Topic : The Meaning of "Family"

she keeps  sending me bad messages saying not to bother her and leave ger alone or she will put a no contact order on me, and i will have to pay for it,but i will keep trying, i did send the oldest grandson a gift card for his birthday but that was in may, i had to send 2 cards for fear she would throw one away,i had a friend address one of them so she wouldnt know the writing, i am planning on sending both boys a gift card for something new from me for summer fun   i really miss those boys. the 9 year old is a hugger he wants hugs all the time,and he constantly tells me  ( grandma i love you,0 i may hear it 20 times a day or more the other boys is also sweet if i fix them something  to eat he will say grandma your the best grandma  and they both like for me to read to them ,i will try  more ,and yes this has hurt so much not to see them it has raised my blood pressure so much the dr. put me on 3 pills  a day  i hate taking meds. but i take them. thank you

i am sorry you are going thru this,i to had a drug addicted mother ,she was married to a dr. for20 years,she kept every one up set ,u used to have nightmares about it ,she is still alive and off the drugs, only because the dr she married dies of old age. she had to go to the hospital and they gave her a narcotic, and she was very hard to be around for a long time,dont turn your back on her she needs you and any support you can give her,if she gets in a gets off the drugs, she has something  bothering her  to make her  want to do the drugs,she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with anyone else,once this happens she may be able to  go all the way and get her life cleaned up,and then she needs to be there for you. just dont turn in her direction and do drugs,i made that promise to myself when i seen my stepdad give mom shots to dope her up.  good luck  my prayers are with you.   penny

one i would not allow a boyfriend in the bedroom,thats wrong i dont care what age, if they are under your roof, dont be to passive, you will have a granbaby to soon, and i dont think  your daughter is ready for that yet, even though she is 21, the reason  i believe that is you said it was her first boyfriend,,think abouty how your mom would do. stick with that,my mom was very strict.  any way good luck have them come out and play cards  and have popcorn and cold beverages, or some snacks. i believe if you aare careful you will not push her away and still be able to be close to her.

 I honestly told her, "I believe you need to take your girls to get some form of counseling". for although they may look or act normal, like nothing ever happened,, DOES not mean that every thing is ok. BUT she said she will just have the dad locked up, and that was it. What hurt me, or shocked me even more was.. That the SAME day he moved out, she moved her new boyfriend in. I was like "sis, you need to be trying to help your girls, AND stay out of ANY form of relationship with boyfriends". Your girls need you, and they see you out with new guys and moving them in. They might end up doing same and EVEN worst? They are going to act and feel or think that is is OK for any guy to do as he wants with them. She just said,, "they are ok now"..  She lives across town from me, I try to see her and call her, but even that, she avoids me. I did get to see my nieces, and I spoke with them. I re-assured them that Uncle Shelter is there for them NO MATTER what. All they have to do is call me, and do not ever think they did anything wrong. Speaking out, was the BRAVEST thing they could of done, and I am proud of them. It has ben more than a month now, I have not seen them. My sister tries to avoid the world. HECK, the day after she found out the girls were touched, she tried to LEAVE them at MY house, BECAUSE she and her new boyfriend were going on another vacation for 3 days.. I was like sis, you can leave them here, BUT I do not feel or think it is right for you NOT to be here as well. I personally think it is HER that needs more help then the girls. She acts as if its already a dead issue. But I do not kow what else or more I can do  

 I am hoping I get feedback from this.  My son passed away the first part of this year.  He had been drinking at a friends apartment and the friend got tired and went to bed.  My son lit a cigarette and fell asleep on the couch and the obvious happened.  The burns went from his neck on down past his genitals, down both arms and hands.  They were third degree and worse.  I was home with a very bad case of the flu when I got the call from my daughter in tears.  Since he was not married I was the one that had to give permission for all of his medical care.  I could not go to see him because of having the flu which got worse from the stress.  It was on a Friday 3 weeks after being in the hospital and having 2 skin graft surgeries that he took a turn for the worse and passed away.  I was just getting well enough to go see him when this happened.  He was kept in a comatose state for the duration because he kept fighting the tubes so they told me he would not have known I was there but I wish I could have gone to see him none the less but  his Doctors advised against it.  During this time I received a card from my brother and his wife.  One that is supposed to cheer you up and let you know that they care.  They live half hour from me.  Their son and their daughter and her husband  live a half hour from me, in different areas.  I did not get a phone call or a card from either.  I am very good to these kids and my brother and sister-in-law as far as gifts etc.  We get together for holidays and get along great.  But there was no phone call and there was no card.  My daughter brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her company she works for because she felt so bad that not one person in our family acknowledged my son's, her brother's death.  A birthday party for the son and daughter of my brother and his wife was already scheduled for the following Sunday after my son's death and they decided to go on with it.  I did not go.  My daughter did and not one word of condolence was said to her until they were ready to leave the party and my niece's husband said how sorry he was about her brother.  Not one hug, not one word from these people who call themselves family.  I had lost a son but my daughter had lost the only brother she had and that has got to be a very lonely feeling.  My son and I were not that close and he did not have much to do with the family but regardless, he was still my son and whether they liked him or knew him well, they know me and they know my daughter.  My aunt from Idaho called and I just blubbered the whole time on the phone with her and told her how great it was to hear from a family member and complained to her about the family that lives a half hour from me.  She called me back a week later to see if I was doing ok and I thanked her again and told her how wonderful it was that she called and that I was doing better.  My uncle in Las Vegas e-mailed me back and his son who also lives there who we never hear from sent me e-mails every day to see how I was and also e-mailed my daughter the same,  but not one phone call, not one e-mail, not one word from the family that lives a half hour from me.  I cannot describe the feeling that comes over you when you have gone thru life thinking you are important to certain people and the rug so to speak gets pulled out from underneath you.  It hurts and I mean it hurts badly, it is devastating, it is a lonely feeling, and I wish it on no one.  I actually think I was in shock and maybe still am.  If that had happened to this brother and his wife or if their children had their own children, and I had heared that they had lost a child I would have been at their house in a heart beat to do whatever, make coffee, pray with them, be silent, talk, or just leave them alone, whatever they needed they would have.  Don't take that the wrong way, I am not better than anyone else, I am just built that way.  I had made this niece a set of placemats for her birthday and I finally got them over to my brother and his wife because my niece and her husband work odd hours and I never heard back from the niece for weeks and weeks.  In fact, she just called 3 days ago to thank me for them and I could hardly talk to her and made an excuse that I had to go.  My sister-in-law always does the Easter dinner and I told my daughter that I could not be around these people.  So her husbands family extended an invitation to us and we not only had a lovely dinner but also a birthday party for my daughter with cake and gifts.  She did get a card from my brother and his wife but not a phone call, not one e-mail, not one card from the cousins  who live a half hour from them but she took the time to go to their birthday party after he brother passed away the week before.  Now this Sunday they want to celebrate Father's Day, a week later than the actual Father's Day and my birthday.  You see, I do July 4th.  We each host a holiday so that no one person in the "family" does it all.  I cancelled July 4th which is when they would bring me my birthday gifts.  I can't believe these people would even think I would want to celebrate my birthday when half of them ignored my daughter's.  I don't want to see these people.  I am not going.  Something I did not mention.  When my daughter called my brother to let him know about the memorial for my son my brother did not even give his wife the message and I get an e-mail from her wanting to know when the memorial is!  You see, my son was gay.  No, that is not why we were not close.  He had had the same significant other for 10 years.  The memorial was held in a pub where he and his friends would gather.  It was a great memorial.  I got so many hugs and met so many nice people.  I have never been treated so graciously.  The more I cried, the more they held me.  I had always wished that my son had done more with the "family" but it was that day that I realized he had done lots with family.  His family.  The people who accepted him and loved him for who and what he was and a mother can not ask any more than that for her son.  He had had a blast!  I am only guessing that that is the reason my brother did not share the information about the memorial with his wife.  The feedback I am hoping to get from any of you who have so kindly read this is what your feelings would be toward this "family".   I know eventually I will have to get over this hurt that has left me - gees, I can't find a word for it.  But I am hurt more than angry.  And why haven't I confronted them?  I don't know, I just don't know.  I really could use your help.  Thanks.  Oh, just thought of one more comment.  The son of my brother and his wife is very much a christian.  He even has 2 other men in the church that he sings with as a trio.  They even make CDs for the holidays.  But I did not receive one phone call, or one e-mail, or one card, or a visit to sit and pray with me from this nephew, who lives a half hour from me. 

At the time, you did the only thing you knew to do....keep your mouth shut. I can understand. All the silence did was delay the inevitable, since I have a hunch that the family's reaction would have been much the same as it was when you finally did speak out.

I'm sorry this has happened to you...If I were you, I'd run...not walk...to the nearest counselor that specilizes in rape. They can help you deal with the emotions you're having, and the fact that your own family has betrayed you.

Your husband did nothing wrong. It's highly likely he's felt like punching the guy in the mouth ever since he found out about it. That's a perfectly normal reaction when someone is hurt in such a way. Can you imagine the tension in the room if your husband HAD attended the family functions?

So your family just expects you to put up and shut up, right? WRONG. Please seek out help for this...an experienced rape counselor can certainly help you, and good luck.....

with whats been going on lately between my husband and daughter i feel myself slipping into depression, like standing in quicksand. (i have a diary on here if u want to know more details) i feel myself stepping outside of myself. i want to protect my daughter but am not allowed to. i am making a plan to move without him knowing it, trying to save money behind his back so we can just go and not look back. if i was like half these women around i would have put my foot up is a** and say its my way or the highway. he says my daughter is looking to get raped and hopes she does in the brutallist way....how horrible for a man who has spent the last 11 yrs raising this gilr to say!!  hes like 'im emotionally distubed i can switch the way i feel without thinking about it and not give a s**t about who i am hurting'    i think he uses this as an excuse to act like he does. i feel helpless  hopeless  lifeless  scared pushed into a corner.  i want to cry all the time and if i start he says its all an act looking for pity 'aww poor me' he says...i have noone to talk to   nowhere to turn which makes this all the more worse.  he says i overreact  yeah right  if i did this to his daughter it would be like i was committing a mortal sin!!  full of double standards.....anybody that can help me PLEASE????

I just woke up from a bad dream that actually made me wake up in tears..

I'm just wondering if it was the right thing to tell my mom about it. It was about her and she had colon cancer in the dream.

Now we just recently found out that my aunt Aline has breast cancer and I'm just wondering if anyone might think that it was just a dream in response to the news about my aunt.

Or do you think it was the right feeling I got when I woke up to tell my mother about it and request she get checked out?

I understand that "dreams are dreams, don't mean anything." I just got really scared when I woke up because in my dream my mother passed away. And when I woke up I felt lost and heart broken. I realized how much it would hurt without my mother. And it was just a dream that made me feel that!!! ~ scary.

I would appreciate it if you could read a message posted on June l6th entitled "principles".  I know it is a long message but some really good advice is needed even if certain occassions in the message have come and gone.  I know it is a big favor to ask but I would be so grateful.  Thank you.

 I'm so sorry for your loss and your seemingly insensitive family members. I wouldn't know where to start  in providing  any advice as there appear to be so many things going on.
All I can do is wish you well and hope someone on these Boards can relate to what you are going through.
Best regards.