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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Number of Replies: 489
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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December 14, 2005, 6:41 pm CST

Moving away from family

Forgive me for posting such a lame message. I realize that my issues are very small compared to what some people have to deal with. I just don't know where to turn. I love my husband dearly. I also love my family dearly. My husband's company is "restructuring". He has to either take a promotion that will move him across the country, or lose his job. My problem is that I am very close to my family. My parents live 6 blocks away. My sister is 12 blocks away. My brother is 3 miles. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in the same town. I have lived here all of my life. I graduated from the same high school that my parents graduated from. I didn't even leave town to go to college. I found one in town that I could attend. I am used to close family ties. One of my best friends in high school was my grandfather. My best friend right now is my husband, but my closest friends besides him are my mother and my sister. How can I leave this life that I know and love? We have 2 young children that love spending time with their grandparents, aunt, and uncle. I want them to know the wonderful family relationships that I had when I was growing up. My family has always been 2 minutes away when we needed them. They have helped us through numerous situtions in our lives. I don't know how to move away from all that I know and love. Is there any good answer? We can't afford a lot of trips back home once we move. Should my husband look for other employment closer to home? He really loves this career that he is in. Should I get past my grounded roots and try to find happiness elsewhere? I don't know how to let go.
 
December 15, 2005, 8:56 am CST

Your problem is not small.

Quote From: holle2

Forgive me for posting such a lame message. I realize that my issues are very small compared to what some people have to deal with. I just don't know where to turn. I love my husband dearly. I also love my family dearly. My husband's company is "restructuring". He has to either take a promotion that will move him across the country, or lose his job. My problem is that I am very close to my family. My parents live 6 blocks away. My sister is 12 blocks away. My brother is 3 miles. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in the same town. I have lived here all of my life. I graduated from the same high school that my parents graduated from. I didn't even leave town to go to college. I found one in town that I could attend. I am used to close family ties. One of my best friends in high school was my grandfather. My best friend right now is my husband, but my closest friends besides him are my mother and my sister. How can I leave this life that I know and love? We have 2 young children that love spending time with their grandparents, aunt, and uncle. I want them to know the wonderful family relationships that I had when I was growing up. My family has always been 2 minutes away when we needed them. They have helped us through numerous situtions in our lives. I don't know how to move away from all that I know and love. Is there any good answer? We can't afford a lot of trips back home once we move. Should my husband look for other employment closer to home? He really loves this career that he is in. Should I get past my grounded roots and try to find happiness elsewhere? I don't know how to let go.
 Anytime a dilemma affects your life, it's a big deal. Excusing it as being not as important as someone else's is a form of denial.
Write out the pros and cons of this move. You say your husband loves his career, and he will get a promotion. On the surface that looks like a pro, but have you looked into the cost of living where you will be going? Will you actually live better, or will this be a promotion in title only? Also, has he actually researched what is available for jobs in the area if you decide to stay? Making a decision with all of the available information will clear away much of the doubts.
And finally, if you do move, why would you have to do all of the traveling back and forth? If everybody lives in the same place, you could be providing them with an opportunity to see something new on vacations. And you could be providing yourself with an opportunity to grow and become more self-confidant and self-reliant. These are invaluable traits to have. Try to see all sides of the situation.
 
December 15, 2005, 10:33 am CST

Relationship troubles

Quote From: lilliblu

When I was four years old, my parents  allowed me to be held hostage in the bathroom of a bowling alley and sexually assaulted while they were busy bowling 

  

They allowed my cousin(who they knew molested me when I was six)to move in with us three years after he had done so. 

  

They interfered so much in my relationship with my daughter that she now lives with them. 

  

  

Give me one good reason why I should have a relationship with them. 

I can't think of one good reason why you should have a relationship with them, can you? 

If the people who were supposed to love you, care for you, and protect you, didn't do any of those things, then why should they have the privledge of a relationship with you now? 

The only difference would be if they were to admit their wrongdoings and apologize... perhaps if they could say that they are different people now, things would be different. 

Its important that you don't hold a hateful grudge against them because you deserve to be a happy, healthy person. When you hold onto deep rage, it keeps you from moving forward into a fulfilling life. That doesn't mean to forigive and forget, it just means to learn how to move past the pain and onto a life of happiness without your parents. 

 
December 15, 2005, 10:37 am CST

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: holle2

Forgive me for posting such a lame message. I realize that my issues are very small compared to what some people have to deal with. I just don't know where to turn. I love my husband dearly. I also love my family dearly. My husband's company is "restructuring". He has to either take a promotion that will move him across the country, or lose his job. My problem is that I am very close to my family. My parents live 6 blocks away. My sister is 12 blocks away. My brother is 3 miles. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in the same town. I have lived here all of my life. I graduated from the same high school that my parents graduated from. I didn't even leave town to go to college. I found one in town that I could attend. I am used to close family ties. One of my best friends in high school was my grandfather. My best friend right now is my husband, but my closest friends besides him are my mother and my sister. How can I leave this life that I know and love? We have 2 young children that love spending time with their grandparents, aunt, and uncle. I want them to know the wonderful family relationships that I had when I was growing up. My family has always been 2 minutes away when we needed them. They have helped us through numerous situtions in our lives. I don't know how to move away from all that I know and love. Is there any good answer? We can't afford a lot of trips back home once we move. Should my husband look for other employment closer to home? He really loves this career that he is in. Should I get past my grounded roots and try to find happiness elsewhere? I don't know how to let go.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to be faced with this decision! This is huge. How does your husband feel? Are there other job/employment opportunities for him in your area? Yes it is important that he have a happy and fulfilling career, however, your family life should be the top priority. It will be very difficult to move away from a life that is all you have every known, and all your children have ever known- also you won't have friends or family nearby to help watch the kids, so even a night out to the movies with your husband will become impossible if you do move. Those are important things! If you move, you could end up feeling resentful of your husband for the move, and you might become lonely and depressed. I live in a community where I also grew up, and I can't imagine moving away, I would be very depressed! Your children need the loving support of family surrounding them, also. Bottom line is that if you move, it would be only for your husband's career; is it really worth it?
 
December 17, 2005, 9:55 pm CST

what is most important?

Quote From: lilliblu

Just have one question--what is most important to you? 

You asked what is most important.  Right now the most important thing for me would be for them to admit their lies and maybe ask me to forgive them.  They still will not admit any wrong doing or any feelings of remose for the way this makes me feel.
Still sad, still having nightmares,
--mouse
 
December 18, 2005, 7:47 pm CST

Dad's rights ignored!!!!

This is in regards to the injustices the courts have done to me. Iam a 35 year old father of two boys, a 9 year old from my first marriage who lives with me near Springfield, Missouri and a 19 month old son who was taken by my second wife to Cleveland , Ohio while she was 7 months pregnant with him.  

  We got married in October 2003 after a short courtship and we found out 2 weeks before our wedding she was pregnant when she went to the doctor for a bad cold. She had told me she COULDNT have kids and at 32 and had been married before and had no children I believed her.  

   In march 2004 just five months into our marriage I had to have surgery to repair my spine and I was bedridden when at 7 months pregnant when she led me to believe she was off to work when in fact she was off to 850 miles away in Ohio. I begged her to come back and she refused, said she wasn't happy and she was going to have our baby in Ohio.  

     So she did have our son MAy 26th 2004 in Ohio and I have only seen myson 4 times since. I waited and waited for a court date and Ohio insisted that the custody would be decided there because my son was born in Ohio. SO I had to get an Attorney in Ohio and wait a year for trial. I asked for visitation and temporary custody and got nothing even though we were still married. So after my son was a year old I drive 16 hours to Ohio for court back in May 2005 and the day of court my attorney was called in to talk to judge an he said Ohio didnt have jurisdiction!! I waited a year for justice and was sent home with nothing! I tried to get Missouri to take jurisdiction since we were married here and lived in Missouri, but before I could do that the judge in Ohio said they had jurisdiction again! So I had to wait til November 21st 2005. 

      Last month we went to court again in Ohio and only got half way through the trial when the day was over at 4 30 pm. The judge heard my wife admit to having sex with her sister when she was 18 and her twin brother trying to get on her too and the judge heard that NOW she and my son are living with her first husband who couldnt get her pregnant and he still grants her temporary custody and says my son cannot leave their county. He says the incest/molestation history in her family is irrelevent because it wasn't done to a baby boy. I asked the judge for a visit in Missouri cause my family is all here and my son has never been here since she was still pregnant at 7 months and he said no. He said he didn't want child removed from his jurisdiction until we can finish the trial at a later date.  

     So what temporary visitation do I get with him? Monday - Friday 8am to 5pm! That would be okay, but remeber judge I live and I work 850 miles southwest in MIssouri!!!!!!! Iam sick of my wife treating me like he is her possesion and not my son. My oldest son wants to be with his little brother and I want my boys to grow up together. Iam an upstanding dad and I have never ever done anything wrong to deserve whats happened to me. Its a case of one state (Ohio) not caring that Iam missing out on years of my son's life because their courts keep dragging this out. 

     Now they are saying they can't get this back into court until May 2006!!!!! My son will be 2!!!!!!! Its just not fair PERIOD!! Ive written Dr. Phil tons of times asking for help to no avail...... 

 
December 22, 2005, 6:40 pm CST

define family

Dear Robin, 

I love your name by the way ;-).  I would appreciate your parenting advice for me and my 21 yr. old daughter.  She has never been told that her "Dad", is not her "biological father", and I really feel that each day not doing so, could be fatal to her.  Not because she has the potential for any immediate medical problems, but because her "father" was/is an alcoholic.   I'm sure that you understand my concern for her, as she is now old enough to drink legally, and is doing her all american part of such.  Fortunately (and unfortunately), her "Dad" has also became an alcoholic since she went to college 2 years ago, so she sees first hand what the disease can do to even the strongest of people, in a very short period of time, and how badly it effects everyone around them. 
Now I'm torn in knowing that her knowing how her Dad has become, and how it could have effected my choice 21+ years ago to leave her father, will leave her feeling about both herself and me.  I don't want her to think that I would ever leave her if she ever became a victem of the disease, but I really want her to know how vulnerable she is to it, and how very sorry I am that I chose to carry a child with MY knowledge of how high risk my child would be for alcoholism.  I don't regret having her, but I now feel ver selfish and guilty because she now has to carry the burden of the potential of alcoholism.  Especially since my Dad/father was one too!!
Now I am going through my 2nd divorce since she was born (to her step dad as of age 9), and she is fresh out of 2 year college in LA and in deep student loan debt.  To make matter worse, her alcoholic dad is dying of emphasema and alcohol, but not in a very rapid manner.  It has definately effected his brain though already, and he is becoming senile and somewhat demented, but refuses medical care of any kind.  As a result, he is becoming very verbally and financially abusive towards her, and it is turning her "daddy world" upside down and apart. 
Then, just to top the cake, after having lived so somewhat independantly  for 2 years in LA on her student loans, she had such a hard time having to move back in with me afterwards, that she totally sabotaged our relationship, trashed me and my home, and gave me no choice but to send her packing to live with her girlfriends.    Robin, that killed me.  Ripped my heart out , far worse than my husband did when he had me come home from work on July 4th weekend, only to find him and all of his things gone.  Stuck me with the house, the animals, the bills, everything, including trying to explain what I had no clue of, to my daughter.  THAT is all still in process, but I am most concerned about how and when I should tell my kid about her "father", and the choices I made 21+ years ago when I chose to keep her, but not him.   

My Dad didn't know that he was adopted, and as a result, he died at age 43 when I was 9 years old.  The disease that killed him would have been easily controlled by his giving blood weekly, to remove the excess iron in his blood.  Because he had no reason to worry about it (not knowing that his parents weren't his biological ones), even his doctors were clueless until his autopsy was done. 
Robin, I don't want to wait for autopsy results for my child.  Her life is in seriously heavy emotional upheaval right now, and she is a financial nightmare waiting to wake up.  She doesn't so much as look at her bank statements, because " what the heck, the bank knows what goes in and out, and that's what they are paid to do.  Handle it.".  Scairy!!    And I can't even afford to help her out, because I am scrambling to stay afloat myself since my husband left, and dumped it all on me as well. 
I don't want to dump any more baggage on my kid, but I don't want her to fall victem of anything that she isn't even open to looking for (like my Dad was) either.
Please help me with any advice that you would be so kind as to offer.  I truly do respect you and your husband's judgements and opinions.
Thanks for reading all of this, and for listening.
 

 
December 23, 2005, 11:47 am CST

We have alot in common

Quote From: cowtipper7

Hi everyone. I am a step parent of 3 adult kids, I have been married to their dad for 10 years.  The whole ten years have been happy between he and I. Early on things seemed pretty "swell" between us all until they, then 17, 12 and 8, would come and just trash our place. I would plead, complain etc, but "that ain't workin'" so I finally stopped. My husband would not talk to them about it, nor would he take any action, they all simply went with their thing and I was left trying to figure out how I COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM.  Well, ten years later, they are distant and very univolved in my life, they are somewhat involved in their Dad's, but communciation is almost nill. I was the one that kept them all in the know most of the time...and now after I lost my own dad, they (the kids) were not anywhere around for me....nor have they ever been for anything that concerned me.  I have alot of ups and downs and never have they even tried to show any concern for me. I think I am seen as an intruder even after all the effort I have made to be their friend, they just simply don't want to be one back.  Gee...it only me ten years to figure that out.   Well, after my step daughter began to complain how hre dad and I haven't been there for anything she invites us to because we always have something planned, I unloaded on her. I said that not only had we been there when we could, she simply has a bad habit of planning things last minute or not when she said she would originally, but I let her know how  I felt about the way she and her brothers had not been there for me at any time.  My husband still refuses to deal with this or them and how they have treated me and now I am simply just sick of seeing them, hearing about them and thinking about them. ....and there are birthdays and holidays coming up.....what do I do? I know I what I can AFTER the holidays, but what about during them when I have to make nice and pretend all is well?   

I read your message and could feel your pain. I too am in a similar situation but only engaged to their dad and recently moved in with him.  His children are adults 29 and 35 single males. They were raised very protected, close knit family, private schools, designer clothes etc. Both graduated from college but never left home. Their mom passed away from cancer and there dad didn't date for four years until he met me. I personally thought they were the greatest for two years until their dad and I got engaged and then the horns came out. They made no bones about it that they didn't think I was suitable for their dad and they would never accept me. I was devastated because they never showed a sign of that . Since then they reverted to calling me by my first name instead of putting the Ms. in front of it like they use to. I would like to think it was because they felt close to me but I really believe it's to show disrespect.  I can be talking telling a story or whatever and they totally tune me out like no one is even talking. I always treat them with the greatest respect even though there are times that would really like to tell them how the cow eats the cabbage. Their dad recently decided that maybe it was about their concern of me getting their inheritance so I volunteered for him to give everything to them that was his and his wifes assets however I told him that what we did together would be ours to split equally amount my children as well as his. As time has gotten closer to our "maybe wedding day" now it seems that he feels he will need to do a prenup as well to futher protect his kids and let them see that it's not about his money. He just bought a new home and asked that I move in with him until we get married in April. I thought it was a good idea to make sure this could work. Now I'm having second thoughts. These kids control the house.  They make plans for dinner parties or cocktails with their friends and/or relatives and never say anything to anyone. Dad supplies all the food, the booze, you name it. I pulled in the driveway yesterday, they're all parked in our places, every light on the house and no one even bothered to pick up the three huge garbage cans that were in the front yard. Dad's only 61 with a hurt shoulder but he should be able to do that too or better yet they probably thought me (the maid) would do it. Believe it or not Dad says nothing, sees nothing wrong just picks up the garbage cans, buys more liquor and food. I keep thinking maybe when we get married it will get better but after reading your story, it looks like it could get worse. I guess we both have a lot to think about 

 
December 23, 2005, 5:02 pm CST

FAMILY???????

Hello everyone, 

I was married for 32 years.  

I have a sister who is 8 years older than me, I took in her into my home and life, after she found herself penniless and homeless after the death of her husband. I treated her like a queen she didn't have to work, clean or pay for anything. I have always been there for my sister and her family emotionally, loving, supporting, with money and feelings.  

I was in the hospital and when I got out I found out that my sister and husband were having an affair. YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT. 

After confronting both of them they denied it to everyone telling people it was my imagination. I finally proved that they were in fact having sex in my house, drugging me so I wouldn't wake up and catch them.  

SO THE MEANING OF FAMILY, I WISH I KNEW. 

I feel betrayed by the two most important people in my life. 

 
December 26, 2005, 3:24 pm CST

My family

my family isn't much of a family any more...my mother,my younger brother, grandmother and grandfather is all i can truly call family. my aunt has cancer and is shutting herself down from us, i haven't seen her for three months now.  

the rest of my so called family has betrayed us on many aspects. and yet i do not feel unlucky, i have the most important people in my life right here.  

also i had the luck of meeting my boyfriend a little more than two months ago. this gave me another new family whom i can trust and keep close to my heart.  

but to me my true family is my brother (who is now 7), my mother and my boyfriend who asked me to marry me on christmas eve.  

for this i do consider myself very lucky. but i always have this void inside, a void that never will be filled. 

  

best wishes to all from belgium 

  

Antonietta 

 
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