Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

You are never going to change your husband or anybody. I was with a guy for eight years and I thought he would grow up, he won't unless he decides to and you are not going to make him. As a matter of fact the more you try to change him the more he won't want to change. Either decide to be with the person that he is (not the person you wasnt him to be) or decide not to be with him but you are never going to change him!

 Sometimes help can come from sharing with others. Doctor Phil is great but he can't work complete miracles in the sense that he can't talk to every person on here. I believe everyone probably has written a message to him at some stage and of course there is no way anyone could reply to all that mail. Try sharing it with some people here, maybe we can offer some advice or solutions to help you and if not then you may feel a little bit better because you won't be alone any more.

I agree about leaving home if possible but make sure you aren't going to be taking yourself from a bad situation to a worse one. You will need money to support yourself whether you can get that from a benefit or from a job but there are always bills to pay when you have moved out. You could also try living with a friend or another family member for a while, your friends are in a different state but maybe somehow you can travel there to stay with them?
The only other thing I can think of that might work is get a relative or someone to go with you and talk to your mother, then if she gets angry about it she can't hurt you. No mother, or anybody, has the right to hurt someone, whether it be verbal or otherwise. You and your sisters need a good role model in your life and if she can't be that then she is losing one of the best things in the world, having a close bond with her children.
Be careful and good luck. I hope you can work things out. BTW if you do decide to go, take the pets with you :P

Right now I live with my mother and my son in a 2 bedroom apartment. I seperated from my sons father back in April and got the apartment with my mom. I found out that I was pregnant back in May and the father of the new baby has taken off. My first son's father and I are working things out and plan to move back in with each other after my lease is up only because my mother can't afford it on her own. She has been told that she is considered disabled from the people at work source, but she may not get disability because she already gets DIC from my father being retired and deceased military. My mom could still work if she wanted to, but she has already admitted to me that she doesn't want to. The holidays are coming up and my boyfriend wants to go see his family this year, but now my mother is complaining even though she was with us last year. I don't want to keep on like this. I have my own family to worry about now and I don't think I can take care of her forever. I love my mom don't get me wrong, but she and I have never really had the bond between us that my dad and I did. Any advise??

 

You know I feel like I don't know my family anymore. We've had a rough couple of years in my family. I try to be strong, but my strength is faltering. My mother passed away in June of 2005 and before the grief had a chance to settle my sister had her children put into foster care due to drug use. All I ever had was my mom and my sister. I don’t have any contact with my dad. I always felt like I had the “mother” role in my sister’s life because my mother had gotten in car accident that forever changed her when we were very young. Now before I’ve had a chance to deal with what has happened to my sister and her children another problem has come up in my life. All this has happened in the last year and a half. My uncle, who is also my godfather, has decided to disown me.

 

The reason is because I still speak to his ex-daughter-in-law. His son lives out of town and she called me and told me that my cousin (her ex-husband) had a baby with his new girlfriend. The reason she knew was because my cousin called her to pick up the kids because he was at the hospital waiting for his baby to be born. The whole pregnancy had been kept hush hush. My grandmother had to see that the new girlfriend pregnant before they told her. The baby was born on a Tuesday and on the following Friday I had told my aunt that the baby was born. Well then she told my grandmother. Well my uncle called my grandmother on that Sunday to tell her and well you guessed it . . . she already knew and apparently it was my fault and I had no right to tell her! Apparently they were not sure it was my cousin’s baby and wanted to go see the baby first before they said anything. He had my grandmother call me and say if I did not stop talking to his ex-daughter-in-law that I would lose him and his family. Well I was so hurt that first he would threaten me like that and secondly he had my grandmother do his talking for him, putting her in the middle!! I told my grandmother that wasn’t a big threat since I never heard from him and he never invited us to his gatherings. He wasn’t really apart of my life. The only time I really seen him and his family is on holidays. It was the fact that he even threatened me that really made me upset! Now I feel like an outsider. I’ve refused to go to any family gatherings and now with the holidays coming up then it’s already hard because my mom is not there to share it with me, but I don’t want to go because I don’t want to be around someone who feels like their life is better without me. Why should I got just to feel uncomfortable, but it’s my family, especially my children that get the short end of the stick. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my wits end! I open for suggestions.

You start to have kids and then they grow up. but at a certain age they lie, steal and use you..So we were poor but i always had food..My second child always stole from me..Now the two older kids dont call dont help me out so yeah family relations stinks..They still hurt me..Soimetimes i wonder ..

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Okay.....Family gatherings if i was you i would go if not for you ..then for your children..

How do you explain to your child(ren) why they can not visit with thier Grandparents?

Here is the story.. I gave birth to a beautiful son 19 years ago... His father chose not to be there. No we were not married, nor really dating...Just sorta got together and I became with child.. I gave him a choice to be in his life or not... well he chose to be there for a time... Then He decided to get married when our son was 2yrs old.  After he married he told me he made a mistake ...I told him he was the only one who could fix that. He chose to stay with her. ... He would sneak over to see us from time to time.. She was very much against him seein his son..  I never bothered her unlike her..She would show up at my place of work.. I worked in a public place.. Anyways.. He always told me that his parents did not want anything to do with us, since we never married... since then he has gone on to have 3 more children... 3years ago my beautiful mom passed away... a year later I was in a funky mood..I sent a pic and a little information to his parents just to let them know that thier grandson was growing into a fine young man.. low and behold.. they had no idea that they had a grandson.. his sister knew and had been trying to find him for a while.. not knowing we lived a mile from his grandparents and that thier grandson was going to graduate from the same school as his father... well now that he is in his grandparents lives..his father will not let the other 3 grandchildren come to visit.. he now lives in Florida...The 3 children have no idea they have a big brother..yea this is the story... Because of something good for my son..his younger sisters and younger brother do not get to see grandma and grandpa anymore..HELP!!!!

Dr.Phil,

You say you want no leaf unturned well then here you go this is the perfect show for you.My family is such a mess,my mother had a baby in the 1960s that was of a mixed race so she gave her up for adoption.She told me all my life that she was dead but turns out that shes not.So not only did she lie to me but she also gave me her name like i was to be a replacement for her. My mothers family disowned her and everyone that had anything to do with her.When i found out that my sister was still alive my mother told me that i was a liar because her baby died.So to this day she still tells me that.A few months ago my grandmother died and nobody told me,nor was anyone listed in the obituary from my family except for my aunt that lived next door to her.I found out she died on the internet.My fathers side of the family is the same way they don't talk and he doesn't want anything to do with me either.I used to call and check up my dad once in awhile just to make sure he was still alive and to let him know that i did care but his phone has been turned off for the last year so i don't even no if he is alive or not anymore.My question for you is why did i have to be born into such a screwed up family.I am so lonely and just want to feel like i belong somewhere.Everything that i thought i was and where i came from is all a lie.I don't no who i am anymore.I have 3 kids of my own and i am trying to be a good mother to them and give them a better life than i had.They ask about my mom and dad but i don't no what to tell them as to why they don't see them without hurting there feelings.It is my choice that they don't see my mother,and maybe that is wrong but i don't feel that she is my mother or maybe its just that i don't want her to be my mother because i hate her so much for what she has done to me.So do you have any advice?

Kids do not get to pick their family. (parents). We are born, and what happens, happens. It is how we choose to deal with it as adults that will make or break us. With the life that I was born into, by age three, it was a mess. My life only got worse from that age. As I grew up I was so shy and afraid to talk for fear of being beaten that I watched my P's and Q's. As I got older, I could have been into sex, drugs, runway, and God only knows what else. But growing up I also learned that God was watching out for me. I have today a wonderful man, after a divorce, and then being a widow. I have worked hard to keep Gods word in my life and I am now reaping those rewards. Sure, life is still hard, but it is only for a short time. Compared to eternity that I will have someday! Dealing with the hate for you mother is something that you will need to do. You can get help with counseling. You need to forgive your parents also. Harboring hate and ill feelings is wrong. !st Corinthians......read it. It will help. We have the control to make the life we want for ourselves and for our family. Choosing not Town and make changes; we only have us to blame.......not our parents.  

My ex (25 year marriage ended due to his emotional and physical abuse) is remarried for two years. Yesterday he handed me a note inviting me to his new home for Thanksgiving and demanded an immediate answer. I used work as a delay until I could think this through better.

 

My reservations are:

 

It could make our kids uncomfortable. (son 28 married with 4 grands, daughter 25 special needs, and daughter 14) I know if I was in their shoes I'd feel placed in the middle..... not wanting to hurt either parent inadvertently. But, with us both in the room all day...... very stifling IMHO.

 

I, myself, am highly uncomfortable to have this gathering on HIS turf. It would be easier if we all met at a restaurant (neutral ground).

 

Old issues.... but, he's never acknowledged or apologized for abusing me. He says all the bruises to my heart and body were because I was stupid, etc. I have a difficult time considering socializing with him. I have always (for the kids) been congenial throughout..... but, I am afraid I'd feel forced into a corner with this being at his home. And why does he even want me there after all the times he has told me I am not even welcome in my son's home if he is visiting there? And my poor daughters..... he only allows them to attend family holidays AFTER everyone else has eaten the meal.... then (only then) is their brother allowed to go get them from my home.... and then they are allowed (by their father) to eat leftovers alone at the table. Yes, he is a sick, sick  man.

 

Anyway, input appreciated regarding whether I should even consider attending.......