Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

I know that there will be plenty of people who disagree and I respect their right to do so.  My mother was a lot like yours.  I don't see the point of having a relationship with someone who is incapable of respecting me or showing me the love that she does not have for me.  I believe, heart and soul, that some people just don't have it in them to emotionally connect with their child or love them for that matter.  And to expect a child to keep going back, knowing that the result will be the same, is cruel.  Sometimes, you need to love yourself, which is difficult when the people who are supposed to show you how to love yourself don't.  I applaud you for being a bigger person than I am.   

First of all, I want to tell you that there is always hope, that nothing is ever truly a "lost cause"... however, you have to know when enough is enough, because you don't deserve to keep being verbaly abused and/or mistreated by your mother or any other family members. This is not what family is supposed to be like; family should be caring and supportive. 

I know exactly what its like to have a mother who is jealous when good things happen! My own mother is like that, she doesn't want to hear anything good, she wants to hear negative stuff so that she can gossip about it. It sounds like your mother is similar, and when she doesn't have some gossip she makes it up, right?  

I'll tell you how I have recovered from my past abuse from my mother. The first thing I did was learn to stop allowing things that she did or said- or didn't say- to bother me. When I let the things she did or said bother me, I was giving her my personal power over my emotions, which in turn gives her more power and me less power. This is very difficult because this is a dynamic that you and your mother have had forever! I know it was very hard for me, but if I could do it, I know that anyone can.  Another thing was that I had to realize I was setting myself for dissapointment when I would tell her good news and I didn't get the reaction that I wanted... how come she never congratulated me before, but here I am giving her more good news, such as I was on the Dean's list at college, and she isn't happy for me? Hmm.. its because for some reason, I kept waiting for her to change, waiting for her to suddenly be happy for me... but its never going to happen. She was always jealous of me and that will never change. Instead, now, when we talk I ask her all about her. How is she? How is the weather? If she talks of some craft she's doing, I will ask her questions all about the craft even though I have no interest. This gives her plenty of time to talk about her favorite subject- herself- and it keeps her from getting anything out of me to b*tch about. I haven't heard one b*tchy thing about myself from other people in years. So, this is working for me! I know its hard, its very difficult to finally recognize and come to terms with the facts that our mothers are self centered, immature people... however, the sooner that you do come to terms with it, the better off you will be, because when you stop giving her the power to hurt you, it opens up new doors for  you and your own personal growth. 

I waited around for my mother to be proud of me. I waited around to hear that I was "good enough" or "smart enough" but thats not what she wanted from me- she didn't want me to be smart or good. She wanted me to fail so she could gossip about me. When I didn't fail, it fueled her jealousy. I urge you to take your personal power back from your mother and sister by following my advice- when you do talk to them, keep the conversation all about them. See how it works. I wish you the best!! 

I need some advice for my daughter.   When she married, having a family was on the forefront.  

They have been married 5 years and she "thought" they were trying to get pregnant. No birth control etc.  For over a year he has lead he to believe that they are trying to get pregnant. 

Recently her husband told me that she only want to have sex when she fertile and he resents that.  

Over the past year that explains why when she is most fertile he is suddenly tired...etc.  

Is he punishing her for not having sex on demand for his pleasure?  

This brings tears to her eyes just to talk about and she can't seem to bring the subject up to him.  She can hardly speak of it to me, her mom. 

I feel he's being selfish and I'm not sure she wants to go through life without the fullfillment of having a family.  

I was wondering if there is any advice on how to approach this subject and let him know that Ishe doesn't  want to have to chose between a life with only him or a life with a family even if it means with someone else. 

She just turned 25 and he is 30. 

Since she can hardly talk about it and the subject has not even been talked more about since he spouted that out during an arugment. 

I'm not far from an intervention in the form of a family meeting to break the ice and get the subject and discussion going. 

I'm very close to my son in law, he listens to me and on may occassions during spats they have I take his side so to speak.  I go and talk with him as his mom and listen to what he has to say and complain about.  I'm not one "that my daughter is perfect and he's not going to treat my baby that way..." 

He is pretty self absorbed.  Not always but mostly thinks of himself and what brings him pleasure without thinking about how it affects his wife.  I think this is another one of those cases. 

His family is very sefl absorbed and fragmented.  He hates spending holidays with his family due to the lack of things "feeling like a family event"  he's always excited to come to our home for holidays.   

I really need some help here.  My daughter's heart is hurting and I'm hurting for her. 

Thank you guys. 

As a fellow individual in the "media" (jounalism/fasion-entertainment) field, I am empowered and continually encouraged by the calibur of show Dr. Phil provides, (and the type of person/people he and his family "portray" themselves to be) and the valuable advice he gives and positive influence he has on many. 

Raised in a similar family background and espousing many of the same "tradtions", values, ethics, principals and ideals, I was shocked and disappointed to "discover" in my reasearch admissions that he has failed to live up to and follow the very principles he preaches, especially when he has repeatedly professed that we each (in a relationship) need to think about pleasing our partner 100% percent of the time, that it's "better to be happy rather than right", and that children (and others around us) learn or mimic what they see and NOT necessarily what they hear. 

How could you, the good doctor, then turn around and proclaim that you've only seen your (loving) wife's family (sister to be exact) only once in 30 years. You "apparently" claimed that you simply did not prefer driving that distance just to be around kids, but that they are welcome in your home. Well, considering that you too have children (no doubt grown by this point, but I'm sure they too were young during your 30 year union), it may be safe to presume that your statement smells a little "selfish", and honestly you don't strike me as that type of person. 

Unless there is something  you find staunchly "offensive"  and "unaccapetable" about Robin's family (quite like the ethical issues I experience with my husband's family and which I consider blantantly disrespectful and insulting to me and my family), there just doesn't seem to be any good reason for you NOT to want to associate with them or make sacrifices (that just may please your wife), as youj often instruct others to do. 

While your advice IS primarily right on the money, I also firmly believe that such self proclimations put you at a "disadvantage" and may result in you losing favor with a segment of your viewers and the population. They will be unable to seperate you professional prowess and experience from the way you have admitted to living and handling your personal life. In fact, they may begin to lose faith, trust, and respect (not for you) but for who and what you claim (to be) and for the excellent advice you have to offer. 

Common sense no doubt dictates that we are all human, and fallible and we all have (and will continue) to make mistakes or decisions we are not 100% proud of (even may regret) in our lives, but upon becoming such a recognizable pulbic figure, certain sentiments or statements may  prove to be disappointing to many (such as myslef) and perhaps a complete turnoff to others (at least those who choose to unequivically believe what is reported and what they read).  

Just my 2 cents worth and wishing you all the best and continued success. You 'do' make many good points despite some "pitfalls" perhaps along the way.