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March 26, 2006, 8:26 pm PST

Should the Bonds Be Broken?

I am a 39 year old mother of 7, 3 of which are my step children. I have 4 girls of my own ages 19,17,9, and 2. I was with my 3 oldest girls father for 15+ years, my Jr and Sr high sweetheart, until his abuse became to unbearable. At the time of me throwing him out, the babe who was only maybe 3-6 months old. He never really came around after that. All of my hopes and dreams had fell down around me. I had a difficult time with depression, it had gotten really bad to the point of neglecting my children. I felt that I had no one to turn to. Somehow I had found the strength to get back on my feet, got a good job and started putting my life back together again. I met a man (Bob) not long after I started working, he was great with me and the girls. He and my youngest , who was about 9 months, had formed an incredible bond. He was the only father figure that she had in her life since I threw their dad out. He was never around so that the maternal bond wasn't their for them. Bob and I lived together, bought a house, things went wrong and I left, after 5 years and met someone else. My husband and I have been together for 5-6 years on and off, back and forth, moving in and out I am so dizzy. Anyway, he totally refuses that my now 9 year old should be allowed to see the man that she has formed a bond with and that was involved in her life for the first 5 years of her life. She knows that Bob is not her 'father' but to hear her cry and the pain that it causes her I am and have had allowed that relationship to continue. My husband and I are separated because of it. I don't know what to do, do I choose my marriage over my daughters feelings? Will I hurt her physiologically if I not allow this relationship with Bob to continue? I am torn. There is so much more to this and the events surrounding these relationships.

What is the best decision and for who? I just don't know or am second guessing myself and what is right.

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jb7ctx

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March 27, 2006, 5:36 am PST

Keep the bond

Quote From: lisadwh

I am a 39 year old mother of 7, 3 of which are my step children. I have 4 girls of my own ages 19,17,9, and 2. I was with my 3 oldest girls father for 15+ years, my Jr and Sr high sweetheart, until his abuse became to unbearable. At the time of me throwing him out, the babe who was only maybe 3-6 months old. He never really came around after that. All of my hopes and dreams had fell down around me. I had a difficult time with depression, it had gotten really bad to the point of neglecting my children. I felt that I had no one to turn to. Somehow I had found the strength to get back on my feet, got a good job and started putting my life back together again. I met a man (Bob) not long after I started working, he was great with me and the girls. He and my youngest , who was about 9 months, had formed an incredible bond. He was the only father figure that she had in her life since I threw their dad out. He was never around so that the maternal bond wasn't their for them. Bob and I lived together, bought a house, things went wrong and I left, after 5 years and met someone else. My husband and I have been together for 5-6 years on and off, back and forth, moving in and out I am so dizzy. Anyway, he totally refuses that my now 9 year old should be allowed to see the man that she has formed a bond with and that was involved in her life for the first 5 years of her life. She knows that Bob is not her 'father' but to hear her cry and the pain that it causes her I am and have had allowed that relationship to continue. My husband and I are separated because of it. I don't know what to do, do I choose my marriage over my daughters feelings? Will I hurt her physiologically if I not allow this relationship with Bob to continue? I am torn. There is so much more to this and the events surrounding these relationships.

What is the best decision and for who? I just don't know or am second guessing myself and what is right.

There is nothing wrong with another person loving a child. Bob is the only man this child knows as "daddy". It sounds like your husband is jealous of Bob. IF you guys have split so many times back and forth because of this, make this last time you split, be the last time. There are VERY FEW men who will treat a child that is NOT his, like his own, especially when you two are no longer together. If your husband really cared about your daughter, then he would want her to be happy as well. Why dont you guys go to marriage counseling and then maybe the counselor can help you both deal with this better. HOw often does Bob visit with the child? It kinda sounds like your husband wants Bob out of "your" life. Let your husband be the one to deal with Bob when it comes time to let the child see him, so then he can get to know Bob and understand that he really cares about your daughter. Hope this helps. If you guys are constantly splitting up and seperating, what is that doing to your well being? what is it doing to the kids well being?You are in a tough situation, because you want to do what makes your child happy. Is Bob trying win you back? Has Bob ever disrespected your husband? IF not, then your husband is insecure.

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jenoc99

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March 27, 2006, 8:55 am PST

Daughter's "father"

Quote From: lisadwh

I am a 39 year old mother of 7, 3 of which are my step children. I have 4 girls of my own ages 19,17,9, and 2. I was with my 3 oldest girls father for 15+ years, my Jr and Sr high sweetheart, until his abuse became to unbearable. At the time of me throwing him out, the babe who was only maybe 3-6 months old. He never really came around after that. All of my hopes and dreams had fell down around me. I had a difficult time with depression, it had gotten really bad to the point of neglecting my children. I felt that I had no one to turn to. Somehow I had found the strength to get back on my feet, got a good job and started putting my life back together again. I met a man (Bob) not long after I started working, he was great with me and the girls. He and my youngest , who was about 9 months, had formed an incredible bond. He was the only father figure that she had in her life since I threw their dad out. He was never around so that the maternal bond wasn't their for them. Bob and I lived together, bought a house, things went wrong and I left, after 5 years and met someone else. My husband and I have been together for 5-6 years on and off, back and forth, moving in and out I am so dizzy. Anyway, he totally refuses that my now 9 year old should be allowed to see the man that she has formed a bond with and that was involved in her life for the first 5 years of her life. She knows that Bob is not her 'father' but to hear her cry and the pain that it causes her I am and have had allowed that relationship to continue. My husband and I are separated because of it. I don't know what to do, do I choose my marriage over my daughters feelings? Will I hurt her physiologically if I not allow this relationship with Bob to continue? I am torn. There is so much more to this and the events surrounding these relationships.

What is the best decision and for who? I just don't know or am second guessing myself and what is right.

You said that your marriage has had its ups and downs, so many ins and outs that you are dizzy- so I doubt that the real reason you are separated right now is all because of Bob, right? It just can't be all because of that.. there are many other factors I'm sure. Your husband could be using Bob as an excuse to be away from you, too- have you thought of that? I know that hurts and you probably wouldn't want to believe that, but it could be true, because he sounds like a selfish man. What kind of man wants to deprive a child of seeing the man who was her father for so long? I think you are doing the right thing, 100%- and you shouldn't doubt yourself. The best advice I ever recieved when I was in a situation similar to yours was to listen to my instincts. I spent so much time and energy trying to not listen to my instincts and my life was all wrong. Once I started to listen to that little voice, my gut instincts- things started working out for me. I have no doubt that they will work out for you, too. Yes, there will be difficult times! You already know what difficult times are like. Your daughter deserves that relationship with Bob. She is innocent and she shouldn't be punished or suffer because of someone else's demands. You are a good mother to put the interest of your child before your husband. Don't ever doubt that!!

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seb1974

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March 27, 2006, 2:06 pm PST

Broken Family

Hello,

When I was 18 years old my mother died of cancer. She had been battling with cancer since I was 3 months old. It was hard on my family to have cancer in our lives but I had a great childhood and wouldn't change it for the world. 3 months after my mother died my dad started dating this women. I had absolutely no problem with him dating. It was one of my mothers wishes that he can enjoy his life. Truthfully, no problem. She planned a day of shopping for us. During that time, It was aparentshe was selling me on how great she was and introducing me to friends that said the same thing. Didn't think much of it put became more shocked when she started pointing stuff she liked and then continued with "I love this fur coat, I cut a picture out and gave it to your dad so he can buy it for my for my birthday". This was 3 months after my mother died.!!! To make matters worse she had been married 3 or 4 times. (I know it was at least 3) A couple of week later my dad partners at work called my older brother to warn him that my dad was getting involved with a woman who was know to be a bad person and goldigger. Anywho, I picked up the phone at home one day to over hear her telling my dad that my older brother was a brat because he didn't want her to be at his birthday dinner because it was the first birthday since mom died and he wanted it to be family. Well, as week as my father is she was included. Furthermore, my father and I decided to move to the city, which he clearly wanted me downtown and was excited for us to move. I wasn't in the house for more than 10 minutes when she came flying in the door yelling "honey I'm home" I was upset and left. My father then put me up in an apartment in the suburbs. I didn't talk to him. My birthday came around and I received no call saying Happy Birthday. My father "on my birthday weekend" had eloped. I was absolutely crushed. I didn't speak to my dad for about 6months to a year. We only see each other on birthdays and once every 4 month or so if we go out to dinner. His now wife is not welcome around me and my life. They adoped a child 9 years ago. It's been 11 years. I have never met my adoped sister. Then as of my birthday this year no call. I was completely forgotten again. I wrote a letter to my dad on how I feel and told him myself, my husband, and my children are no longer at his disposal. I also have never taken any money he has offered me. I took my life into my own hands. I am very proud of what I have accomplished. I have a beautiful family and 2 wonderful girls. He lived 5 towns over and MAYBE visits my girls every 4 months for an unconfortable dinner. My girls don't even understand who he is. It break my heart. I have always been welcoming to have him and his adoped daughter in our lived. His wife however, will never be allowed in. It is eating me up inside. How do I cope????

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nanavicx4

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March 29, 2006, 7:54 am PST

American Dream Family?

Growing up in the USA my family had high hopes that our "Dreams" could be realized. After reading many viewer stories from this site and others (including Oprah's), I am convinced that too many of us are just surviving. We are known as the working poor. We take care of our families......all of them....parents, children, grandchildren, aunts.....anyone who needs us. Maybe we could have been successful at a career but we choose to put family first. We are in debt because we have medical bills, have missed work or quit to take care of the sick and those who cannot care for themselves. We fit into so many categories.....we are women who have let ourselves go, our love life is gone as is our health, we work hard everyday and vacations are only a dream. We pray and we give to others and do without. We do not eat right or sleep regular hours.

Our birthdays come and go and we expect nothing......We live not knowing how we will buy another vehicle when this one "dies". We once were lovely young ladies whose hearts were broken. Too many men have the luxury of walking away from their families and the responsibility comes down to $$......they think they pay a big price. However, we are what family is all about......the woman who holds it all together and asks for nothing other than the health and well being of those she loves.

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harobe

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March 31, 2006, 11:52 pm PST

Going back to your original post...

Quote From: mkat_rob

I have a general question and not a situation specific one. I hope I can still get some answers.

“There can be no divided loyalties. Your loyalty has to be to your wife.” I’m really uncomfortable with this idea. Now, I’m not saying that a man shouldn’t be loyal to his wife. He’ll be spending the rest of his life with her and they should be able to trust each other. But why does that mean he should dump his family? I mean, what sense is there in starting a family when the kids will grow up and no longer be loyal and mean anything to each other, and do to same to their parents?

Different relationships play different roles in our lives and are all important in different ways. I mean you can divorce your spouse, but you can’t do the same to a sibling or parent, but you don’t want to spend your life alone. You can’t really rank them and what they mean to us.

I can understand when a couple comes from a dysfunctional family, why they would want to keep their distance. It’s probably the only way they can break the cycle of dysfunction. But in normal situations, why are we pitting people against each other?

Did you notice the reference I suggested also says "love your parents and have a rich, active relationship with them, try not to criticize your spouse for the relationship he/she has with his/her parents, and if you plan on sticking with your spouse, you're stuck with the parents"? When that's over-looked, the message seems to be... loyalty to your spouse requires dumping your parents. Of course this is absurd and dysfunctional. Making parents and siblings a priority over a spouse and children is absurd and dysfunctional also. And we shouldn't be pitting people against each other. It seems you have the right idea... and if you're interested, Life Strategies is an excellent book. It provides the foundation for a healthy perspective and will clear up any misunderstandings.

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elisza

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April 5, 2006, 5:15 pm PDT

a rose grows in manure

Quote From: trinket

Your probably going to report me for this, but so be it.. it must be said. In one sentence you summed up the whole mess.

You start with "children locking parents out of the grand-children’s’ lives"

but then you BLAME GAME your divorce. Call your husband a rapist. nice.

You prattle on about all these medical issues-- (Focus on the self, not the problem with why your not an active grandmother) then you complain about your daughter adding---

She has a Cinema degree now and is in Law school… but she won’t talk to me blaming me for things I cannot acknowledge.

What does Dr Phil always say on his show ? "You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge". Then you add in..

"and a child on a grammna lap listening to a story and looking at his father and what he did as a kid turning the pages on the photo album!

So you don't see your son's kids either?

My mom-- when I try to talk to her about some of the things she did to me as a kid- The beatings, the neglect, the favortism between my sister and I, the destruction, her games- My mother will laugh self conciously and will say "Where did you get that ? What an imagination"...

and she does not see my children either. She's so desperate, she tried to go behind my back and use my child's father to bring him to her during his visitations. I called her a LOW RENT C**T for that one. She's very "Jerry Springer"...

She's running scared, and so long as she does not acknowledge what she did to me-- and what you did to your daughter--then your relationships will float along as they are, and that is YOUR Choice.

So long as you do not take SELF RESPONSIBILITY and Accountability for your actions- your choices, then we who were children when you had all the power-- take that power away from you by refusing to talk to you and allow you to harm our children by allowing you to see them. Your head games don't stop with us, and we know that.

There is a reason you don't see your grandchildren, and until you face up to what YOU did- without the blaming of your husband, using your medical issues, medications, whatever you want to blame-

Until you take accountability and acknowledge your bad choices, you leave us-- your kids no choice. We cannot allow you to harm our children as you harmed us, so we cannot let you see our kids, and You never will. I don't know who will be choosing your nursing home, but woe unto you, and my own mother as well.

i said i made bad choices:manure, but 3 children were begotten: can my children hear me when I say.... they are my garden of roses?

the fact is when he hurt me, i never called the police for fear of hurting the children, i never called him a rapist til now...... a spade is a spade and i got tired of protecting him

the police told me to go to victims compensation board to try to recover some monies..... because of the beatings (the children saw this as he dd not beat me in secret and he did throw a wrench at my son's head missing him by 3 inches...... i nearly paralysed on the spot). Because of me having 3 children under 5 and a frail health, i stayed home..... lost my teaching career, pension and all.

i never told my kids he had raped me, he did accusing me of taking him to court.

guys, there are crimes anmd there are victims.......... i would love to talk to ym kids and beg dr phil to help as i am not a psychologist but know one thing my mom said -bless her memory -smile and the world smiles with you!!!!

i want the rest of my life to be happy!!!!! i love my kids and will GLADLY acknowledge BUT i need a mastermind like dr phil to design the new garden!!!!!!! i need help as we all do........

i taught 13 years: kindergarten was so wonderful as was teaching the severely handicapped..... i did not mind cerebral palsy kids drooling on me!!!!!! i love children!!!!!!

before you judge me or project your own motherly relationship on me.. we need to talki more as communication is hearing ad listening the other... not blaming!!

i was not blaming my husband... i was accusing him of a crime against me...... raping a handicapped women seems ..... what can i say........ i am now in a wheelchair -i have broken bones too.....do i want to hurt my kids with these stories???? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to move on to a happier more accepting world.......

i had parents a bit like dr phil and robin....... my father was a family first guy and whatever my mom did was good and he passes the vacuum for her and gave her brakfast in bed

JOY......... let joy reign.......... help me dr phil; reconnect, ask forgiveness, acknowledge.... help me thjink clearly thru where i come from, where i have been, where i want to go.........

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elisza

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April 5, 2006, 5:21 pm PDT

anure can grow beautiful roses

Quote From: sugajazz

I really hope you all find a way to forgive each other...even you forgiving your husband...

The way he treated you was wrong...calling him a rapist is not healthy for your children...it doesn't make them feel loved or conceived out of love...words can be more damaging than the action alone...

You obviously have the net at home...there are many web sites on forgiveness, abuse, how to handle resolution and how to find peace...and a great is the Drama Triangle...interesting reading...

I wish you well...everyone has to heal their own pain and it's all about choice...Staying in Victim mode is very damaging...try writing a letter from the heart...I don't believe in BAD choices I believe in lessons and this world is only now starting to open up and talk about more effective ways of relating to each other...and the use of english language to describe things that happened too us...

I hope your children see that they are not perfect...but then anger can blind us all...

i said i made bad choices:manure, but 3 children were begotten: can my children hear me when I say.... they are my garden of roses?

the fact is when he hurt me, i never called the police for fear of hurting the children, i never called him a rapist til now...... a spade is a spade and i got tired of protecting him

the police told me to go to victims compensation board to try to recover some monies..... because of the beatings (the children saw this as he dd not beat me in secret and he did throw a wrench at my son's head missing him by 3 inches...... i nearly paralysed on the spot). Because of me having 3 children under 5 and a frail health, i stayed home..... lost my teaching career, pension and all.

i never told my kids he had raped me, he did, accusing me of taking him to court.

guys, there are crimes and there are victims.......... i would love to talk to ym kids and beg dr phil to help as i am not a psychologist but know one thing my mom said -bless her memory -smile and the world smiles with you!!!!

i want the rest of my life to be happy!!!!! i love my kids and will GLADLY acknowledge BUT i need a mastermind like dr phil to design the new garden!!!!!!! i need help as we all do........

i taught 13 years: kindergarten was so wonderful as was teaching the severely handicapped..... i did not mind cerebral palsy kids drooling on me!!!!!! i love children!!!!!!

before you judge me or project your own motherly relationship on me.. we need to talki more as communication is hearing ad listening the other... not blaming!!

i was not blaming my husband... i was accusing him of a crime against me...... raping a handicapped women seems ..... what can i say........ i am now in a wheelchair -i have broken bones too.....do i want to hurt my kids with these stories???? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to move on to a happier more accepting world.......

i had parents a bit like dr phil and robin....... my father was a family first guy and whatever my mom did was good and he passes the vacuum for her and gave her brakfast in bed

JOY......... let joy reign.......... help me dr phil; reconnect, ask forgiveness, acknowledge.... help me think clearly thru where i come from, where i have been, where i want to go.........

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marcialynn

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April 9, 2006, 7:53 pm PDT

I miss my brothe

Almost 10 months ago my brother and I got into a argument. I know I said things that I am sorry for and i wish I had never said. I have called him and his wife several times and tried to appologize and the still want talk to me. My mother has even tried to talk with them and they dont want to talk about it. They want even go see her anymore. Please someone help me understand what I am doing wrong I think I stress to much over this but I cant help it it is litterly killing me.

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irishiz41

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April 12, 2006, 12:23 pm PDT

Mothering complexes

We speak of getting adult children out of the home, but what if they literally might die? A friend's 35ish-year-old abusive son also has apparently intractable epilepsy. His Mom is pretty well trained to the victim role, but even if she got strong enough to throw him out again, what if he seized and died? How can he work enough to get independent? How can the underemployed get medications and counseling to get to the point of working enough? And what is a Mom to do? [especially in a town with grossly inadequate public transportation]

Blessings,
jb

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Message Boards

Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Should the Bonds Be Broken?

Keep the bond

Daughter's "father"

Broken Family

American Dream Family?

Going back to your original post...

a rose grows in manure

anure can grow beautiful roses

I miss my brothe

Mothering complexes