Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Thank you for your advice, it's nice to finally feel like someone is listening and understands, but ummm... I'm a girl. (>_^)

 

As for my relatives, I have three aunts on my mom's side, but they all live far away so I don't get to seem them often. Really it'd be more truthful to say that we're aquaintances rather than family. I haven't seen my Aunt Emily since I was 7, my Aunt Jessica since I was 12, and my Aunt Sandy since I was 13. On my dad's side off the family, I have two aunts and one uncle. My Aunt Sharon, never really liked me because she didn't approve of my parent's marrige, to be honest, she put me down every chance she got. I also have an Uncle Chris and an Aunt Catherine, they were always very kind to me and I loved them very much, but I haven't seen or heard from them since I was 11. Unfortunatly, there's really no one I can rely on in my family.

 

What's even worse is that it's the same when it comes to friends. Other than my boyfriend, I only have two other friends, but one of them, Victoria, just moved to Las Vegas. So even though I love her like a sister, like a true family member, our friendship probably won't last much longer. Time and distance really don't like me.

 

I've tried to make more friends, but I live in one of those rich kid districts were the majority of the teenage population consist of preps and jocks, and I of course don't fit into their cliques. Another factor to my whole 'loner' situation is that I can't relate to other teens my age. Truth of the matter is, my sense of humor is a bit sadistic and far from what they consider normal. Plus I just find easier to get along with decent adults rather than the few nice teenagers.

 

My boyfriend is really sweet, I love him with all my heart, and we get along great. But he and I can't always relate. His family is kind. They don't fight or lie to each, yeah sure they get on each others nerves every now and then, but what family doesn't? I kind of envy him. Still, even though he admits he can't relate with my situation, he does everything he can to make me feel better. He has a way of making me laugh and smile without using much effort, and when I'm with him, I feel like all my problem have dissapeared. But once it's times to go, I feel so alone again.

 

I feel trapped, and suffocated, like I'm dying. Then I remember just how useless I've been in trying to make a difference in my family and how I don't even know what I want to do with my life, and the anxiety overwhelms me and I can't help but wonder 'Why am I even alive?'

 

I really wish I could get help for my family, as much as I hate them, I hate watching them rot even more. I've tried going to professionals, but my family won't listen to them. The moment one of them is told they're wrong, they get defensive and won't listen anymore. I'd like my family to be on the Dr. Phil, I figure if they won't listen to a normal professional, then maybe they'll listen to someone who has undeniable knowledge. The problem with that plan is, I'm only 15 and apparently I'm required to be 18 or older to get help. I don't know why everyone obsesses over youth, if you ask me, it really sucks.

 

Can anyone give me some advice, some sort of survival tip? Truth is, the only things I need are hard to find.

Well, I'm a girl too, so I understand.  I didn't have any relatives either when I was your age and dealing with my mom's alcoholism.  I had older sisters, but they were MUCH MUCH older and married and my older brother was in his own demons at the time.  I felt very alone and exhausted myself trying to get my family to change and "see the light". 

 

I too had limited friends.  I think it was partly because I was so much more mature from going through all that I had gone through (probably the same for you) and perhaps my friends feared my situation.  They saw my mom at her worse, it was pretty scary stuff.  Having your boyfriend there alllows you to see just how dysfunctional your family is and I understand your envy.  It's very natural to feel that way.

 

The one thing I envy YOU about is that you are recognizing all of this at such a young age.  It took me well into my twenties before I realized how suffocated and trapped I was by my mother's unhealthy control.  So much of my life had been lost and I hit some very low periods.  There's little you can do to FORCE your family into a change unfortunately.  But you can change yourself and ultimately that helps.  One thing that has been a major force for me is relinquishing the need to want to help everyone around me, to want to change them.  Accept them for who they are - good or bad, and realize they made horrible choices that I had no control over.  If you can, please pick up Toxic Parents, this is the bible for all of us who are suffering from unhealthy families and it gives steps to confronting your parents which are very helpful.  Plus, just knowing you are NOT alone makes life so much more bearable.

 

I know I'm probably not much help but I really do understand what you're going through and I want you to know you WILL get through all of this.  The way I survived was indulging in the wonderful things I enjoyed in life (sports, music, etc) and creating my own happiness within myself.  Sure, it didn't mask the BS going on in my family but it helped me to find a happy place within me and get through it. 

 

Good luck to you.

My daughter is a 35 y/o married mother of two, a daughter 10 and a son 6. She is married to a career military man and they live in another state. She has been in and out of the hospital for the last two months and the only diagnosis besides contracting staph infection is severe gastritis, calcium and potassium deficiencies (according to her)

 

She visited me in early July for the first time in a year. I know without a doubt she is an alcoholic. She is drinking before lunch and drinks until bedtime. You never see her behavior change. She never acts "drunk". I believe her tolerance is very high although she has called both my mom and me at times late in the evening when her speech was slurred.

 

She needs to go to rehab. I cannot imaging what my grandchildren are going though living with an alcoholic mother. Even worse is that she is killing their mother and my daughter with the abuse.

 

The last time she was in the hospital I asked her husband to call me when he was not with her so we could talk about her health. He never called me. They live 7 hours away and I care for my 82 y/o mother who is oxygen dependent with COPD so I can't just leave and go confront her, create hostility and loose my ability to communicate with her at all. I am also experiencing some serious health problems myself.

 

In September or October they are being transferred possibly to Hawaii and I live on the east coast so time is of the essence. I don't know if he is abusing alcohol or not. I fear he may be planning to leave her when he gets this transfer. That is how he separated from his first wife.

 

My son-in-law doesn't seem to want to talk to me about her health. He has no idea it is alcoholism I want to discuss with him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get my daughter in rehab before she kills herself with alcohol or further harms her two beautiful children? 

 

I am extremely grateful for any and all suggestions.

 

So my mother who is 51 is having sex with my ex fiance' who is 27. He is the father of my 4 year old daughter and I think it is gross!! neither of them know that I know. I am married now and happy and i do not at all want him back but isnt there a moral code or something??? Please someone tell me if I am over reacting.

Have you considered an intervention? You would have to work out all of the details without the assistance of her husband, of course. This would be totally upon your shoulders, but all of the work could be well worth it if it saves your daughter’s life and the childhoods of your grandchildren. Children of alcoholics grow up quickly and they don’t even get to be children because they have to care for their parent and siblings; your oldest grandchild is probably taking on the role of caregiver to the family. She should have that burden lifted. If an intervention isn’t possible, (it would mean lining up a rehab center, confronting her and taking her there or having arrangements for her to go) then at the least could you have the grandchildren come visit you before the summer is over? Give them a couple of weeks of “normal” childhood. Then when they leave, take your chances and confront your daughter, but do it in a calm, rational way that won’t make her defensive. I wish you the best, I know this must be very difficult.

I have two older brothers (separated by 10 and 12 years). Since May 2008 my oldest brother left to Afganistan for a six month tour. So his wife and two daughters (1 month and 2 years old) came to live with me and my parents. At that time I was finishing High School. On July 1st my sister-in-law told us she was going to be leaving within a few days because things that had been addressed weren't getting done. She proceeds to tell me that I haven't been contributing with her kids. I had explained that nothing was addressed to me directly and that the responsibility isn't mine. She insisted that it was what she expected of me. I didn't feel like I HAD to help with the kids (when i wasn't asked to directly) and the fact remained that my parents help her as much as they can. Which brings me to my next annoyance of my parents. My parents have bent over backwards to help my sister-in-law out, and she remains unsatisfied. She always complains about something. Yet my parents work, come home, and seem to always be taking care of one of the kids. Along with that my parents pay for ALL her meals, the kid's meals, and sometimes gas. She is so unappreciative.

For the past two weeks my sister-in-law has been in parenting classes because of taking the kids to the ER too many times. Yet, she still manages to get away with not having to go 24 hours without help. While on many occasions my parents have had the kids for alot more than 24 hours. My sister-in-law also manages to go out frequently. Just last night she came home at 4 in the morning. In my opinion, being at 30 years old with two kids, nights out would be few and far apart. When my brother is with her she never goes out. And if she does she has a notified baby sitter. Yet last night my parents were given approx. 1hr notice. 

Lately, I feel like every ounce of happiness I have will soon be sucked out by my overbearing sister-in-law. There have been many conflicts with my sister-in-law and she has threatened to leave many times. Yet, when my parents prompt her to leave, the next week she is still here. I cannot take it anymore. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I wish my brother would come home and she would be gone. Yet, seeing as my brother still has 3 months to go, what can I even do?

 I'm sure with your brother serving in Afganistan, there is much stress in the family.  Was the sister-in-law always this controlling or is this something new?  I'm wondering if it's stemming from her worry over her husband.  I'm sure having these added people in your house is chaotic but you are not obligated to care for your nieces.  If she asks you for your help, that's one thing but to have this unspoken EXPECTATION is unreasonable.  Can you sit and talk with her about this?  Or is she so consumed with herself that it's pointless?
I really believe your parents are bending over backwards because they are so worried about their son serving overseas.  Perhaps they fear losing that deep connection with his wife and their grandchildren, so Perhaps the sis in law is going out alot to try and cope with not having her husband (your brother) around. 
Whatever her reasoning is for her bad behavior, don't allow it to consume you.  People don't always act the way we want them to. Is it possible to sit and have a civilized "family meeting'?  Where you can get your feelings out and some guidelines can be drawn up?  It sounds like everyone is very emotional in your house right now and talking it out could provide a healthy solution for the next 3 months.

READ MY DIARIES, MY MOTHER TRIED TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, AND TURN MY KIDS AGAINST ME WHEN ME AND HIM HAD A BRIEF SEPERATION,  IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHAT SHE DID TO ME WHEN I WAS BORN, LET ALONE TRYING TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT I MADE FOR MY FAMILY, I HAVE A 20 YR. OLD AND SHE HAS BEEN IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS, AND I COULD NEVER IMAGINE DOING HER DIRTY LIKE THAT.  YES IT IS WRONG, BUT SOMETIMES MOTHERS LIKE TO HURT THEIR CHILDREN WHERE THE HEART IS!!!  JUST THANK GOD YOU DIDNT MARRY HIM, AND I AM SURE YOU WONDER IF ANYTHING WAS GOING ON WHEN YOU WERE WITH HIM, BUT MAYBE THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER, YOU R BETTER OFF..

i went through a divorce moved in with my parents while getting a job.  I got one got an apartment and moved the kids and I out.  The grandparents babysat the younger one while I was at work.  The older one stayed home and walked herself to and from school.  My sister lives in her own trailer on grandparents property.  She has two kids.  The kids were told by her that they don't have to call me Aunt and do anything that I say.  Told them that it was my fault they didn't have a father and they lived in a trailer.  Niece is so rude has food allergies and plays on everyone that she can't eat this or that.  My brother has a nice job and reminds everyone how great he has it.  He goes out to buy the latest this or that to show off to everyone.  While watching my son, they did the opposite of what I asked.  Let him eat junk food, drink soda, watch tv shows that I said no to.  He gained so much weight, then they started calling him names.  my daughter refused to go there.  She does very well in school, but when she is there the others are the smart ones.  She needs to do better.  So one day they came over when my kids were home alone and took them for a sleepover when I had already said no.  Told me that they had veto power.  That whenever they wanted to see them what I said didn't matter.  I went to retrieve my children and my dad (who was drunk at the time) said who do you think you are?  told me about rumors that he had been hearing about me.  When I told him that they weren't true he said don't tell me what I know to be true.  We got into a ugly fight.  He said that if I walk out the door don't come back.  I haven't .  We moved to a town approx 30 minutes away.  Then my mom started showing up at school events and approaching my children.  I sent a letter telling her to stay away or I would get a restraining order.  So, she responded by filing for grandparents visitation.  My ex is in with the parents he came to see the kids and stayed with my parents.  He even gave the kids presents from grandparents after I told him no contact.    They say that people can only walk on you if you let them.  But, they won't stop it has been over a year and they still are trying to control me.  Brother and Sister are still going around town telling everyone that i am bad parent and that my kids are horrible and evil.  I have had enough and don't know how to get them to leave me alone.  The kids parrot some of this behavior.  I thought that would go away.  But, they still try after all this time.

Austinmoon:

 

I can so relate to your situation.  My son is 42 years old.  Throughout his childhood, I gave him the best I had.  Being a single mother, with no support from his biological father, I worked hard to give him and my daughter the things they needed.  I didn't always do the right thing, I was never what I consider perfect but I loved them, never abused them and tried to be the best mom I could be.

 

My son married, his wife died when his two children were seven and eight years old.  My son drank, did drugs and was so abusive verbally to his children.  It was like the anger just took over his entire being after his wife of twelve years died.  He has seemed to now direct all his anger towards me, accusing me of not being a good mother. 

 

He found another woman about six years after his first wife died, never married her but had a child from that relationship.  The child is now five years old.  The mother of this child was diagnosed with brain cancer after the baby was less then six months old.  He ended that relationship with the mother of his child and fought for custody and the court's granted him sole custody of the baby.

 

He still has problems, he at one point was diagnosed biopolar but has chosen not to be medicated for his diagnosis.  He gets angry and for long periods of time will keep the younger child away from me.  He use to do that with the older children but now they are seventeen and eighteen and actually the oldest son lives in my home because of his father's abuse towards him.

 

He has met a woman who has two kids and she is pratically living in his home.  She supports his abuse towards his dad and I and apparently don't know his true self at this point.  Like all the others, she will soon learn she is definately in an abusive relationship. He keeps her away from us out of fear she will find out his true behavior.  That is fine, I can live with that. 

 

I can't live with the fact that my youngest grandaughter is now experiencing the same things my two older ones did.  She is now able to call me on the phone and whispers to me "I love you grandma, I miss you."  It is tearing my heart out because up until this new woman has come into his life, I have been the only woman in this child's life.  This new woman treats my grandaughter really good, all I want is to be able to see her grow up, give her all the love I can and not have to be told that "I am toxic" to this child.  That is exactly the words my son uses when he tells me why I can't visit with her. He certainly never felt I was toxic when he needed $40,000 for a custody battle, or toxic when I was protecting his three kids by babysitting while he was out drinking and drugging, looking for his next victim. 

 

Confusion, I know your pain, I know what that feels like.  If it had not been for my husband and I he would not have custody of this child.  We spent our entire life savings fighting this mother in court.  The way he is treating us at this point is just more abuse.  If it was just hurting us, I could accept that, it is hurting the child.  I can't figure out why the woman he is seeing can't see the truth, I am sure that he is lying to her about us but he has such control over this person, I can't even talk with her and allow her to know me for the person I truly am and not the person he portrays me to be. My oldest granddaughter is still living in his home, she knows the truth but will not share it with this new woman for fear of what her Dad will do to her out of retaliation.

 

I quote you "How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect.  He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it."

 

My son doesn't get it either, I don't think he can even imagine the kind of pain I am in and the worst part of it, I don't think he cares.  I feel he has used me up and now he has discarded me but that will all change when this woman dumps him for abuse towards her and her kids, which is going to happen, without a doubt.  I sometimes feel life is miserable and not worth the trouble, but I look at the children who have gotten away from his abuse and know I have to be there for them.

 

mattiesmaw