Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10.  We have 5 adult children between us but all are independantly living out of home now.  (there are also 2 Grandchildren and another on the way, all his grandchildren).  He has 3 daughters and they crave his love, acceptance and some attention. 

  

He never thinks to ring them just to say hello; he never pops in to visit.  If he does speak to them on the phone it's because I have dialled the number and if we get together as a family it's because I arrange it and cook all the food.  But I am their Step-Mother.  They have a Mother of their own.  We have discussed this before and they have expressed their needs with him.  It has been accepted by all that most of their problems come from having a Mother who was not there for them as most Mothers should be and this has hugely affected their self-esteem and future prospects due to her downgrading treatment of them, by her. 

  

But I feel that if he made more effort and time that he could help that situation a little. 

He says that he is there for them for advice and helps them with loans etc, but I can't get him to see the emotional needs and he doesn't seem to know how to show it (he is the same with me). 

  

I have been there for them over the years to try and make up for what their natural parents lacked, but it is not the same, they need it to be from a parent.  As they are older now they do appreciate my efforts, but they still are starved of proper parental love. 

  

He says "well that's just me"  or "they are all adults now - they should know how to change things so that they can be the people they want to be". or "they know I'm always there for them" 

  

How can I make him see that he could make such a difference in their lives if he just did a couple of small things?  They just need someone to say "Sorry you had to go through that and none of it was your fault "  (meaning the divorce).  I did say that to the eldest one the other day and gave her a hug and she really appreciated it.  But my husband is the type to not be told what to do, and when to do it and also finds it difficult to admit he could have done better, and difficult to express emotions. 

  

I just keep telling them to try not to take it personally and that it's just your Dad and he does love you and that I put up with the lack of emtion from him too, but I know he loves me and he is really a good person. 

  

The middle one is at a stand-off situation with him.  She won't come to visit him because he doesn't go and visit her.  And when I suggest he visit her he says "Why should I, she doesn't come and visit me"  It's all so silly and very sad.  It makes me think that I don't know who my husband is.  I am so much the opposite.  I visit and ring my adult children all the time and bake them biscuits for the cupboard and go with them to appointments if they need my support.  I just don't get it!! 

  

He has watched the Dr. Phil show on this subject at various times, but nothing changes. 

My family has been through the same thing here to My husband as growing up was handed off to anyone.. but when we had children of our own the woman to whom he lived with could not accept the fact that he loved me and not her she was I guess you could say obsessed with him.. She even had us move on some ground so we would be close to her we did have any water at the time we were getting our water lines in as my husband was putting them in.. So me and my two children would go to her house to bath. but before I could bath I would have to scrub her kitchen floor on my hands and knees and my children had to watch me.. with her.. so when I stoped going down when she ws home she told my husband that If I was not gone to bath when she was not there then I did not need to bath at all..so I started calling my father in law to come get us..My husband has cut her completely out of our life. When we had our first child the happpiest day of our life she came to the hospital that same day and looked at me and my husband and told us that our baby should have never been born..

I am a little confused at your response.  My problem is nothing to do with the ex-wife.  It is to do with the children not having a Father (my husband) who openly shows love and emotional support to them.  I wish men wouldn't find it so difficult to show love and support and visit their adult children more often.  My family values are thie "Your Children are your Children until the day they take their Last Breath!!"  But his values are "well they are adults now, we don't need to be so parental"  - Well I agree with him to a point - but he takes it the other way and won't visit them.  He expects them to come to visit him.  And they need him to take an interest. Thanks for your response, but I think our stories are completely different. 

  

  

I sympathize with how you are feeling.  However, a successful marriage is based on trust.  Weather you tell you him it's her you don't trust and not him, or not, you are still treating him as if you don't trust him, because he should be committed enough to you to walk away from any passes she may make.  And if that's going to happen then it's going to happen.  Better for you to learn of his infidelity now rather than later down the track. 

  

I would suggest to show him how much you love him before he goes and let him know that you would be more comfortable if he stayed in a Motel as that is not going to affect his loyalty to his Son.   

  

He is always going to have a connection with this woman for as long as he has children, so try not to beat yourself up about it.  Either become involved and go with him, or make sure he knows how much you trust him.  From that trust you will keep his love.  Badger him about your concerns and you could push him away from you.  

  

Everything happens for a reason and if he is going to fall back into her arms, there would be nothing you could do to stop it anyway, and it will only prove that he is not someone you would want to be with.  I would advise you to try not to put your husband in a situation where he is the meat between the sandwich and pull him every which way, purely because of your concerns, which may be all in your imagination. which is not fair to him.    

  

You only bring yourself down by being jealous.  Hold your head up high, look after your mind and body both inside and out and treat yourself to something that improves your self esteem and keeps you too busy to worry about this issue.   And his X-wife will soon hear about how confident you are in yourself and your relationship with him.  And put yourself in his shoes.  If you weren't doing anything unfaithful and he came to you with suspiscions about your faithfulnes toward him, would you like that?  Be the same wife to him that you want him to be, as a husband, to you.  And to be totally trusted is the ultimate in a relationship.   

Im 24 years old, and had 2 serious relationships, the first one 4,5 years long, since i was18. I didn't really have much time to spend on my own, which i really wanted so much, after i broke up. Because just 2 month after i broke up i met a guy i'm now with, and we're together for the past 2 years. This relationship is crazy, cause we've been breaking up from the beginning. We're good friends, and so much alike, we share many things, but to me it's very difficuilt to stay in this relationship. From the beginning i wanted more space, and i don't have problem with letting him go, even thou i do love him very much, but i'm so busy with work and study,and many other things, that not having a boyfriend won't really harm me, it will only give me more space. But he's the one who always hold on to me, and right now i feel like i'm hurting him, cause i always prefer to stay on my own, in stead of meeting him. He's talking about getting married and kids, but i don't even know if i want kids with him, or if i want to move in with him.   

The reason i have doubt is probably me, but there's also something that bothers me and makes me emotionally distant from him. He has 2 children from his previous relationship, they broke up before we met, and he still see his kids 2-3 times a week, he always babysit at least ones a week and their mom brings the kids every sunday. I like his kids very much, and i didn't have problems with his ex till recently. Recently (couple of months ago) i realized that she's too much in the picture, she always like to call him almost every day, and she comes to his place very often, just to say hi, she never stays long, but it's still bothering me. I found out that she's always 'there for him'  when we break up or having problems. I trust him that he's not having a relationship with her, he loves me very much, and he's just a great father, but it difficuilt for me to place his ex in my life. Especially after i wanted to get to know her better, and meet her to talk to her, she just told me that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. After that i started questioning her motives towards my boyfriend. Now i told him that i don't like her to come to his place unless she brings the kids, and he told her that, she doesn't come anymore, but i still don't feel happy. Is it me, am i making up problems that are not there? I know for sure i don't feel threatened by her, but when he start talking about living together, or having children, i'm just scared, how is that possible, i mean, how can i have kids with him when that woman is always in the picture, and she clearly doesn't like me? I'm just scared of getting more into him, that's why i choose to stay alone more and more, and it hurts him, cause he can't really do anything, and he miss me and stuff. I miss him too, but i'm just scared. What should i do? I feel so confused, can somebody please give me some advise? Thank you     

I feel like such a horrible person. I'm 29 years old, married for nine years to my amazing husband, and together we have 4 beautiful children. I got married to my husband when I was 20 years old, we were high school sweethearts. Recently, I've been occasionally thinking that I got married and started family way too early in my life. I feel like I didn't enjoy my time before kids, it seemed like as soon as we graduated high school we got engaged. We went to school and then in our second year we got married. By graduation, I was pregnant with our oldest child Brooke who is now 7. My husband was thrilled by the news. When I get these feelings I start to take my resentment out on him. I would never ever tell him about these feelings I get because I know that would just devistate him. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children more than anything in this world, but I get these feelings sometimes, but I know it's not normal. I hate myself for thinking this way. If I ever lost my family, I wouldn't be able to go on. Please give me any ideas on how to stop these feelings. I would appreciate it soooo much! 

Nicole 

I disagree with you- I think your feelings are normal! 

You did marry very young, you didn't get to enjoy much of your youth before having children- your feelings are valid. It sounds like what you need is some change, you need to do something fun and exciting for yourself. Do you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoy outside of the home? You need to find your passion in life! Every woman has a passion, but it takes us many years to discover it. I urge you to try something new/different in life, such as take a class or join a group/club that you are interested in. Even if you only have a minimal interest in something, such as drawing or painting, give it a try and see where it goes! Just having that time outside of the home to do something only for yourself is such a boost. Another suggestion is exercise, go out for a walk by yourself, start out small and before you know it you might be walking miles. Its wonderful to breath in the fresh air and just be by yourself with nature. (If you are that type of person, that is!) These are only a few suggestions, but the bottom line is to find your passion. Of course you love your family, but there is a whole world out there that is waiting for you to contribute your passion to. I know exactly how you feel, I have felt the very same way after my last child was born. These are such complex emotions, and it feels wrong to share them with the ones you love, I understand. Its important to listen to your instincts, though, and do something for yourself. 

I would love to be able to make time for myself like this, but it's just so hard when I have such young children, (7,5,3,&15months) My 3 year old has a very bad case of asthma. Typically when she has an attack she needs to be rushed to the hospital. I'm afraid to leave her with others that won't know what to do if she has an attack. Plus if I did go out, I'd would be worrying about her all night, so I wouldn't be having any fun anyways. I get an hour lunch break at work so I usually try and devote that to myself by reading a book or listening to some tunes.  

The one thing I definatly need to change right away is lashing out my husband. If I get into this certain mood anything he says I'll snap at him for it. The past couple of times that I've done this he tells me he needs to leave until I can loose my temper. I don't know what he does while he's out, but my biggest fear is that one of these times he isn't going to come back. 

  

Wouldn't life just be easier if we could add a few extra hours on to it?? 

I used to be like you. I have a child who is diabetic and I also have another one who is an asthmatic. I too, like you , didnt want to leave my children with anyone else due to my worrying about them and what could happen to them while I am out and I couldnt enjoy myself while out. BUT, if you dont take time for yourself, you will get resentful towards others. I did the same to my husband too, because I was not happy being who I have become due to thinking my life only revolved around my kids and their well being. Look at it this way, you cannot be with your kids 24/7. Put trust in God to take care of your kids while you have "peace" to yourself sometimes. If you dont, you will drive yourself crazy. (I know I have before). What I have learned from counseling, and it went both ways for me and my husband is that we both tend to lash out at each other, because we are comfortable with each other, but if we took time for ouselves to do something "alone" by ourself, it would eliminate the stress we feel.  Everyone needs  a time to "wind down" and  get back in touch with ourselves. I'm not saying go on a weekend trip by yourself, just take a few hours by yourself. By you being away from your children for just a few hours a day, or week, not only gives you time to unwind, but it also gives the children time to become independant without mom being there 24/7. On the days that the kids arent feeling well, stay home with them, but on a day when all is good with them, take a few hours to yourself and go shopping, or walking. When I realized this, and it was pointed out by the counselor, not only did my relationship with my husband improve, but the negative feelings I had, went away and I felt better also. I was able to enjoy my life, by being able to be "me, a mother and a wife". I definately agree with your last sentence you wrote: "Wouldnt life just be easier if we could add a few extra hours on to it"? For some reason, I dont have enough hours in the day, to get my housework done. lol!  

  

Your feelings are normal. You are not alone, because I have been there before too. YOu have a feeling inside of you that lets you know when you are fixing to lash out, so when you feel that feeling comming, instead of lashing out on it, go outside or in another room, and when the feeling is gone, then come back in to talk to him. (our counselor told us this as well). it works, and then we are able to talk, instead of argue.  

  

My son is 6 y/o and has diabeties. My daughter was 6 months old when she came down with asthma, and had to always go to the E.R. She is now 16 y/o and is now finally outgrowing it. God is always going to look out for his children. This is what I believe and this is what helps me to be able to go places by myself sometimes. AND if anything were to happen to one of my kids while I am out , someone can always reach me on the cell phone for emergencies. Hope this helps.  Good luck, and take some time for "you". As my counselor put it to me: "you need some time to yourself, and the kids need some time without you". 

Thanks for your help. I'm guessing that you did tell your husband that you feeling like this? I'm afraid that if I tell my husband, he'll get upset/angry. Should I tell him?