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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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December 31, 2008, 5:58 am CST

Toxic Sister and Mother

  I wanted to share with everyone, that I am finally changing a long old pattern of abuse towards me.

My Mother is an adult child of an alcoholic.  She was prone to extreme highs and lows, while I was growing up.  My Sister was always abusive towards me and my mother never seemed to hear or notice.  Now that I am 45 years old, I am changing their behavior.  I can't believe it!  I am excited about my future, now.

  Recently my 18 year old daughter told me how my sister strongly recommended she read "Daughters of Narcissistic mothers".  Well, I was very hurt and shocked that my sister would engage in this behavior. (Especially since she and my mother are always blaming me for why we don't get along better".  So, this Christmas I didn't invite my sister and her husband.  I knew my mother would be furious (Because she has made me invite them to my house the last 5 Christmases, even though they are rude and obnoxious), so I invited everyone at the same time( except my sister and her husband), Christmas Day. My friends were there, my husband's family was there.  Everything went beautifully, until my parents needed to leave.  They have many physical problems, so I offered to carry their things to their car.  Once my mother had me outside, alone, she grabbed my arm and inquired as to "Where is your daughter, Kirsten?"  I told her calmly that Kirsten didn't want to attend Christmas with me, since my sister had called and chewed her out for letting me found out about the narcissism comment.  But, I had practived this moment.  I was only going to be positive.  I said, "Mom, that is okay. Everything is okay.  All of my relationships are better now."  Then, my mother raised her voice and I started walking for the front door as she screamed at me, "Do you know why all your relationships are better?  Do you know why???  It is because your sister has made them that way!"

I went into my house and closed the front door.  My mother was still outside screaming.

2 days later, my mother left the nicest apology on my answering machine.  That has never happened before.  I can hardly believe it.  I do feel like I am finally coming into my own personal power, at last!

If only I had started earlier.

 
January 8, 2009, 7:53 am CST

Last Stand

I am in a 12 year relationship that is in jepordy of failure with days.  We have been in and out of counseling for 6 years and my mate has never truely bought into the process I realize now.  We are having unhealthy and toxic arguments about every 2 to 4 weeks with a fairly peaceful lul in between.  There is no physical abuse but plenty of mental abuse.  Our biggest problems stem from her lack of engagment in our family and the process of healing the pain that we are both responsible for.  I must disclose that I have been guilty of this in the past but that i have been making a very strong effort to "get my head straight."   After two days of trying to negotiate an end to the current crisis, (to which she has responded with unabashed nastiness) I have just sent her an email stating that she must engage with me and the kids... that she must negotiate ground rules with me for ongoing discussions about what we can do to improve our situation...that she must continue to negotiate and discuss with me with a focus toward healing our relationship and family until we are both satisfied...that she must be emotionally available to myself and our children.  or that she must remove herself from the situation.  I love her very much but this is very mch like watching someone you love drown and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it.  I don't know why I posted. I guess that I am hoping for some guidence or support from others who have been down this road.

 


 

 
January 9, 2009, 5:21 pm CST

Is she depressed?

Quote From: rmcswain

I am in a 12 year relationship that is in jepordy of failure with days.  We have been in and out of counseling for 6 years and my mate has never truely bought into the process I realize now.  We are having unhealthy and toxic arguments about every 2 to 4 weeks with a fairly peaceful lul in between.  There is no physical abuse but plenty of mental abuse.  Our biggest problems stem from her lack of engagment in our family and the process of healing the pain that we are both responsible for.  I must disclose that I have been guilty of this in the past but that i have been making a very strong effort to "get my head straight."   After two days of trying to negotiate an end to the current crisis, (to which she has responded with unabashed nastiness) I have just sent her an email stating that she must engage with me and the kids... that she must negotiate ground rules with me for ongoing discussions about what we can do to improve our situation...that she must continue to negotiate and discuss with me with a focus toward healing our relationship and family until we are both satisfied...that she must be emotionally available to myself and our children.  or that she must remove herself from the situation.  I love her very much but this is very mch like watching someone you love drown and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it.  I don't know why I posted. I guess that I am hoping for some guidence or support from others who have been down this road.

 


 

Could it be that she may suffer from some sort of depression?  I ask this because you mention that she has disengaged herself fom family activities which implies that she'd rather be alone than to be around her family. 

Healing a relationship can be overwhelming.  Most need to take a real hard look at themselves and admit their character defects and start working on fixing themselves before they can even begin to fix a relationship. She may not even know where to start or has emotionally left this relationship and just forgot to tell you.

The best advice I can give you is to not give ultimatiums but to find out if she even wants to be in this relationship anymore.  If she does, ask her the reasons why and start building a foundation from there.  You may ask her to see a therapist on her own if she is confused with her feelings.  I agree that for the sake of the children, she's got to be an emotionally available mother to them 100% of the time not just when she feels like it as that is just too confusing for the kids. 

I'm still questioning to myself whether she may have underlying depression which is causing her to disengage herself from her own kids.  Thoughts? 

 
January 11, 2009, 8:32 am CST

lonliness stinks!

Quote From: kreative

I have been going to write you for years, and the time has come!  I have jut given up on life.  I know I'm too old to start a new life, but maybe this might help someone else.

I have a selfish brother and an angry twin sister.  All my life my parents never showed me any love along with my twin sister.  I have had one hell of a life.  At the age of 10 (approx.) my father started molesting me and my sister.  It carried on until I was 17 1/2 years old.  I went to the police in my city and reported it.  That evening my mother and father made me phone the police and said I made up the story. That is how I found out how women get pregnant - the police told me!  My sistter and I were used to do all the work at home, where my brother was allowed to play.  We never could have a friend or celebrate birthdays.  My parents NEVER acknowledged our birthdays ever.  Even when I turned 50, I was at their house, and they didn't even remember it was my birthday.  However, when mom showed pictures, there were all the piictures of my brothers birthday pictures.

Back to the sex abuse etc.  My father used to pay us $2.00 to go to bed and have intercourse, while my mother was sitting downstairs right underneath us.  She was well aware of what was happening.  We were strapped naked pretty well every night until I was 18 and moved out.  It didn't matter if we had our period or not, they made me take of my clothes to strap.  Whenever I had to buy Kotex, I remember my father saying to my brother "guess the pussy is sick as she's laying in a hammock". Then they would sit and laugh.  So many nights I'd cry myself to sleep as I heard my parents saying I would turn out to be a tramp. whore and nothing but trash!

When my sister and I finally was allowed at the age of 17 was allowed to go to the school dance (under 5 times), when we got home at 11:00pm, they had the doors locked.  We have slept in fields, train stations etc.  We lived in fear all through life.

The last time I saw my mother, she asked what I wanted from the estate.  I said that all I wanted was for her to say that she loved me.  Well, all Hell broke loose.  She phoned my brother and he came over and ordered me out of her house at 10:30 that night.  I lived 200 miles away and didn't have my car there.

I left the most wonderful man because I could not stand him touching me.  I worked all my life and was a successfull bookkeeper with well known Companies.  After I left my Husband, I kept buying and selling houses as my mother always found something wrong with them.  Every year for over 20 years, I had one week's holiday in the summer, and my mother came to my place and I had to take her shopping in the States.  I always treated her as if nothing was wrong.  I always went out of my way to do what she wanted.

I strived to get acceptance and a feeling of self worth from her.

I guess I could write a book, but I'll make it as short as possible.

It was verified what she thought of us when she passed on.  She left everything to my brother - house, car etc, around 500,000.00.  Meanwhile he was given money all along and he is a millionaire himself, while my sister and I are both living on pension and living in subsidized housing. I went so far in debt trying to get my mother's approval, it ended up I lost everything.  Now I am disabled and can't sit or walk for more than half an hour.  I e-mailled my brother and asked if I could possibly borrow 3,000.00 for back decompression treatment, and he returned my e-mail marked "SPAM". 

So after working so very hard I never took time out to make friends or have a social life.  I am 67 years old sitting in a small apt. with NOBODY to wish me a Merry Christmas again.  I just can't take much more of this personal physical and emotional pain.  I don't even get dressed anymore as nobody knows I exist.  Every year at Christmas, I tell myself I can't take anymore of this life.  I think back of the life I have been given.  No, don't say I have to help myself.  I have been to many therapists, but nothing can erase my memories.  The loliness is more than I can take..  I can't afford to go out anywhere anyways. 

So if any girl is going through any type of abuse, don't sit and live in fear of speaking out to someone!  God gave us life - live it.  If your parents abuse you, they are the ones that have to suffer - NOT YOU.  It's going to be a difficult decision, but when you read about how I ended up, all alone, you will be making the right choice.

I wish everyone all the best of the "Season" and God bless you.  If you have the time, a Christmas Card to open would be wonderfull, knowing that there is someone out there that cares for me.

 four of my biggest fears are: burning up in flames, loosing everything I own,going blind, and worse of all, ending up all alone with no one to care! I have lost all of my extended family except my mom, i have lost alot of my childrens communications(I have11 children and only 5 of them will communicate with me,  only 3 of them live near me,one lives with me.) I am extreemly grateful for any relationships I have! my mom had 5 children and I am the only one who will talk to her! unfortunately I cant even live in the same state as her!(we would do it differently, but her husband cant stand me, mainly I think because I cant tolerate men other than a husband or son touching me, and my step-dad LOVES to touch females alll the time!!) but I am very sorry you are all alone, thank God for the internet, where even if a person is lonely, we don't have to go unheard, or even uninvolved! I love being in touch with other people (even though I have a very hard time socially )this way I can talk to people, give my comments (hopefully they are positive and helpful in any way possible!) and matter some way or another. it is at least alot better than dead silence and a tv with no interaction! I hate being alone for any t8ime at all so I am very grateful any time I get with any of my family, cause I have NO friends in this world except for on the computer. God bless!
 
January 11, 2009, 9:15 am CST

bitchy

Quote From: jaimie1974

OMG she is 38 & still acting like a child? Im sure that you are familiar with one of Dr. Phils famous quotes: You teach people how to treat you. From what youve described, it sounds like she acts this way because she can. She doesnt show any respect or gratitude towards you because she never has & you still do whatever she wants you to do for her. My advice is going to be difficult to take, but you need to stop bowing down to her. She isnt a queen. She is a disrespectful grown woman. Her behavior is disgusting! Im sure that you & her siblings are totally sick of it, so now it is time to make a decision; either continue to tolerate her behavior but complain about it, or take action to protect yourself from her & her behavior. I think it is absolutely time to stop indulging this woman, time to stop allowing her to disrespect you. You deserve so much more & you need to believe that! I wish you the best!
yes, I have seen this before, I havea daughter who from a very early age effected people negatively and she only got worse over the years, I knew that she had been molested as a child and tried to get her help and have empathy for her, but my making excuses for her and trying to shield her, andget teachers to understand how to deal with her did not help in any way, now, she is 27 and she is less radical than she used to be. she also now  has a clean record legally.  she is displaying sweet qualities at times, but is still very angry! now that we dont live real close she seems to appreciate us alot more now as well. I must admit I do miss her an awful lot, but not all of the fights that used to occur though! it is amazing how a mother feels about her children I have a son in prison now, I am not ashamed, I did not do what he did to get there, but I ache for the loss of being able to  see him someday, I wont think like I will never get to see him again, and just think that maybe life will change and maybe it will happen someday in the future.but you do need to compartemtalize your feelings somehow(or at least the visabilityness of your feelings) so that you can "teach her how to treat you!" you must stand for something or you will fall for anything! 
 
January 11, 2009, 10:23 am CST

boundries

I have a question I was raised to not have good boundries, I was also raised to forgive and forget and to give people the benifit of the doubt but I have come upon a problemI have a daughter she was molested as a child and even though I got her help numerous times while she was growing up, it was not enough. she is 26 and has a boyfriend who is using her he is almost 50 and has 5 children, my daughter has a little daughter who is 2. this boyfriend and my daughter moved iinto our 1,000 sq ft. apt that my two other adult children and I and my grandson were sharing. I had the "suite" they took over my suite and I couldnt even take a shower every day because the boyufriend is so intimidating and manipulative that I coudnt even use my bathroom for a couple of days at a time, so finally after a whole lot of crap and 40 days they got their own place. we had 13 people in and out of our house during the holidays, this "visit" from my daughters boyfriend and her and not only were we feeding everyone, supplying internet, tv, etc, we were also babysitting my granddaughter from 6am till 1030 pm every day, that it drove me nuts, so over a 2 mo. period of time we agreed in desperation to take oon a "friend " of another of my daughters to be a roomate and move into a very big house (I knew that we could afford it on our own if the roomate moved out ) I just didnt count on him being a total liar and user, cause he never paid rent, nor kept any of his promises. but one thing I did get from him was the way this boyfriend was inappropriate! (another important issue was that our relationships were deteriating with this daughter because this man pushed the issue of being alone with my daughter(who lived with my son and myself)s son(he was only 2) . when we finally said that there was NO way he would be alone with my grandson, he said fine I will not be alone with (the daughter that is his girlfriends daughter) the decision was based on funny feelings as well as the fact that we could tell that this man is controlling her to the point of her not able to make decisions which would only make sense if you werent being manipulated and forced regarding her daughter and he was screaming two different times and cussing at my daughter with the baby right there and if he will do that and she wont stop it how do we think she will if the grandson  is there?  by us moving into this big house it got us out of the toxic situation we were getting into with this daughter 6 days a week and those many hours a week silly so the move forced her to decide to board her daughter with us. she would pick her up on fri pms and deliver her on sun. pms worked good til she came on a fri. pm and said goodbye, they were moving in with a sister in another state.not only that but that week, they had quit their jobs before they dropped off my granddaughter and went to yosimite park for a week while I watched the daughter while I thought they were at work. because the agreement we had was that I would babysit for free UNTIL she could pay me what she could afford to help them get set up and all. I had to put on christmas for more people and pay for a whole wardrobe for the granddaughter because the daughter put the designer crib and all the expensive clothes boughten for her at the curb . my son,daughter, and I could afford how we were living but do not have a car yet, and by making the move, and the guy taking us for a ride, I lost 50 lbs just going without eating 3 days at a time to make sure there was enough food for my two grandchildren,cause there is no way a child will not eat! this  daughter would drop off a gallon of milk an individual package of instant oatmeal and dated, already gone bad food for her daughter so what littel she brought for her daughter for the week by far did not cover her needs and she knew what we did not have. they even paid for a tour in yosimite that they cound not go on because thye got in a fight with someone there! they paid 250,oo dollars for this tour! now, a thrid daughter took me on a trip(I rarely leave the house, I have ocd real bad and complications, but they needed me to go and I am the only daycare for my now3+ yr old grandson and they insisted they wanted him to go , so I had to go! I was scared, but excited. first off, I got very sick before we left. very bad cold coughing, fever, chills, the whole nine yards, the whole trip. my daughter of the grandson made it clear that he was NOT to see this male person! the daughter I was with agreed even though she does not like to have issues, she would rather err on the side that let it go letlthe two see each other etc, rather than honor her sisters mother decision, she went along and I went along to make sure! so we get there and  all hell has broken out it ended up I felt very put upon by all and did not appreciate being challenged and I sure as you know what did not appreciate being put down by three adults when i had been regulated to the back seat for 4 days and only got a third of the seat and found out afterwards that my daughters fiancee refused to let me have half of the seat (the car seat was put in the middle with me between the door and the car seat. and the two people in front smoked a cigerette every half hour to hour with ice cold air blowing in on us and we had to cover up with blankets etc. I hate being a complainer but being so sick and all and having all that happened on the trip and doing the trip to ensure this visit  with the sister went well and to make sure that my daughters fiancee got to go to his grandmothers funerwsl(I never got to go to any of my grandparents funerals and my only grandma surviving I dont have a way yet of even getting to talk with her so I felt it was worth the effort to go beyond my comfort zone and put out money I couldnt affford just to do this for them, and then to not only be unappreciated for it, but to be criticized for it and now to get the cold shoulder from the fiancee??  nthe worse, though is that I had a break down when we left L.A. all I could do is hide under the blanket and cry. I cried for hours, I am still not sure what all happened or in what sequence, but  I felt my daughter driving was mad at me, she started playing the song by reba, I never stray too far from the sidewalk and felt she was singing it (two times in a row) AT me and all I could do was cry MORE we stopped and got gas I climbed out fromunder the blanket to pay and didnt brush my hair or anything why aouldI I didint care, just paid and gotback in w/in a few minutes, her fiancee started yelling at me why would you hurt her?? I WOULD NEVER HURT HER!!!   at the gas station with him seeing somehow, she took the cute little buck knife my son and I got her for christmas and cut herslf real bad!, now its brought me back to emailing dr. phil, even though I had given up hope, but now he has these message boards and I think they are wonderful! I know peolpe say that when you experience something they say someones been there well, I guess because I had had sooooo many things happen to me from an early age, I didnt quite believe it , now I do, because even though most people dont have sooo many things happen to them,there are people who have had these things happen to them just not all at once , or so many, I know that I dont have it as bad as some people have I do have wonderful children (all adults now) and we live in america,I even have wonderful grandchildren, and a mom I love (thoughI wish I could see her once in awhile. I guess what I am asking is how do you know when to stand for what you believe in is worth all the battle from the others? isnt it when it could be or would be harmful to one of the little ones?? how do you knowyou the dangerous men are?? I have stopped even being interested in the idea of a partnew, because having someone to love me, or hold me is NEVER ljworth the love and respect I get from my family who I consider the people who live with, or near me, or at least communicate with me! it used to be my relatives, but after wasting so many years sweating tears over the loss of whom I loved (weeither they ever truely loved me or not??) I will still love my aunts and uncles, etc. I just am trying not to keep grieving for them.same with my sisters out there,all 3
 
February 5, 2009, 5:23 am CST

adult siblings of molestation

Over forty years ago I caught my siblings having all out sex in a bedroom of our home while my parents were at work.  My oldest brother and my youngest sister shocked me all to heck you could say!  I tried to stop the two, and the reply I got from both was horrifying to me!  My brother claimed he was "teaching" her all about sex so she could please a man later in life, and my sister at the tender age of ten, was so please with herself said " I let him do it all, and I really love it!"  God, I ran to the bathroom and threw up!  They both threatened that they'd deny the whole thing if I told my parents and that I'd be the one to get in trouble, so I never told anyone.  Ever since then, my sister has been promiscuous, got pregnant at an early age, ruined my senior year in high school with her pregnancy and abortion, she's on her fourth marriage, and lies about everything.  Now, she tells everyone my brother raped her, that I'm a horrible person, which I'm not, and she twists everything I say or do around so much that I can't have a decent relationship with her.  She's such a convincing liar, her new husband believes everything she says!  Poison doesn't even begin to describe her these days.  My family stays away from her at all cost.  My oldest brother has of course never taken blame for his actions, and became an alcoholic, I'm the only one of us who never became a drug addict or drinker thankfully, but every day I struggle with the day I saw the two of them and the fact that I never said anything to my parents.  My mom knew how manipulative my sister is, but she has since passed away.  My dad has always considered my sister his favorite to the point that when she did get pregnant and have her first abortion, he sent her to Europe with the boy for a month to "recoup" he called it!  I never even got a senior gift due to that!  Nice huh?  I helped her a couple of years ago when she begged me to come stay with her when my dad was sick, and I was tricked into thinking things were good between us, like she actually stopped the lies for a while.  When I got home, she started the rotten lies, the nasty phone calls, emails, etc.  Then, one day, she calls here and says " hi I just called to tell my sister I love her".  Like nothing ever happened.  I feel like I'm living in one of those freaky sci-fi movies where someone escaped from the looney bin! help!
 
February 6, 2009, 8:27 am CST

Dealing with my mother as an adult

I am currently a 28 year old student living at home. I am writing about my relationship with my mother since I started a realtionship with my fiance 7 years ago. At the time I was in college working on my bachelor degree. When I met my boyfriend he as of the same religion as me and a kind person. He was my first boyfriend. Gradually the realtionship became sexual and at that point my mother went off on me and him. Nothing was good about him and she would call me a tramp, etc...until the present. I would cry every day because I did not know if I should brak-up with him because of him wanting to have sex or if there was another justifyable reason. She told me he was not mature enough to get married and was not sure he loved me. I was so confused prom al the pressure to break p when I wasn't ready, that I couln't concentrate on school and dropped out. My boyfriend is an amazing mutitasker he graduated at the top of his class in college and has a very stable job. He pushed me to go to school and work and my mother did not like the pressure he put on me to be so efficient. Although I received equal pressure from her to not cater to his wishes. My boyfriend is not very mature socially and has dificulty saying he loved me through words, ocassionally I might find out he was talking to another girl or tried to date someone if we were in a rough patch. It is hard for me to blame him when my mother has cursed him out to his face and made our relationship strained. Eventually  I found a good job and decided to move out of the house ocassionally I would stay over at my boyfriends house and vice versa. My mother would call me at work repeatedly to insult my decision to have an apartment and force me to visit the familty about 3 times a week. To be fair she had helped me with rent and food money from time to time. After about 8 months of being on my own, my boyfriend decided to propose. This is roughly 4 years into the relationship. Although our relationship has alsways been exclusive in my mind, I found out that about a year before the proposal his good friend told him she was in love with him. This resulted in cuddling and "dry-humping". He could not break up with me so the girl eventually left. When I  told  my mother this she called his father friends etc and created havoc. I decided to move past the problem sine he swears he never kissed her and nothing else happened and it was a long time ago.  I decided to move home to "fix" my relationship with my mom before I got married. Instead she prevented me from staying over with him, and stil treated him terribly. I gained 65 lbs and got into a huge dpression. The wedding has been postponed for a while since my fiance is not sure if he wantes to marry me anymore. This brings us to present day. I wonder if my mom did not act as crazy if my relationship would have been better. Do I break-up because it can never get it's foot off the ground? How much of the problems inthe relationship are caused from her? Any help would be appreciated.
 
February 11, 2009, 9:28 am CST

I've been invited to be on the show

I got a call last night to see if I wanted to appear on the show to discuss my tormenting secret.  I am in love with two men and I don't want to be.  My husband is a wonderful, loving, Christian man; and I don't want to ever hurt him... but I have been struggling for so long and I desperately need someone to talk to.  The problem is that I never really got over the man that I lost my virginity to.  He is my husband's older brother and business partner.  Three years ago my BIL got a divorce and my heart has softened toward him so much so that I have rediscovered the love I had for him 15 years ago.  Last summer my BIL told me "If anything ever happens to (husband), you'd have a hard time running me off."  Maybe that wouldn't have stuck with me so much if my husband didn't have dangerously high blood pressure, a leaking heart valvue and a stressful job. 

I need to talk.  I need to get another perspective on why I am feeling so torn.  I need to find a way beyond this, but I could never put those needs ahead of my husband's well-being and the happiness of my family.

 
February 11, 2009, 8:20 pm CST

family problems and infidelity

hi, i'm new to this site. i'm confused and angry with the situation i have and i need advice badly!
i'm currently 19 yrs old, gona be 20 soon living with my parents, brother and sister. I am the oldest.
my problem is that i think my mom is cheating on my father. i'm not 100% positive. she tells me that she's just friends with this guy. she used to invite him to the house wen i was home and without my father being at home of coarse. well, i got very upset and i told her i dont like that your bringing another man into the house.
to make a long story short, its been almost 2 years now and she claims she's still "friends" with this man!
recently my father and her havent been getting along and he keeps threatening him to leave.
i am very angry with her loving another man and still living with us (especially the way she treats my dad)
I still yet have not found no 100% proof that shows me that my mother is sleeping with this man or now, but i have a strong belief that she is! her attitude and the way she acts to me and my lil bro and sister is making me very angry.
this man has a wife and 2 kids (both girls under 9 years old). but he and his wife are seperated.
 
my mother is great taking care of the house and making sure we have food and clothes. but when it comes to being a role model for my younger sister (9years old), i think i have a monster for a mother.
i'd come home early some evenings from work or school and find my sister crying because my other wouldn't hug her or spend time with her, (my sister is a very affectionate girl and loves our parents dearly).
I work 2 jobs and go to college full time. i think i have enough stree. but as being the oldest, its my job to tell her to stop.

BUT! i am scared to tell her to stop because she has a brain tumor. & every time she gets major migrains its from someone or something making her angry. she cant do surgery b/c its literally 50/50 chance of living.  i wanna see her happy but i absoutely dislike what she is doing with this man and how she is treating my father!

help & advice please
 
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