Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

I am 18 years old i have been living on my own sence i was 17 i have been living with my husban now. My grandparents desided to take me out of the family. just to let you in we where a close family when i lived at home with my parents. But it has seemed sence i got with my husban they have just taken me out of the family they do not like my husban. they do not like the idea i am having his child. they do not like the fact that i am moving to cali. cause he is going to be put there by the air force.  this is just driving me nuts am i wrong to be mad and want my family to be one and have them accept him in to the family and our child? they are the only two that are having probs over him. what do i do just blow them off or do i keep trying and keep getting called names?

You cant please everyone. All that should matter is how you two guys feel. If they cant accept your husband or even your child to come, then it would probably be best to move on and live your lives the way you two see fit. I would not play into the game at all. Keep your head held high, be nice to them but also be firm about what decisions you make in life. Set boundaries when it comes to "respect" reguarding your husband and child and you. Dont tolerate any crap they may dish out to make you feel uncomfortable or your husband. You guys are one now. They will have to accept it or accept the fact that you are going on your own without them involved. It is their choice on how they want to act, it is your choice on if you want to tolerate their actions. They cant make decisions for you, you are a grown woman. They can either "accept" all of you, or "forget" all of you.

Hi.   

Situation: My parents divorced when I was 10.  I am now almost 23.  I haven't seen my dad since I was about 13-14 until a year ago.  My mother has always told me about how he beat her up, cheated on her, put a gun to her head, etc....  I have confronted him and there are a few things that he says never happened.  I will never know the real truth.  I love both of my parents and want them to be in my life and my children's lives.   About 4 dys before christmas my mother found out that my dad's side of the family is a part of our lives.  She hasn't really talked to me much since and we are or were very close.  We talked every day several times a day on most days.  There are a lot of issues that she has with my dad.  Should she still try to put a guilt trip on me and want to know why I want them in my life after everything that has happened.  She doesn't seem to understand they are still family and it can't be erased.  My children, husband, and I aren't in any danger and my kids love their grandparents and greatgrandparents.  Am I wrong to still want my mother to be happy that I have a lot of family surrounding me?  I know I want her approval like most children(even adults). I don't think I will ever get it but I just don't want her to be disappointed.  Should I just tell her to shove it and deal with it (in a nice way) or should I just let it be for now? 

You cant allow your mother to put a guilt trip on you for seeing your dad. Your mom and your dad have problems with "each other", the problem is not with you, so dont let her make you feel guilty for seeing your dad. She will have to accept the fact that you and your dad have a relationship, just like you and her. I would still be nice to her but also let her know that just because she and your father had problems in the past with each other, doesnt mean that you have to carry that problem with you on deciding to see him or not. A parent should not criticize the other parent to a child for any reasons. Life goes on. Enjoy each parent for every day. At least you and your family will have lots of love from your moms side of the family and your dads side. If your mom still gets angry that you are seeing your dad too, then tell her in a nice way, this is your life now, and this is how it is going to be.

Over 2 yrs ago my dad died- we were always a close family...i have a younger brother and 3 older sisters. My mother is legally blind, she decided to move to florida where her friends are( she didnt move right away) it is a community where she can be independent as she does not drive. Ever since she decided to move there and sell her house my 2 sisters have berated her, verbally abused her - it is disgusting. She is a widow and they treat her like this??? I was not thrilled with my mother leaving, however, its what is best for her. She has an active social life and is happy. She likes the warm weather and is happy. My sisters dont speak to her OR the rest of the familY???? it is bizarre. I have made several attempts to connect with no response. How can they do this to their mother????????

Its not right that they treat your mother like this. Your mother is an adult who should be making decisions that are right for her, no matter what her kids might think, and thats exactly what she did. You said you've made several atempts to connect with someone... your mother, or your siblings? That part isn't clear. I hope that you are in contact with your mother, she still needs family contact and support, even if she is living far away. As for your siblings, they will realize in time what they are missing out on, hopefully, and they will come around.. it takes time.

In 2003 my husband and I sold our home and decided after much thought to move to N.C.  He went first, in order to find a job and get established.  Fast forward about 8 months to when I join him, he has no job, and has spent most of our savings.  I reacted by battening down the hatches, renting a home, getting the kids in school, and I start looking for a job myself.  It is a hard road, and I was prepared to tow this line together with my husband, but he had other plans.  After about 2 months together he leaves for Virginia to find work, promising to send money to help out.  Fast forward 10 months, he sent no money to help during that time, and  I learned of infidelities that he of course denied.  He tried to come back into my life, using the kids feelings to try to get me back, but I knew that we could not have a relationship beyond friendship.  Thru this my family has stepped up to the plate.  My sister helped me sign on for assistance, though I really didn't want to, though I really needed it.  My sister would take my 2 yr old son for the day while I was out job hunting, take me to countless interviews. My parents took in my 13 yr old daughter, who was in danger of hurting herself in reaction to the rejection she felt from her father.  My sister also turned me onto a counselor at her church who helped out alot.   My mom and my sister would listen to me cry out my pain and give me positive encouragement and direction. 

    Now I've started a great job that I enjoy going to work.  My boys, ( I have 5 including my 2 yr old) are intergrating well in school.  My daughter is doing well in the private school my mom found for her (she's on the basketball team, and doing well with her studies).  I'm about to follow thru on the divorce,  and while it is painful to let go of the past, I am looking forward to the future.  Thru these last 2 year I now know that with God and my family, I can face anything. 

Hi all, 

  

My son was born back in 1968 when I was just 18.  I was a lost mother didn't know what to do with a little baby and on top of that I was living overseas, alone for 24 hours at the time.  After about 2 months of being upset and confused with no help on how to take care of my baby boy I snapped. One night I almost smothered him when he wouldn't stop crying.  When I realized what I was doing I jumped into the car with him and headed for the hospital sure that I had injured him ( he was grey).  He was fine but I told my husband I just had to get back home and to not ask any questions just get me home.  I got home within 72 hours but I never felt the same about my baby from that day forward.  I felt like an abuser and I distanced myself from my son. 

Our second child a girl whom I bonded with and did a good job of raising.  My son went to live with his father at age 7 when we divorced and never came back.  I ignored him for years.  I was ashamed,  & thought he was better off without me. That hurt him my x cussed me out on occassion but i stood my ground..I am 56 and he is 37. He lives 1200 miles away.  We have never really bonded. He has never married.  Dad never remarried saying women were untrustworthy. I wish I could feel comfortable with my son.  He is a fine man, with two college degrees,  great job, funny as all get out, holds high degrees in martial arts, good with kids, sweet as he can be.  Since he has never married I think I am partly to blame.  I still feel odd around him.  I can't erase the past but I feel so odd about being with him while I know it is doing harm to feel odd.  I just spent 6 days with him along with his sister and her three kids.  I spent maybe 4 hours with him and the rest of the time I spent with my grandchildren..... easier for me.  He spent time with his sister, his neices and nephew and his dad but  work hard at getting close to me either and I don't blame him.  Does anyone have any ideas for how I can change our lack of relationship before I die.  I did say to him when we parted that I was sorry we didn't spend time together and perhaps he could come up in the spring and just the two of us could go camping.  I know he can take the time, I know he has the money but he gave me that "gee I din't know  I will have to think about that"  Which I know means no.  Before I drop dead I would like to not be an ache in his heart.  Any suggestions? 

It seems to me there is something missing in this picture.  If you guys were a loving close family what on earth happened?  I mean ,are your sisters recent idiots or were they idiots in sheeps clothing all along.  They didn't get mean and hateful all of the sudden.    This sounds bizarre because there is a long list of dots.......missing.  They must be mad about something other than "she had the audacity to move"    Is it she sold the family home and they wanted the house to remain in the family, or did they feel she ignored them?  People who act like angry idiots are acting out of a lack of control.  Have they always been control freaks, and for what reason in her case do they need such control.  Something is missing.

If you had to land somewhere NC is where its' at.  Sounds like you are doing great congrats.  I live here to and made it my home years ago after a divorce.  Welcome sister, if you are in the RTP area there are lots of women in your same shoes doing just fine..