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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Number of Replies: 489
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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January 3, 2006, 5:41 pm CST

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: lilliblu

  

  

I know that there will be plenty of people who disagree and I respect their right to do so.  My mother was a lot like yours.  I don't see the point of having a relationship with someone who is incapable of respecting me or showing me the love that she does not have for me.  I believe, heart and soul, that some people just don't have it in them to emotionally connect with their child or love them for that matter.  And to expect a child to keep going back, knowing that the result will be the same, is cruel.  Sometimes, you need to love yourself, which is difficult when the people who are supposed to show you how to love yourself don't.  I applaud you for being a bigger person than I am.   

I am trying to love her from a distance. It has been very hard doing that since she is my mother, but as time goes on, it does get a little easier. Right now I am just trying to concentrate on my own children. I always want them to feel loved and I have to keep them from people that may hurt them and make them feel that they are not loved. Thanks for your response. It is nice to talk with someone that has dealt with the same kind of issue. 

 
January 3, 2006, 7:44 pm CST

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: nanirobin

It seems to me there is something missing in this picture.  If you guys were a loving close family what on earth happened?  I mean ,are your sisters recent idiots or were they idiots in sheeps clothing all along.  They didn't get mean and hateful all of the sudden.    This sounds bizarre because there is a long list of dots.......missing.  They must be mad about something other than "she had the audacity to move"    Is it she sold the family home and they wanted the house to remain in the family, or did they feel she ignored them?  People who act like angry idiots are acting out of a lack of control.  Have they always been control freaks, and for what reason in her case do they need such control.  Something is missing.

well we werent without dysfunction, but from what it appears as long as their needs were always met things were ok. Along with the fact that one of my sisters totally idealized my father, and after he died acted as if she had no parents. That is not normal. My other siblings and i have discussed with my mother and it boils down to- they have issues, they are mad she is moving, they felt it was ok to verbally abuse her while she was here for six weeks. They have unresolved issues from their childhood that are rearing their heads now, when they are in their forties. It is time for them to grow up and be supportive of the parent that they do still have.  

 
January 5, 2006, 1:22 pm CST

Parent's not parenting

I have a problem with my parent's lack of parenting and my sister's lack of respect.  I am the oldest daughter of seven.  Growing up my parents had rules and consequences and followed through with them.  I am the person I am because of them and I am glad that they kept me in line.  I had the greatest respect for them and my mom used to be my best friend.  I am now 28 and married.  My older brother, myself and my 24 year old brother have moved out.  My problem is that my parents have dropped all of the rules for my 21 year old sister who definitely needs these rules.  I don't feel that she is setting a good example and isn't being a good role model for the younger 3 kids aged 11-16.  My parents aren't taking any action with her poor behaviour.  My mom has yelled at her but that's the extent of it.  She has made threats, but doesn't follow through.  My dad doesn't do anything.  Growing up my mom was in charge of the punishment.  It would have to be something serious for my dad to get involved.      For over five years now my sister seems to go by her own set of rules and does as she pleases.  She comes and goes when she wants, never says where she is going, stays over god knows where and sometimes for days on end.  She used to pick up guys on the Internet.   I couldn't even tell you how many since I lost count 3 years ago.  The bigger the loser the more she likes them.  My parents had several opportunities to cut her off from using the computer but didn't.   She now has a new loser boyfriend.  He's a total bum.  He has no where to live and doesn't get along with either of his parents.  Now I wouldn't have such an issue with this guy if he had come to my parents and asked them if it was alright if he just stayed over once in a while since he had no where to go.  If he was appreciative and didn't just think things were owed to him since he had a rough childhood.  If you've had a rough life you can do one of two things, you can continue in your parent's footsteps or you can take control of your life and make things better.  This guy obviously wants to continue in his father's alcoholic footsteps.   My issue is that this guy didn't like my parents and would call on his cell phone when he arrived to pick my sister up so he wouldn't have to come in.  He was rude and arrogant.  He said that he had to move out of his place (I'm sure he was evicted) and had a friend deliver all of his belongings to my parent's house without their knowledge.  My parent's were a bit ticked but said nothing.  Next he used to sneak in late at night when everyone was asleep and sneak out when everyone went to school and work.  He did this for weeks.  My parents complained about it to me but said nothing to my sister and this idiot.  My sister comes to my parents and said that she wants to move in with him.  What do my parents do?  They let this jerk come and stay on the weekends so that they can get to know each other better (my sister said that they don't get to spend much time together)!  What?!  My parent's don't like this guy and are rewarding his and her stupid and childish behaviour.  They are supposed to be adults!    My mom says that she doesn't want her to make a huge mistake by moving in with him.  He drinks a lot and is very rude with people.  I can understand her view but they bail her out of everything.  At the sight of any trouble they are right there.  She needs a sense of reality.  Let her move out and see what the world is like.  She needs a good dose of bill payments and having to do things for herself.  She's never going to learn if she doesn't experience it.   Anyways, he did start out by staying weekends and now it has escalated to almost daily.  When I confront my mom she says that she didn't agree to it but says nothing to him.  You would think my dad would say something about a strange guy sleeping on the same floor as 3 of his daughters and one son.  No, nothing.  He could be some pervert.  My sisters don't like him and my one sister locks her door at night.  Is that right, having to feel unsafe in your own home?!  They had company over during Christmas and told my sister that there was no room for him and he would have to stay elsewhere.  He showed up and slept in the same room as her for a couple of nights!  I was disgusted.  What happened to the rules that no boys were allowed in your room until you were married and no boys would ever be sleeping on the same floor under our roof!  Excuse: There was no where for him to sleep.  Have my parents heard of telling him that he can't stay or heard of a sleeping bag on the livingroom floor?!!    This guy has made himself quite at home.  He drinks my dad's liquor when he chooses and I even saw him stealing gas.  My mom's excuse, "He is borrowing some."  Get real, he doesn't have a pot to pee in, so I don't think that he will be bringing a can of gas back anytime soon.  The continual lame excuses and lack of parenting is ridiculous.   I was told by my mom to keep my comments to myself and not to make it uncomfortable for him or her.  So I don't talk to this guy  or my sister because I was always told that if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.  I feel uncomfortable being anywhere near him, he makes my skin crawl.   My mom and I used to talk daily.  I don't even want to go and visit because he is always there.  I feel bad for the 3 that have to deal with this, they have no escape.  My mom told me that I am being selfish.  I don't see how someone can be selfish when they are looking out for 3 of their younger siblings.  What kind of example is she setting for the last 3.  My younger brother is already getting in trouble.  He does what he wants to do.  My mom says she's had it with him.  What does she expect.  Six children have and had to follow rules, while one can do what she wishes!  It doesn't make sense.   Anyways, I could go on forever about my frustrations with my parent's lack of parenting so I'll stop at that.  Am I in the wrong?  Should I just act as if this doesn't bother me?  I've spent many nights scratching my head over this and my mom and I barely have a relationship anymore.
 
January 6, 2006, 5:11 am CST

Husband not participating

I need some advice for my daughter.   When she married, having a family was on the forefront.  

They have been married 5 years and she "thought" they were trying to get pregnant. No birth control etc.  For over a year he has lead he to believe that they are trying to get pregnant. 

  

Recently her husband told me that she only want to have sex when she fertile and he resents that.  

 

Over the past year that explains why when she is most fertile he is suddenly tired...etc.  

Is he punishing her for not having sex on demand for his pleasure?  

  

This brings tears to her eyes just to talk about and she can't seem to bring the subject up to him.  She can hardly speak of it to me, her mom. 

 

 

 

I feel he's being selfish and I'm not sure she wants to go through life without the fullfillment of having a family.  

 

 

 

 

I was wondering if there is any advice on how to approach this subject and let him know that Ishe doesn't  want to have to chose between a life with only him or a life with a family even if it means with someone else. 

  

 

 

She just turned 25 and he is 30. 

 

 

Since she can hardly talk about it and the subject has not even been talked more about since he spouted that out during an arugment. 

 

 

I'm not far from an intervention in the form of a family meeting to break the ice and get the subject and discussion going. 

 

 

 

I'm very close to my son in law, he listens to me and on may occassions during spats they have I take his side so to speak.  I go and talk with him as his mom and listen to what he has to say and complain about.  I'm not one "that my daughter is perfect and he's not going to treat my baby that way..." 

 

 

 

He is pretty self absorbed.  Not always but mostly thinks of himself and what brings him pleasure without thinking about how it affects his wife.  I think this is another one of those cases. 

 

 

His family is very sefl absorbed and fragmented.  He hates spending holidays with his family due to the lack of things "feeling like a family event"  he's always excited to come to our home for holidays.   

  

 

I really need some help here.  My daughter's heart is hurting and I'm hurting for her. 

 

Thank you guys. 

 

 

 
January 6, 2006, 5:37 pm CST

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: jenoc99

First of all, I want to tell you that there is always hope, that nothing is ever truly a "lost cause"... however, you have to know when enough is enough, because you don't deserve to keep being verbaly abused and/or mistreated by your mother or any other family members. This is not what family is supposed to be like; family should be caring and supportive. 

I know exactly what its like to have a mother who is jealous when good things happen! My own mother is like that, she doesn't want to hear anything good, she wants to hear negative stuff so that she can gossip about it. It sounds like your mother is similar, and when she doesn't have some gossip she makes it up, right?  

I'll tell you how I have recovered from my past abuse from my mother. The first thing I did was learn to stop allowing things that she did or said- or didn't say- to bother me. When I let the things she did or said bother me, I was giving her my personal power over my emotions, which in turn gives her more power and me less power. This is very difficult because this is a dynamic that you and your mother have had forever! I know it was very hard for me, but if I could do it, I know that anyone can.  Another thing was that I had to realize I was setting myself for dissapointment when I would tell her good news and I didn't get the reaction that I wanted... how come she never congratulated me before, but here I am giving her more good news, such as I was on the Dean's list at college, and she isn't happy for me? Hmm.. its because for some reason, I kept waiting for her to change, waiting for her to suddenly be happy for me... but its never going to happen. She was always jealous of me and that will never change. Instead, now, when we talk I ask her all about her. How is she? How is the weather? If she talks of some craft she's doing, I will ask her questions all about the craft even though I have no interest. This gives her plenty of time to talk about her favorite subject- herself- and it keeps her from getting anything out of me to b*tch about. I haven't heard one b*tchy thing about myself from other people in years. So, this is working for me! I know its hard, its very difficult to finally recognize and come to terms with the facts that our mothers are self centered, immature people... however, the sooner that you do come to terms with it, the better off you will be, because when you stop giving her the power to hurt you, it opens up new doors for  you and your own personal growth. 

I waited around for my mother to be proud of me. I waited around to hear that I was "good enough" or "smart enough" but thats not what she wanted from me- she didn't want me to be smart or good. She wanted me to fail so she could gossip about me. When I didn't fail, it fueled her jealousy. I urge you to take your personal power back from your mother and sister by following my advice- when you do talk to them, keep the conversation all about them. See how it works. I wish you the best!! 

Thanks for your advice. I am trying not to get to close to them. And our mother's are definitly a lot alike. You should be very proud of who you are and what you have accomplished in life. Thanks again for your support.
 
January 9, 2006, 7:59 am CST

Looking For A Guy's Point Of View

Men and women no doubt see things differently, but I'm curious to see if there are some things that are just universal. 

  

I know (most) men want their women to be classy professionals at work, creative cooks and housekeepers and seductive and alluring. AND, most would agree that they want their woman (except for perhaps during intimate moments to be classy, refined, sophisticated and sexy.  

  

Yet, I remain baffled by the fact that the principles men apply to their wives and perhaps daughter (as far as the neat, clean, classy part) is not the same expectations they have for others. 

  

Do men even notice what other women (unless they are attracted to them) and men are wearing. How they are dressed (neat or sloppy), how their homes and cars are kept and even how their parents present themselves. 

  

Why is it that a woman can see her mother or father doing, saying something or looking ridiculous and comment on it, even "encourage" them to change and men say nothing. Do you not see these things, or is it that you can't be bothered or don't feel it is your place. Also, if your mom or dad exhibited "embarassing" behaviour such as going to upscale restaurants in ripped  clothes, just because it was too much trouble to change, and the ripped garments were simply more comfortable, would you insist they change, go regardless, or simply refrain from being seen in public. 

  

I am simply curious because such issues (such as family members smoking even after sickness, such as heart attack, would offend most women enough to take an active stand, but guys just seem to accept it even if they disagree and just continue to enable bad behaviour. Please comment. 

 
January 10, 2006, 1:36 pm CST

Same Sex relationships

Will the family first book work in same sex relationships?
 
January 13, 2006, 7:46 am CST

Don't Know What To Make Of It

As a fellow individual in the "media" (jounalism/fasion-entertainment) field, I am empowered and continually encouraged by the calibur of show Dr. Phil provides, (and the type of person/people he and his family "portray" themselves to be) and the valuable advice he gives and positive influence he has on many. 

  

Raised in a similar family background and espousing many of the same "tradtions", values, ethics, principals and ideals, I was shocked and disappointed to "discover" in my reasearch admissions that he has failed to live up to and follow the very principles he preaches, especially when he has repeatedly professed that we each (in a relationship) need to think about pleasing our partner 100% percent of the time, that it's "better to be happy rather than right", and that children (and others around us) learn or mimic what they see and NOT necessarily what they hear. 

  

How could you, the good doctor, then turn around and proclaim that you've only seen your (loving) wife's family (sister to be exact) only once in 30 years. You "apparently" claimed that you simply did not prefer driving that distance just to be around kids, but that they are welcome in your home. Well, considering that you too have children (no doubt grown by this point, but I'm sure they too were young during your 30 year union), it may be safe to presume that your statement smells a little "selfish", and honestly you don't strike me as that type of person. 

  

Unless there is something  you find staunchly "offensive"  and "unaccapetable" about Robin's family (quite like the ethical issues I experience with my husband's family and which I consider blantantly disrespectful and insulting to me and my family), there just doesn't seem to be any good reason for you NOT to want to associate with them or make sacrifices (that just may please your wife), as youj often instruct others to do. 

  

While your advice IS primarily right on the money, I also firmly believe that such self proclimations put you at a "disadvantage" and may result in you losing favor with a segment of your viewers and the population. They will be unable to seperate you professional prowess and experience from the way you have admitted to living and handling your personal life. In fact, they may begin to lose faith, trust, and respect (not for you) but for who and what you claim (to be) and for the excellent advice you have to offer. 

  

Common sense no doubt dictates that we are all human, and fallible and we all have (and will continue) to make mistakes or decisions we are not 100% proud of (even may regret) in our lives, but upon becoming such a recognizable pulbic figure, certain sentiments or statements may  prove to be disappointing to many (such as myslef) and perhaps a complete turnoff to others (at least those who choose to unequivically believe what is reported and what they read).  

  

Just my 2 cents worth and wishing you all the best and continued success. You 'do' make many good points despite some "pitfalls" perhaps along the way. 

  

 
January 13, 2006, 11:16 am CST

I think...

Quote From: debhgn

I need some advice for my daughter.   When she married, having a family was on the forefront.  

They have been married 5 years and she "thought" they were trying to get pregnant. No birth control etc.  For over a year he has lead he to believe that they are trying to get pregnant. 

  

Recently her husband told me that she only want to have sex when she fertile and he resents that.  

 

Over the past year that explains why when she is most fertile he is suddenly tired...etc.  

Is he punishing her for not having sex on demand for his pleasure?  

  

This brings tears to her eyes just to talk about and she can't seem to bring the subject up to him.  She can hardly speak of it to me, her mom. 

 

 

 

I feel he's being selfish and I'm not sure she wants to go through life without the fullfillment of having a family.  

 

 

 

 

I was wondering if there is any advice on how to approach this subject and let him know that Ishe doesn't  want to have to chose between a life with only him or a life with a family even if it means with someone else. 

  

 

 

She just turned 25 and he is 30. 

 

 

Since she can hardly talk about it and the subject has not even been talked more about since he spouted that out during an arugment. 

 

 

I'm not far from an intervention in the form of a family meeting to break the ice and get the subject and discussion going. 

 

 

 

I'm very close to my son in law, he listens to me and on may occassions during spats they have I take his side so to speak.  I go and talk with him as his mom and listen to what he has to say and complain about.  I'm not one "that my daughter is perfect and he's not going to treat my baby that way..." 

 

 

 

He is pretty self absorbed.  Not always but mostly thinks of himself and what brings him pleasure without thinking about how it affects his wife.  I think this is another one of those cases. 

 

 

His family is very sefl absorbed and fragmented.  He hates spending holidays with his family due to the lack of things "feeling like a family event"  he's always excited to come to our home for holidays.   

  

 

I really need some help here.  My daughter's heart is hurting and I'm hurting for her. 

 

Thank you guys. 

 

 

 Your daughter and SIL need some tests. After 5 years, it looks like there might be more to this than just a lack of  "practicing." It's highly possible that your SIL is feeling guilty, and secretly afraid that there might be something wrong with him. If this is the case, is it any wonder that he feels defensive when the only times your daughter wants to get intimate is when she is "fertile"? Wouldn't he be feeling like if it comes out that there IS something wrong, and it's due to an abnormality on his part, that his marriage is in jeopardy?
On the other hand, what if he lied to your daughter about wanting children? What if he's had an vasectomy and didn't tell her? I knew a friend's brother that played this dirty trick on his fiance. They too tried and tried until she set up an appointment with a doctor. He finally came clean with her and it ended the marriage. I'm not saying your SIL is this type of person, I'm just saying that tests need to be done so you know what you're dealing with before too many miscommunications and bad feelings get the upper hand. If there's going to be tragedy, let it be for the real reasons, not something imagined.
 
January 13, 2006, 11:27 am CST

I was surprised to read this.

Quote From: citrisgal

As a fellow individual in the "media" (jounalism/fasion-entertainment) field, I am empowered and continually encouraged by the calibur of show Dr. Phil provides, (and the type of person/people he and his family "portray" themselves to be) and the valuable advice he gives and positive influence he has on many. 

  

Raised in a similar family background and espousing many of the same "tradtions", values, ethics, principals and ideals, I was shocked and disappointed to "discover" in my reasearch admissions that he has failed to live up to and follow the very principles he preaches, especially when he has repeatedly professed that we each (in a relationship) need to think about pleasing our partner 100% percent of the time, that it's "better to be happy rather than right", and that children (and others around us) learn or mimic what they see and NOT necessarily what they hear. 

  

How could you, the good doctor, then turn around and proclaim that you've only seen your (loving) wife's family (sister to be exact) only once in 30 years. You "apparently" claimed that you simply did not prefer driving that distance just to be around kids, but that they are welcome in your home. Well, considering that you too have children (no doubt grown by this point, but I'm sure they too were young during your 30 year union), it may be safe to presume that your statement smells a little "selfish", and honestly you don't strike me as that type of person. 

  

Unless there is something  you find staunchly "offensive"  and "unaccapetable" about Robin's family (quite like the ethical issues I experience with my husband's family and which I consider blantantly disrespectful and insulting to me and my family), there just doesn't seem to be any good reason for you NOT to want to associate with them or make sacrifices (that just may please your wife), as youj often instruct others to do. 

  

While your advice IS primarily right on the money, I also firmly believe that such self proclimations put you at a "disadvantage" and may result in you losing favor with a segment of your viewers and the population. They will be unable to seperate you professional prowess and experience from the way you have admitted to living and handling your personal life. In fact, they may begin to lose faith, trust, and respect (not for you) but for who and what you claim (to be) and for the excellent advice you have to offer. 

  

Common sense no doubt dictates that we are all human, and fallible and we all have (and will continue) to make mistakes or decisions we are not 100% proud of (even may regret) in our lives, but upon becoming such a recognizable pulbic figure, certain sentiments or statements may  prove to be disappointing to many (such as myslef) and perhaps a complete turnoff to others (at least those who choose to unequivically believe what is reported and what they read).  

  

Just my 2 cents worth and wishing you all the best and continued success. You 'do' make many good points despite some "pitfalls" perhaps along the way. 

  

 Maybe you know something I don't? I've read about Dr Phil's SIL, Cindi, and her courageous fight for life after a horrible and disfiguring accident. Before the accident she was a single mother raising 3 daughters. She worked 3 jobs to put them through college. She gave him permission to use her story in his book, ULTIMATE WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION.
Could it be that it wasn't convenient FOR HER to have them decend upon her for a visit? Maybe it was mutually agreed that anytime she was free, she was welcome at their place.
Just a thought.
 
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