Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

 I just found out recently that my older sister has been seeing the guy I dated for five years and was engaged to for two.. Things did not work out for us mainly because he could not stop dragging his feet about moving forward. I ended it not because i wanted to, but because I was feeling a little lonely and betrayed by the back burner!  I mean after five years we were not even living together.. Guess i felt like he was "just not that into me"!

Anyway, my sister knew how I felt about this guy especially since he had called my step-father and had left some gifts for my children and I at x-mas. I emailed him to let him know i got the stuff he brought and told him i would talk to him more when time allowed.(I am single, full-time working mom who takes care of my step-father at night because he is paralyzed and lives alone).  He called my house to wish us a haapy new year and i saw him where i work and we had a nice conversation--leaving room for the possibility of reconciling. I told him I would call him! Somewhere in between there my sister phoned him one night while she was at the bar and ask him to come get her because she "too drunk" to drive. He did! She told him I wanted nothing to do with him and of course, she didn't know why because he was a great guy...... You Can see where that went... I was informed by my mother who was "suspicous" and eventually seen it for myself!  Completely devistated and crushed! Especially since she was with my children's father after we had split and he was very abusive to me while we were together.   She is 34 now and i guess i had thought she grew up and out of my men and into her own. NOT!!!!!

Anyhow, my question is that my family, while they "disapprove" still treats her as if she is doing nothing wrong when they see her. They completely say nothing and smile giving her a sense of security about her actions. They pretty much kiss her butt because they don't want o hear her mouth!! She has lived with her son at my mother's for 11 years never having to pay a dime and insisting she shouldn't have to because my other sibling hasn't in the past. She does not care for her son, we all do and have. Yeah shes there, but only to shower and play dress up for whatever guy she is dating (and I use that term loosely)! Am I being unreasonable to expect them to atleast make her feel a little uncomfortable about this and at the very least remind her what she is doing is WRONG!!!!!! They all tell me they agree with me, but none of them have a backbone to tell her!  I am considering closing them all out for a little while, so I can regain my composure because they don't mind bringing it up to me, they just don't want to hear my feelings about all this.. And part of me wants them to cold shoulder her for a while and let her feel what her actions are responsible for!!

Your sister is the type of woman who has no self respect and little to no self esteem. I can understand where you are coming from; I think that if I were in your shoes, I would want my family to cold shoulder the sister, too- BUT- you have no control over other people, over what they say, do or think. The only person that you have any control over is yourself.

In my opinion, you dont have to totally cut communication with your family or alienate yourself. Instead, attempt to create healthier relationships with all of them. What you need to do is create and enforce healthy boundaries with them, it is never too late to do that. Do you want them to not talk about your sister and her escapades? Then speak up and say so. Simply say, I seriously dont want to hear about what she is up to. And then, change the subject.

Remember this: your sister did not steal this man like a pack of gum, he went with her willingly. They both have made choices that are hurtful to you. Living well is the best revenge. Regarding the fact that your sister doesnt pay rent and doesnt take care of her child, etc.- that isnt your business, you shouldnt be wasting your energy focusing on that stuff; sure, it is something to b*tch about, something to gossip about, etc., but does it create any positive results? No, it only keeps you in a negative spiral. Its time to get off the negative merry-go-round! You are the one and only person who can create positive change in your life, start today, right now. I urge you to read Dr. Phils book, Self Matters, because it will be very helpful to you. I wish you the best, dont give your sister the satisfaction of knowing that she is p*ssing you off!

My family is wonderful in all our imperfections. There is a long history that I won't go into now. A summary would be that I have a large, close family. I am the eldest child. My Mother had my sister when I was 8 and my brother when I was 4. My brother committed suicide at the age of 14, for reasons still unknown to us all. My sister is a vacant absence in life, preferring to float in an imitation bubble, than to connect with real life. She has two sons. She is only raising one. My mother is the caregiver for the youngest child. I myself have two pre-teen daughters, filled with all of the bitter angst that comes with teens. I was diagnosed bi-polar several years ago, and have, at least somewhat, learned to manage it. I do not suffer long bouts of suicidal depression any more, nor have rapidly irritating bouts of mania. I have learned to function very well, and on my own. My husband of 13 years has moved out. I asked for a divorce. My life is fairly normal most days.

My sadness comes from hearing the news that my step-father has been diagnosed with more cancer. He has already battled three rounds in two years. At the onset of the last regimen of chemo, My grandmother was also diagnosed. They went through treatments together. All of this took place under the same rook where my Mother holds a very successful fulltime career in advertising while managing a home, and her youngest grandchild, now finishing Kindergarten.

My mother has already lost a child, one husband, and now faces losing both her spouse and her mother at the same time. I am her only shoulder to cry on. I would trade my thin shoulders for her strong ones with which she has to bear the weight of the world upon. Three years ago, I went through treatment for cancer, and survived with only a 30% return rate. That's good news in cancer world. My mother is a believer that God hands us things we can bear and that there are trials we must face. I wonder why she has been given so very many in her lifetime. She had a difficult childhood, growing up in a small town where everyone knew her father as the town drunk, her mother being the first woman to hold down the sole job in the family, even when the country was not at war. She had a difficult first marriage, a lengthy and complicated second marriage, and while juggling a stressful career, she still managed to make it to every single girl scout meeting, PTA meeting (She was the president) and never missed a baseball practice.

My mother has been loyal and devoted to her family all of her life. She struggled and pushed against all obstacles to raise us above poverty, and to instill in us a sense of respect and morality. My brother committed suicide, and I thought the grief would kill her too. Yet she persevered, because she still had two daughters. Her youngest child has disappointed even the lowest expectations, but she still loves her firmly and deeply. I was never a fun person to raise. Bi-polar doesn't even begin to describe how difficult I was throughout my life. Cancer was probably the best thing to ever happen to me, as it gave me a much needed wake up call on life.

So, of all the people in the world....why her? Why is this burden hers alone to carry? To have two terminally ill loved ones in her home 24 hours a day, living with the knowledge that either one or both of them will not see the next Christmas. To say it is overwhelming is an abundant understatement. How do help ease her burden? Can it be eased? Should I pack up my kids and move across state lines and just be there with her? She tells me it is enough that I am here to listen. But my heart is breaking into a million pieces knowing that every day she wakes up knowing what she must face, and yet, she never sheds a single tear in front of them, so that they will not be frightened of what is to come. She has battled with them for three years total now. Cancer is becoming an epidemic in my family and she worries what will happen if she becomes ill and cannot pay for their medical bills and drive them to the doctors.

I started this thinking I would describe all of the ways my little imperfect family is dysfunctional in all the right ways that makes us a family. Right now, though, I feel as if my mother's strength is the only glue that has kept me here. And for everything I would do for her, the unfortunate truth for me is that there is nothing I can do for her. 

You said in your last sentence that there is nothing you can do for her. Your mother said it herself...you're there for her to talk to. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it isn't. If you can talk to her honestly, tell her you WANT to do something, but you're reliant upon her to tell you what it is that you can do. Even if it's to help pay for someone to come in and clean house for your mother, cook some meals, etc...to help to ease the household burden while she cares for the loved ones.

Your mother sounds like one helluva woman, and you sound like a loving and caring daughter. You recognize and appreciate all that your mother's given over the years to everyone. It's only natural that you want to give something back. But unless she TELLS you what it is that you can do, you're going to have to take her at her word that a phone call is enough. Unless maybe you could visit on the weekends to give her a much-needed break? Maybe you could contact the American Cancer Society, and ask if there is any assistance to be had for your mother. Maybe they have volunteers, etc. that can help out with the transportation, etc. with the loved ones.

Good luck...I lost my mother when I was 12 to cancer. She was only 46. Your mother is a remarkable woman, and she needs to know that...though I betcha she doesn't think of herself that way. My prayers are with you and your family.....

 Your probably going to report me for this, but so be it.. it must be said.   In one sentence you summed up the whole mess.   

 You start with "children locking parents out of the grand-children’s’ lives"   

but then you BLAME GAME your divorce. Call your husband a rapist. nice.  

   You prattle on about all these medical issues-- (Focus on the self, not the problem with why your not an active grandmother)  then you complain about your daughter adding---  

 She has a Cinema degree now and is in Law school… but she won’t talk to me blaming me for things I cannot acknowledge.   

  What does Dr Phil always say on his show ?  "You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge".  Then you add in..  

"and a child on a grammna lap listening to a story and looking at his father and what he did as a kid turning the pages on the photo album!   

   So you don't see your son's kids either?  

       My mom-- when I try to talk to her about some of the things she did to me as a kid- The beatings, the neglect, the favortism between my sister and I, the destruction, her games-  My mother will laugh self conciously and will say "Where did you get that ? What an imagination"...   

and she does not see my children either.  She's so desperate, she tried to go behind my back and use my child's father to bring him to her during his visitations.  I called her a LOW RENT C**T for that one.  She's very "Jerry Springer"...  

She's running scared, and so long as she does not acknowledge what she did to me-- and what you did to your daughter--then your relationships will float along as they are, and that is YOUR Choice.  

   So long as you do not take SELF RESPONSIBILITY and Accountability for your actions- your choices, then we who were children when you had all the power-- take that power away from you by refusing to talk to you and allow you to harm our children by allowing you to see them.  Your head games don't stop with us, and we know that.   

 There is a reason you don't see your grandchildren, and until you face up to what YOU did- without the blaming of your husband, using your medical issues, medications, whatever you want to blame-  

  Until you take accountability and acknowledge your bad choices, you leave us-- your kids no choice. We cannot allow you to harm our children as you harmed us, so we cannot let you see our kids, and You never will.   I don't know who will be choosing your nursing home, but woe unto you, and my own mother as well.