My father passed away about 2 ½ years ago. He was the rock of the family. Whenever any of us had troubles at work, job decisions to make, or problems with each other we talked it through with him. Now that he is no longer with us, it seems the interpersonal problems in this family have escalated, particularly between my two brothers. My father is not here to help smooth things over, and so I am the one who is constantly called upon for this task. I certainly do not mind listening and making suggestions, but I don’t seem to be doing a very good job lately.
I think at this point a little background information would help. My mom and dad had been married 55 years before he died. There are four of us siblings.
Louise is the oldest; she is married and has two daughters who are also married and each has one small child. Linda lives a quiet life with a house and a steady job. She lives a comfortable, but not extravagant life. She has battled depression at times. She has been divorced and remarried.
Spencer is next; he is married and has two children who are just entering adulthood. He lives a little more complicated life. He has a house in one state and a condo in another, as he has business in one state, but his wife prefers to live in another. He also lives a comfortable life, but comparatively more extravagant. He is also divorced and remarried.
Robert is third; he has never been married and has moved around quite a lot. He has battled depression for most of his life, and has had a difficult time because of many jobs and homes over the years. He now has a good steady job and rents a home in a small town.
I am the youngest, by far, as I am 17 years younger than Louise and 8 years younger than Robert. I am married and have a three-year-old. I also live near Louise and I stay at home with my son. We do not live in luxury either, but we have plenty of money for what we want and need.
Here is the main problem, Robert thinks Spencer doesn’t care, and Spencer thinks we all resent his success in life. Because Robert doesn’t call Spencer and ask about his house, his kids, his business, etc. Spencer assumes Robert is resentful or just doesn’t care. Because Spencer doesn’t call Robert, Robert assumes he doesn’t give a damn and never thinks of the rest of the family. Robert accuses Spencer of not calling my mother enough. This is true, Spencer could call more often, but Robert calls her every night, which I think is a bit too much. My mother tries to console Robert because he feels bad about Spencer’s attitude, but then my mom doesn’t have my dad there to talk this over with and that saddens and depresses her. Robert feels he only has my mom to talk to and my mom feels Robert is the only one she has to talk to. No one calls Spencer as often as he thinks they should, and Spencer doesn’t call anyone as often as they think he should. Funny, because I seem to be talking to everyone all the time about how little everyone talks to everyone else.
This is wearing me out. I want my family to feel they can call me and confide in me, but sometimes I wish they could all feel comfortable calling each other and not just me. I wish Louise could call Spencer and discuss problems at work, but I can’t say that because then she will never call me again. I wish Robert could call Spencer and just ask him what’s up, instead of calling mom wondering why Spencer doesn’t call him. I guess they call me because I am home and seemingly not busy and willing to listen. How do I get my family to rely on each other more, yet not seem like I am telling them not to rely on me?
I am sure there is no easy answer. Maybe some of the other visitors to your website will have some insight. Thanks for reading and listening.
Jan
