Quote From: lily45I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started.
This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids.
The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function. This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life. This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing?
The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you,
~Ami