Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

I've read on this site about adults who still live with their parents and don't pay rent or bills. Of course thats bad and unhealthy. But what if they are?  

Is it ok or healthy for an adult to live with his/her parents if they pay rent and bills and their own way? I personally think its great if an adult is close enough to his/her parent that they can live with them, but at the same time pay their own way. What do you guys think? Is it a good or healthy way to live? 

Please bear with me, as this is very painful to express. 10 years ago, I was raped by my Aunt's husband the night before they were to be married and never said anything. They had a party, everyone was drinking, I passed out and thought I was in a safe place (My aunt's house). When I woke up, he was having his way with me. I grabbed my clothes and ran out. So here I am, all of 31 years of age, now married to a man who refuses to attend those family functions because the rapist would be at the family gathering. Thats understandable, right? But for 7 years, my hubby hasnt came to any family functions, and it has really started to screw with my marriage, starting with the family taking pot shots at my hubby for not coming around (little do they know why!) So on my Dad's b-day, my grandmother kept belittling and berating my marriage and my husband, so I blew up, and the truth came out. The truth would've never came out if my hubby hadn't put his foot down about how he feels about this. Since I put my family in check, they obviously side with the rapist, and now I've lost the family I thought I had. This guy isn't even blood. We were a tight knit Italian family, but where's the love? My mom and dad told me that I should've just kept my mouth shut. What the f--- is that? Someone, anyone, what the hell is going on here? Yes I know I should've spoken up back then, but I love my Aunt so much, I didn't want to speak up and ruin her wedding day!

Drop the charges and grow up and read some books Self Matters from Dr.Phil. 

Your father loves you and didn't want to go thru the trauma again with you, I am sure he thinks and thought of you eveyday. 

Where is your mom in this.. 

Be good and think with your head not your heart.  Your heart is probably hurting but your head is telling you your Dad will always be your Dad. He came and got you right away no questions asked he didn't have to do that. You should even apologize to your Dad and his wife.  I know its frustrating cleaning the house like Cinderella but in a way it was like rehad for you.  Those are everday chores having them in or out of your life(Dad and stepmom) you always will have to do these chores unless you wanna live like a slob. 

You betrayed their trust Good luck!! 

Be good love ya 

Mina  

While I love my husband very much too and we're each others priority , we're also individuals with additional  roles and responsibilities.  Without question, both of us support each other in all our relationships and would be there for our children or parent... that's part of making each other a priority.  When our daughter had open-heart surgery, we both were there... she wanted me to stay with her during her recovery phase & I did.  My husband wouldn't have had it any other way and her husband was also relieved to have me there.  When my husband was on a business trip & had a heart attack... our daughter flew home immediately to travel with me to be with him... her idea, not mine.  And when my mother was dying, my husband not only understood that I was going back home to take care of her during her last few weeks of life...  he made the trip with me (his plan was to get a flight back home, so I would have the car -  then fly back to be with me when she died). I could have gone alone and gotten a rental car while I was there, but he was making me a priority.  As it turned out, it wasn't necessary, since she took an unexpected turn for the worse & barely lived long enough for me to arrive.  And neither of us would ever refuse to have a parent live with us, if they didn't have a home of their own.  But isn't that what family is all about? To live our own lives, but also be mature and loving enough to be there for others in times of need?  So who comes first?  It's a compromise... sometimes you, sometimes your significant other.  

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10.  We have 5 adult children between us but all are independantly living out of home now.  (there are also 2 Grandchildren and another on the way, all his grandchildren).  He has 3 daughters and they crave his love, acceptance and some attention. 

He never thinks to ring them just to say hello; he never pops in to visit.  If he does speak to them on the phone it's because I have dialled the number and if we get together as a family it's because I arrange it and cook all the food.  But I am their Step-Mother.  They have a Mother of their own.  We have discussed this before and they have expressed their needs with him.  It has been accepted by all that most of their problems come from having a Mother who was not there for them as most Mothers should be and this has hugely affected their self-esteem and future prospects due to her downgrading treatment of them, by her. 

But I feel that if he made more effort and time that he could help that situation a little. 

He says that he is there for them for advice and helps them with loans etc, but I can't get him to see the emotional needs and he doesn't seem to know how to show it (he is the same with me). 

I have been there for them over the years to try and make up for what their natural parents lacked, but it is not the same, they need it to be from a parent.  As they are older now they do appreciate my efforts, but they still are starved of proper parental love. 

He says "well that's just me"  or "they are all adults now - they should know how to change things so that they can be the people they want to be". or "they know I'm always there for them" 

How can I make him see that he could make such a difference in their lives if he just did a couple of small things?  They just need someone to say "Sorry you had to go through that and none of it was your fault "  (meaning the divorce).  I did say that to the eldest one the other day and gave her a hug and she really appreciated it.  But my husband is the type to not be told what to do, and when to do it and also finds it difficult to admit he could have done better, and difficult to express emotions. 

I just keep telling them to try not to take it personally and that it's just your Dad and he does love you and that I put up with the lack of emtion from him too, but I know he loves me and he is really a good person. 

The middle one is at a stand-off situation with him.  She won't come to visit him because he doesn't go and visit her.  And when I suggest he visit her he says "Why should I, she doesn't come and visit me"  It's all so silly and very sad.  It makes me think that I don't know who my husband is.  I am so much the opposite.  I visit and ring my adult children all the time and bake them biscuits for the cupboard and go with them to appointments if they need my support.  I just don't get it!! 

He has watched the Dr. Phil show on this subject at various times, but nothing changes.