Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Wow this is a hard one hunny, Umm I dont have any great advice but try and stay neutral? This is something that you really can not do anything about but be supportive to all involved.. Of course your mother is hurt and of course your brothers are mad they are all in shock I am sure.. That is a long time to be together and have no clue.! A Very difficult situation here.. I hope the best for all involved and try and stay strong it can get very ugly an I am sure very painfull. Good Luck

It is very sad that your family is broken. Your father is gay; that means he has been gay for a long time but he’s been trying to fit into society’s ideal “American Dream,” and it hasn’t worked for him. Try your best to be understanding of your brother’s feelings- when they want to talk to you, just listen- don’t defend your father or say anything about him; because it sounds as though your brothers really just need someone to vent to. You are in the same boat as they are- he is your father, too! It sounds like you’ve got a different outlook on the situation, though, and although this is a very difficult time, you will come out healthier in the end. My biggest advice for you is to seek professional therapy for yourself, because dealing with every one else’s problems tends to force a person like yourself to put your own issues on the back burner and to forget to take care of yourself. You need and deserve a ‘soft place to fall,’ as Dr. Phil would say, a professional, unbiased person would be the right fit for you. I wish you the best!

Well it has been over a year when this whole mess started(for me anyway, my other sister it has been 20). My mother and father were married 61 years and ten children, 5 girls and 5 boys.  My father just passed away at the age of 91, Jan. 2007. My mother has been diagnosed with Alzhiemer's. I posted the whole story before, so I won't make this long again, becuase it is a long story. Anyway, when I thought I was doing right by my mother, having her move in here with my self, my husband and son. Everyone got very upset with me, I guess because they thought the only reason I did that was to spite my sister Maureen. Nobody has told me the true reason, it's as if everyone is afraid to speak. They do not have any backbone it seems. So anyway. like I said it has been over a year, I still think about it everyday; that is usually my first thought when I get up and my last when I go to bed (if I sleep at all). On my birthday, two of my brothers and their wifes called my husbands cell phone to have him tell me happy birthday from them. Why did they not call my phone? To me that is not sincere, I do not except their happy birthday. My son, who just turned 19, has joined the Army. He could be in Iraq for all they know. Last year, he graduated High School, no cards or phone calls of any kind to him. My nephew and his wife always have a 4th of July party every year and they invite whole family. The last one, nobody ever called my son and invited him. Thanksgiving, we all usually get together at my oldest brothers house, last year, no invitation what-so-ever to my son. My oldest brother and his wife have a Christmas party every year, last year no invitation to my son wait-so-ever. Christmas, no invitation, no cards, NOTHING for my son. The son who, every one of them claim to LOVE so much and think he is a wonderful young man.
Well, my brother who lives in Minnesota is coming down with his family next month. He called my husband (not me) to let him know and to say he would like to get together. My husband told him he thinks it is about time that my brother sit down with me and talk. I know my brother, just like all of them, he will say he did not do anything, and he will not want to talk about what this is really about. Just like every one of them, they all want to just hide and not face reality, act as if nothing happened. That is excactly what they did with my oldest sister. I am guilty of that also, I am 11 years younger than her, I was very sick at one time and I was guilty of never wanting to hear the whole story. I never really talked about it, nobody ever did. One of my sisters did and she tried to turn the whole family against my oldest. She and my oldest brother(who was directly involved with what happened) were successful in turning some against my oldest.
Anyway, so what do I do? Do I act just as they are, as if nothing ever happened? As if they never REALLY hurt me, and I sleep just fine and never think about this? Be as fake as they are? One of my beothers rented a house in the Florida keys, all of them are going down for, I geuss a week. One of my sisters finally emailed my son and asked him if he would be able to come down for a few days. I am torn, I do want him to stay close to his cousins, I think that is important. But then what about his Aunts and Uncles? The ones who wanted nothing to do with him for so long? The ones that hurt me so much, the cause of my sleepless nights and worrying? Do I want him to be around such phony people?
I would appreciate any and all responses. Maybe I am completely wrong and should act as they do, to me though, it is really phony.

                     You never know the meaning of family until you lose one. That is what happened to me and my brothers and sisters when we were very young. My dad and brother left when I was very young girl. For years I tried to find where they might be, but it was as if the earth had just swallowed them up. So I went on with my life and my memories. Then about a month ago My brother Frank emailed an invition to our family board. From there I found that I had even more brothers and sisters, one as young as 23. Then the most amazing thing happended My brother who haven't seen in 38 years was found. We are now in contact with each other and the healing is starting to happen . As the old saying goes you really never know what you have until it's gone, but when it's found you never let it go again                         Mary in Oregon

 

I don't know why I post this. I can only say that I'm a single father who has learned a very valuable and important lesson. I hope any men who read this can take a moment and think. I am not preaching nor do I think I am now the greatest father. I can only hope it causes some men to sit back and think. So, here goes....

 

 There are many thoughts that I contemplate deep within the corridors of my mind. One of which I will attempt to talk about is LOVE. Has anybody truly sat down and thought about what love truly is? As I sit and think a thought comes to mind.

In growing up in a Latino home I saw that showing love as a man was to work and provide for the family. my father was a hard working man. He worked six days a week and in the 19 years I lived at home I never saw my father take a vacation, a day off, or a sick day. However, my father never said the words "I love you." My mother would always say, "Your father loves you. Look at what he does for us. Do you think it's easy to pay the bills?"

 

When my son was born I too started out like my father. For the first six months of my son's life I worked as many overtime hours as possible. Many times exceeding 70 hours per week. I would come home after work and spend no quality time with my son. I would not change a diaper, warm a bottle, give him a bath, or rock him to sleep. In my ignorance I thought it was my wife's job. Little did I know that my life was about to drastically change. I ended up separated and divorced.

 

This left me to take care of my son all alone when I had him. I had to bathe him, change him, feed him, rock him to sleep, and wake up at night when he cried. To say I had no idea what I was doing is an understatement! I have never experienced anything so physically, mentally, and emotionally tough and draining. In going through that life altering experience I have found a new respect and admiration for all single mothers. Words can't express the level of sacrifice a single mother gives. I was not a single father in the true sense of the word because I shared custody with my ex-wife. However, the days I had my son it was as if I worked 24 hours a day. To all the single mothers out there THANK YOU! I finally realize what the word love really means. I am so thankful for what I went through. I have developed a connection with my son that I would never have had. How many father out there know there son's favorite color, favorite cartoon, or even their favorite food? We as fathers take the little moments for granted. Simply giving your child a bath is a bonding event. I found myself getting emotional just watching my little boy play so happily in the bath. With all the crashing and shooting sounds he made with his toys my connection and love grew. I found myself laying next to him watching him sleep, listening to his little breaths, and sometimes taking in a deep smell from the top of his head. The weird thing is that to this day when I think of those moments I can still smell his baby scent. I can't imagine the connection a mother has carrying a life within her for 9 months. Then going through the long, arduous, and pain staking birth process. When I think of that bond I'm envious. It makes me look within myself and ask the question: Could I be strong enough to go through that? The truthful answer is I don't know. I have a new found respect for all women in this world. I have had a revelation. Society tends to think of men as strong, leaders of their families. Guess what??? Not true at all. We as men don't realize the true sense of the word strength. We think that going to work and making money is enough. Not even close guys! A woman's work is never done, and if I had not gone through what I did I would have never known. We as men think we are the leaders of our families..... What does a leader do? A leader guides people, a leader helps people, a leader teaches people, a leader motivates people, supports people and leads by example. Who truly does all those things for your children? If you're being honest with yourself you know it's their mother. What hypocrites we are as men to think we are leaders. Who spends almost every hour of their life teaching your children right from wrong? Who spends almost every hour of their life building the moral foundation upon which your children will lie their lives? That's right.... MOTHERS.

Men, I urge you to take a serious look at your lives. Ask yourself, "Do I really know my children?" If the answer is no I'm here to tell you it's not too late. Your children love you. They want you to know them. You'll be amazed at how your love will grow by getting involved in the little day to day things. Bathe your children, cook for them, feed them, change their diapers, put them to sleep, and when they have a nightmare wake up and let your wife stay in bed (even though she will still get up). I have to be honest it feels good that my son calls out, "DADDY!" when he has a nightmare. Who do your children call out for? Love your children the way they deserve. Give yourself the opportunity to experience motherly love. Some of you may read this and laugh while others may try it. For those that do you will see that it's a life altering experience. It will change you as a father and a man. You will look at the world with different eyes. We can learn a lot from our women. I ask you to be "man" enough to try.

 

 I am worried about my husband. It's a long story. It all began in 2003, after we had our first baby. We had some problems when it came to parenting. My husband is raised in a US AirForce family with lot of disipline and his dad was abusive to him. I'm the oppsite, im strict but not like my man. He have never been abusive to our kids , cause he dont want to be like his dad.  On top of this I was suffering from a birth depression.  I was so down from all this , stupid me seeked help from child service, something a very much regret today.  They like to think they helped us. but all they did was making it worse.  In 2004 my husband couldnt take it anymore here in Norway (He's american,im Norwegian) and he wanted to go back home to get a job there. So he went to stay with his dad that he just got contact with again after 20 years. When he left my depression hit me even worse , I couldnt get out of bed I was too broken. My mum helped me with my daughter.  He came back 5 moths later cause he couldnt  get a job. He was offered some more cousres to learn Norwegian but he dont want to speak the language, he hate everything about Norway. We still had problems with disagreing on child rising. He went back to the US in 2006 then to stay with his sister, this after I found out I was pregnant again, but I said it was ok . He came back again after 2 months. He left again in oct 2007 and  now in the US again. During this time since october I have been through a court case with the child service, they wanted custody of my oldest. we won the case, but only becuase my husband wasnt here , They wanted to givr me a chance on my own. A lot of the documents in this case are wrong. Im not a bad mother, my kids get all the love, care,food, help they need. Im being punished for being a calm and quiet person.  They dont really have a case. My husband wants to come back, but if he do we most likely lose our kids, I want  me but im scared. He refuse to read the court documents. All he see is that we won and they lost. He dont care about laws. He is very depressed and he have said many times he rather be dead. He told me yesterday he wanted to throw himself in front of a moving bus. Im worried about him. I wish I could be with him. I wish he would find a job, just like he wants. He is being consumed by his anger.  I know that the husband I know is still there behind the wall of anger,hate and fear. Im so scared to find out that he ended his own life.I just couldnt take that if it happened.  Just dont know what to do. I love him ,if it wasnt for the case I let him come back.

I urge you to seek help from a trained professional to learn how to pull yourself out of this depression. (A therapist, counselor, something along those lines.) As you already know, it is very difficult, sometimes even impossible, to pull yourself out of depression when you are all alone. You have a child (children? That was not clear in your post.) who NEEDS you. You cannot even think about allowing your husband to come home, unless he lives somewhere else. You cannot take the chance of losing your child.
Your husband’s depression must be very difficult to deal with, because you are also dealing with your own depression. My advice to you is to put your focus and energy on something that you have some power/control over- and that is yourself. There is nothing that you can say or do that will change your husband, he has to WANT to create positive changes in his life, to create happiness and a sense of well-being. That is the only way that things will ever turn around. Meanwhile, you must focus on yourself and your life. Think about your child. As a parent myself, I know that you want your children to have happy, healthy and productive lives. To make that happen, you have to give your children a happy, healthy and productive mother. Your attitude and the way that you lead each and every day of your life is like a template for your children to learn from. They will grow up, go out into the world, and live the way that they have watched you live. Take a look at your daily life; is this how you want your children to live in the future? If not, it is time to make a commitment to creating positive, healthy changes in your home. You can do this, you have to do this- you are stronger then you think. I wish you the best. Be your own best friend, and take care of YOU.

My estranged husband and in the process of a divorce. Today, he informed me that he and the children are one family and that the children and I are another family. He doesn't want to spend any time with me , because he is not comfortable, therefore precluding the four of us spending time together as a family.

I disagreed with him, stating that we may be an estranged, divorcing family but that he is still the father, I am still the mother and we are still the parents.  I asked what it would hurt to spend time together as a family and also to show the chldren that we are getting along?  I had suggested that we spend time on father's day, because he deserved to have a nice day.  The children feel that they have a right to be angry with him and they are still working through their feelings and their relationship with their father is strained. I called him because i saw a Dr. Phil show (thus this cry for help) and decided that I needed to be the hero of our family.  I didn't realize it at first, but now I have realized how important it is for me to express to the children that they will respect their father and they will have a relationship with him. They need their father in their life.

But his current edict makes it hard for me to try to normalize relationships.  i want to tell him that if we keep everything separate then the children would have to choose between us and that is sooo wrong. Our son's BDay is four days after Father's Day -- so I will invite him to the party.  However he sees this type of gesture and my other gestures of kindness as displays of affection (as he told the counselor).  I really want to give up!  If I am kind, then I am ..... If I don't do something he expects, then he says I am trying to hurt him. There is a third party involved with him and I am wondering how much that is contaminating the situation. Neverheless he is the boss of his behavior as I am of mine. I am just going to try to keep my head about me and do the right thing and just keep being the person I like myself being. But if you can offer any advice or encouragement that will help me so that things can get better for the children, please do!

 

 

My advice to you is to continue to invite him to events in the children’s lives. You are right- he is their father and they do need and deserve a healthy relationship with him. He is having a difficult time right now because, in my opinion, of that “third party” that you mentioned. That other person is not ‘happy’ with knowing that he is around you, and he doesn’t want to make that person unhappy. Remember that “honeymoon” period in the relationship when you’d do anything to make your partner happy? Well, he is experiencing that right now with her. Over time, hopefully, he will relax and realize that you are only being courteous. You are being the ‘hero’ that Dr. Phil talks about, and I congratulate you on that. I know it isn’t always easy, but it is the right thing to do. Continue to be yourself, to be the person that you know you are & that you are happy with. Don’t worry about what he says or thinks of you; it isn’t relevant and it won’t change your actions. Best wishes!