Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1992
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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August 17, 2008, 10:11 am PDT

me too

Quote From: princess44

hi dr, phil

ypu want to know about toxic in laws well you come live with me or even better have the sister in-law that is suppose to be the bully tell her family to come live with me for 1 week and you will see the worst in laws anyone could ever have.........i have been married now for 4 years .....we cant have sex because his sister say so .....she calls my husband 15 or more times a day.....she tell everyone in this family how to live what they should be doing and even how do do things.......i call her the control freak.......she controlls everyone from her mother father and both brothers.....so far 1 sister inlaw has left and im not far behind....we have been taking marriage councelling for 2 years now and as for marriage councellors well you can keep them  we went threw 2 of them and still we have not had any sex....and you ask why well it goes back to the sister in law..........she may have her family controlled but not i .im not 1 to follow her orders and  this has caused a huge fight between my husband and i.........so now im seeking a divorce laywer   enough is enough ..............................................karen m***

You are talking about my sister.  She is just like that.  She tries to ruin all my relationships.

 

I cut off all contact.  Changed phone numbers and moved.  My mom found me and took me to court just to get the name of my new baby and her birthday.  You need to do this.  It was hard at first but now 15 months later I don't think about it much any more.  My kids don't ask to see grandma and grandpa or their aunts and uncles.  They are worried the judge might make them.  I won't let them bully me or walk over me anymore.  They say I make it all up and are still spreading rumors about me around town.  As  soon as I can sell the house I will be moving out of state with no forwarding address.  Good Luck.

 
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August 18, 2008, 10:10 pm PDT

Please read story, sign petition, help

  Please sign the petition if you agree. Please send the petiton to all you know so that we may show the courts that alot of people, citizens, tax payers, are not pleased with their handling of the situation when it comes to Law and Justice for the Muhammed Kids. The link is below: Please copy and paste URL into your browser. Thank you.   http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/savethemuhammedkids1234/
The petition
The court has not repsected the kid's rights to have a safe, drug free,sex abuse free, nurturing environment. Instead they have been subjected to drug abuse, felony sex abuse, neglect, mental abuse, and physical abuse. Kids were told by mom that she wouldn't ever want to see them again if dad got custody so they opt to not say anything when given the chance because of the pressure of what mom said- the mental abuse. The kids have said without saying that they do want help but they don't want to be the reason why they are saved or taken away from mom since this is something they would have to live with but can and will accept it being done by the hands of someone else- the cry out for help. With all the evidence against the mom, the courts did not remove the kids yet they did take summer's away from dad but allowed him to keep his every weekend parenting time and increase child support to mom as a result of him taking her to court about the drug abuse and sex abuse. Both mom and minor have failed drug tests, furthermore,Father had to find out of the abuse from the mom's own mother whom had to hear it from someone else. Her own mom has called CPS on her, doctor's have called CPS on her, neighbors have called CPS on her, and the cops threatened to call CPS on her because she wouldn't cooperate with the investigation, but to no avail. She didn't even take the minor to the hospital after learning of the repeated felony sexual abuse-the neglect. Also these disgusting acts happened during the times that the dad was suppose to have minor but mom did not send her out of vengence.-Kept child from loving and caring dad but failed to protect minor from felon who lived at their home. Lets save these kids, godwilling. All it takes is a signature. If you feel as though if evidence can prove all the above allegations are indeed true, again, only if the evidence presented to the court does indeed prove all the abuse above to be true, then the kids should very well be removed from this custodial home then please sign this petition. Again the evidence presented to the courts include, repeated felony sex abuse of a minor in mom's custody during the dad's parenting time weekends(the felon aka cousin's live in boyfriend at mom's home is in jail awaiting trial right now), drug use/abuse of adult and minor(test were given to both and both mom and child failed for same drug also mom's van was confiscated by police in 2007 because of the same drug in van)-courts gave a sob story as to why she can't take kids to doctor's or get employment because of no transportation when the same courts have evidence and knows that the van was impounded on drug offense so now she's the victim and still didn't learn her lesson because she failed a drug test on June 18, 2008, physical abuse of minor, mental abuse of minor, and neglect of minor(minor was not taken to doctor's, hospital or nothing after sexual assault until dad found out about the assault over a month later, then he took the minor right away; she was more concerned about dad finding out and losing custody than the possibility of the minor being pregnant or have a STD),so because of this lack of evidence this also makes the case weak so the felon may very well get off. The Friend of the Court's solution to all of this was to take summer time away from the dad so the kids are forced to be in this environment even more so and to increase his child support payments, and take his legal custody away. Dad is drug free, has religious morals, Works and Goes to school, currently has one son and three step kids.The kids in his care are on honor roll and doing well.This man had tears in his eyes when he asked for my help, he wonders if one of the kids would have to die before they finally help them, so here I am trying to get him help. Please sign petition and please pass it on. These kids need our help. UPDATE: Mom is being evicted AGAIN August 20, 2008-4th eviction in 4 years. When dad brings issues like this up the Friend of the court says he's "borderline obsessive" of mom so in other words he has alot of evidence against her but instead of acknowledging this its easier to put him down. The evaluator also said though mom makes poor decisions there will be no change of custody because of his wanting to control the mom. In other words him telling mom not to have drugs around his kids, give him his kids on the weekends and during the summer when he is suppose to have them anyway per court order, is him attempting to control her. Friend of the court used such a big word to describe dad-borderline obsessive- but mom and minor being on drugs and mom not following court orders resulted in the minor being raped several times on different occassions were just referred to as "poor decisions". She also said there was no evidence warding for change when he turned in the police report mom and minor made to the cops about rape, not him, the transcript of testimony from child in court about the rapes, test results of minor who failed drug tests, and mom failed drug test given by Friend of Court, yet their main concern is money. If dad gets custody then they can no longer make money off his kids. He would take care of them and they would be out of the system.Last but not least the Friend of the court admits or shall I say favored him as being the parent who is capable of maintaining food, clothing, and medical care for the kids. They had a choice of favoring him, mom, or they could have said both parents are equal when it comes to providing these things yet the mom was totally knocked out the equation and it went solely to dad. Aren't food, medical care, and clothing the basic things we need in life to survive?-but according to the same people who wrote this, its better for them to live at the home where getting these essential things to survive may or may not be a possibility.So they admit she's not the best caretaker but they don't admit that she does help the state get more money for her carelessness. Again HELP THESE KIDS. If you know of anyone who can help then please email to the sponsor on the right of petition to contact dad directly. Thank you.

 
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August 19, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT

Nutt cases

Hey I don't really know what I"m doing so I'm sorry if I'm not doing this right but I really need some advice.

My dad and his family are driving my crazy. I used to love , my Dad to death but now I don't call him b/c I"m to afraid of what might happen.  It started about a year ago, when I moved in with My dad and his wife. things went well for the first week than Jen (my step Mom) started to call my dad up at the mine tell him stories about me. Like I've been skipping school, Running around town all hours of the night with all sorts of boys, Doing Drugs, and things like that. I don't drink or do drugs and I only had two friends in Timmins at that point, and I brought them home to meet Jen. Devin and Max, are my best friends and total nerds.  I fell asleep while watching movies with them one night and got home at 4 am. I appauligized to Jen told her everything. and she seemed fine with it.
 but after about 2 months of living with them my my dad and I got in a huge fight over all the lies Jen was telling him, He told me it was my fault for being such a slut that my ex bf used me and I took off.  I went to Tim Hortons to cool off and went I came back my dad had my bags packed  and waiting at the door he said he was going to try and put me up for adoption b/c he didn't want me and according to Jen Neither did my mom. I begged him to listen to me finally after an hour he finally started to believe me and said he would give me one more chance but if I blew it I was off straight to a fauster home. I was walking on egg shells for the next couple weeks and thought I did a good job of keeping out of jens way, and felt alot better after I called my mom who told me she wanted me and never told Jen other wise.  Than  my dad got home from work and Flipped out on me saying Jen told him I ripped out a cord from the Tv, stole from her, Destroyed the house, and said I was Ruining his Marrage. He bought me a bus ticket and sent me back to my mom.
I had to say good by to my new Boyfriend Devin and my best friend.
Dev and I stayed together, talking over the phone and MSN, and i live with mom being alot happier than I had been in a whlie.  But when a close friend of mine shot himself I freaked and bought a bus ticket to Timmins, one of the friends I stayed in contact with agreed to let me stay with him. the night I was about to leave, my Dad said he got me a Job up at the mine if I wanted it.  Which would mean 3 weeks at the mine one in Timmins and he said that on my week off, I could stay with them agian as long as I slept on the couch. I was so happy and everything went well while I worked at the mine, My dad and I talked alot more and fixed up our relationship a bit. But when he said I could quit the mine and go back to school, things changed.
jen was back to Lying to him about me. things kept getting worse, so I started staying out until 10 or 11 waiting for themto go to bed so that I didn't have to deal with the constant fighting and accusations.  one night when jen was out at choir Practice and my dad had yto much to drink I was home and he asked me why I stayed away, and i told him I was afraid that he'd get ride of me again. He promiced me he wouldn't. a few weeks later he freeked out saying the exact same things him and Jen always said. but he told me he was putting me on welfare and kicking me out next time he got a phone call from the school.  the next day there was a phone call, and I was home to here it. so I went to school and freaked out at the teacher who class I'd apparently skipped. she brought me to the office saying she never marked me absent. I told the princaple everything including the fight with my dad and jen the night b4. He called home. Jen answered and told him that niether of them had ever threatened to kick me out and as far as she knew my attendance was great.
I got sick, really sick and my Boyfriend call me up and when he heard how bad I sounded told me to come over, b/c I needed sleep and medicine. b/c I wasn't going to get any better sleeping on that couch. so I went over. I slept right from friday evening when I went over ther until sunday night. when I went home to sleep. monday I went to school b/c I needed to do a presentation. I slept in a corner of the Liberary until that  class and went back to Devins to sleep. I went home that night at 10, but couldn't sleep very well. at 5:30 in the morning my dad came into the living room screaming at me calling me an idiot saying it would take me another 4 years to graduate b/c I was such a retard. eventually I flipped him off(still half asleep). He jumps up and starts shaking me and hitting me calling me a dirty whore and a little slut. Jen actually had to pull him off me.  he Stormed off to work so I packed as much clothes as I could carry and left. I live with Devin and his mom now, and even been able to talk to my dad since.
He denys everything. I seen him when I went to Yorkton for my sisters wedding, and after talking to my mom about the time he attempted to attack her, he said at least he had never hit his kids. I looked at his for the first time sine I left and said "that's why I left right."  and whent to my room. my boyfriend followed not to long later and told me he believed me.
I told like that my dad went from being my friend to being my worsed enemy. My Twin even told Dev after my dad left that, I used to cry b/c I wanted Dad around more, it's wierd seeing me so angry that he was around.
I want to fix things I just don't know how.  how can I make my family a family agian and get rid of all this anger I have built up against my dad and his wife. I"m not an angery person so being this angry hurts.
 
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August 20, 2008, 5:02 am PDT

my marriage

i've been with my husband for 23 years and we have 4 kids, i feel my marriage is over and has been for awhile. i love my husband but cant seem to trust him. i feel everything that has been goin on is making me ill and i cant take much more. The trust issue comes from years and years of being lied to about porn,having a bank account behind my back and my husband not watching or looking porn and telling me he has me what does he need it for and all along he'd be looking at it behind my back. i was diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 years ago and fought it it with chemo and raidiation. I started working in the evenings a year ago and it seems since things have been really different with my husband, several occasions he doesnt come home til 10:00 pm and he gets off of work at 4 or 5 pm, when asked where hes been he says at Applebee's having a few drinks with the guys( he's never been much of a drinker not around me anyhow) besides that fact he is in the national guard and wears a uniform so i'm thinking okay i always thought they werent suppose to comsume alcohol while in uniform in public.....our 22 yr anniversary was may 3 we didnt have much money and couldnt do anything, the next weekend we would have been able to do something, that friday he goes to work as usual in uniform at 7 am, 6 pm comes, no husband, 2 am comes, no husband..4 am i finally go to his job, the armory and a local bar i kno most of his coworkers hangout no husband, somethin told me to go by our 20 yr old sons apt. and there was his suv, and i knocked on the door several times and my husband finally answered the door and i ask him whats going on, and he ws like what do u mean? i say what do i mean i havent seen or heard form u in almost 24 hrs. and all he could do was stand there and rub his eyes, he couldnt give me an answer. the worst feeling had come over me, i started crying and left him there and went home, finally at about 11 he come strolling in as if it were nothing. neither one my husband nor my son has said anything about that night nor have i asked. well last week my son slipped up and said they had went to a strip club. none of this sounds like my husband. when i confronted my husband he lied to me three times saying no he hadnt been to one. i feel disgusted that he would even go to a place like that with our child.

 

sometimes i wonder if he's not living a double life. He walks around with this Dont ask Dont tell attitude and i feel like heck if i do ask he's just going to lie to me.

 

i dont kno whats going on with him, he says nothing is, and he's not doin nothing.

 

i feel like with all i've been through i deserve better than this and i dont know what to do

 

 
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August 20, 2008, 12:09 pm PDT

toxic daughter

i am a mom of three and five stepsons. i have been married for 7 years although i do not know why my husband has stayed with me with all the trouble my daughter gives us. she is 14 going on 15. she is just awful. she seems to think she can do whatever she wants. she has been grounded i cannot count the number of times. she loses her cell phone more than anyone. she has been a hellion. she has ruined her relationship with my husband who wants nothing to do with her. i am at my wits end with her and i can't even send her to live with her dad because he lives with his mother. i want my daughter to be normal. please help me. thanks for reading.

 

patti evers

 
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August 20, 2008, 3:23 pm PDT

Responsibiity

Quote From: tammyo1973

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?

When everything you do is wrong, it's not about you, it's about them. 

You are not responsible for what other adults do, (famiy or not)  and you are not responsible for their behavior. If you don't want to discuss your business and decisions, tell them so. If they become verbally abusive, calmly tell them that you find their behavour disrespectful and as a result, you are leaving. Then get up and leave immediately without further comments. After that happens a few times, they will recognize that your private life is not up for discusssion because it's not their business. If they want you in their life they will learn to show you respect and dignity.
 
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August 20, 2008, 8:20 pm PDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: pattievers

i am a mom of three and five stepsons. i have been married for 7 years although i do not know why my husband has stayed with me with all the trouble my daughter gives us. she is 14 going on 15. she is just awful. she seems to think she can do whatever she wants. she has been grounded i cannot count the number of times. she loses her cell phone more than anyone. she has been a hellion. she has ruined her relationship with my husband who wants nothing to do with her. i am at my wits end with her and i can't even send her to live with her dad because he lives with his mother. i want my daughter to be normal. please help me. thanks for reading.

 

patti evers

Maybe ...your daughter wants to be....JUST THAT...!!!!

 

your DUAGHTER...!!!...love her....unconditionally>>>

SHE IS SCREAMIN' AT YA NOW..!!!

 

GOOD SPACES

 
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August 20, 2008, 8:24 pm PDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: fedup4

You are talking about my sister.  She is just like that.  She tries to ruin all my relationships.

 

I cut off all contact.  Changed phone numbers and moved.  My mom found me and took me to court just to get the name of my new baby and her birthday.  You need to do this.  It was hard at first but now 15 months later I don't think about it much any more.  My kids don't ask to see grandma and grandpa or their aunts and uncles.  They are worried the judge might make them.  I won't let them bully me or walk over me anymore.  They say I make it all up and are still spreading rumors about me around town.  As  soon as I can sell the house I will be moving out of state with no forwarding address.  Good Luck.

sO....WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS...

 

YOU GAVE HER...YOUR POWER.....RIGHT???.

 

WELL, TAKE IT BACK...YESTERDAY!!!

 

GOOD SPACES

 
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August 20, 2008, 8:43 pm PDT

ESTRANGED SONS

Quote From: austinmoon

Dear Dr. Phil and others,

 

I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!

 

I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh? 

 

Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.

 

How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect.  He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.

 

I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.

 

 

Austinmoon

 

I have a fairly similar story - 3 sons - 2 are married - estranged from them.  I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son - he's not married.  My daughters-in-law detest each other, and me.  I take responsibility for things that were said 15-20 years ago, but nothing to warrant the nasty letters I have received from them.  I have not seen my oldest son and family in almost 8 years and the youngest in 3 years.  .My sons obviously have no backbopne, to allow their wives to behave like this.  I would like very much to have harmony, but nothing seems to work.  I wrote letters apologizing for anything I may have said or done, but they are determined to keep me out of their lives.  I have 4 natural grandchildren, 2 adopted and 1 step-dtr.  When my oldest son turned 40 in '03, I called to see if it would be ok to visit and my dtr-n-law refused to speak to me.  My son claims he doesn't know why and doesn't want to know because he had a heart attack in '97 (my dtr-n-law called me 2 days later).  Last year, he fell off his house while building a deck and had to have his shoulder replaced.  I did not know about this until a month later.  I have ocular melanoma and would like some peace in my family.
 
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August 21, 2008, 4:33 am PDT

mine too

Quote From: sme1954

Maybe ...your daughter wants to be....JUST THAT...!!!!

 

your DUAGHTER...!!!...love her....unconditionally>>>

SHE IS SCREAMIN' AT YA NOW..!!!

 

GOOD SPACES

My daughter is just turned 15 in July.  She is the same way.  It seems like she wants to ruin my relationship.  She goes out of her way to piss him off.  I can't send her to her dad.  Her step dad wants me to.  I put both my kids in counseling.  That has helped a little.  She thinks her step dad hates her and when he does something nice he's trying to kiss butt.  She said she wants her old life back.  I said you can never go back, need to make the best of what you have, see the good.  Things are slowing improving.  Step dad doesn't trust her.  She tells things to her dad.  Step dad doesn't want to leave her alone in house.  Great inconvience to me.  I tell her that when she is gone and she has her own place she makes the rules.  Until then she follows the rules of this house.  I won't be surprised if her house has the same rules.  She doesn't have her phone now and says she don't care.  It has been hard and now Step dad doesn't want to do anything with the kids because of their bad behavior.  We went to Lowes shopping and she pitched a fit to rival a 2 year old in the store.  Her dad makes matters worse.  He hasn't paid child support since march and is racking up arrears.  He don't care.  Step dad gets mad because he feels like he has to support my kids.  Which he doesn't, I have a job.  It just adds stress to an all ready stressful situation. She knows about her dad and then he tells her he loves her on the phone.  She just has to understand that not everything is about money.  If she has to do without something it is my fault for not staying with her dad. I take the high road with dad.  I figure if I give him enough rope he will hang himself and I won't be the bad guy.  I tell her I love her and that the grass is not greener anywhere else.  It has taken 18 months but I think we are making progress.  Step dad and I keep a united front and disagree when the kids aren't around.  I hope this helps.  you aren't alone.
 

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