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Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

Number of Replies: 489
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:16:57 am
Author : dataimport
They're there for you when nobody else is, and understand without  you having to explain. Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Share your story.

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July 23, 2005, 8:33 pm CDT

The family I thought I had, ...I never had...

Please bear with me, as this is very painful to express. 10 years ago, I was raped by my Aunt's husband the night before they were to be married and never said anything. They had a party, everyone was drinking, I passed out and thought I was in a safe place (My aunt's house). When I woke up, he was having his way with me. I grabbed my clothes and ran out. So here I am, all of 31 years of age, now married to a man who refuses to attend those family functions because the rapist would be at the family gathering. Thats understandable, right? But for 7 years, my hubby hasnt came to any family functions, and it has really started to screw with my marriage, starting with the family taking pot shots at my hubby for not coming around (little do they know why!) So on my Dad's b-day, my grandmother kept belittling and berating my marriage and my husband, so I blew up, and the truth came out. The truth would've never came out if my hubby hadn't put his foot down about how he feels about this. Since I put my family in check, they obviously side with the rapist, and now I've lost the family I thought I had. This guy isn't even blood. We were a tight knit Italian family, but where's the love? My mom and dad told me that I should've just kept my mouth shut. What the f--- is that? Someone, anyone, what the hell is going on here? Yes I know I should've spoken up back then, but I love my Aunt so much, I didn't want to speak up and ruin her wedding day!

 
July 24, 2005, 2:27 pm CDT

Family

Please bear with me, as this is very painful to express. 10 years ago, I was raped by my Aunt's husband the night before they were to be married and never said anything. They had a party, everyone was drinking, I passed out and thought I was in a safe place (My aunt's house). When I woke up, he was having his way with me. I grabbed my clothes and ran out. So here I am, all of 31 years of age, now married to a man who refuses to attend those family functions because the rapist would be at the family gathering. Thats understandable, right? But for 7 years, my hubby hasnt came to any family functions, and it has really started to screw with my marriage, starting with the family taking pot shots at my hubby for not coming around (little do they know why!) So on my Dad's b-day, my grandmother kept belittling and berating my marriage and my husband, so I blew up, and the truth came out. The truth would've never came out if my hubby hadn't put his foot down about how he feels about this. Since I put my family in check, they obviously side with the rapist, and now I've lost the family I thought I had. This guy isn't even blood. We were a tight knit Italian family, but where's the love? My mom and dad told me that I should've just kept my mouth shut. What the f--- is that? Someone, anyone, what the hell is going on here? Yes I know I should've spoken up back then, but I love my Aunt so much, I didn't want to speak up and ruin her wedding day!

Bless your heart!! I understand what you went through with your uncle because I was raped by my mothers boyfriend when I was 12 Im now 38 and it still effects me.Your husband had every right to put his foot down that is what a good husband should do.As for your family if they want to take your uncle's side and not your's shame on them.They should be there for you but if that's the way they want to be than let them stay out of your life and be with the one's that will love you and protect you.When they wake up and realize you were violated and treated so unfair and apoligize to you then try to make amends.But until then be happy with the family you do have that loves as it sounds like your husband does.If it was my husband he would have showed my uncle a few things thats probably why your husband didn't want to go to any family functions in fear that he wouldve done something to him and that wouldve just brought more heartache to you.
 
July 25, 2005, 8:59 am CDT

LET ME BE THE GRAMMA PLEASE, NO MORE CRUELTY

July 25, 2005, 8:34 am PDT why can't i meet my real gamma?

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

 

 

 

You promised not to leave a stone unturned but I have yet to see a show on this particular theme: children locking parents out of the grand-children’s’ lives as a result of a messy, violent divorce/separation of their parents.

 

 

 

 

I did not want to marry my husband because I found him very selfish. But after he raped me I decided to, to ‘save my honour’. (1968)

 

 

 

 

Bad move, yet I would do it again because despite the events in our marriage, three children were born. He wanted me to abort the first child because I was in Teachers College at the time. (1971) I found out and they put pressure on me to pull out. I refused and had my child and wrote my last exam within 24 hours. It was not easy because I have a neurological disorder called Charcot Marie Tooth Syndrome. I can live with that but the idea that a man can think abortion is an option haunts me!

Secondly, in my 9th month, he insisted I cook him boiled potatoes…. It was so hot out, I

had spent the day in school, ninth month into pregnancy was HEAVY soo tired, etc. etc…. well, I gave in and a pot of boiling water spilled on my huge belly gluing my polyester gown to my flesh: I suffered severe burns and to this day I shiver when I think he blamed me for being clumsy and did not come to the doctor with me: I tell you this as an example for having said he was selfish.

 

 

 

 

Life went on. He raped me for my third child. (remember rape was legal at that time in Canada the police tell me 1976). I was not ready for this one as I had just given birth to my second (1975) and had started a good paying job as a special ed. teacher

 

 

 

 

I gave birth to my sole daughter in 1977 and she inherited my syndrome: needless to say I went full steam ahead to try to avert surgery for a severe scoliosis in 1983. By 1986, the world famous back surgeon said I had performed a medical miracle: I had sought out the help of Dr Jeno Tyjani, Alex Bowman’s swimming coach for help! Remember Alex Bowman won the world swimming  -gold in LA. Dr. Phil? Why did my husband refuse to share the work involved in her therapy? Why did he poison my girl’s mind saying I was trying to make a handicap out of her? Why was he making her deny her disability as though it would disappear?

 

 

 

 

I guess that’s another issue!

 

 

 

 

Seems that is water under the bridge for me now…. She has a Cinema degree now and is in Law school… but she won’t talk to me blaming me for things I cannot acknowledge.

 

 

 

 

My issue is this! When my husband left, he vowed he would have me on the streets homeless! This happened! And I was recuperating from severe kidney problems undergoing surgeries for years and recuperating in Women’s Shelters. Not fun! I was made to look like the loser who could not get a life!

 

 

 

 

My husband waged a vicious war! Bt what hurts the most is the fact that t was not easy for me in many ways! But, I would do it over again to se them have a life!

 

 

 

 

Here is the show I would want to see Dr. Phil:

 

 

 

 

1-      show how a parent should never be victim of a war game In marriage

 

 

2-      show that it is an act of inhumanity and cruelty to continue this war and stop a loving gramma from seeing her grand-children

 

 

3-   explain the dynamics of anger, and confusion and the long term repercussions for grand-children robbed of a gramma like me!

 

 

 

 

With Family First etc. I feel I have found an ambassador for my values. I feel the pain of millions of gammas caught in this web of baseless hatred! Please count our tears and change them to laughter and a child on a grammna lap listening to a story and looking at his father and what he did as a kid turning the pages on the photo album!

 

 
July 26, 2005, 11:23 am CDT

Blended Families

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?
 
July 29, 2005, 1:05 pm CDT

Husband relationship with hix X-wife

I'm npt quite sure what to do about this, if anything.  My husband and I have been married for

2 1/2 years.  His x-wife lives in anohter state with their 3 children.  Recently the oldest boy broke the law and had to go to court.  My husband drove to 4 hours to another state to be there for his son.  Subsequently he's been back and this last time he fell asleep on the couch.  He told me that he was tired and needed some sleep.  He's going back again because of another court date and is planning to stay all night go to court the next day and then return home.

 

I have voiced my anger with him for making the choice to sleep there " Handle your business then get on down the road" and I have asked him not to sleep there because its not right.  I've asked to accompany him on the trip, but he doesn't want to hurt her.  He said to me  " How would you feel if you were in her place?"  It would seem to me that his son could use all the support he could get.

He continues to ignore how I feel and I don't know what to do about it. 

 
July 29, 2005, 6:41 pm CDT

Do What?!?!

Quote From: faybian

I'm npt quite sure what to do about this, if anything.  My husband and I have been married for

2 1/2 years.  His x-wife lives in anohter state with their 3 children.  Recently the oldest boy broke the law and had to go to court.  My husband drove to 4 hours to another state to be there for his son.  Subsequently he's been back and this last time he fell asleep on the couch.  He told me that he was tired and needed some sleep.  He's going back again because of another court date and is planning to stay all night go to court the next day and then return home.

 

I have voiced my anger with him for making the choice to sleep there " Handle your business then get on down the road" and I have asked him not to sleep there because its not right.  I've asked to accompany him on the trip, but he doesn't want to hurt her.  He said to me  " How would you feel if you were in her place?"  It would seem to me that his son could use all the support he could get.

He continues to ignore how I feel and I don't know what to do about it. 

I would pack his bags (everything he owns) and send him on his merry way! Why is he worried about how she would feel, when you are his wife? Dont your feelings count?j How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If nothing else, he could stay in a hotel but he shouldnt stay at her house! Put your foot down and tell him you are uncomfortable with him staying there. If nothing else, you go with him and stay at her house too! I wouldnt want my husband to stay at his ex's house. HECK NO!
 
July 30, 2005, 12:05 pm CDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: wifeandmom

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?
I have a similar situation, but have been trying to work all of our relationships out.  Anyway, I would suggest contacting a University pych. department.  I have resently visited a therapist through a University and he was/is very good at his job. If your husband and/or son would be willing to go with you, all the better.  Your one step ahead of me if the whole family is willing to go.
 
July 30, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

blended family.......

Quote From: wifeandmom

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?

Wow, this must be so difficult for you!! When your husband says the comments, like you only want to play a game to entertain your son, does he say that in front of your son, and does your son pick up on this animosity? Even if he doesn't, I'm sure that your son feels the tension/animosity between the two of you, and he most likely feels confused and wondering how could he make things better for you, mom....which is a very sad way to feel for him.

 

Its great that you are looking for a family councelor, yes it can feel overwhelming when there are so many...but I urge you to just pick one ASAP...if you meet the councelor and you don't 'click', then you just pick another one. This happened to me- I didn't click with my first councelor that I tried, and it turned me off from counceling for a few years, but now looking back on it-- I can admit that at that time in my life I used it as an excuse to not go to counceling because I think that at that point in my life I was not ready to accept happiness for myself. I hope this isn't the case for you!! I'm sure its not, you are torn between two people you love very, very much.  It sounds like there are so many other things that are going good for you in your life, your marriage, etc., so please don't waste another day, call and make an appt. with a therepist NOW.

 
July 30, 2005, 3:57 pm CDT

The Meaning of "Family"

Quote From: jb7ctx

I would pack his bags (everything he owns) and send him on his merry way! Why is he worried about how she would feel, when you are his wife? Dont your feelings count?j How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If nothing else, he could stay in a hotel but he shouldnt stay at her house! Put your foot down and tell him you are uncomfortable with him staying there. If nothing else, you go with him and stay at her house too! I wouldnt want my husband to stay at his ex's house. HECK NO!
Thanks so much for the reply.  I'll put my foot down, make the reservations and see what happens.  I'm praying too, so that I can have peace about this matter and that he'll do the right thing.
 
August 14, 2005, 12:52 am CDT

don't protect

Quote From: darlaash

Bless your heart!! I understand what you went through with your uncle because I was raped by my mothers boyfriend when I was 12 Im now 38 and it still effects me.Your husband had every right to put his foot down that is what a good husband should do.As for your family if they want to take your uncle's side and not your's shame on them.They should be there for you but if that's the way they want to be than let them stay out of your life and be with the one's that will love you and protect you.When they wake up and realize you were violated and treated so unfair and apoligize to you then try to make amends.But until then be happy with the family you do have that loves as it sounds like your husband does.If it was my husband he would have showed my uncle a few things thats probably why your husband didn't want to go to any family functions in fear that he wouldve done something to him and that wouldve just brought more heartache to you.
There seems to be a pattern here my sweet, you've being protecting your aunt, parents and anyone else that's part of the equation, even the low life who raped you, but who's protecting you. Have you always played these games in life when you protect others, maybe it's time to put your feelings first and let them deal with theirs and don't carry their guilt anymore. How they react is not your problem you didn't ask for it to happen. Would some of these people back you up like you do them? Make sure your partner stops playing your game as well and the two of you will fight through this together as that's the support you need in this situation not others approval or judgement. Maybe you've been barking up the wrong tree to get through this heartache. I wish you well, Love Lauren
 
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