Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

 So after four months since I last spoke to my controlling mother (in which she called me a selfish little b*tch and hung up on me because I wouldn't take her in), after 9 months of turmoil and not seeing her since August when she decided to join forces with my toxic sister and cut off the rest of the family (including me, my eldest sister and older brother as well as ALL their children), after watching my 40th birthday pass without a word from her... I returned home on Friday to TWO messages.  The first angry, accusing me of doing something to her and the second, a more sadder one... destined to emote guilt into me.  With all that has occurred with my mom and sister, I decided NOT to call.  It was NOT an easy decision to make. 

But... she was persistent... phoning on Saturday until finally, my husband accidentally picked up.  The conversation was interesting.  I had written out on paper much of what I wanted to say but with each sentence I spoke, the more she "pretended" to "not remember".  Frankly, it was so pathetic, I wanted to gag.  Funny how she didn't remember HURTING me and my other two siblings in the past nine months but remembered all the times she felt hurt by them.  I got to say what I wanted, was certain most of it went over her head or in through one ear and out the other... but it was nice too, to be able to talk to my mom and hear her voice (sometimes you take what you can get even though you know it's bad).  I ended the conversation by explaining that alot of time has passed and our relationship would indeed be "different".  I then asked why it took her so long to contact me (she had moved into a senior apt four months earlier and I had no phone number or address to contact her).  This was the part that upset me most, she told me, "Your sister is on vacation and I'm alone." 

There it was... the real reason.  Not because she missed me (as she had claimed), not because she loved me but because the toxic sister that she was now joined at the hip with had went on vacation and left her alone.  As much as that bothered me, I was careful in allowing my anger to show.  I simply stated, "So you only contacted me because she is on vacation? How is that supposed to make me feel?"  She never answered me.  We hung up with each other shortly afterwards and I was left feeling disturbed by the call.  Feeling used and beaten down once again. 

Three days later, last night (Tuesday), the phone rang and my mom was once again on the other end.  This time, her tone was very different and I immediately suspected she had been in contact with the toxic sister. and probably listened to her trash  me as she has done to the entire family.  She was back to her usual nasty attitude, bringing up past stuff (all in her warped view of it, mind you), trying to incite an argument with me.. I could feel myself tensing up with each word.  When I didn't cave to a fight, she tried guilt.  Telling me she was lonely, had nothing but a TV as a friend and adding how much she loved and missed me.  I didn't believe one word.  Never once did she ask how I was or what I had been up to (not even in the phone call on Saturday despite knowing I went through some health issues)... the truth was, I was lying to myself.  My mom was never going to change, never going to be the mother I had dreamed of having.  Nothing was ever going to change and if I allowed it, she would continue with her guilt and control and end up affecting my health as she did in the past and probably every other area of my life.

After fifteen minutes, we ended our call and I made the decision that this would NOT continue.  I composed a few paragraphs for preparation in what I would say to her the next time she called.  I know I can't allow this to go on.. it will destroy me and my marriage and it's not fair to me.  So now I wait... for the inevitable NEXT PHONE CALL from her.  I know she won't like what I have to say and it could ultimately ruin the relationship forever and part of me feels terrible about it.

But what more can I do?  I had ALWAYS been there for her, even at my OWN expense (emotionally, physically and financially).  What more is expected of me?  How do you rid yourself of the pain? It is so difficult to come to the realization that your mother is really messed up and separation is the only way to achieve a healthy life for youself.  Sometimes I wish there was a magic pill to take to help me through all of this.

Thanks for listening....

m sister can't seem to mange her money.She has gotten a hellof alot of money from my mom who is on a f ixed income.Her  son cameup to visit  He brought  only fivehundred dollers with him to last two months.We on other ocations have ended up buying him clothes.My sister keepscalling him and telling him They are all going to  be  evicted if he does not give her and his sister his  money.My nephew all ready sent her a  hundred dollers.He is so upset here that   he is making m house upset.I have  my own things to deal with and also can't give her any money.His sister is no better she emails him saying it is his fault she is staivng and they will have no place to live.Iwon't talk to her or answerthe phone anymore.I know she has askedmy mom for money my mom said no.I wastold that she got money from her jhova wittness church members.I am at a loss I don't want my nephew to loss his home.How much of this is lies and how much isthe truth? I havent' touched anyof his money but he needs shoes and pants and a jacket.Do Itell him to send the money to her or do I let him buy the things he needs???

I told my nethew I was tired  of the problem his mom was causing.I said even  though he is in school and this was his last year,he needs to find a job not just use his ss checks but a job.and pay 1 third of all bills.To the palces not to his mom cause if he feels he can't trust her to paythe bills,then don't give her the money.Itold him I was sorry for him but I really don't want to get involved.I have stayed out of this so far.Indon't care if he sends her all of his money but I can't pay for all his needs up here he will go without.The fun stuff.Iwould likehim togo back home so I  don't have to deal with her.My sister is mad at me She thinks I am telling not tosend her money .I just can't deal with her calls and him being mad all day. This is his decsion not mine.What do I do to get this to stop.I havetried to talk to her but she wants money.I don't have any to give!!!!

shes done it again! my Mother never ceases to amaze me!  well she stopped coming to birthday parties over 14 maybe 15 years ago.  my last 3 kids have never had her come. sure she sends cards in the mail but thats it! my mother in law has came to every single one unless she was ill.

  my daughter and niece graduated at the same school and year this last may.  I invited my Mom for Senior sunday where they give tribute to the graduating teens and their accomplishments with their community service. I had high hopes my daughter would win the scholarship and she did I was and am so proud of her!   My mother refused to go.  I was incredibly upset but at the last minute she came! I was excited.  then she came to the graduation and that was wonderful!  but she did not come to the open house at my home.  she came to my nieces open house.  later I found out she didnt come because she said she wanted it to be fair.  does she really think these 18 year olds are as shallow as she is?  the church tribute was not put on by me!  what if my next daughter drops out and does not graduate?  will she not come to any more graduations to make it fair?   sometimes I feel like Im the one crazy and she does this to make me doubt myself!  is she saying that what my daughter does is not as improtantt? 

I am a 60 y/o mother of 4 children. All of my children have bi-polar disorder although only 1 admits to it. Anyway, my 2 youngest children (ages 31 and 32) have been playing the Internet game World of Warcraft for about 2 years now. In that game, they "meet" people and have personal interactions with men outside of this game via emails and instant messages.  My youngest daughter has already flown to California twice to meet and stay with a 19 y/o boy she talked to on the game. This relationship did not pan out so she continued talking to other men. She finally met a man who has told her everything that she wants to hear. She is recently seperated from her husband for approximately a year and a half and I know that she was looking for someone to be the person of her dreams. She has become so deep in her relationiship with this man that she had him come from Florida to Michigan to see her and he stayed for a week during which the family met him. Thank goodness her 8 y/o daughter was with her dad that week. While this man is black, I really tried not to let this affect my feelings for him as there are many black people that I know and like. But I have been raised to believe that each race should stay with their own. It's the attitude of this man that has me concerned. While in Michigan, he and my daughter took me to lunch and he was all 'blinged out' wearing a shirt that had "Hustler" all over it in sparkling gold lettering with a hat to match. When we ordered our food, he told the waiter that he wanted no tomatoes on his quesidilla and that if there was even a tiny bit of tomato on it, he would go into the kitchen and start 'throat punching' people. I thought this totally inappropriate as the waiter was very nice. I looked at my daughter and softly said that he has an anger probem and she replied that he was allergic to tomatoes and that was the reason he said that.  Personally, I thought that telling the waiter that he was allergic would have been the most appropriate way to to handle this. Later, after we had eaten, we placed our dishes on the end of the table to be picked up by the waiter. After only 1 miinute, he said something about the service being so bad and picked up the plates and put them on the bar. To me this showed that he had no patience. Now, the combination of no patience and anger issues has me concerned about my daughter and granddaughter. My daughter is flying to Florida to stay with him for a week this Wednesday. And he is supposed to move up here August 12th. She has even gone so far as to seek a doctor to reverse her tubal ligatioin because she wants to have his baby. In Florida, the mother of his little boy lives with him in his mothers house. But she will be out of town visiting her parents the week my daughter is going to be down there. My daughter has stated that she really loves this guy and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I know that she has told him when she first began talking to him how much money she makes as a master social worker at the VA hospital. Meanwhile he works at Arby's as a maintenance man. There are so many red flags I see in this relationship that I have lost count of them all. Personally I think that he is planning on getting money out of her for his "ex-girlfriend" who continues to live with him and his mother in Florida. I know my daughter well enough to know that after he moves up here, if he wants to be put on her bank account, she will not hesitate for a minute to do that. Oh and I must say that my 8 y/o granddaughter does not believe in interracial relationships. I have never talked about this in front of her so I know she didn't get it from me. But there was a black boy in her 2nd grade class that liked her and when asked if she liked him, she told me no because he was black. I don't know if she heard this from her dad because when he (the guy from Florida) was here visiting, my daughter took him with her to drop off my granddaughter for his scheduled visit.

 

Yesterday my middle daughter called to tell me that she and her live in boyfriend (who she met on World of Warcraft) had broken up and that she is flying out to meet a man she too 'met' through the game. She has been seperated from her husband for several years as well. Since she is on Social Security disability, I know she cannot afford theplane fare and she told me that this man purchased thetickets for her. She told me that thisguy makes over $100,00 per year but like I told her, he could be telling her anything she wants to hear. Now THIS guy is married and only been seperated from his wife for less than a month. Here come those red flags again. Oh, yeah, did I mention that this daughter is letting her ex-boyfriend continue to live with her because he has no place to go. And she continues to allow him to drive her truck which her husband is making the payments on. So now I have not one daughter to worry about but two.

 

I know there is nothing I can say or do to prevent my daughters from making what I see as huge mistakes in their lives. I do not bad mouth these "boyfriends" but tell them that I only want them to be happy. That is true but I see these as terrible choices for them to make.

 

My question is, how should I handle this? This whole thing is tearing me apart inside and I worry for the safety of both of my daughters and my grandaughter who will be living with this first man when he moves up here on August 12th.

 

Am I wrong in worrying about these daughters?

No, you aren’t crazy; your thoughts and feelings are totally natural. You are a proud mother who wants to share her children’s accomplishments with the world, and I would feel the same way!
My advice to you is to focus on the positives in your life, there are many. You have healthy, well adjusted children who are growing and learning every day. Your mother is losing out on a wonderful relationship with your children; it is sad, but it is her loss. The best thing you could do is NOT allow your mother’s actions to affect you in a negative way. Of course it hurts your feelings, but don’t let your mother know that, because that is her goal. She feels good when she hurts other people’s feelings; it makes her feel powerful and better about herself. Don’t give her what she wants. You know that old saying, “misery loves company..” right? Your mother is an unhappy person and she doesn’t want to be around people who are happy and healthy; she only wants to be around people who are miserable like herself. Take care of yourself and don’t dwell on your mother’s actions- I wish you the best!

I'm dealing with a very controling man, who has custody of our 2 kids.  He won't allow me to see them unless I come stay in his house.  He is taking out our break up on the kids, using the to hurt me in any way he can.  Some days I just feel like cutting my ties with him, its so unbarable.  But how do I do that when those are my babies.  I have 5 other children that I have custody of and he tries to tell me that I have 5 other kids so just leave his alone.  I don't understand how he can't see cutting their mom out of their lives won't do any good for them.  It's only going to destroy them.  He tells our 3 year old mommy doesn't love him.  How cruel can you be.  If anyone has any advice please help.  I used to love life but it's so hard to get up everyday and go on, not knowing when I'll see my babies again.

I am 32 years old, and was molested as a child by my dad.  My mom was told about it last year.  My brother has four children and lives near my parents.  I've talked to my parents and my brother, but they don't want his wife to know what happened to me.  I feel she needs to know so she can take steps to protect her kids.  My dad assures me he'll never make that mistake again, but I just can't take the risk . . . I want to do everything I can to protect my nieces and nephews, so I want their mom to know what happened to me.  Am I doing the right thing in telling her?

Have you received any professional help dealing with the abuse that you experienced at your father’s hands? If not, I highly urge you to seek that for yourself. It is the best gift that you could ever give yourself. Although you probably have times that you think you are fine, childhood sexual abuse deeply effects your life.
Of course your father is going to “promise” to never make that mistake again, that is what all child molesters do!
I think that your sister in law needs to know your father’s history. This is for the safety and well-being of her children, so that she can make informed decisions about her children.
If you tell your sister in law, what do you think your family will do? Are you afraid that they will disown you? If they do, please know that you have the strength to go on by yourself. Your family isn’t educated about the devastating effects of childhood abuse. I wish you the very best, take care of yourself.

I'm currently in counseling with an excellent therapist, and working through issues.  I've recognized that it affects much of my life, and am tired of it doing so.  A strange side-effect is I've started writing songs about how I feel & what I'm going through, and that really helps a lot.

 

Yeah, I admit I'm afraid of what the reactions will be from the family when I tell.  I have no idea how she'll react, of course, and my parents are convinced she's just going to take the kids away forever.  I'm having to face the idea that if they DO decide they no longer want me around, I'll have lost my family. . . but technically, I lost them a long time ago.  I've just had a really good illusion for a while.