Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Wow. A lot of people talk about how their spouse comes first, but no ones ever explained it like this.  Good Job.

I have two things that is destroying my family. First of all, to give you a little background.  My daughter is very hard to talk to about anything.  Everything is superficial.  What if found two years ago is she will answer via email. So we would email each other back and forth to talk. Ok, well, we had a dispute about one of her friends around Xmas time.  Since then, no matter what I email to her, she won't respond.  I can send her a link with schools on it, and she writes back nothing. I can ask her extremely important family related questions and she will just ignore responding.  It really frustrates me and makes me very angry. I have explained to both her and her mom that this is very disrepectful to me and one of my basic needs is to have her acknowledge my communication with her.  But her mom will not back me on it.  Her position is that she can't make someone talk.  So when I said something like "If you aren't going to respect me enough to followup up on an email I sent you, then you are going to lose your cell phone".  I take it and her mom gives it back to her.  This has caused a HUGE problem because I have went six months of having someone never respond. And is is not just email.  If she is in the room and I ask her something she doesnt feel like answering, she will just on as if I didn't say it or walk out of the room.  And she and her mom blame me for being angry all the time.  My position is why can't her mom either help me enforce it or have my step-daughter give me the courtesty of acknowling what I have asked or said. Sometimes it is very important and she won't answer in person either.  

   

Secondly,  this friend I mentioned above of my step-daughter pulled one of me.  I told her friend that she had to obey house rules about calling after hours.  Apparently, that didn't sit well with her mother who went to the school and talked to the staff there and made up some stuff about me harassing them that was not even true.  In fact, the people at the school acknowledged it was crap. However the damage was done.  I live in a small city so that stuff sticks to you.  So, what my need was is for my wife and step-daughter to show character, take a stance with me against her mother for doing that.  To me, it sets a poor example to the kids and I would rather not have my daughter around people like that.   I need to know we were on the same page. Instead, my wife and daughter told me I was making a big deal out of it and I should just forget it.  So, for six months I have been telling them that is really bothers me that she is still hanging around with this person who is very bad when everything her and her mom have lied about to hurt our family.  But all that happen is my wife gets mad at me.  So my question here is am I being unreasonable expect my family to take a stand with me and tell them that they need to straighten this out before our daughter can hang out with their daughter?  And maybe an apology?    

   

I would love to know what any of you, and especially women, think about this.  It is breaking our family in half!  

   

Christian  

My situation probably isn't as extreme as some of the others on this board are, but I was hoping you could help me anyway.  

 

How do I establish a close, loving relationship with my emotionally distant father? 

  

My dad has always been emotionally distant from me. When I got married it got even worst, almost like I wasn't his daughter anymore. He never comes around to see my kids or asks me how I am doing. Everytime I try to reach out to him he pulls away, almost like he can't take it.

This is going to sound to extremely childish but I'm 35 yrs old and I still wish my dad would just hold me and say "I love you" to me.

Have any of you experienced this? How did it feel for you to have emotionally distant parents? Is there any way I can have a close relationship with him?  

Ok, here I go with my first ever post. But this has been causing enough problems that I felt compelled to seek help here. My husband and I make up a blended family.  We each have a boy from a previous marriage and we have one together. Ages 9,8, and 4. My step-son lives with his mother. We get him every weekend. We have recently within the last 3 months moved about 2.5 hours away from him due to my husband being transferred with his job. We still are getting my step-son every weekend without fail and my husband drives the 5 hours round trip on Friday evening when he gets off work around 6:00 p.m. and again on Sunday evening to take him home. Now this is where the problems arise. He has asked the ex to meet him she just flat out says NO! He asked to go to every other weekend she says NO!! She basically wants her weekends free of kids. Now God love my husband for being such a good father that if she doens't want him on the weekends he sure isn't going to leave him there.  A little background on her... she lives with her mom in a filthy doublewide trailer. She is dating a guy and is never home with her kids. The kids are always at the trailer with her mom. She blames his grades falling on us moving and says that he is really upset by this move. When actually nothing has changed since we moved. We still get him every weekend. I wonder has she thought that maybe his grades have fallen b/c she is never there to study with him.  My step-son is a big boy. He needs husky pants and has short legs so he needs husky pants and to get them hemmed up. She never does this so he and his older brother (another child from a broken relationship) can wear the same pants. Sunday when he went to put on his pants that he was going to wear home he had to lay down on the bed to try and get them buttoned b/c they are too little. With the amount  of child support we pay this child should never be out of fitting clothes to wear. I wish I had time and stamina in my fingers to tell all of the things that I have had to watch him endure in the 6 years I have been in his life. But being the "step-mom" its none of my business or so I am told. Anyway, all of this has come to a head the past few days with my husband. After the "ex" called me and we talked about going to the every other weekend schedule or her meeting us, she blamed our moving on his grades falling (his grades haven't been good for a while by the way) I kind of got a little upset. I immediately called my husband and gave him the scoop on what just happened. He being the laid back guy he is just says OK. I am appalled that he would be so casual about this. I tell him that this has gone on too long and something has to be done. She can not be allowed to go on anymore disregarding my step-sons needs. He has been on this earth for 8 years and I have been in his life for 6 of them. I have a lot of heart invested in this child and no one seems to take my feelings into consideration. Last night when my husband came home I brought up the subject again. Lets at least try and get him for the summer I said. He yells, "We don't have money for a lawyer." This goes on for a couple of hours.... back and forth with the arguing. I can not beleive he is mad at me for trying to better off his son's life. He and I are at totally different places where this is concerned. If it were my son there is no way that I would allow them to live in the conditions that his son is living in. But I guess that is just it. Its not MY son. Its HIS son. And its HIS desicion. It just really eats me up though. Why does my husband see me as the enemy here when I am trying to help? Is he so frusterated because he feels like he can't get him from his mother unless he proves that she uses grugs or beats him that he takes it out on me?  Do I need to just keep my mouth shut? I love my step-son and I hate to see him having to live like this but unless my husband steps up what can I do?

Recently I became an American Citizen with my father and his wifes help. Granted they have done lots for me, and I feel that I probably owe them more than I would like to admit. Being at the age of twenty-three I somewhat feel like a moucher, but really deep in my heart I know that I need this help.  I guess Ill tell you how it began... 

 

Living in Canada most of my life I would of told you that my family was normal. We made up a household of two daughters, one dog, and one cat and occasionaly the older daughters boyfriend. Abou the time that my sister turned 16 (I was 10) she got pregnant. I think it disapointed many people in my family, but the child that was brought into the world was adored. (Robert now at the age of 11 who still lives with my mother.)  

 

After my sisters pregnancy my parents marriage started to fall apart. (Not because of my sister.) My mother soon packed up all her belongings and moved, leaving me to live with my father. This was probably around the age of 13 for me. 4 years later at the ripe age of 17, and although I may never know why, my father packed up and left me. At 17 I had to get my own place and learn how to live on my own. Up until about two years ago I was doing okay. Right about the time that I met a man named Ali Mohamad. Being of a muslim descent our religious beliefs started to contrast largely, and the more that I stuck behind my faith the more it became dangerous for me to be there. My daily life, with him became one of torture, abuse, rape and lonlieness that I can't even begin to describe. Finally hitting rock bottom, laying on the floor bleeding and sobbing, I called my friend and had her pick me up. I took what my hands could carry with me, I was 21..and I had nothing all over again.  

 

Life after that became seperated in to two halves, the life before Ali, and the life after. I was hurt, I was lost and I was scared. He began to persue me in a stalking manner, coming to my work and leaving white roses for me. Calling me at all hours of the night and finally finishing with breaking into my apartment and raping me one last time. All I could do was turn to a friend "Harley" at the time. If it were not for him I don't know what I would of done. He saved my life in more ways than one, but I grew to love him. Unfortunately Harley suffered from a great addiction to crack cocaine. Let the record show I don't pick the right men to be in my life.  Slowly as I became tempted and lured into the glamour of the drug filled haze I came to a point. It was a point where in my heart I knew "He will love me just a little more if I do crack with him...." I have to tell you as a little girl growing up that wasn't what I said I inspired to be.   

 

At the end of my rope I called my father. Sobbing I was lost, perhaps I still am. I said I needed help, and to my surprise he came and got me. I don't know why, but I thought that I could count on him. I thought that if no one else I could trust my father. I was  wrong...again. Moving in with him and his wife to gain my American Citizenship was a bad idea. My life suddenly did not become my own, I was beholdent to another, trapped by their decisions. Suddenly they decided that I couldn't do anything without them. Even now I feel like an animal caged with no way out. It doesn't seem to be like I have someone in which I can discuss this with, someone that would understand this feeling of complete devistation and entrapment. I guess my mind started to fall apart, because as of May 17th 2006, an arguement arose. One that grew from the idea of me taking on a second job. No way no how was I going to do this in their eyes. Ironic but I hadn't asked for their oppinion or their help with this second job. I felt that I could do it, and I was growing restless, I needed another outlet in which to gain some freedom. Up until this point, I had done exactly what they had asked me to, I cleaned the house from top to bottom weekly, and picked up after everyone daily. I became what my father's wife described me as Cinderella. So when they opposed my new job, I stated rather bluntly it was my life. It was the first time I felt I had the right to say so. This threw my father into a rage that scares me to think of. He grabbed me violently pressing his fingers deep into  my arms and threw me against the couch never letting me go, picking me up and throwing me against the couch. I was scared, it was being with Ali all over again. Now I'm somewhere safe, and by safe I mean around the corner from him. I have pressed charges and although I am devestated I don't hate my father. I love him, probably more than anyone else. But now I'm an orphan...and the people that I had grown to love I am no longer aloud to assosciate with because I pressed charges. I was told that they would press charges anyways due to the marks on my arms. Everyone is making me out to be the bad guy and all I wanted was people I could count on. Someone to call family, and a new start on life. I don't think that I will ever have that...I don't know what to do and I feel so lost. Do I drop the charges and forgive him completely? Or do I hold him accountable for his actions and let be what is ...? 

I'm 23 years old. And though I don't have a doctors degree I do have experience with an emotionally and physically distant father. The truth is, that he might just not know how to take responsibility. My father sure didn't. Something Dr.Phil said that I have never forgot is that sometimes a relationship is 99.9% you working and 0.01% them. I guess you have to decide if the relationship is worth it to you. Also, you might have unrealistic expectations of your father, he might not have ever been taught to do the things you expect. I know it sounds harsh, but it's a reality. Most men just don't get it. What you need is to learn how to love yourself, and to be there for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

Drop the charges and grow up and read some books Self Matters from Dr.Phil. 

  

Your father loves you and didn't want to go thru the trauma again with you, I am sure he thinks and thought of you eveyday. 

  

Where is your mom in this.. 

  

Be good and think with your head not your heart.  Your heart is probably hurting but your head is telling you your Dad will always be your Dad. He came and got you right away no questions asked he didn't have to do that. You should even apologize to your Dad and his wife.  I know its frustrating cleaning the house like Cinderella but in a way it was like rehad for you.  Those are everday chores having them in or out of your life(Dad and stepmom) you always will have to do these chores unless you wanna live like a slob. 

  

You betrayed their trust Good luck!! 

Be good love ya 

Mina  

How did she betray their trust?  It actually sounds like the reverse.  She is old enough to make decisions on her own.  She was looking for additional income to become financially independent and live on her own.  That completely is a rational decision that has nothing to do with trust.  For her father to react in such a manner is despicable in the least.  I don't think she has the right to drop the charges when the police stated that they would charge anyways due to the marking he left on her.   She can opt to leave it to the police but it's doubtful that they'll drop it, especially with all of the domestic abuse that is happening.  It needs to stop.

Rather, she should take a cooling off period and when she's ready, go to her father to discuss what has happened.  She can reside in the women's crisis center to get on her feet as well as look for financial help and medical assistance while in transition.  I would advise her to get counseling for her self-esteem issues in how she sees herself and chooses men that are also self-destructive.  While she has love for her father, by apologizing would reinforce what he did was ok.  And it's not.  He should be the one apologizing to her, not only for abandoning her at 17, but becoming physically agressive just because she wanted to get another job.  If anything, he's betrayed her trust in him!

I've read on this site about adults who still live with their parents and don't pay rent or bills. Of course thats bad and unhealthy. But what if they are?  

  

Is it ok or healthy for an adult to live with his/her parents if they pay rent and bills and their own way? I personally think its great if an adult is close enough to his/her parent that they can live with them, but at the same time pay their own way. What do you guys think? Is it a good or healthy way to live? 

It depends on what your parents want, what you all can agree on, etc.  In many cultures, the kids do stay at the house until they get married, which may be late twenties or early thirties.  Their rationale is to save as much money possible (since sharing bills is cheaper than on your own) to use when starting their own family.  However in the US society, it doesn't appear to be something that is as socially acceptable.  Personally, if my kids wanted to remain at the house while paying their own bills as well as respecting the rules of the home, I would think that it would be a good thing for them to save money to ensure the highest possibility of financial stability when they decide to branch off and start their own family.