Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Thank you so much for your response, just knowing someone is out there listening is a warming feeling.  You have all the same questions we have been trying to answer. She does not seem to answer any of them other than this boy is now going through growing pains and wants to know the real truth about his father. She has gone along saying that the man she is with now is his father until now.  We will proceed with paternity testing and hopefully that will answer more questions. I do get along with his brother but i believe there is some jealousy over our relationship and how well we are doing together, that is only thing i can imagine.  She is unknown father on the birth certificate and we would be prepared to accept him if the boy turns out to be his..... it just going to be a long tough road...  

Thank you for your thoughts :) 

...this to get in touch with people with the same background as me. Beacuse this small family that I got makes me feel very low and very insecure. I fell always like I am alone in the world and that I can't make it due to the fact that I didn't get all the tools that other people get when they have bigger families. I try so hard, but all I think is about me bing so "small-family" and everyone is having so much more support then me. Even my parents do not understand all the tings I want to do in life and they do not suppoft everything I do. I have moved from home and feel that I still have to prove myself as a better girl then I can be infront of my parents. They ony had one change and if I blew it all the time as they might see me failing at times. It is so hard. I want to become a sucess and I wan't to become something but all the negative feelings of this kind is holding me back. Why can a family tht felt so loving and so warm, all of a sudden become so cold and so tricky to understand? Is it only me growing to be an adult or what? Is it just me falling off a dream that used to be mine? I feel like the sad little monster arround people due to all this. I feel like I do not belong anywere. And it is worse at Christmas and have been for some time. since it is all about big families and such. I feel trapped into my skin. Become lazy and paralyzed by all the thoughts of never getting out of this inner trurmoil! I do have a boyfriend but under the sircomstances I am under right now as a young student I can't live under the same roof with him. I want to get rid of my goast before I move with him. Please hear my plea. Help me with some other things then just the regular "Think positive" words. Because I sure try, but turn sick all the time. Either depressed or getting a tiny ache anywere or something like that! 

Love alcedo 

Don't you wish things would just slow down alittle.  Maybe, we all could think better and make better decisions.  I am 55 and married to a wonderful man who is 82.  We married 38 years ago today! We have one daughter who is 35 and a precious granddaughter who is 6.  Yes, everyone told me it wouldn't work, but it did.  We've had our ups and downs like any normal family, but having an understanding of family matters helped us through it.  Like many only children we spoiled our daughter.  We loved her so much and for her dad who was 47 when she was born, he was especially thrilled about being a father again.  You see he has three married kids who are older than I am. Since, I was just 16 when we married, he actually was raising two kids.  I guess you can say he spoiled both of us.  We worked hard raising our daughter the way I wish I had been raised, with love of family.  She had our granddaughter during her second marriage.  That's when things began to go wrong.  We were able and willing to care for our granddaughter so that her mom and dad could work.  We felt priviledged to do so.  My daughter and son-n-law(now ex) asked me to provide them with child care and I did for five years. My granddaughter was my life.  I never complained one time about paying for her clothes, education, dance class, t-ball, soccer, and etc.  I loved being a grandmother and her papa was the total financier and he loved it.  I noticed through the years that my daughter was beginning to disrepect me and showed alot of resentment because she felt I was taking her job of raising her child from her.  My granddaughter became so attached to me that during her 2-4 years she would accidentally call me mommie.  I never took it seriously, because she was a child, I just corrected her and said to call me grandma.  My daughter who does everything by the book (not Dr.Phil's books) heard my granddaughter call me mommie and had a fit. She told me that she thought my granddaughter was getting to close and would move her to someone else's care.  She accused me of many untrue things, that hurt me bad.  I felt my whole world crumple.  My little granddaughter was so confused.  Today, my daughter is newly married to a nice man with three little girls of his own.  We want so badly to be the blended family with more granddaughters to love. She controls everything in the marriage and gives us the impression that she does not want us involved.  You see it seems, she only needs us during her bad times.  I only get to see my granddaughter at school lunch on Thursdays and she even controls that.  My granddaughter doesn't understand whats going on and I never will tell her until she's old enough to understand.  I just let her know that grandma and papa are always here when she needs us. 

Our other problem, is our ex-son-n-laws visitation with our granddaughter.  When he has our granddaughter she will ask him to bring her to visit us and he does.  Well, when my daughter finds out she is so mad and thinks I'm taking his side.  No matter how much I explain, I communicate with him to see my granddaughter only.  I'm afraid, that if something ever happens to my daughter, I would never see my granddaughter. I stay so torn up all the time!  I'm thinking about seeing a attorney to check our legal rights as grandparents, but I hate the thought of legal action against family.  I hate dragging my little granddaughter into another court case, her parents had an ugly divorce and custody battle.  I wonder, if I should just lay low, keep all my feelings to myself and let time go by.  I just don't know how our granddaughter would take us abandoning her.  Please, if anyone has any suggestions or comments. Please let me know.  My family is worth the effort. 

Thanks, to Dr. Phil and Robin for their help with all family matters, we greatly appreciate the job you are doing to make this world better.  I wish your lessons could be taught in schools, starting at Pre-K. God Bless all you wonderful grandparents!  

I feel better already, thanks Samnan 

Its great that your daughter is happily  re-married, but how sad that now you see the pattern in her life, that she only "needs" you when things are going wrong for her. It sounds as though you have tried to do your best, and that you have your grand-daughter's best interests in mind. You are right to be warey of legal action, because even though you have certain rights, you've got to think about how it will affect your grand daughter. She will always be the innocent victim.  

My advice is to put on your best game face while around your daughter, and enjoy the time that you do get to spend with your grand daughter. make the best of it. Have you tried inviting them all over for family dinner/lunch/brunch, something like that? Have you tried to arrange a gathering where you could all get together and have friendly conversation? Perhaps your daughter has never experienced something like that... she only knows how to express her wants and needs when she is in a crisis... she needs to learn how to communicate when there isn't a crisis, too. I recomend Dr. Phil's book family matters, perhaps there will be advice in there for your situation, too. I wish you the best. 

I think it's obvious to you that the more you've tried to get along with your daughter, the worse she's gotten.  If you want to change this situation, change your reactions and behavior.  Start showing her that you will no longer allow her to disrespect, bully or control you... not for the love of her or your granddaughter.  Once she thinks you are willing to live without your granddaughter, the child  becomes an ineffective pawn for her, and the behavior will stop.  It's going to take courage, willingness to do things you don't want to do, and the determination to follow through, because this situation has gotten out of control.  When you start changing, she won't like it ... she'll try to punish you, up the ante in an effort to bully/control you even more  and the situation will appear to be getting worse.  Don't react, stand your ground and adjust your behavior to what is appropriate at the time.  It may mean you don't see your granddaughter when you'd like to... but short term sacrifices will be worth the long term benefit of having your granddaughter in your life for the years to come.   You'll benefit by having support and encouragement to help get you through this... books on Tough Love will be helpful and there may be some Tough Love support groups in your area.  Dr. Phils book, Life Strategies is also provides a good foundation.   

My sister went through this with her daughter, finally couldn't tolerate it anymore because it took  such a toll on her.  She didn't see her grandchildren for awhile, even when she was offered the opportunity to "babysit" them, she declined.  She was shocked to see the changes in her daughter.  We had urged her to do this for a long time, but she worried about her grandchildren.  Now she says it was the best thing that ever happened to her, them and her daughter.   

I would not suggest going to court for visitation rights... your daughter would use it to justify her bad behavior and it would only make matters worse.   Take care.   

Hi there, I was just reading your question.  I'm no counselor, but my advice to her would be to sit down and just ask her husband, (of 5 years) flat out,  if he wants to have a family?  Because if she really wants a family and it sounds like she does, and come to find out he doesn't want one,  especially after 5 years, then deep down in her heart she will know what she has to do.  Let's just say hypothetically speaking, he doens't want a family.  She'll be crushed.  And if she loves him that much and stays with him knowing she'll never have a family,  she probably will always regret it and may resent him.  It would be a tough decision to make whether or not to stay with him,  but when one wants a family and the other doesn't, I think she'll be able to make a a wise choice.  She is only 25 and life is to short.  If she really wants a family, then by all means she should have one some day, and maybe it won't be with her husband.  I'm sorry to say that, and I mean no harm, but have her think about it and just ask him bluntly, "Do you want a family with me?"  Then she'll have her answer.  Godsend to you and your family.