coming over to my house and watching the 150 videos of her skating and tell me we made her! But, for the last 5 years, she has not included me in her life, we get to visit with her about 1 hour out of a month and I always find things out through other people..reason she does not talk to me, is because I get mad at her..I get mad because she does not come and talk to me and I hear these things about my daughter from other people in our family or through acquaintances..bring us forward to date, now she is to get married to a young man who is wanting to be in a band and travel..where does this leave my daughter and her future with someone who is not going to be by her side? I have confronted her fiance and his answer is "This is what I have always wanted to do", my reply and what does she(wife) do while he is gone? Work, pay bills, worry about the real world, while you are gone for weeks or months..what about children, his response, she won't get pregnant, my response, oh really and your for sure about that! Lots more was said, but bottom line is I as her mother am worried that I and her dad are to pay $10,000 for a wedding in 7 months, and he is going to be touring in a band and leave his wife at home..great way to start a marriage..I had and have requested they postpone the wedding and wait to see what happens with his music career, thus he does not plan to get a job and take care of his wife, he is going to tour and take care of his personal dreams and needs on her expense! With that said, my relationship with my daughter is probably over, I did tell them I am not paying for a wedding knowing that this marriage is not based on their future, it is based on his future..of course my daughter says she supports him and that is great, but I am worried to see her support in a way that she is giving up her beliefs of her future with him! She also quit college and now just works her butt off as a figure skating coach and m akes a very good living and all I see is how convenient for her fiance, that she does have a stable job, makes good m oney, and is going to be the good little wife. I know from personal life experiences, this marriage will most likely fail and then I will have a very depressed and sad daughter. It's quite a sad day, when your own child has grown into a beautiful woman and all and any opportunity can come to her in a second, but she has given up all she is for a young man..bottom line, she quit skaing, she quit college, she quit a relationship with her parents(although that is our fault), quit talking to her grandy(her grandma has been a big influence in her life)..as I was told by her fiance, you do not know your daughter, she knows she has your last name..he forgets I am her mother and that will never change..
 
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