Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

this was posted a long time ago and I am not sure if you already received responses and got your answers, or if you are still looking here. I hope you are still looking.  I wanted to ask if you know why your niece is so compelled to get away from home?  Have you ever asked her that?  I have an (almost) 15 yo daughter who sometimes says she wants to live with relatives far away - because my husband and I are "too strict".  She isn't abused in any way, or neglected and in fact we do all we can to be supportive of her and whatever she is involved in.  But - just about every dang time she gets grounded for breaking our rules - she tries to guilt me and says she wants to live with Nana and Papa or Uncle Tommy or whoever.  I always say no, that she has to deal with her punishment, because that is the way the real world works - you choose the behavior you choose the consequence (to quote Dr. Phil).  I also always reinforce to her that Daddy and I love her, and no bad choice she makes can affect that love - it is unconditional.  I tell her daily she is an important and valuable part of our family and I cannot just let her go and move half a country away.    

Now - I asked if your niece had ever actually told you why she wants to come stay with you for her senior year, and possibly beyond.  Saying someone has NEVER been there for you emotionally - that is pretty vague I guess.  I am trying to understand what your niece means by that - and maybe you are also?  If her justification is that mom and dad are too strict etc, then maybe it is similar to what my daughter tries to do when she is being punished - she thinks someone else would be much more lenient on her - especially an aunt.  Or - and this is also possible - there is something much more serious (abuse, molestation, seeing arguing constantly between her parents)  going on - and if so I hope she will tell you.  If her reasons are the former I would advise not buying the ticket and maybe ask your sister if she can just come for a couple of weeks this summer, so she has time to decompress.  Whether or not your sister agrees, talk to your niece and let her know you are there to listen and she has your empathy - tell her that it wouldn't be right for you to let her escape to you when she is being dealt with fairly at home, and that there would also be rules in your household.  But - if the latter is true, and there is some serious problems in her home, then buy the ticket now and deal with the fallout later.  If you think your niece's safety - whether it be physical or emotional - is at stake, then step in make sure she is safe with you.  I know it would get really complicated - but I would do it in a heartbeat if I felt any of my nieces of nephews were in danger.   

I am never succinct, sorry.  I guess I could have simply said - talk to your niece and gauge whether she is being hurt and make your decision based on that.    Anyway - since my response is so long after your initial post, this has probably already resolved.  If so, I hope it is a good resolution.  Take care of you and yours, Roxy 

   is it ik for my boyfriend to let his mother tell him what to do at 44 years old and he allways puts her be for me like he dont do nothing for him self she makes his bed shes 76  please help         

Help! I married a military man 3 1/2 yrs ago. We knew going in that I would have to fight to keep my kids w/us if we relocated. My divorve decree stated the kids had to live in the same county as my ex. I understand the issues that support that. However, my new husband had orders to go to WA. He left. I stayed back 1 yr to battle it out in court to have the kids move w/me. I won, so I thought. The transition to a totally blended family was rough since his 2 boys and my 3 kids were totally brought up differently. By Jan, (only 5 mos)my oldest daughter moved back to her dad's. My 2 youngest stayed but I knew in my heart that my son (9yrs) was depressed and missed his dad. Now, it is summer and only my middle child has said that she would come back. They other 2 said if they had to choose then they would want to live w/dad. So, I have lined up a job here and there and am constantly battling inside myself about staying here to make it work w/my husband or moving back to Tx to raise my kids and remain the custodial parent. I am torn because I know that my husband loves me and I love him. But he resents my kids.  Before he tolerated them because he had to or at least that is how I felt.  Now, he is hurt that they chose to stay there and that I want to move to be with them.  But the thought of not having my kids in my life daily...makes me think of an empty life. His boys are here and if he has to go out of the country, then he expects me to stay here w/his boys instead of sending them to their mother.  He says that they don't want to go with their mother so he does not want to send them.  I know it is not right, but I fear that I will be resentful that I stayed to work on our marriage and live w/him everyday, not to take care of his boys while I let mine go.   

I only have a couple of more days before my decision has to be made and it has been a month and a 1/2 of agonizing torture debating back and forth.  Do I stay for the sake of the marriage or do I go and take care of my kids??/  Am I wrong in feeling this? How do I sacrifice one for the other? If anyone out there has any healthy advice, please send it my way! Thanks  

what a quandary you are in.  I feel for you hun.  My hubby is also military, but all 5 of our children are ours, so we have never faced the situation you are.  (btw - we are both also from tx and stationed in WA, at least until he retires next August)  I'm trying to figure out how best to advise you and I am not really sure what to say.  I know the health and well-being of my children mean more to me than anything, and I get from your post that is true for you also, and that has come into conflict with your marriage, unforrtunately.  But maybe it isn't really a conflict.  Have you asked yourself the following - will your ex take good care of your children?  Does he value them above all else?  Will they thrive under his care?  I think if you can say yes to all 3, then maybe you can let go of guilt and what society expects of you and let them be raised primarily by their dad and have visits with you when possible, and keep in daily contact via email etc.  If you don't have any reason to expect they would be adversely affected by living with him while you take care of your marriage here in WA, then maybe it is an option you should seriously consider.  Now - I don't say that lightly Cam.  My 5 children mean the world to me and I very much understand your heartbreak at the thought of not being part of their daily lives, I would absolutely feel the same.  I want to be the one to wake mine in the morning and make their breakfast and check their homework and kiss them goodnight - all the good stuff that us parents get to do.  So - I do understand your reticence at letting go.  I say all this with one proviso - I would only make the sacrifice you are considering if you are as sure as it is possible to be that your new marriage is solid and worth what you are considering giving up, the daily contact with your children.  I got some hints in your post that maybe this marriage isn't quite what you hoped for and more is being expected of you than you consider really fair as far as taking care of his children when he is deployed.  I guess Cam, that only you can weigh the value of this marriage against the value of being close to your children and decide what is right for them and yourself.   

I have no idea if I have given 'healthy' advice, but please do know you have my empathy and support.  I, personally, could not be separated from my kids, no matter what, but then your situation and circumstances are way different from mine.  So I will make no judgment on you regardless of the choice you make.  Take care Cam, Roxy 

hi all.   

firstly just let me say that i am anewbie and am learning my way around the boards, so pls accept appolagies if this post is in the wrong area. 

i have recently finished reading this book, for the third time, lol.  i find that when i re-read it i pick up on little things i may have missed b4.  the book has really helped, open my mind to things i hadn't done b4 and also to confirm the things i was doing right. 

i have always had very strong (old school) values for family bonds and the book has helped me to express my parenting styles with clarity and hope for the future. 

just wanted to let you know, and for anyone else who hasn't read this 1 yet, give it a read. 

thnx. 

I've been married to hubby for 2 years( for him 3rd marriage, for me 2nd marriage), we both bring 2 sons to the family. My sons live with us.  Hubby's oldest son is 19 yrs old, and lives out of state.  Hubby pays, and has always paid his support for both children.  In fact, he whines about having to pay for both and not being able to be involved at the level he'd like to.  Well, this is the issue, child support laws stated that support ends when the child turns age 18, if the child is not continuing his/her education.  Stepson, decides that he doesn't want to go to college, but instead would rather go to cosmotology school.  In the meantime, hubby decides that he would both continue to pay support and pay 1/2 of the tuition to complete cosmotolgy school.  When I questioned him about this decision, he states he just wants to make sure he's doing the right thing.  I on the other hand totally disagree with this decision, because to me unless he is going to an accredited college, hubby should not be paying both support and 1/2 tuition.  I see continuing to pay support until the child is emancipated, but 1/2 tution especially with out having talked to me about it is just outright wrong.  Now not only do I have to keep hearing this whinning on the support issue, but we can't get our financial matters set in place.  When ever I have a request for our family, I get I can't do everything or what is your input $$$ to this request.  Is that a bunch of bull or am I totally out of order?  Please advise?   

I think it is great that your husband has faithfully paid his court-ordered child support for his 2 boys and also that he wishes he had more time with them.  I wish more non-custodial parents were the same.  I personally don't think it is out of line for your husband to also continue the support and pay 1/2 tuition for his son to go to cosmetology school.  It may not be a university - but if that is the future career his son feels would be fulfilling for him - I think that is okay.  Isn't it really more important that his son is following a path that is right for him?  I'm sure his son is grateful that dad is willing to support him in it.  The only thing I see wrong here is that your husband didn't talk about this with you before he committed to it.  I know in some marriages, both keep finances totally separate and have no accountability to each other for how they spend/save their own funds.  That is pretty rare though and I didn't get the impression that is the way you and your husband have decided to run your marriage.  This really should have been a negotiated, joint decision on both your parts.  For your husband to just make a unilateral financial decision like this seems to have really frustrated you.  

I am not sure what to suggest now - have you been able to sit down and have a non-emotional, calm discussion about how you feel about this and how it is affecting the family have you have created together and your financial future?  If not, start there.  Maybe you can negotiate a change now - continue to pay 1/2 son's tuition, but lower the amount of child support you send him - especially since it is more than possible for him, at his age, to be working part-time while he goes to school (I know because I did so while going to college full time).  Maybe you would feel better about helping his son out, if you had some say in how much support was sent and also in knowing the son was contributing to his own financial needs.   

I am not sure how helpful I am being Ida - and need to also admit I have never been in your shoes.  I have 5 children, all with the same man, and we are still happily married.  You do have my empathy and I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement about this that you will both be 100% happy with.  Take care, Roxy 

I am sure this is very frustrating for you.  My fiance is divorced and has three children, 20, 17, and 10.  We bought a house together and blended our families.  I am a widow so I do not have divorce issues with an x-husband.  Thank God!  However my fiance has payed child support and alimony on time and regularly since his separation.  He has done everything that he was and is supposed to be doing.  Since his divorce his oldest two have moved in with him, do to that fact that they do not get along with there mother.  Sadly the youngest doesn't really have a voice in this issue and has to stay with her mom.  My fiance pays child support for his youngest.  When his 17 yr old daughter lived at home he too payed for her.  When she moved in with him he stopped paying.  Now that the two oldest are with us it can be tough at times because we do not receive any financial help at all from their mother.  She will only pay half of medical expenses for 17 yr old.  She believes that because my fiance doesn't have to pay child support for the 17 yr old that that should be his payment from her.  I certainly don't get that.  Their mother wont help with school clothes or anything extra.  Half of my fiances income goes to this ex wife.  It is so hard financially.  This is probably the biggest reason we cannot get married. 

He stopped payment child support for his oldest son when he graduated from high school.  But he does help him with things from time to tome.  I do know that everyones situation is a little different, divorces can be hard.  It can make people very angry and ugly.  My only advice is, put the children first. When  there are hard feelings it only hurts the kids. 

I do think that the two of you should make every financial decision together.  Even when paying for things for the kids.  I hope that this was any help to you.  "J"