Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Hello everyone, 

I was married for 32 years.  

I have a sister who is 8 years older than me, I took in her into my home and life, after she found herself penniless and homeless after the death of her husband. I treated her like a queen she didn't have to work, clean or pay for anything. I have always been there for my sister and her family emotionally, loving, supporting, with money and feelings.  

I was in the hospital and when I got out I found out that my sister and husband were having an affair. YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT. 

After confronting both of them they denied it to everyone telling people it was my imagination. I finally proved that they were in fact having sex in my house, drugging me so I wouldn't wake up and catch them.  

SO THE MEANING OF FAMILY, I WISH I KNEW. 

I feel betrayed by the two most important people in my life. 

Don't you wish things would just slow down alittle.  Maybe, we all could think better and make better decisions.  I am 55 and married to a wonderful man who is 82.  We married 38 years ago today! We have one daughter who is 35 and a precious granddaughter who is 6.  Yes, everyone told me it wouldn't work, but it did.  We've had our ups and downs like any normal family, but having an understanding of family matters helped us through it.  Like many only children we spoiled our daughter.  We loved her so much and for her dad who was 47 when she was born, he was especially thrilled about being a father again.  You see he has three married kids who are older than I am. Since, I was just 16 when we married, he actually was raising two kids.  I guess you can say he spoiled both of us.  We worked hard raising our daughter the way I wish I had been raised, with love of family.  She had our granddaughter during her second marriage.  That's when things began to go wrong.  We were able and willing to care for our granddaughter so that her mom and dad could work.  We felt priviledged to do so.  My daughter and son-n-law(now ex) asked me to provide them with child care and I did for five years. My granddaughter was my life.  I never complained one time about paying for her clothes, education, dance class, t-ball, soccer, and etc.  I loved being a grandmother and her papa was the total financier and he loved it.  I noticed through the years that my daughter was beginning to disrepect me and showed alot of resentment because she felt I was taking her job of raising her child from her.  My granddaughter became so attached to me that during her 2-4 years she would accidentally call me mommie.  I never took it seriously, because she was a child, I just corrected her and said to call me grandma.  My daughter who does everything by the book (not Dr.Phil's books) heard my granddaughter call me mommie and had a fit. She told me that she thought my granddaughter was getting to close and would move her to someone else's care.  She accused me of many untrue things, that hurt me bad.  I felt my whole world crumple.  My little granddaughter was so confused.  Today, my daughter is newly married to a nice man with three little girls of his own.  We want so badly to be the blended family with more granddaughters to love. She controls everything in the marriage and gives us the impression that she does not want us involved.  You see it seems, she only needs us during her bad times.  I only get to see my granddaughter at school lunch on Thursdays and she even controls that.  My granddaughter doesn't understand whats going on and I never will tell her until she's old enough to understand.  I just let her know that grandma and papa are always here when she needs us. 

Our other problem, is our ex-son-n-laws visitation with our granddaughter.  When he has our granddaughter she will ask him to bring her to visit us and he does.  Well, when my daughter finds out she is so mad and thinks I'm taking his side.  No matter how much I explain, I communicate with him to see my granddaughter only.  I'm afraid, that if something ever happens to my daughter, I would never see my granddaughter. I stay so torn up all the time!  I'm thinking about seeing a attorney to check our legal rights as grandparents, but I hate the thought of legal action against family.  I hate dragging my little granddaughter into another court case, her parents had an ugly divorce and custody battle.  I wonder, if I should just lay low, keep all my feelings to myself and let time go by.  I just don't know how our granddaughter would take us abandoning her.  Please, if anyone has any suggestions or comments. Please let me know.  My family is worth the effort. 

Thanks, to Dr. Phil and Robin for their help with all family matters, we greatly appreciate the job you are doing to make this world better.  I wish your lessons could be taught in schools, starting at Pre-K. God Bless all you wonderful grandparents!  

I feel better already, thanks Samnan 

I am wondering what, if anything, I should or could do about a situation . . . My husband of 21 years divorced me about 4 years ago (I was told that he didn't want to be married or be a "Dad" . . . he just wanted to do things he enjoyed without feeling guilty . . . ) 

My children were 16 and 19 at the time of the divorce . . . I found out after the fact that my husband had numerous affairs throughout our marriage . . . 

My ex-husband and I have come to terms with our divorce and issues . . . we are somewhat friends and have regular contact . . . My ex is living with a woman that he began dating about 6 months after our divorce . . . she has three children (all girls--ages 16, 10 & 8) each from a different father (she has been married three different times) and all of the girls live with her and my ex. 

He has now told me that he has found "religion" and intends to marry this woman . . . my children have told me that this woman seems to basically be okay but has problems (drinking, smoking, disciplining her children--the two oldest have snuck out of the house at night and the oldest is sexually active and into drugs) . . . I've also been told that she has been uncooperative in signing a strict prenuptial agreement (my ex and I had a very successful family business) and that has stalled the marriage from actually happening . . .  

All of these developments have been extremely difficult to understand (especially since he didn't want to be married and/or have to deal with teenagers) . . . My children are upset by all of this (my ex has moved his girlfriend and her children into a home that was previously our family home . . . he has spent a lot of money remodeling and has even put a fancy inground pool and hot tub in the backyard). 

I am really not bitter about all of this because I am very happy and independent living in another city where no one knows about all of this, but I am concerned about my children (they live in the same town as their father--where they have grown up and lived all of their lives) . . . I am also concerned about what my ex is doing to himself . . . 

Is there anything at all I can or should say or do? . . . Your varied perspectives would be most appreciated. 

Sorry to say "I" unfortunately know NOTHING of the SIL or of the situation. I adore Dr. Phil and his advice and espouse many of the same mores and philosophies. I was just confused as to why he would admit to not wanting to be "bothered" (as I was lead to understand it) to visit, when he is always preaching about bringing family together and not apart.  I don't doubt that he has valid reasons for his decisions, but that's not he was represented. He was made to seem as if it was too much trouble and he couldn't be bothered, and, since he is such a highly respected and admired professional I was concerned that they may damage (to some) his authenticity. 

Thank you for your input.