Topic : The Meaning of "Family"
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August 16, 2008, 7:21 am PDT
 Quote From: artame i have no relations ,and his family never was friendly.I cant get friendly with them,cos my Patrick dont recignise fathers,mothers days,birthdays are just exuse to talk with his brothers about their things,Christmas is sinonym to pack the belly.May be somebody have similar experience and have some advice how to cope with life like that. My only advice to you is probably what you already know: it is not healthy for you to continue living like this. As a parent myself, I know that what you want for your children is for them to grow up and be happy, healthy, and productive citizens of the world. However, for that to happen, you have to give your children a happy, healthy and productive mother; it is the best gift that you could ever give them in their lives. So, no matter what you do about this relationship with your partner, you need to begin working on the one and only person that you have any control over, and that is YOU. There is nothing that you can say or do that will make him change, he has to WANT to change. Until he wants to change, all you can do is focus on yourself, make positive changes in yourself. I urge you to seek professional counseling, because you need and deserve to have a place where you can vent your thoughts, feelings and frustrations, and in return, receive professional guidance on how to improve your self esteem. Also, there are some great self-help books out there; one that I highly recommend is Dr. Phil’s “self matters,” it gives you ways to take baby steps towards positive change. Your daughter is old enough for pre-school, so there is no time like the present to seek a part time job for yourself. This will give you some income that you can begin to tuck away for your “escape.” If you aren’t strong enough to do this for yourself, do it for your children. Otherwise, they will grow up, go out into the world, find a mate just like yours, and they will be miserable, too. I know that you don’t want that for them. I wish you the best. I know that change is difficult; but living like this is difficult, too. |
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August 21, 2008, 8:38 am PDT
I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started. This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids. The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function. This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life. This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing? |
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August 23, 2008, 9:49 am PDT
Quote From: lily45 I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started. This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids. The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function. This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life. This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing? The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you, ~Ami
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August 26, 2008, 10:49 am PDT
Quote From: mewjag The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you, Ami
Thanks. It has also really put a strain on my relationship with my husband. He has made the decision that the kids are to not be in her car at all until he feels comfortable with her and the decisions she makes. There has been no apology and everyone has just brushed it under the rug. He is constantly stressed and really wants nothing to with the family if she is going to be around, because it always ends up people questioning our decision(even though they agree) and us looking like very bad people. He doesn't have the patience like I do and somehow he will be the target should anything go wrong. It is my family so I want to be there, but also don't want to deal with the stress that is always associated with it. She also allowed our 7 year old daughter to sit in the front seat after we said that she was not allowed, she wanted to leave her at home while she ran with our oldest to the store, so now we do not trust that she will abide by the rules we have set for them. When my oldest told her that we do not allowed that, she told her that when they are with her, they abide by her rules which I find so wrong. This all happened the following day after the drinking and driving with the children and I think she did it to spite us, because she was angry. So now we(husband is very solid on this issue) have decided that if that is the way she is going to be, then we will take control of our children and not allow them to go places with her. I know it is going to cause a huge uproar amongst the family and we are going to look like very mean, unfair people. For the past 4 months, I have not been in to see my family because I know what will happen when the issue comes up and it is very stressful. I don't want another huge blow-up in front of the children and I know if it gets tense, my husband is going to lose it. We both are very tired of having to go through this and feel this way about the situation. Everyone else just accepts it and hides from it. |
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August 27, 2008, 8:06 am PDT
Quote From: lily45 I come from a large family and for years every time we get together, there is major drama. Usually it stems from drinking and sitting around talking about issues. One sister in particular is the common denominator in all these arguments and drama. I would say that she has a problem and so would other family members they just refuse to admit it to her because they are afraid of the outcome. So family functions are very stressful because you never know what will spark her and get the whole thing started. This sister is also the one that took my children to stay with her and then at 11:00pm, I got a frantic call from my mother saying that she had to take the children from my sister because my other sister called her and said that the she was driving around with them after drinking several bottles of wine. It ended up in a huge blow-out, the kids crying and calling us just sobbing/inconsolable. The bad thing was, we were back home which is out of town from where the rest of my family lives, so we could not be there to comfort our children. So after this incident which is not the first one, we decided to put our foot down and not allow the kids to go to her house. Enough is enough and we will not put our kids lives in danger because she wants to drink and defy our authority with our kids. The problem is that everyone else in the family just sweeps all the issues we all have with her under the rug and therefore it makes us out to be evil people. Each one of us have had some form of run-in with her and we all feel the same way regarding her, they again just don't want to deal with the rage of her when they confront her about it. It is very troubling because I feel like I have no support with my decision. They all say they do and agree with us, but when it is confronted, they all back off and allow me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad person. And trust me she gets evil,so you don't really want to be the sole fighter in this battle. I have no idea what to do, I have not gone to visit because I know I it will start something and I will be left to fight her off. It stresses me greatly. They all have this attitude that we are family(dysfunctional family) and therefore just let it go. No this was very traumatic for my children, no one else has had to go through what we went through that night and this is also an every time occurrence at every family function. This sister is also messed up in other things as well: work,finances,relationships(she is single), everyday life. This whole thing happened four months ago and it still really bothers me because she says she did nothing wrong and would like me to take some responsibility in the matter. What responsibility, protecting my kids? The last few episodes over the years, I have been the one to resolve it finally, even when she was the sole instigator becasue I just couldn't handle the stress, but this time, I feel she needs to step up and apologize for putting all of us in that situation. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do and abandoned in this whole thing? I did the same thing. My parents would side with my sister everytime. They would tell me that I was the problem because I over react. We haven't seen them for 16 months now. I won't allow them to put the kids in danger. i won't fight with them, The kids come first. PERIOD. My sister hasn't stepped up. The kids are doing so much better since they aren't around them. My daughter had a 96.7 GPA and my son lost 50 pounds. I tell them if they want to see the family I will let them but they say they have no interest. I was vvery traumatic for them and with the help of counselling they are almost different kids. Do what is best for the kids and you can't go wrong. My siser is still trying to make problems by spreading rumors. Keep strong. |
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August 28, 2008, 3:51 pm PDT
Quote From: malachy100 Artame,
It sounds like you need to have some social support around you. There must be some community counselling progams available where you can go and get some help sorting through your feelings. Your boyfriend sounds as if he is a product of his upbringing and perhaps there was poverty and neglect that he had to adjust to as a boy. Having money (not spending it and being miserly) is often a result of growing up in a very poor family-My parents are Irish and my father had some similar issues with spending and acting as if the money was HIS and not HERS too. He doesn't seem to have the communication or relationship tools necessary to be a sensitive husband. He sounds like a good man in some respects...but that he may be selfish. Why has he not married you? He may be afraid of being hurt or that you will leave him. Did another woman do this? Does his parents have a good relationship?
here are some suggestions;
Get community support (women's services, immigrant services) this may include counselling, help with finding a job, child care for your daughter etc.
Talk to his mother or other family member about your feelings (if you trust them) You may be surprised how the family will support you.
Find a job-you need this for leverage (he sees money as a source of power and independence) If he sees that you have the means to leave -he may want to work on the relationship. If he doesn't want to work on it , then you have a way out. I believe in Ireland he may have to pay child support even if you are not married. Check into this through womens' services.
Write him a letter about what you NEED him to do to resolve things for you. DO NOT criticize, judge but start the letter with. "I need you to do the following things for me: Shower before bed, take out the garbage,go shopping with me on Saturday, go to the park on Sunday for a walk...men think differently than women do and communicate differently to. Maybe this will help. Tell him that you care for him but that you are getting very sad and will BE making changes in your living arrangements if he doesn't begin to help you and take your needs seriously.
Look after yourself and your daughter and put her needs first. Yes she loves her father but she needs him to love her mother too. You are teaching her to have lower standards for herself by continuing to let your needs be ignored.
Peace, blessings and good luck to all of you
CK
thank u very much for good advice!it helped me a lot,othervise i tend to blame myself about my living standards and thats no good
thank u for support! God bless and take care! |
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September 7, 2008, 6:06 pm PDT
I am at a crossroads here...I got into a physical confrontation with my sister because I was tired of keeping quiet whenever she hit or mistreated her kids. I don't know what came over me but I had had enough. I was telling our mother about what had happpened and she cursed at me and one thing led to another. We had never behaved in this way before. Needless to say we have had a falling out and hardly speak to each other. My parents blame me for it all and even confronted me, while drinking, that I hated my sister and demanded that 'you hate your sister and you don't love her..'. I was left with my jaw open and hurt feelings. I need to know if I was wrong. I would have defended her kids from anyone else who was hurting them including their own mother. I need some input....Thanks! |
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September 24, 2008, 11:45 am PDT
Quote From: mewjag The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you, Ami
i lived in with an alcoholic birthparent, what u did was right for standing up to her and helping the kids, at least they know there is someone out there to help protect them, people that drink get along with people that drink, if you don't drink then u will always be an outsider and think about it do you want to be like them and have people talk about u behind your back cause that is what is going on. Igrew up in the situation not good....... |
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September 27, 2008, 9:29 am PDT
Hello, my 21 year old sister is pregnant. She does not have a stable home. I offered to let her live with me, but she refuses to come without her boyfriend. He is a loser with no job. Sometimes when they argue he grabs her by the arm, leaving bruises. What do I do? I desperatly want her and the baby to live with me but her boyfriend is trouble and she won't come without him. Help |
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October 10, 2008, 11:08 am PDT
This is a life story about my daughter, who is now 21. She is currently engaged to a young man of 22 and their wedding date is 05/09/09. Since their engagement, my daughter has discussed with me her frustrations of her "fiance" being lazy with finding a job, since his current job was to expire on 10/09/08. She has told me that he is looking for a job but can't find the right one, either the pay is not good enough, or companies just aren't hiring. He is in a band and has been for several years. So, now I have been told, mind you, through the grapevine that he and his band are leaving in two weeks and will be gone for 3 weeks to tour. I of course had immediate concern, so I contacted my daughter, who in turn assured me that this is happening and she is HAPPY about it! For five years now, since she began a relationship with this boy, her dad and I have been the ones to blame for everything in her life. She had a wonderful life and this included being a competitive figure skater with tons of opportunities..but once this boy entered her life, she did not want to skate anymore, of course her and his answer is, SHE did not like it anymore..hm wonder why? But, that again was our fault, that we made her skate! How about coming over to my house and watching the 150 videos of her skating and tell me we made her! But, for the last 5 years, she has not included me in her life, we get to visit with her about 1 hour out of a month and I always find things out through other people..reason she does not talk to me, is because I get mad at her..I get mad because she does not come and talk to me and I hear these things about my daughter from other people in our family or through acquaintances..bring us forward to date, now she is to get married to a young man who is wanting to be in a band and travel..where does this leave my daughter and her future with someone who is not going to be by her side? I have confronted her fiance and his answer is "This is what I have always wanted to do", my reply and what does she(wife) do while he is gone? Work, pay bills, worry about the real world, while you are gone for weeks or months..what about children, his response, she won't get pregnant, my response, oh really and your for sure about that! Lots more was said, but bottom line is I as her mother am worried that I and her dad are to pay $10,000 for a wedding in 7 months, and he is going to be touring in a band and leave his wife at home..great way to start a marriage..I had and have requested they postpone the wedding and wait to see what happens with his music career, thus he does not plan to get a job and take care of his wife, he is going to tour and take care of his personal dreams and needs on her expense! With that said, my relationship with my daughter is probably over, I did tell them I am not paying for a wedding knowing that this marriage is not based on their future, it is based on his future..of course my daughter says she supports him and that is great, but I am worried to see her support in a way that she is giving up her beliefs of her future with him! She also quit college and now just works her butt off as a figure skating coach and m akes a very good living and all I see is how convenient for her fiance, that she does have a stable job, makes good m oney, and is going to be the good little wife. I know from personal life experiences, this marriage will most likely fail and then I will have a very depressed and sad daughter. It's quite a sad day, when your own child has grown into a beautiful woman and all and any opportunity can come to her in a second, but she has given up all she is for a young man..bottom line, she quit skaing, she quit college, she quit a relationship with her parents(although that is our fault), quit talking to her grandy(her grandma has been a big influence in her life)..as I was told by her fiance, you do not know your daughter, she knows she has your last name..he forgets I am her mother and that will never change.. |
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