Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Thanks Kathy for your advice, I appreciate it. :)

I can relate to your story on alot of levels.  I too have a mother who likes to "control" everyone and does this through many different means.  I'll give you a quickie story that occurred about two years ago.  My mother is from Baltimore  (the Inner Harbor area) and desperately wanted to go back down (I live about two hours away) to see her hometown (she was 73 at the time and convinved she was dying).  My brother and his wife LOVE Baltimore and had agreed to take her for a day trip (I also have two sisters who BOTH went and did NOT take mom down).  Because my mom HATES my brother's wife, she started weighing in on my sympathy, knowing I had no plans on driving down there and was not a big fan of the area (no offense to those in Baltimore, mind you).  When she couldn't get me to agree, she decided to LIE and told me my brother and his wife bowed out of taking her down.  Playing on my guilt, she insisted her life was almost over and she would never see her hometown again. 

My hubby and I caved.  We planned a trip in July, for her birthday.  I picked her up the night before and had her over my house for dinner and to spend the night so we could leave early in the morning.  She started it the minute she got to my house.  I made dinner (one of her recipes) but she claimed she didn't feel up to eating it.  She is a smoker as well and since I don't allow it in my home, she headed outside... after no more than 2 mins, she came in and declared my neighborhood as "unsafe" (nothing happens in my neighborhood, neighbors leave doors unlocked believe it or not)... again, this was mom getting attention. 

As I was a newlywed and had new furniture, I prepared the guest room upstairs for mom to sleep in.  She refused to do so.  Complaining because the TV in the spare room didn't have a "sleep feature" to turn off after a certain amount of hours.  Caving once again, I allowed her to sleep on my new sofa.  I got her all ready, set the TV to set and headed to bed, letting her know we would get up around 8 am and head out to breakfast. 

I awoke the next morning and went downstairs, mom was not happy.  Said the couch was uncomfortable, the TV didn't have all the digital cable channels she was used to and was angry that she didn't get much sleep.  I offered to allow her to take an additional hour but she was already in a mood.  We managed to get up, dressed and headed out to breakfast.  Mom was not happy about this.  Complained the entire time, told the waitress we are nuts for spending money on breakfast.  She even left the table after refusing to eat and went outside to smoke. 

We finished up our meals, paid the check and reunited with mom outside.  We hopped into the car and headed on our way.  She complained the entire way, wondering what was "taking so long to get there".  We arrived in the harbor area and found a parking gargage.  We were at a light, ready to make a turn into it when she lit up a cigarette in my brand new car.  I asked her to wait 5 mins and she cursed me out and continued to smoke in my new car. 

We finally parked our vehicle and walked the ONE block to the Harbor.  She had an attitude... I've known her for 40 years, I know her attitudes.  We decided to take the water taxi over to her area and she bitched about that.  Nothing we could do was right in her eyes.  Half the time, she spent talking to strangers and the other half complaining about the day.  After no more than two hours down there, she decided it was time to leave.  I told her we had made plans for dinner to celebrate her birthday but she called us crazy and said she was tired.  We compromised and rather than wait for the dinner, we made it a lunch instead.  We sit down in the restaurant and she starts complaining about the prices, telling the waitress we are crazy people.  She agrees to crab cakes and spent the entire time complaining about them (by the way, they were great!).  While we were still eating our meals, she stood up and headed out to smoke.  After 30 mins, my hubby and I were wondering where she was.  We spotted her at the bar talking to strangers.  My husband went over to retrieve as we had arranged for the staff to sing Happy Birthday to her and bring her dessert.  She was not happy about returning to the table with us.  She quickly ate her dessert and left us again.  When we finished up, she was ready to go.  This time we didn't argue with her. 

This is just ONE example of how my mother is.  I once took her on vacation for three weeks and she made it a living hell for me.  Her reasoning for wanting to leave Baltimore that day was that she was tired and her legs hurt.  When we got home, I told her she could stay the night if she was hurting that much.  But she refused, instead... she went back home, ran a bunch of errands and didn't show any signs of "being tired". 

It's taken a long time but my mother is a control freak and she uses anything possible to do that.  I know people on the outside will read your posts and feel sorry for your mom with what happened, but you need to remember you, only you, KNOW the history with her.  No one on the outside is going to understand unless they've experienced it as well.  I know, because I've been there.

 I understand how you are feeling. You know that your life is much better now, yet at the same time, you yearn for that family. The thing is, your family isn’t what you are thinking they are in your mind; they are verbally abusive and have caused you great pain. They aren’t the wonderful, caring family that you ‘wish’ you had. What about your husband’s family- do they accept/include you? Now is the time to begin new traditions with your own family, your husband and whatever close friends you have made. I know it is difficult, but you have to force yourself to NOT cling to the way that you wish things were. You are doing this for your own health and well-being, that is a good thing! I congratulate you for making yourself a priority. Your parents can either take care of themselves or have someone else care for them. They aren’t going to change. I wish you the best!

I am 55 and my parents have been at odds for years.  As a child I suffered through their marrital problems which invariable ended up in abusive fights, where the kids were dragged into the fight whether they liked it or not. Parents insited we take sides and unloaded their problems on us.  They were very irresponsible parents, as we spent a great deal of our childhood in the care of grandparents, and I only was in their care for 10 unhappy years, until I finally left home.  However, I never really disconnected totally from these parents.  As they needed us, for money or comfort, they pretended to be OK and we visited. But mom was a secret complainer of abuse or made up abuse. Anything for attention.  32 years I have been maried and secretely my brother got them to sign over the house.  We argued whem my elder mom told, and then when I told my brother to get a legal paper to ensure "tenancy", my brother refused, isolated my parents and two years went by where they didn't bother to call me, especially dad.

Well, a year ago, dad was thrown out by my brother, and ended up 14 months in my home, as an 82 year old with no sense of boundaries, he took over the house.  He was told to please respect boundaries, especially our offices where we did work, but as his mind seemed to be failing, he intruded in on meetings and got loud, and finally my husband had to send him upstairs.  It was very tense, me wondering at which point dad would lose all sense of propriety and react violently. 

We put an apartment for dad, and he was fine for 3 months, as we continued litigation to ensure my brother paid dad half of the house. My brother had kept mom.  But at one point, the court was going to take over the house, and sell it, and I finally realized that the money was not worth the rest of my life caring for dad. He was violent and abusive as a young man, and as an 82 year old, now with money to give him entitlements, I may be tied to caring for him for several years. So I called my brother, who eagerly came to take him.  My brother was so desperate for the complete control of the house/assets that he had changed his tune about dad and offered him an apartment and told him I was going to put him in a nursing home.

It was awful to see my brother turn like that for cash, considering I was the helpful sister for years, facilitating a mortgage, getting him money for his operation, babysitting and lending lots of cash.  What I fool I was, my brother took everything, and turned on me like a mad dog, and my dad went with him, leaving me with the legal bills, and my mom didn't bother to call.  So they had a fight, again, over money, and again I was dragged into it and abused.  How could I have been so foolish at 55?

What happens that I let myself fall into that trap again, and why could I not have said no to dad, when he had been not speaking to me for two years and my brother did exactly what I thought he might do, put the money in his pocket.

The only good thing tha came out of this, is that the lawyers did forge a new contract now giving my father some rights, so there is no chance that again he could dump dad on my doorstep and keep his cash.

But other than that, this whole year was depressing and took a lot out of me, the family is so toxic, so willing to betray, it made me realize they are not my family at all.  How do I heal?

 Hi. I clicked on your user name and then tried to get into your diary but there was nothing there.

I'm 16 and I'm really ready to do something about my mother and my father being how they are. It's a really long story and right now I'm really emotionally tired. My mother picks fights and my father doesn't listen to me and it's hell, pure hell. It's driving me to have suicidal tendencies. I sent a message to Dr. Phil to be on the show; I don't know what else to do!

The best way to seperate yourself is to mourn. The family that you wanted and wished for has died. That part of your life is no longer there to deal with, so mourn for the loss of that. It will help you to let go of it. Cry, release, remember. Then, on 20 pieces of paper, write one word on each, describing each of the things you are letting go of, good and bad. (for example one piece of paper will say 'comfort' another paper will say 'security' and another 'unity' those words that best describe what the family of the past were to you.)Then,, sit quietly by yourself.. Go through the pieces of paper one by one stay with each one and think about it for a bit, 5,10,15,minutes. Then crumple it and throw it away. As you toss each piece you are letting go of that part of your life. It is closure for you and once you have done that, you can heal and move forward. Never look back

God Bless! 

My "38 YEARS OF FORGIVING, FOR WHAT?? MORE PAIN????" Diary
 FORGIVENESS???    I,  GUARANTEE I WOULD LEAVE DR. PHIL, SPEECHLESS!!  MY SHOW TOPIC WOULD BE-- IT IS NOW,  AGAINST THE LAW TO GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD, AND ABANDONED THE CHILD WITH THE BIRTH FATHER, AND THEN IN THE NEXT 18 MONTHS GIVE BIRTH TO ANOTHER CHILD, WITH A DIFFERENT MAN, AND REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.  MY FATHER BECAME MY BROTHER, MY AUNTS BECAME MY SISTERS, AS THE RESULT OF BEING ADOPTED.  ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE, BESIDES GIVING BIRTH TO MY CHILDREN.. IT IS A SHAME THAT I CANT INCLUDE MY WEDDING DAY, THAT'S WHY I NEED CLOSURE TO 38 YEARS OF HATE, HURT, NOT LIVING TODAY AS IF IT WAS MY LAST, ECT.....  YOU HAVE HEARD MY WEDDING DISASTER, THERE WAS A DEEP PERSONAL REASON WHY I CANT FORGIVE MY BROTHER IN LAW, WHICH DR. PHIL SAID IN HIS ADVICE TO DIG DEEPER, WHICH I DIDNT NEED TO AS I CAN NEVER BURY THIS, MY PAST,  MY PERSONAL  STORY WHICH I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS AND I READ DR. PHILS ADVICE ABOUT "LETTING GO"  "FORGIVE AND MOVE ON" ECT.... NO!!!  MOTHERS SHOULD BE PUNISHED EVEN BY THE LAW IF THEY ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS, OF HAVING BABIES, AND LEAVING THEM. I RECENTLY WATCHED LAST WEEKS EPISODE  UNDERAGE MARRIAGE, AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE THE GIRL ON THE SHOW A BIG HUG....  I HAVE HAD A VERY HARD LIFE,  I THINK THAT IF DR. PHIL WAS TO HEAR MY STORY OF BEING 1 OUT OF 4 CHILDREN, ALL DIFFERENT FATHERS, WE ARE ALL WITHIN 18 MONTHS TO 2 YEARS APART FROM THE DAY, "ABANDONED"  AFTER EACH BIRTH, ABUSED, SEXUALLY AND PHYSICALLY,  WHY SHOULDNT THERE BE A PUNISHMENT OF SOME SORT FOR MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER WHO DID IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN??????????????????  I FOUND MY BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS AND BIRTH MOTHER IN 1992, WHERE I WENT TO HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT  HARRAHS CASINO IN A.C. AND RECEIVED CHANGE FROM HER MORE THAN ONCE TILL I NO LONGER COULD HOLD BACK,   I KNOW WHAT FORGIVENESS IS I HAVE DONE ALOT IN MY LIFE, BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO MY STORY, THAT WHEN DR. PHIL SAYS FORGIVE, FORGIVE MOVE ON, WHAT ABOUT US,  THE PAIN AND HURT OF KNOWING WHAT OUR MOTHER DID, THERE ARE SO MANY TOPICS THAT YOU WOULD RECEIVE THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN,  CONFRONTING MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, MAKE HER ANSWER MY QUESTIONS,,  GET A LIFE MOTHER, I SEE THE TOPICS ALL THE TIME BUT IT TOOK THAT 16 YEAR OLD, AND HER IN PAIN, FOR ME TO WRITE TO YOU FOR THE HELP, OF LETTING GO, PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AS I COULD WRITE FOR DAYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WHAT HAPPENED OVER 44 YEARS AGO, THE AGE OF MY OLDEST SISTER, IS STILL GOING ON TODAY,  LETS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!  THANK YOU SO MUCH SHERYL, AND I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOUR STAFF AND THE NATION TO FACE THIS PROBLEM..                  THANK YOU AGAIN,    ROBIN DELAURENTIS,  

 Don't hurt yourself! I am sure your parents would feel sad if you did. Can you talk to someone at your school? A teacher or councelor? I know it's a hard age especially w/family issues but because you know what is going on around you feels wrong, you can and should get help. I am sure that someone will listen.

PLS TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS,  IT WOULD REALLY BE SAD IF YOU ACTED ON YOUR THOUGHTS, I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT, IT ONLY HURTS THE ONES THAT LOVES YOU.