Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

My brother does not want to have a relationship with me for the following reasons, according to my oldest daughter:

My X was a loser.

I have a mental illness.

The fact that I put my child up for adoption when she was two years old.

The rest of my family is dwelling on this.

Long before these things happened, I was the black sheep.

A family should be loving (unconditionally), functional and supportive.

What right do they have to judge me when they don't know what happened?

I really would appreciate it if my brother told me himself instead of hearing it second-hand.

People tell me it is his loss.

My oldest daughter said he is too controlling and selfish.

She also said that his absence would be a blessing because of the fact that he is not supportive in any way.

In reference to the mental illness: I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from an abusive childhood and marriage.

He went to Vietnam years ago. I understand that this also is PTSD. He must be in denial.

This is a mental health issue called mental illness.

I just wanted to air this out and get if off my chest.

Thanks

Was your brother contributing to your life in a possitive manner?  It doesn't sound like it.  Then good ridence.  We don't need negative people in our lives.  They can be toxic.  It's about the relationship not the blood connection.  In a dream world we would click with everyone and especially we want to be at peace with relatives. However, If they are not good for our mental or physical health then that is a deal breaker.  Just let him go!  Whatever.  He can be replaced with more joyful positive people who give encouragement and hope for the future instead focusing on the past.  I hope you find good mental health when and where you can!

I have three children two girls and a boy, but the oldest who is 21 has been seeing a guy now for a couple of months.  The problem is everytime I try to take an interest she closes up and goes to her room.  This is my daughters first boyfriend and I just want to be there for her.  This is the first time I have had to deal with one of them getting a boyfriend or girlfriend and I have no clue what I am doing.

Everytime he comes round they go straight to her bedroom, I dont mind as I know that she doesn't want her younger sister hanging around as she hates it when she does it when her friends are around.  I'm worried about what is going on as I dont want her to do anything with out thinking about it or end up in trouble.  I started worring about her when her dad came home from work as he had forgotten his work and he saw them in the living room.  Lets just say my husband saw more of her boyfriend then he wanted to.  I dont think she knows that her father saw her but now i am worried about wha is going on especially when shes on her own with him.

I just would like her to know that I'm not going to try to break them up, but would like her to know that i'm here for her.  How can i get her to open up and not clam up everytime i mention the boyfriend word. 

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like your daughter only wants to hear how wonderful she is and that she will be great at anything; she doesn’t want to hear the truth, even if the truth is just a simple fact such as a job is hiring people with experience. From what you have described, your daughter sounds very immature. She is cutting you off- punishing you and her children, because she is too immature and selfish to simply talk about whatever issue she has with you and to resolve it.

Do you think that perhaps she doesn’t know how to resolve an issue/disagreement? She only knows how to be angry and cut people out of her life?

My advice to you is this: I know it hurts to receive those nasty messages, so whenever you receive one, try not to allow the words to hurt you. I know that is difficult. I encourage you to write a short note to her saying something like, “I’m sorry I offended you, I truly didn’t mean to. I miss you and the children very much, please call anytime…” The key is to keep the note short and sweet; don’t explain yourself, don’t answer to any of the nasty messages that she has left for you. Send the note by mail. If you don’t hear from her within one month, do it again- send another note. Keep doing that once a month, because there is a good chance that one of your notes will be received on a day when she is feeling a soft spot in her heart for you. It is very sad that you have to tolerate her abuse but your precious grandchildren deserve to have you in their life. Don’t give up, keep trying!

No you aren’t the only one who sees a big problem here!!

Your sister’s husband is in jail for molesting the children, are the children receiving any counseling? Those girls need and deserve to have professional help. Without it, they will grow up thinking that they did something to deserve what their father did to them. Their mother is very self-absorbed and she isn’t looking out for their best interests, that is why you should consider getting involved. Do you live nearby? Do you have a good relationship with your sister? Is it possible for you to sit down and have a rational talk with her about the life-long consequences her precious children are going to suffer because of what happened to them? If it is possible, I urge you to remain calm and rational while talking to her, and remain on topic. Don’t allow her to change the topic to something else when the subject gets tough for her. She will try to do that so that she doesn’t have to deal with these serious issues.

The reason she had her tubes untied and wants to have more children is so that she will have distractions in her life, so that she won’t have to deal with the issues that she has created. She sounds so self absorbed and immature.

My advice to you is to reach out to your nieces. Develop a life-long bond with them by showing them compassion, let them know that you love them and that you want to see them live happy, productive lives. Encourage them in activities that they are good in, be their soft place to fall.