Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

 Im concerned about people meeting on the internet,my ex-wife has deserted our two daughters then aged 15 and 17,she is now living in florida with a guy i only know as 'clay'.

WE ARE NOW SPLIT UP AS A FAMILY,my eldest girl who is a sickness beneficiary lives with me in new zealand,my youngest girl having had a blazing row with clay at the first few weeks of living in

florida now lives in the UK..my daughter who is living with me really misses her mom,and crys a lot.surely the guy clay should have thought of this when

enticing my ex-wife away to live with him,or is he totally selfish ? Also my ex-wife has left a string of debt behind and im paying it

off,and to cap it all she is trying to sell our home here in new zealand.

 My husband & I share a very tough marriage. At 3 months pregnant, we married against both of our wished but felt we were doing what was right for our family. From the beginning, our marriage was stressed with no foundation to build on. We weren't in love with each but had a great deal of respect for one another and wanted to make this work for our son. My husband chased me until the day we got married.The day after our wedding, he was at work. I cried for weeks realizing what I had gotten myself into. Our son was born 2 months early as a result of the stress in the marriage. After his arrival, we sought christian counseling and were making great strides in our relationship but they just weren't enough to keep us together. After consultation from my husbands family he decided we should try a new start in a new place. So we packed up and moved. Leaving MY entire support system 40 hours away. It has been well over a year and we now also share a second child. My dilema is this... my husband is a good man and a good father. He isn't mean to me and never has been. Although the father part has been a work in progress, he has made great strides.

He comes from a very broken home and I come from a very happy home. My parents have always been together. So I understand that we both brought different expectations into the marriage. My husband lies to me and I know it. I have pushed the trust issue before but it brought great debate, so I just leave it alone now.  But since we have moved, he has taken on a job in car sales. He honestly works from 8am until nearly 10pm nearly 7 days a week. Since we have moved to the west and cost of living is MUCH higher & he is on commision sales, he usually works his days off as well. As a stay at home mom, I  understand how hard he is working for our family. My personal issue is this... this has been the roughest year of my life. My second day in the area I was left alone and he began his insane work schedule. He didn't even take the time to show me the town but wrote out some major highways on a piece of paper. I have shared two high risk pregnancies with this man. Both of which, I was alone in.  In fact, many times I was in the hospital alone because he coudlnt' leave work. Many times I had to drive myself to the hospital in pre term labor trying to find some where to take my 2 year old son. In fact, within 2 days of delivering my second son... he was back at work. Thankfully, my family hopped a plane, and came to help me. Although I attend some mommy groups and have found some peace in the church, I can't help but feel so neglected. I am not expecting prince charming, I don't live in a fantasy world. I just want my husband to be in love with me and at the end of the day show me some emotional gratification. I need that from him so I continue to move on here with the children.  We have spoken about this many times and he says he knows he needs therapy, he doesn't know why he pushes me away. I sit next to him on the couch , try to kiss him and he pulls away or moves. We share two happy boys, although our oldest is going through autism screenings with likely positive results. So I am dealing with that on my own as well. I do most eveyrthing alone. I lead the family in nearly every where but financial. My husband controls all the finances. Yet, he is not financially responsible. We have moved into 4 different homes in the past year and will soon be filing bankruptsy. My only support is a few of his family members that are here. But I can't trust them with my feelings and I am honeslty afraid if I try to leave him they will interfere.   I no longer hold any resentment or hatred towards this man. I just feel well, "nothing." I have come to learn that I have no expectations from this man. Anytime I expected him to be there or be responsible, my heart got broken.   I do have a degree but haven't worked in 3 years. What does a stay at home mom who loves her children do  in a lonely, neglected marriage? Is it possible for a 29 year old woman to stay emotionally numb and still raise well adjusted sons? Please help me. I feel so trapped.

Growing up, one of my grandfathers (my dad's dad) was never talked about. As a kid I never thought much about it because he passed away way long before I was born. I remember over hearing a few voices being raised between the adults and my grandfather's name being men -tioned from time to time. All I knew was that he would disappear ( leave the house and not come back for days or a few months at a time ). I knew my dad did not get along with him.

Three years ago, when my dad passwed away, my stepmom gave me a box with some things (information / papers etc) of my grandmother's. There were also some newspaper articles about my grandfather. One of the articles had a picture with some men carring a stretcher out of some woods. I came to find out that my grandfather commited suicide. He slit his throat with a razor. In another article it aslo mentioned that my great uncle ( my grandfather's brother)  had killed himself the same way with the same razor. I was stunned. He had mental health problems.

Right after my dad's death ( heart attack ), i was having some mental health issues. I went to therapy and I was put on meds. It was discovered I was bipolar. After discussing life growing up and some adulthood issues, the diagnoss answered some things for me. It made me understand why I acted a certain way, made choices in my life and done certain things. I also had my doubts that I was really bipolar because it seems we've heard so many stories about excuses of bipolar disorder in the past few years. When my meds worked with the first week of being put on them I suddenly felt normal, I excepted it. I still have issues that I manage and I still see someone.

Sorry for the run on here.

I was angry that my family never told me about my grandfather's condition as I got older. Medically that is very important. When my doc asked me about pass illness in my family I told him there were none. Me knowing might have made a difference in my seeking help or understanding of my condition eariler than at 47.

Please discuss mental health issues with your family no matter how embarassing it might be. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I feel so much better and my life is happier. I wish my family had told me when I was at an age when I would have understood.

I don't think it is a question of loving your kids or your spouse more.  The love you feel for your spouse is different from the love you feel for the children.  You don't love your husband like a child.  Dr. Phil always says that there are different accounts when it comes to love. 

In my case,I would not trade my husband for my children, nor would I trade my children for my husband.

As to which comes first, I would say that the "family unit" comes first.  The husband and wife need to be in love with each other and do what is best for the family.  Personally, the children's needs should come first, BUT NOT their wants.  For example, if the baby is hungry or the toddler is hurt, then they need to be tended to immediately.  However, if the husband or wife has need of their spouse and the children have a particular want that isn't a need, then the needs of the spouse comes first. 

If the mother and father provide a firm foundation for the family with their love and commitment to each other, then the children can not help but have a secure, loving environment to grow up in.  However, if the children come first in everything, no matter what, then they will grow up thinking that the world revolves around them.  And that is not good for anyone.