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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Number of Replies: 489
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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November 10, 2005, 5:47 am CST

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: maritimer

recently my ex husband of 9 years has been involved with a girl that he is quite serious with, whick in fact is great that he has finally found someone, the problem is that ever since he has been with this girl he has put  the kids on the back burner so to speak, whick again I can understand him going out a little more so it would be natural that he would want time with his new love. 

   The problem is my ex husband is 40 and his new girlfriend is 22 my olderst daughter who is 15 is having a hard time with this, she say that the new girlfriend gives her attitude??? I'm also sure that my daughter is also giving attitude... she blames the new girlfriend for her father not call of coming to pick them up, it has been 5 months and they only live 30 minutes apart, he has call 3 time in the past 5 months to try to convince my daughter that his new girlfriend is nice and really mature for her age. I have told my ex that he need to make time for his girls and not rush the relationship between his girlfriend and his kids..he just says that he told his olderst daughter that he loves her and that she is welcome to go to his house when ever she wants and that he would love to have her and also told her that he would not be calling anymore, that she could call him when she was ready,, this in my books is not right I feel that he should be trying to fix this he is supposed to be the adult, if he is going to wait for a 15 year old to call he is sadly mistaken, she now thinks that he really is a loser...is she right...I listen and encourage her to talk but she get's mad at me when I don't agree with her when she is putting down her father, I don't want to feed her anger in any way. what do I do??? 

now my youngest daughter is 11 and she is happy go luck like's the new girlfriend they were taking her this past summer almost every weekened everything was good, until he stopped taking her he has seen he 1 night in the past 8 weeks every weekened he say that he working on a job or he has wood that he has to bring in he alway's has something to do. But of course to a 11 year old all she hears is no you can't come out, she now cry's at night asking if her father still loves her she is very confused. I talked to him on the phone tonight and asked him why he is doing this he thinks that everything is ok, I have told him how it was affecting the kids and he say nothing except he is busy. 

I told him that all parents work but to not even call his kids, his reply is well they can call me why don't they call me...I really can't seem to get throug to him I don't no what to do, my youngest cry's on the phone with her father to please take her and he still says no next weekened lately it's always next weekened.... 

Now you have to understand that my ex would move heaven and earth for his girls before he got involved with a much younger girl..is this girl maby standing in the way ?? I would think that my ex would tell any girl to get lost if he felt that this was happening, my ex is everybody friend the kind of guy that would do anything for you, he in my eyes he is a wonderful father until lately... 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO PLEASE HELP 

THANKS TO ANYONE WHO  GIVES ANY SUGGESTIONS 

  Your ex doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem and I am sure that it is very frustrating for you. This situation probably upsets you more than it does your daughters. Not that it doesn't upset them, just that as their mother, it breaks your heart. You can only do so much. It is not your responsibility to maintain their relationship with their father. All you can do is focus on your relationship with them. I would suggest counseling for them and possibly yourself as well.  I understand your feeling of responsibility to the girls and the desire to intervene on their behalf, but maybe it is too soon for you and your ex to work together- apart. Your ex was the one you depended on to help raise the girls, the one you discussed the girls with- and rightly so. It is unfortunate that divorce of the marriage is accompanied with divorce of the children also. It is different for all of you and learning to function as a family after the changes are always difficult.  Maybe it will just take a little time for all of you to adjust and establish a new way of relating and problem solving.  

 
November 10, 2005, 12:12 pm CST

You are a compassionate being...

Quote From: lisa12

Hello everyone! I would like to read your opinions on a certain issue. Husbands son met a woman with two children from a previous relationship. I had many reservations about this relationship because his son is not mature or responsible. He lives his life as an adult with a 15 year old mentality. It has proved to be a bad combination. Jail, drugs, rehab, bad credit, etc. So I voiced my concern to my husband, fearing the worst for this woman's children. My husband has a very "live and let live" attitude, and basically felt that it wasn't our business to intervene. This relationship was problematic from the beginning and my husband and I were involved much to my distress. Late night phone calls, fights that resulted in arrests, accusations, and so forth. I had the opportunity to talk to this women privately, and with out revealing too much( respecting my husbands wishes to remain uninvolved) suggested that she " think about her children". This relationship was in a downward spiral and in the course of its destruction, the woman got pregnant. Initially, my step-son acknowledged the pregnancy, went to Dr. appointments and seemed to want the relationship to work. Until he met another woman with two children from a previous relationship. Suddenly, the ex- girlfriend was a lying, manipulative, bitch, who got pregnant on purpose, and it wasn't even his baby. She is trying to have him served with a court order to appear for a paternity action,  he has left ( running ) with the new girl-friend. SOOOOOOOOO............my opinion is this: the ex may be a woman of deplorable character, but I feel that they both had consensual sex knowing the consequences. They both knew the other well enough and knew the type of person they were dealing with ( the problems in their relationship being a factor). I think that it is unfortunate that they brought a baby into the world under the circumstances, and I think it is a sad situation. I think that the relationship between them, what happened between them, and what they did, is irrelevant at this point. What is done is done, and like it or not my step-son has a responsibility to this baby.  This baby has a right to  be acknowledged, loved and supported by this family. I guess the bigger issue here is my husband. He believes that this woman is horrible for getting pregnant and actually having the baby under the circumstances. He feels sorry for his son, and thinks that his son will never have the opportunity to straighten his life out. That this woman wants to make his son's life hell, and it isn't fair. He speaks unkindly about this woman, but not his son. He will not acknowledge the baby ( may not even be his grandchild) and says he wouldn't have anything to do with it if it were because of her ( the mom). I am having a difficult time respecting my husbands feelings on this. I try to understand and imagine if i would feel his way if it were my son. Some how I don't think my feeling would change. Wrong is wrong. This is not really affecting my relationship with my husband, or so I tell myself, but I worry that on some level it is. That maybe it just isn't obvious right now.
 The easy thing to do would be to say, "It's not my problem!" Because it really isn't. Even though your step-son acts like a 15 year old, society doesn't see it that way. If the ex-girlfriend wants to go after him for child support, and can prove that he is the father, that's her perogative. Of course, after the state bleeds him for running and the costs of catching him and prosecuting him, there may not be much for her. Especially if he's incarcerated. There's not much you can do for this girl unless she decides to allow her baby access to you as it's grandparents. Then you can be grandparents.

Your step-son needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions, and learn how to curb his impulses. Unfortunately, his father is not helping him in this. I agree that your husband has a dispicable attitude saying that it's all the girlfriend's fault. It takes two to make a baby, his son is as much at fault as she is. And the courts may have a say in his responsibilities. Any day care or other benefits that is provided by the state while he is on the run is due from him when he's caught. He is in a world of trouble and making it worse for himself.

I applaud you for cutting to the chase and seeing what apparently nobody else does. And that is that there is a new human coming into this world that will start life severely disadvantaged. Illegitamate, no father around, single mother. And it could get worse from here too, she may marry a monster in the future who abuses the child. All this because your step-son needs some help.

The only real difference you can make here is to find your step-son, and have some kind of influence on him to get some help. His life is one train wreck after another. Even if he never marries the girl, this child will be his forever, and he is the only one who can have a legal say in what happens to that child. He needs some professional help to get his life in order, for the sake of the child he brought into this world.
 
November 16, 2005, 4:50 pm CST

Mistake in trying to form a new family/with foster parents of 25 years ago..

I feel I have made a huge mistake over the past months. 

 

Earlier this summer I made contact with a couple that took care of me in their foster home... 26 years ago.. While I lived in that home.. they provided the basic needs to myself and those other girls residing at the residence at the time I was there.. Because of my lack of having any parental nurturing of any kind.. While living there.. I wished that I could receive some love and understanding from these people..They would provide insight and guidance if you did approach them.. But teenagers tend to not reach out to adults, especially those that are only providing you with your basic needs, food, shelter and clothing..Nothing what-so-ever beyond that.. It was them and their one child, living in the house.. and the girls remaining in their bedrooms or the provided rec-room.. 

 

Well after many years 26 years.. For some reason, I got a notion to find them again.. I did do just that.. and to my surprise..she was ecstatic about my contacting them.. and desiring me to be in her life and that she "always" looked at me as her daughter.. She just poured out the love and appreciation and praise towards me.. 

 

I then remained in contact, via e-mail, from that point daily, until this weekend with her..... her husband I have found is rather anti-social, and is hard to communicate with..I proceeded to share with her my feelings of living with them and wishing I could have had them for my parents...what I have lacked in my past, and how I would like to be there for them now and in the future This went on all summer and into the fall. She proceeded to share with me all of her health issues, her son's health issues, her husbands, her sister's/sister's husband and on and on..I felt that I could do them some good by having me in their life.. as they appeared to have nobody but a son who is extremely anti-social, who cannot work with anybody or for anybody, as he feels the world owes him everything and he knows everything about the world and where we are all wrong as we reside on this earth..  

 

My husband and I have visited with them earlier this fall for 2 days, while we camped in a city park with our motorhome, in their town.. With that visit, I became reaquainted with this couple and their now 28 year old son, They are in their upper 60's - 70'S. I learned alot with that visit. I found I was getting to know them through adult eyes and with that, and understanding from a total different perspective than that of a 15 year old. 

 

I and my husband were seeing some strange behaviors but tried to "shrug it off" and to accept these people for who they are.. I returned home and continued with my daily e-mails and once a week phone calls.  Oh yes.. I began calling her Mother, almost from the onset of our new relationship.. Yep.. I already know what you are thinking on that one...  

 

To put this all  "In Short Form".. I have just returned from a 2 day visit with these people. I went myself for the visit but I left a day early, because I could not stay one day longer.. I was not feeling good about being there, what I was experiencing both socially with these people and their behaviors towards others and themselves etc..etc... 

 

I have not responded to her 2 e-mails and her recent phone call. She is concerned as to what is wrong.. I need to end this relationship and simply do not know how to do this.. 

 

My thoughts are simply e-mailing to her... that I made a mistake getting so personally involved so fast.. apologize to them for that... and leave it at that..along with returning the many personal gifts that have been given to me..from them..They are going to be both crushed and angry and will most likely demand some answers to their questions of "Why?"... 

 

Do any of you have any advice to give me? I already know where I went wrong with getting myself so intimately involved, without really knowing these people..I am already berating myself for that, believe me.. I have alot of guilt about that.. 

 

I look forward to hearing from any of you.... Thank-you. 

 
November 22, 2005, 10:24 am CST

Forgive yourself, first of all.

Quote From: emgreens

I feel I have made a huge mistake over the past months. 

 

Earlier this summer I made contact with a couple that took care of me in their foster home... 26 years ago.. While I lived in that home.. they provided the basic needs to myself and those other girls residing at the residence at the time I was there.. Because of my lack of having any parental nurturing of any kind.. While living there.. I wished that I could receive some love and understanding from these people..They would provide insight and guidance if you did approach them.. But teenagers tend to not reach out to adults, especially those that are only providing you with your basic needs, food, shelter and clothing..Nothing what-so-ever beyond that.. It was them and their one child, living in the house.. and the girls remaining in their bedrooms or the provided rec-room.. 

 

Well after many years 26 years.. For some reason, I got a notion to find them again.. I did do just that.. and to my surprise..she was ecstatic about my contacting them.. and desiring me to be in her life and that she "always" looked at me as her daughter.. She just poured out the love and appreciation and praise towards me.. 

 

I then remained in contact, via e-mail, from that point daily, until this weekend with her..... her husband I have found is rather anti-social, and is hard to communicate with..I proceeded to share with her my feelings of living with them and wishing I could have had them for my parents...what I have lacked in my past, and how I would like to be there for them now and in the future This went on all summer and into the fall. She proceeded to share with me all of her health issues, her son's health issues, her husbands, her sister's/sister's husband and on and on..I felt that I could do them some good by having me in their life.. as they appeared to have nobody but a son who is extremely anti-social, who cannot work with anybody or for anybody, as he feels the world owes him everything and he knows everything about the world and where we are all wrong as we reside on this earth..  

 

My husband and I have visited with them earlier this fall for 2 days, while we camped in a city park with our motorhome, in their town.. With that visit, I became reaquainted with this couple and their now 28 year old son, They are in their upper 60's - 70'S. I learned alot with that visit. I found I was getting to know them through adult eyes and with that, and understanding from a total different perspective than that of a 15 year old. 

 

I and my husband were seeing some strange behaviors but tried to "shrug it off" and to accept these people for who they are.. I returned home and continued with my daily e-mails and once a week phone calls.  Oh yes.. I began calling her Mother, almost from the onset of our new relationship.. Yep.. I already know what you are thinking on that one...  

 

To put this all  "In Short Form".. I have just returned from a 2 day visit with these people. I went myself for the visit but I left a day early, because I could not stay one day longer.. I was not feeling good about being there, what I was experiencing both socially with these people and their behaviors towards others and themselves etc..etc... 

 

I have not responded to her 2 e-mails and her recent phone call. She is concerned as to what is wrong.. I need to end this relationship and simply do not know how to do this.. 

 

My thoughts are simply e-mailing to her... that I made a mistake getting so personally involved so fast.. apologize to them for that... and leave it at that..along with returning the many personal gifts that have been given to me..from them..They are going to be both crushed and angry and will most likely demand some answers to their questions of "Why?"... 

 

Do any of you have any advice to give me? I already know where I went wrong with getting myself so intimately involved, without really knowing these people..I am already berating myself for that, believe me.. I have alot of guilt about that.. 

 

I look forward to hearing from any of you.... Thank-you. 

 Stop the berating, stop feeling guilty. What you did was magnaminous and loving. Pat yourself on the back that you have come a long way from seriously humble beginnings.

 We all long for love, and want so desperately that nuclear family and all that is supposed to come with it. You have done nothing to be guilty or ashamed of, or to turn anger on yourself. So stop it right now. You just made an honest mistake. Look at the bright side, you're not blood relations with these people, so you don't have to continue to see them at family functions and what-not.

To begin with, I would start letting the intervals between communication lengthen, and I would stop calling her "mother." If she asks why, just tell her that  you started that prematurely, and it feels artificial, so you're going to stop it. If they ask point-blank questions, always be honest. If they get the feeling you are pulling away, and ask why tell them that it hasn't worked out the way you thought it would, there's just no "family feeling." It doesn't matter what you've said before or done, be honest from here on out. Send back the gifts if they get indignant.

Look at it as a life lesson in the pursuit of love and belonging. We all make mistakes where this is concerned.
 
November 24, 2005, 1:58 pm CST

been there done that

Quote From: wifeandmom

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?
I am going throught the same thing. My husband hates my 20 year old son. He says the same things to him that your husband says about your son. My son had to move back in after being on his own and my husband was unbearable. My husband has 2 children that live with us and I get along great with them. I expect the same treatment for my children. I have a younger son that is 14. My husband is nicer to him but I fear my younger son will eventually receive the same treatment. My husband acts like he's jealous! It doesn't make sense to me. He is very mean to my son. I eventually left my husband over this. It is very painful for me. I love this man but I love my children more. I will not let anyone be mean to my children. If your son is a decent man I would say you've done a great job raising him. Stick to your guns on this one. You only have one chance in life. Your children look up to their parents at all ages. I'm sure your son knows how your husband feels about him even if your husband doesn't say anything to him. My son knew. I have so much quilt for staying as long as I did, but I was trying to make it work. We went to counseling and the counselor agreed with me so my husband wouldn't go back. Your husband should love those that you love, or at least show them respect because he loves you. I know how much you hurt over this, it tore me apart. I feel as though I've made the right decision. My family didn't like this man because of the way he has treated my son. My kids and I have a great relationship and they know how much I love them. That's all I need in my life. Good luck to you. I hope you find the help you need.
 
December 6, 2005, 11:44 pm CST

Has Your Child controlling You Over Marriage?

Hello Everyone hoped this is going to be my adviced answer this is 2005 almost 2006. its 230 am. I am in under strain cannot sleep my body so restless as xmas is near seems to be getting same over over again every year. This time gotton to put my foot down. 

Does your older child ever treat you to leave hubby or wife for apparently reason more pressure controlling talk about the past 20 yrs when even you just want to patch things up with your hubby or wife? 

Well guess I am one of them. I am in stirring craving  thanks to my older daughter  she s pressure me to leave her dad as I dont deserve to be with him as abusive for 20 yrs which is not that much long. Some things are bit better than before some same old situtions maybe I m not strong enough to put my foot down how to say NO  whether like it or not. Even my girl were saying if i dont do a thing she wont speak to me again.. Well its aint easy. She hears other of member family side of stories which shouldnt have brought it up because its not worth to argued over big deal thing being born for no reason. She hates her dad. But her dad hasnt abuse her this is what I ve seen he does with me so far been stop for couple of years. No one s perfect. Sometimes I wannna leave sometimes I want to hurry up for him to walk out  he cannot do it because of phobia he has and money  he cannot afford to lived on. I m breadwinner yah money wiser. The more I spend the more he act like child if i say no! sometimes I get  fears of him threats me. This isnt going to be pleasant way for him to threat like this. My girl wants me to go women shelter  guess what they arent supportive even wanna help to reach my other family stand by together but they didnt do it at all. Thi is embrassment. One more thing she abusive me as well. Hurt me alot ways. Her and her dad are in same boat... do things at me. 

 Anyways I know dr.phil will help and I know he will give me any good adviced. I wished to be on tv talk about it. But have to wait till anyone  e mail and say this family need help. I want to see me to do things on my own rather not have anyone pressure me talk repeating. I hate to talk about it at nights its not good. Dam its close to 3 am. How am I supposed to go sleep?? My sleep is the best is in the morning peacefully.I do not need to discuss my children about me and hubby s problem why should we?? she s not our therphy. She make us so embrassed with others how we are treat?  

Now xmas is coming can you imaged that I have been spending xmas gifts all the family 4 of us  to split half spend to give us a gift well thats my money .. All three my son and my daughter and my husband should know how to handle money situtions when it comes to get a gift. I know someone told me buy something and get yourself treat that I deserve yes of course I agreed but I loved what people send me something surprised. Mother s Day nope nothing. My point view that my husband bad make sample about mother s day he went ahaead buy me a gift without our child  were young  and need to teach how to buy what  the day is and mean. I do all that for father s day. DO i deserve sometihng all those years  YES thats my goal. I want them to look and figure out. I gave them few advice still not do it. I dont know if I should do it this year give money to get gifts  my children are older enough to handle it should know better. 

I hoped all that above I need dr.phils advice or anyone send me on the show i m sure that my man will show up with me he will respect dr. phils advice. I want to be someone s friend out there. I am not up to do a thing around what I liked to do.  

 
December 7, 2005, 1:25 pm CST

Meaning of Family? ...hmmm..I don't think so

Hi everyone. I am a step parent of 3 adult kids, I have been married to their dad for 10 years.  The whole ten years have been happy between he and I. Early on things seemed pretty "swell" between us all until they, then 17, 12 and 8, would come and just trash our place. I would plead, complain etc, but "that ain't workin'" so I finally stopped. My husband would not talk to them about it, nor would he take any action, they all simply went with their thing and I was left trying to figure out how I COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM.  Well, ten years later, they are distant and very univolved in my life, they are somewhat involved in their Dad's, but communciation is almost nill. I was the one that kept them all in the know most of the time...and now after I lost my own dad, they (the kids) were not anywhere around for me....nor have they ever been for anything that concerned me.  I have alot of ups and downs and never have they even tried to show any concern for me. I think I am seen as an intruder even after all the effort I have made to be their friend, they just simply don't want to be one back.  Gee...it only me ten years to figure that out.   Well, after my step daughter began to complain how hre dad and I haven't been there for anything she invites us to because we always have something planned, I unloaded on her. I said that not only had we been there when we could, she simply has a bad habit of planning things last minute or not when she said she would originally, but I let her know how  I felt about the way she and her brothers had not been there for me at any time.  My husband still refuses to deal with this or them and how they have treated me and now I am simply just sick of seeing them, hearing about them and thinking about them. ....and there are birthdays and holidays coming up.....what do I do? I know I what I can AFTER the holidays, but what about during them when I have to make nice and pretend all is well?   

 
December 8, 2005, 3:35 pm CST

how is it the violent monster cuns his way to the control buttons

are you kidding me dr. phil???????????? 

reach out????? i did and like millions you are left as you said ISOLATED!!! 

i am now on an 80 acre farm ALONE....... because I reached out!! 

i sought lawyers, priests, doctors, specialists, psychiatrists... NADA!!!!!! 

you seem the only one with a brain!!!!!!! 

you are right about time and healing!!!! 

what my husband caused me to suffer is not healing 

i heard many scenarios of what I lived on your show!! 

- he never talked to me when i was pregnant
- he forced me to wait on him when i was pregnant and tired(i have a handicap porone to fatigue) .. he never even came with me to the doctor's office when Iaccidentally spilled a pot of boiling water on my 9th month big abdomen
- he suggested i abort 2 out of my 3 children
- he raced the car when i was getting out and i fell to the ground
- he locked me out of the house at 20 below zero F* 

that's just the beginning!!
- one of my 3 kids was born with my handicap
- he told her to use a scooter was making her look like a handicapped...... i got it for her so she could be careful due to bad posture stop the progression of a scoliosis 

- for my oldest, he threw a wrench at his head missing it by an inch... 

- for my other son, he got him to go live with him and when i met up with this son later, my ex had had him live in abasment and had not even bought him a pair of shoes....... 

i have sought help..... and decided i am best alone...... but i love life.. was a pilote teacher for a children's treatment center, became an ethnologist with a world class folklorist (a french canadian brother Grimm)... i did so many good things..... but i was made scapegoat... my pain was too grreat and i lost listening ears...... 

I AM GOING CRAZY DR. PHIL without my kids!!!! both my parents came from families of 13 kids...... i had 3 despite doctor's warnings..... and when they went to live with him he had me banned from even getting reports about them...... 

i guess my psyche s still grasping for a drop of that milk of human kindness.... 

i know you get so much mail.......... oh well......... i gave it another try thinking you might miraculously restore communication with my kids........ why else was i even created!!! 

i have twin boy grand-children.......... i am not allowed to see them... somehow my husband spread the word i was a schizoid or something.... lol i never heard voice etc. ...... montrous lie to take control!!
dr phil........ why do monsters get to be so powerful!!! 

  

I GET YOU TO HELP!!!!!, MY KIDS AND G-KIDS DESERVBE TO HAVE A LOVING FANTASTIC PERSON LIKE ME....... STEP ASIDE MONSTER!!!!!!! 

 
December 10, 2005, 12:33 pm CST

broken family of lies

My mother, sister and I were always close esp. after my parents divorce.  We lived together until I got married.  Two years ago my mother could not afford to stay in the house she and my sister lived in, so she sold it and moved.  Prior to this move my sister and I had been equals in my mothers will to receive her only asset, the house.  When she moved she put the new house in her and my sister's name.    For nearly two years they denied it was intentional and said it was a "mistake" that they'd fix.  I asked several times about it, and finally one day the truth came out.  They weren't going to change it.  I've done nothing to deserve this.  Because I've been given no reason for this action, I have a strong feeling of abandonment.  My mother has had several strokes and I truly believe she isn't capable of the decison she made.  She parrots things that my sister has said about me "already owning a house" (my husband and I have a mortgaged house).  I feel this is a jealous and vendictive thing my sister talked my mother into.  My sister was horrible to me during my engagement.  When the house sold my sister also put the remaining cash from the sale into her own savings "because our mother did not have a savings account". (???).  I can not get past this because my mother says one thing to me when she's alone and something different in front of my sister.  When she's with me alone she cries and tells me my sister will not let her change the deed on the house.  I can't get over this because I don't know who is lying.  I am now estranged from them because dealing with this has a strain on my marriage.  I can't sleep and have nightmares, and can not get past this.  Suggestions?  Help! 
 
December 10, 2005, 12:44 pm CST

I'm not Dr Phil, just a concerned reader

Quote From: deafmom45

Hello Everyone hoped this is going to be my adviced answer this is 2005 almost 2006. its 230 am. I am in under strain cannot sleep my body so restless as xmas is near seems to be getting same over over again every year. This time gotton to put my foot down. 

Does your older child ever treat you to leave hubby or wife for apparently reason more pressure controlling talk about the past 20 yrs when even you just want to patch things up with your hubby or wife? 

Well guess I am one of them. I am in stirring craving  thanks to my older daughter  she s pressure me to leave her dad as I dont deserve to be with him as abusive for 20 yrs which is not that much long. Some things are bit better than before some same old situtions maybe I m not strong enough to put my foot down how to say NO  whether like it or not. Even my girl were saying if i dont do a thing she wont speak to me again.. Well its aint easy. She hears other of member family side of stories which shouldnt have brought it up because its not worth to argued over big deal thing being born for no reason. She hates her dad. But her dad hasnt abuse her this is what I ve seen he does with me so far been stop for couple of years. No one s perfect. Sometimes I wannna leave sometimes I want to hurry up for him to walk out  he cannot do it because of phobia he has and money  he cannot afford to lived on. I m breadwinner yah money wiser. The more I spend the more he act like child if i say no! sometimes I get  fears of him threats me. This isnt going to be pleasant way for him to threat like this. My girl wants me to go women shelter  guess what they arent supportive even wanna help to reach my other family stand by together but they didnt do it at all. Thi is embrassment. One more thing she abusive me as well. Hurt me alot ways. Her and her dad are in same boat... do things at me. 

 Anyways I know dr.phil will help and I know he will give me any good adviced. I wished to be on tv talk about it. But have to wait till anyone  e mail and say this family need help. I want to see me to do things on my own rather not have anyone pressure me talk repeating. I hate to talk about it at nights its not good. Dam its close to 3 am. How am I supposed to go sleep?? My sleep is the best is in the morning peacefully.I do not need to discuss my children about me and hubby s problem why should we?? she s not our therphy. She make us so embrassed with others how we are treat?  

Now xmas is coming can you imaged that I have been spending xmas gifts all the family 4 of us  to split half spend to give us a gift well thats my money .. All three my son and my daughter and my husband should know how to handle money situtions when it comes to get a gift. I know someone told me buy something and get yourself treat that I deserve yes of course I agreed but I loved what people send me something surprised. Mother s Day nope nothing. My point view that my husband bad make sample about mother s day he went ahaead buy me a gift without our child  were young  and need to teach how to buy what  the day is and mean. I do all that for father s day. DO i deserve sometihng all those years  YES thats my goal. I want them to look and figure out. I gave them few advice still not do it. I dont know if I should do it this year give money to get gifts  my children are older enough to handle it should know better. 

I hoped all that above I need dr.phils advice or anyone send me on the show i m sure that my man will show up with me he will respect dr. phils advice. I want to be someone s friend out there. I am not up to do a thing around what I liked to do.  

 It sounds like your holiday season is not what you would like it to be. It's not good when families don't get along. You admit that your husband abuses you, but not your daughter. But if she witnesses it, it is a form of mental abuse, can you see that?  How old is she? How old are the other children? Does your husband also have a disability?
If you are the families only breadwinner, getting no sleep due to stress is not going to help your situation. You must think of yourself and your wellbeing. Give yourself the gift of kindness to yourself.
Have you tried the "Contact Dr Phil" board on the heading at the top of the page?
Write back and let me know.
 
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