Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

I can't think of one good reason why you should have a relationship with them, can you? 

If the people who were supposed to love you, care for you, and protect you, didn't do any of those things, then why should they have the privledge of a relationship with you now? 

The only difference would be if they were to admit their wrongdoings and apologize... perhaps if they could say that they are different people now, things would be different. 

Its important that you don't hold a hateful grudge against them because you deserve to be a happy, healthy person. When you hold onto deep rage, it keeps you from moving forward into a fulfilling life. That doesn't mean to forigive and forget, it just means to learn how to move past the pain and onto a life of happiness without your parents. 

This is in regards to the injustices the courts have done to me. Iam a 35 year old father of two boys, a 9 year old from my first marriage who lives with me near Springfield, Missouri and a 19 month old son who was taken by my second wife to Cleveland , Ohio while she was 7 months pregnant with him.  

  We got married in October 2003 after a short courtship and we found out 2 weeks before our wedding she was pregnant when she went to the doctor for a bad cold. She had told me she COULDNT have kids and at 32 and had been married before and had no children I believed her.  

   In march 2004 just five months into our marriage I had to have surgery to repair my spine and I was bedridden when at 7 months pregnant when she led me to believe she was off to work when in fact she was off to 850 miles away in Ohio. I begged her to come back and she refused, said she wasn't happy and she was going to have our baby in Ohio.  

     So she did have our son MAy 26th 2004 in Ohio and I have only seen myson 4 times since. I waited and waited for a court date and Ohio insisted that the custody would be decided there because my son was born in Ohio. SO I had to get an Attorney in Ohio and wait a year for trial. I asked for visitation and temporary custody and got nothing even though we were still married. So after my son was a year old I drive 16 hours to Ohio for court back in May 2005 and the day of court my attorney was called in to talk to judge an he said Ohio didnt have jurisdiction!! I waited a year for justice and was sent home with nothing! I tried to get Missouri to take jurisdiction since we were married here and lived in Missouri, but before I could do that the judge in Ohio said they had jurisdiction again! So I had to wait til November 21st 2005. 

      Last month we went to court again in Ohio and only got half way through the trial when the day was over at 4 30 pm. The judge heard my wife admit to having sex with her sister when she was 18 and her twin brother trying to get on her too and the judge heard that NOW she and my son are living with her first husband who couldnt get her pregnant and he still grants her temporary custody and says my son cannot leave their county. He says the incest/molestation history in her family is irrelevent because it wasn't done to a baby boy. I asked the judge for a visit in Missouri cause my family is all here and my son has never been here since she was still pregnant at 7 months and he said no. He said he didn't want child removed from his jurisdiction until we can finish the trial at a later date.  

     So what temporary visitation do I get with him? Monday - Friday 8am to 5pm! That would be okay, but remeber judge I live and I work 850 miles southwest in MIssouri!!!!!!! Iam sick of my wife treating me like he is her possesion and not my son. My oldest son wants to be with his little brother and I want my boys to grow up together. Iam an upstanding dad and I have never ever done anything wrong to deserve whats happened to me. Its a case of one state (Ohio) not caring that Iam missing out on years of my son's life because their courts keep dragging this out. 

     Now they are saying they can't get this back into court until May 2006!!!!! My son will be 2!!!!!!! Its just not fair PERIOD!! Ive written Dr. Phil tons of times asking for help to no avail...... 

Dear Robin, 

I love your name by the way ;-).  I would appreciate your parenting advice for me and my 21 yr. old daughter.  She has never been told that her "Dad", is not her "biological father", and I really feel that each day not doing so, could be fatal to her.  Not because she has the potential for any immediate medical problems, but because her "father" was/is an alcoholic.   I'm sure that you understand my concern for her, as she is now old enough to drink legally, and is doing her all american part of such.  Fortunately (and unfortunately), her "Dad" has also became an alcoholic since she went to college 2 years ago, so she sees first hand what the disease can do to even the strongest of people, in a very short period of time, and how badly it effects everyone around them. 
Now I'm torn in knowing that her knowing how her Dad has become, and how it could have effected my choice 21+ years ago to leave her father, will leave her feeling about both herself and me.  I don't want her to think that I would ever leave her if she ever became a victem of the disease, but I really want her to know how vulnerable she is to it, and how very sorry I am that I chose to carry a child with MY knowledge of how high risk my child would be for alcoholism.  I don't regret having her, but I now feel ver selfish and guilty because she now has to carry the burden of the potential of alcoholism.  Especially since my Dad/father was one too!!
Now I am going through my 2nd divorce since she was born (to her step dad as of age 9), and she is fresh out of 2 year college in LA and in deep student loan debt.  To make matter worse, her alcoholic dad is dying of emphasema and alcohol, but not in a very rapid manner.  It has definately effected his brain though already, and he is becoming senile and somewhat demented, but refuses medical care of any kind.  As a result, he is becoming very verbally and financially abusive towards her, and it is turning her "daddy world" upside down and apart. 
Then, just to top the cake, after having lived so somewhat independantly  for 2 years in LA on her student loans, she had such a hard time having to move back in with me afterwards, that she totally sabotaged our relationship, trashed me and my home, and gave me no choice but to send her packing to live with her girlfriends.    Robin, that killed me.  Ripped my heart out , far worse than my husband did when he had me come home from work on July 4th weekend, only to find him and all of his things gone.  Stuck me with the house, the animals, the bills, everything, including trying to explain what I had no clue of, to my daughter.  THAT is all still in process, but I am most concerned about how and when I should tell my kid about her "father", and the choices I made 21+ years ago when I chose to keep her, but not him.   

My Dad didn't know that he was adopted, and as a result, he died at age 43 when I was 9 years old.  The disease that killed him would have been easily controlled by his giving blood weekly, to remove the excess iron in his blood.  Because he had no reason to worry about it (not knowing that his parents weren't his biological ones), even his doctors were clueless until his autopsy was done. 
Robin, I don't want to wait for autopsy results for my child.  Her life is in seriously heavy emotional upheaval right now, and she is a financial nightmare waiting to wake up.  She doesn't so much as look at her bank statements, because " what the heck, the bank knows what goes in and out, and that's what they are paid to do.  Handle it.".  Scairy!!    And I can't even afford to help her out, because I am scrambling to stay afloat myself since my husband left, and dumped it all on me as well. 
I don't want to dump any more baggage on my kid, but I don't want her to fall victem of anything that she isn't even open to looking for (like my Dad was) either.
Please help me with any advice that you would be so kind as to offer.  I truly do respect you and your husband's judgements and opinions.
Thanks for reading all of this, and for listening.
 

I read your message and could feel your pain. I too am in a similar situation but only engaged to their dad and recently moved in with him.  His children are adults 29 and 35 single males. They were raised very protected, close knit family, private schools, designer clothes etc. Both graduated from college but never left home. Their mom passed away from cancer and there dad didn't date for four years until he met me. I personally thought they were the greatest for two years until their dad and I got engaged and then the horns came out. They made no bones about it that they didn't think I was suitable for their dad and they would never accept me. I was devastated because they never showed a sign of that . Since then they reverted to calling me by my first name instead of putting the Ms. in front of it like they use to. I would like to think it was because they felt close to me but I really believe it's to show disrespect.  I can be talking telling a story or whatever and they totally tune me out like no one is even talking. I always treat them with the greatest respect even though there are times that would really like to tell them how the cow eats the cabbage. Their dad recently decided that maybe it was about their concern of me getting their inheritance so I volunteered for him to give everything to them that was his and his wifes assets however I told him that what we did together would be ours to split equally amount my children as well as his. As time has gotten closer to our "maybe wedding day" now it seems that he feels he will need to do a prenup as well to futher protect his kids and let them see that it's not about his money. He just bought a new home and asked that I move in with him until we get married in April. I thought it was a good idea to make sure this could work. Now I'm having second thoughts. These kids control the house.  They make plans for dinner parties or cocktails with their friends and/or relatives and never say anything to anyone. Dad supplies all the food, the booze, you name it. I pulled in the driveway yesterday, they're all parked in our places, every light on the house and no one even bothered to pick up the three huge garbage cans that were in the front yard. Dad's only 61 with a hurt shoulder but he should be able to do that too or better yet they probably thought me (the maid) would do it. Believe it or not Dad says nothing, sees nothing wrong just picks up the garbage cans, buys more liquor and food. I keep thinking maybe when we get married it will get better but after reading your story, it looks like it could get worse. I guess we both have a lot to think about 

Hello everyone, 

I was married for 32 years.  

I have a sister who is 8 years older than me, I took in her into my home and life, after she found herself penniless and homeless after the death of her husband. I treated her like a queen she didn't have to work, clean or pay for anything. I have always been there for my sister and her family emotionally, loving, supporting, with money and feelings.  

I was in the hospital and when I got out I found out that my sister and husband were having an affair. YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT. 

After confronting both of them they denied it to everyone telling people it was my imagination. I finally proved that they were in fact having sex in my house, drugging me so I wouldn't wake up and catch them.  

SO THE MEANING OF FAMILY, I WISH I KNEW. 

I feel betrayed by the two most important people in my life. 

my family isn't much of a family any more...my mother,my younger brother, grandmother and grandfather is all i can truly call family. my aunt has cancer and is shutting herself down from us, i haven't seen her for three months now.  

the rest of my so called family has betrayed us on many aspects. and yet i do not feel unlucky, i have the most important people in my life right here.  

also i had the luck of meeting my boyfriend a little more than two months ago. this gave me another new family whom i can trust and keep close to my heart.  

but to me my true family is my brother (who is now 7), my mother and my boyfriend who asked me to marry me on christmas eve.  

for this i do consider myself very lucky. but i always have this void inside, a void that never will be filled. 

best wishes to all from belgium 

Antonietta