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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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September 6, 2006, 9:45 am PDT

Difficult married life

Quote From: kaseyrae

 My husband & I share a very tough marriage. At 3 months pregnant, we married against both of our wished but felt we were doing what was right for our family. From the beginning, our marriage was stressed with no foundation to build on. We weren't in love with each but had a great deal of respect for one another and wanted to make this work for our son. My husband chased me until the day we got married.The day after our wedding, he was at work. I cried for weeks realizing what I had gotten myself into. Our son was born 2 months early as a result of the stress in the marriage. After his arrival, we sought christian counseling and were making great strides in our relationship but they just weren't enough to keep us together. After consultation from my husbands family he decided we should try a new start in a new place. So we packed up and moved. Leaving MY entire support system 40 hours away. It has been well over a year and we now also share a second child. My dilema is this... my husband is a good man and a good father. He isn't mean to me and never has been. Although the father part has been a work in progress, he has made great strides.

He comes from a very broken home and I come from a very happy home. My parents have always been together. So I understand that we both brought different expectations into the marriage. My husband lies to me and I know it. I have pushed the trust issue before but it brought great debate, so I just leave it alone now.  But since we have moved, he has taken on a job in car sales. He honestly works from 8am until nearly 10pm nearly 7 days a week. Since we have moved to the west and cost of living is MUCH higher & he is on commision sales, he usually works his days off as well. As a stay at home mom, I  understand how hard he is working for our family. My personal issue is this... this has been the roughest year of my life. My second day in the area I was left alone and he began his insane work schedule. He didn't even take the time to show me the town but wrote out some major highways on a piece of paper. I have shared two high risk pregnancies with this man. Both of which, I was alone in.  In fact, many times I was in the hospital alone because he coudlnt' leave work. Many times I had to drive myself to the hospital in pre term labor trying to find some where to take my 2 year old son. In fact, within 2 days of delivering my second son... he was back at work. Thankfully, my family hopped a plane, and came to help me. Although I attend some mommy groups and have found some peace in the church, I can't help but feel so neglected. I am not expecting prince charming, I don't live in a fantasy world. I just want my husband to be in love with me and at the end of the day show me some emotional gratification. I need that from him so I continue to move on here with the children.  We have spoken about this many times and he says he knows he needs therapy, he doesn't know why he pushes me away. I sit next to him on the couch , try to kiss him and he pulls away or moves. We share two happy boys, although our oldest is going through autism screenings with likely positive results. So I am dealing with that on my own as well. I do most eveyrthing alone. I lead the family in nearly every where but financial. My husband controls all the finances. Yet, he is not financially responsible. We have moved into 4 different homes in the past year and will soon be filing bankruptsy. My only support is a few of his family members that are here. But I can't trust them with my feelings and I am honeslty afraid if I try to leave him they will interfere.   I no longer hold any resentment or hatred towards this man. I just feel well, "nothing." I have come to learn that I have no expectations from this man. Anytime I expected him to be there or be responsible, my heart got broken.   I do have a degree but haven't worked in 3 years. What does a stay at home mom who loves her children do  in a lonely, neglected marriage? Is it possible for a 29 year old woman to stay emotionally numb and still raise well adjusted sons? Please help me. I feel so trapped.

You ask is it possible for an emotionally numb mother to raise well adjusted sons….I honestly don’t know the real, scientifically correct answer, but my educated guess is no, she can’t. If you don’t take care of yourself emotionally, how can you take care of anyone else’s emotional needs?
As a mother, I know that you want to do what is right for your children. You are thinking about their best interests, thinking that staying is best- and perhaps staying is the best thing to do, IF there are some changes. Big changes.
The best thing that you could do for yourself right now is to seek therapy. You need and deserve the opportunity to sit with a professional and vent all that has happened to you in these past few years. A professional is going to tell you the truth; then guide you towards making the right decisions that will lead you to a happier, healthier life. This won’t be easy- but the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. (If the right thing to do was easy, then we all would be living happy, healthy lives all of the time!)
You say that your husband admits that he needs therapy, right? Ask him to come to marriage counseling. If he can’t or won’t go, then you MUST go for yourself anyway. If your husband makes excuses- such as he can’t get time away from work, etc., be creative and suggest other alternatives, such as him making an appt. for therapy during his lunch hour.
To approach this subject with your husband, my advice is this: tell him that you appreciate all that he does for you and your children, and tell him that you both deserve happiness, and that you need to learn how to obtain that happiness. There is NO SHAME is seeking outside help from therapists. Again, if he can’t/won’t go, you need to go anyway.
This is the best gift you could ever give yourself- the gift of change.
 
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September 6, 2006, 7:20 pm PDT

My son is leaving on Sept. 20th for Kentucky

I have a question for all of the parents out there. My son who is 21 is moving to Kentucky on Sept. 20th, to be with a lady who is my age (37) and some other people, whom he had meet only over the internet this includes the lady. He told me that he has already bought the airline ticket and is going to pick it up tomorrow, (I found out about all this today). His grandparents have already gave him the riot act, so I said to him I know riding you on this subject is not going to matter (he reminds me of being me and all the stupid things I had done). I told him to keep in contact with us and was he postively sure that he has thought this fully out. All the pros and cons, and was he prepared for any problems that might arise. Of course he told me yes he has. Is there any thing that I might be forgetting to tell him? He knows how his grandparents and I feel about this move and if a problem does arise we can not come and get him, I live in Washington state and my parents live in Idaho state and neither of us have the finances to go to Kentucky. Any response would be helpful.
 
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September 7, 2006, 11:31 am PDT

Son's big move away from home!

Quote From: ddowns2003

I have a question for all of the parents out there. My son who is 21 is moving to Kentucky on Sept. 20th, to be with a lady who is my age (37) and some other people, whom he had meet only over the internet this includes the lady. He told me that he has already bought the airline ticket and is going to pick it up tomorrow, (I found out about all this today). His grandparents have already gave him the riot act, so I said to him I know riding you on this subject is not going to matter (he reminds me of being me and all the stupid things I had done). I told him to keep in contact with us and was he postively sure that he has thought this fully out. All the pros and cons, and was he prepared for any problems that might arise. Of course he told me yes he has. Is there any thing that I might be forgetting to tell him? He knows how his grandparents and I feel about this move and if a problem does arise we can not come and get him, I live in Washington state and my parents live in Idaho state and neither of us have the finances to go to Kentucky. Any response would be helpful.
You have been clear with your son that there is no way you can rescue him financially if he is ever in the position that he might need it- that is really all that you can do. I know it must be difficult to watch your son make what could be a very bad decision, however, he is an adult and probably feels that he can handle this just fine. Of course, you want him to feel that he can handle this just fine- you are just worried about what will happen if he can’t. (I would feel the same way, I’m sure!)
Let your son know that you love him and he can call anytime. Encourage him to follow his dreams and not to get held back by someone else’s dreams- example: this woman that he is going to live with. Does he have employment lined up out there? Does he have a plan? Even though you are worried beyond belief, you aren’t going to change his mind. You don’t want him to leave thinking that failing would be the worst thing that could happen, because it isn’t’ the worst thing that could happen. Even if it doesn’t work out for him, it will be a life learning experience. It would really suck if he stayed in a bad situation because he didn’t want to come home and hear, “I told you so!” or something of that nature. So before he goes, let him know that you want to support him emotionally even though you are worried for him. Let him know he is welcome back home at any time, no questions asked if that is what he wants. It is hard to let go. Good luck to you and your family.
 
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September 7, 2006, 6:27 pm PDT

get out

Quote From: allyfield

 My husband and I have a 2 year old son together and I am currently 7 months pregnant with our second child. I have an issue with my husband and his family. His family and my family live 2 1/2 hours away. When we go to one of his families functions i end up leaving by myself with our son to stay at my parents house because he has been drinking and does not want to leave he wants to stay and party on with his family.  This happens every time we go to sydney to visit our families. Only recently we went to sydney for his sisters 21st birthday party a week before we made a compromise that we would leave at 10.30pm and get our son home to sleep at my parents house. The morning we were leaving our son got sick with croup but we still went down to sydney. When we got to sydney he met up with his mates and i stayed at my parents house before the party and looked after our sick son. Because our son did not sleep during the day on the way over to the party he fell asleep in the car. I let him sleep till about 8.30pm and decided i better waker him or he will be up all night well when I woke him he was very unhappy and still unwell and all he wanted to do was sit in the car he did not want anyone near him or could I get him out of the car to go into the party. So by 9.00pm i decided that was it he was too unhappy and unwell and crying alot to take him home to my parents house but my husband refused to come because it wasn't 10.30pm yet. We argured and he got very verbal (name calling)  and abusive (as he does when he drinks alot) and I ended up leaving by myself once again. How can I make my husband wake up to himself and start acting like a proper husband and family man before its too late. We have a wedding to go to in november and i am worried it is going to happen again but this time I will have a 4 week old newborn to worry about too. HELP I am so depressed and unhappy I do not think I can take it anymore.

   

 

   hi i was with a man like that for 15 years and i laft him in the end dont let any one call you nams u dont wont a life like this give him the boots   

 
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September 7, 2006, 7:31 pm PDT

Thanks for your support

Quote From: jaimie1974

You have been clear with your son that there is no way you can rescue him financially if he is ever in the position that he might need it- that is really all that you can do. I know it must be difficult to watch your son make what could be a very bad decision, however, he is an adult and probably feels that he can handle this just fine. Of course, you want him to feel that he can handle this just fine- you are just worried about what will happen if he cant. (I would feel the same way, Im sure!)
Let your son know that you love him and he can call anytime. Encourage him to follow his dreams and not to get held back by someone elses dreams- example: this woman that he is going to live with. Does he have employment lined up out there? Does he have a plan? Even though you are worried beyond belief, you arent going to change his mind. You dont want him to leave thinking that failing would be the worst thing that could happen, because it isnt the worst thing that could happen. Even if it doesnt work out for him, it will be a life learning experience. It would really suck if he stayed in a bad situation because he didnt want to come home and hear, I told you so! or something of that nature. So before he goes, let him know that you want to support him emotionally even though you are worried for him. Let him know he is welcome back home at any time, no questions asked if that is what he wants. It is hard to let go. Good luck to you and your family.
Thanks for your support and I did let him know that I am always here and also gave him a calling card to use if need be. I'll be seeing him off on the 20th along with my parents. thanks again, (he is my oldest I got 1 more to go who is 15 right now and that one's a girl) God help me........ha,ha
 
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September 7, 2006, 11:16 pm PDT

HELP!

I need some help. My family is having major problems. I have tried every way under the sun to get in touch with Dr. Phil for the past 4 years to see if he can help my family. I would like to know if anyone out there can help. If you can please send a message to dpadgett@uophx.edu immediately. Your help will greatly be appreciated.

D.

 
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September 13, 2006, 5:24 pm PDT

a family that stays together

I’m a 25-yr.-old single professional woman, and I make my living as a musician. I run my own music business, tour 45 weekends a year with my favorite band, and moonlight as a model. When I graduated from college, my parents expressed a wish that I would continue to live at home. My mother was lonely, as my brothers had recently left home, and I had just ended a very harmful long-term relationship and preferred the cheerful atmosphere of home with loved ones to a lonely single apartment or an unknown roommate.

In some ethnic backgrounds, such as my own, adult children living at home is not at all uncommon and is culturally acceptable. I have a large, close, and wonderfully wacky extended family. Several of my single uncles and cousins live with their elderly parents, and do a great deal for them. It makes it possible for the older generation to live independently, which makes them much happier, and the adult children who choose not to marry have companionship and responsibility for someone else (having no family of their own to care for).

 

While Mom insists I don’t pay rent right now, I try to help out as much as I can. (Sometimes that means being sneaky, like hiding money in Mom's purse!) I love to come home from work and know there’s light, warmth, love and people who care, and it’s fun to leave fresh hot baked surprises and a clean kitchen and bathroom for my parents when they come home from work. While we all work different hours and I travel a lot, we do our best to make quality time for each other on the rare times when we’re all home.

 

I’ve seen many single young adults, when they live alone, get self-centered and careless of others because they have no one to think about or care for but themselves. Living with family means I always have someone else to think about and do things for.

 

We tease each other, laugh together, support each other, help each other, do things together, love each other dearly, and only occasionally drive each other crazy. I have many other great friends of both genders, but my family is the absolute best. We’re very close, and they are the greatest friends a person could ever have. I may not always choose to be single, but while I am, I’m very happy living at home. I try my hardest to make it a good thing for my favorite people in the world as well. I’m so thankful that they have given me the opportunity to really get to know them as adults and friends rather than just parent/child. They are great people!! I’d be a lonely, sad woman without their love, support, encouragement, and inspiration—and if I have achieved any success, it’s through the grace of God and the support of my parents.

 

So many people in today’s world can’t understand why a young, healthy, sane, capable, and independent adult would choose to live at home with parents, viewing it as a “failure to launch”. On the contrary, my parents inspire and encourage me to live my dreams every day, and I want to always be the kind of daughter that makes their lives better too. I’d leave right away if it caused any trouble or tension for them, but they keep telling me how happy they are that I stay. I cover my own personal and business expenses and never want to be a burden on them. I just like their company. They are creative, active, interesting, visionary, and inspiring, and have hearts of gold besides. I love them with all my heart, and am proud to call them my parents—and my very best friends.

 

 

 

 
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September 13, 2006, 5:24 pm PDT

never there...

 I'm 20 years old and the middle child of three girls. My older sister is going on with her independent college life in a different state. my younger sister is severely handicapped and has been placed in a place that can take care of her better than we can, but is also in a different state. my parents have divorced at the beginning of last year. I live with my mother, but it feels like I'm living on my own. for the last 10 years, my mother had worked constantly, and I never saw her when my sisters and I needed her the most. It still hasn't changed. she's never home. and if she is, she's sleeping and doesn't want to be disturbed. if she isn't sleeping, she's either working, out with different dates, or working out with her friends. my mother and I moved from one state to another, and I don't have any friends in this state yet. the only person I have is my mother and she's never here anyways. she knows absolutely nothing about me anymore. I don't have enough money to move out of our cheap trailer house. even now, she's never there when I need to talk to her. she never had time for me and still never has time. and it doesn't help that half the time I'm actually afraid of her because she's inherited my grandfather's angry words, temper, and verbal harrassment towards me, my sisters, and our beloved animals. I don't want to end up like her. what should I do with barely no money, and no place to turn to?

 
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September 13, 2006, 8:58 pm PDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: shakiro

 I'm 20 years old and the middle child of three girls. My older sister is going on with her independent college life in a different state. my younger sister is severely handicapped and has been placed in a place that can take care of her better than we can, but is also in a different state. my parents have divorced at the beginning of last year. I live with my mother, but it feels like I'm living on my own. for the last 10 years, my mother had worked constantly, and I never saw her when my sisters and I needed her the most. It still hasn't changed. she's never home. and if she is, she's sleeping and doesn't want to be disturbed. if she isn't sleeping, she's either working, out with different dates, or working out with her friends. my mother and I moved from one state to another, and I don't have any friends in this state yet. the only person I have is my mother and she's never here anyways. she knows absolutely nothing about me anymore. I don't have enough money to move out of our cheap trailer house. even now, she's never there when I need to talk to her. she never had time for me and still never has time. and it doesn't help that half the time I'm actually afraid of her because she's inherited my grandfather's angry words, temper, and verbal harrassment towards me, my sisters, and our beloved animals. I don't want to end up like her. what should I do with barely no money, and no place to turn to?

I think that you need to move out on your own and get away from your mother. I know you say that you don't have the money, do you have a job. I moved out of state with three children to get out of a bad situation. I t may be tight for awhile but if you are determined you can do anything, work to jobs if you have to. If I can do it wiyh yhree children you can do it for yourself. It isn't healthly to live with your mother, you can do it! 
 
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September 13, 2006, 9:04 pm PDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: doshiakaye

I need some help. My family is having major problems. I have tried every way under the sun to get in touch with Dr. Phil for the past 4 years to see if he can help my family. I would like to know if anyone out there can help. If you can please send a message to dpadgett@uophx.edu immediately. Your help will greatly be appreciated.

D.

I wish I could help you, my family needs Dr. Phil's help as well I e-mailed him one day and did not receive a response keep trying call and write him often and let if know how much you need his help. I'll pray that he can help you as well as me!
 
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